Viva Las Vegas!

Went to Las Vegas this weekend with X.

I had an incredible time though it was quite surreal. Never in a thousand years would I have dreamed that little old me would be drinking $600 bottles of wine and shopping at Cartier and riding around in a Rolls, much less staying in a 5-star hotel and playing blackjack with $300 buy-in limits. I enjoyed it immensely but it was one of those experiences that you appreciate all the more for its uniqueness. I feel quite sure I wouldn't enjoy it half as much if it were commonplace.

And X? I can't say much about him although my thoughts are full. He is a consummate gentleman. Great conversationalist, confidence with a touch of likeable arrogance and a workhorse ethic, but he knows how to play. And oh did I mention sexy as all hell? Hah! I enjoyed the time I spent with him and he treated me every bit like a lady.

Unfortunately I'd developed a bit of a sore throat before going, which kicked into full-blown flu the day after my return. So here I am coughing and generally feeling miserable. Better today than I did yesterday for sure, but still way under the weather. I wonder if going to Vegas might have helped me get sicker than I would have if I'd stayed home but there's no contest, it was worth it.

In spades. (Get it?)

((Song: "Viva Las Vegas" by Elvis Presley. Lyrics here:
http://www.elvis-presley-biography.com/VivaLasVegas.htm ))

Now I'm Free, Now I'm Free, Now I'm Free

Well, Wednesday was a day of firsts.

1) First time I'd ever been in a courtroom.
2) First time I'd ever been divorced.
3) First time I met my exh's girlfriend.

Went to court on Wednesday and although I was totally stressed that the judge would refuse to allow our unique take on child support (we were exchanging an asset in lieu of it) he looked at it for all of 20 seconds, asked us both if we were amenable to it, and then said it's granted and ushered us off to get our paperwork from the baliff.

And just like that, we were divorced. The ex and I blinked at each other and mumbled something along the order of, "Holy cow. What just happened?"

Talk about anticlimactic.

We spent the majority of the day together in one fashion or another. We held hands in the parking lot, went out for coffee, talked about the ending of our relationship and what we wanted to see from it in the future, and all in all it was a meaningful and enjoyable day. It might sound strange to say this, but it ended like it began.....beautifully.

I am indeed a lucky lady.

Later on, I was spending time with BFF. Exh calls me and tells me he'd like me to join him for a meeting about mineral rights for the house, and that we'll need a notary in order for us to sign the paperwork to lease out those rights. He tells me that Yo is a notary and she'd be happy to do it. I ask if he's sure, he says yes, and although I am not at all convinced he realizes that he's delusional, I agree. I admit, I wanted to meet her.

Long story short, I do. She comes over to the house and we introduce ourselves, and I meet her little boy. It's a short visit and a pleasant one, and I experienced no real amount of jealousy for her place with exh. I do admit to a twinge of jealousy when she and kiddo were hugging and talking about getting together but for the most part? I was pretty relaxed, and proud of myself for it.

I thought about it on the way home and I examined my reactions in more detail as I did. I decided some things. No matter what, I'm kiddo's mom and no one will ever replace me in that role in her eyes. Exh told me he has emphasized that fact to both Yo and the kiddo. And really, it is unreasonable of me to expect him not to find enjoyment out of his life, a form of enjoyment I refused to give, and didn't want to, and couldn't. And it is infinitely more preferable to me that my kiddo be comfortable with and actually like the other woman he is with, than have that woman treat her with indifference and cruelty. It says a lot about Yo's character that she enjoys my kiddo's company. I'd rather all my kiddo's close family be enriching to her.

So these are my first days as a newly single woman. Here's to my next phase of life.

((Song: "Free" by Vast. Lyrics here:
http://www.superlyrics.com/lyrics/kGRU0xYFJL@H@c/Free_lyrics_by_VAST.html ))

I Wonder, Is There Anything I'm Gonna Miss?

Yesterday was a frustrating day.

Stbx and I had our court date to finalize the divorce. Now, we've been doing this ourselves since we can't afford to hire a lawyer (translation: I've been doing the work, stbx trusts me to handle these sorts of things and I take them on willingly -- it's how it's always been.)

Long story short, I did not prepare the correct paperwork and we learned we had to reschedule. We were both upset and irritated by the delay but by the end of the ride back to his place, we had begun taking out our frustrations on the convoluted, confusing court system with a series of joking/ranty comments.

He soothed my frayed nerves and my feelings of idiocy by telling me he was impressed by the inroads I'd made in understanding everything so far without the help of a lawyer. I deeply appreciated his encouragement. We veered off on other topics and somewhere in the midst of all the laughing and joking about weird TV shows and sharing our long-ingrained dual senses of humor, I began to cry.

What made me cry was the realization that of all the humans on the planet, he was still really the only one that truly knows and gets me deeply. More than all my friends -- whom I can laugh with and enjoy time with but who are intrinsically "other" -- he was more than just my friend. He was the rungs on my ladder, the other side of my scale. I really felt at gut-level all the things that I was losing. He looked at me and all I could manage to say was, "I miss you."

He knew what I meant. I tried to pull myself together as he quietly told me that he'd had to take the day previous off work after I'd called to tell him about the court date, that he couldn't concentrate at work after that. We spoke of feeling like failures. We spoke of 20 years of togetherness that now had to somehow be changed. We spoke of things like getting back together and knowing that it would go back to the way it was before whether it took a year, or 2, or 5 to do so. He said he had been so miserable during that time and he didn't want to voluntarily go through all that again. We spoke of the need to have the hope that eventually the pain would recede and all the other things -- the good things -- that we had, and have, would rise to the top like so much rich cream.

So we're still married. It'll be that way for another week while we get another court date set up.

I know he's right. But I do miss him.


((Song: "How's It Going To Be?" by Third Eye Blind. Lyrics here:
http://artists.letssingit.com/third-eye-blind-lyrics-hows-it-going-to-be-7tx7xf4 ))

Cause We're All Afraid Of Each Other

I had a dream last night that was one of the strangest ones I'd had in a while.

I was trying to shut a big door, and the door acted like one of those spinning safe locks -- the kind with the tumblers? You could see the tumblers spin and in order for the door to close properly I had to wait until the tumblers passed over this piece of metal that was sticking out so that it would lock in place -- the thing couldn't spin backward.

So I was messing with the door -- it wasn't working right for me -- while talking with BiB. He was standing to my right, holding a hat or something. I offered to take him home in my car. He looked like he didn't want to wait for me but finally said all right, fine.

Then V came walking up. I nodded to him and said I'd be ready in a minute. I told V that I was planning to leave soon and to make sure to be in the car, and that BiB was going with us. He eyed BiB but said nothing. I saw his look and introduced BiB to him. V's eyebrows raised, but his tone was even as he said his greetings.

V and BiB began to leave and I followed behind, curious to see what would happen because I knew that Grey was waiting in the car with V.

I got in the front seat and turned around to watch just as BiB slid into the passenger's seat of the car. Grey looked at BiB and BiB looked at Grey, neither man having ever met the other. So with an anticipatory smile I said, "Grey, this is BiB. BiB, this is Grey."

Watching the dawning comprehension in both men's eyes and how they subsequently sized one another up was delicious.

And then I awoke.

I laid there for a moment, and the first thing I did was laugh. Ah, how interesting that would be.

((Song: "Dirty Great Monster" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/dirty-great-monster-lyrics-duran-duran.html ))

Grab That Cash With Both Hands

Lately I've been brainstorming about extra ways to make money. I have some debt I'd like to see gone.

So I went to donate plasma this morning at my local donation center. The pay is pretty good. You can donate up to twice a week for $65. That means if I get my butt over there and my body can handle it (I may just do once a week for a while to see if my blood recovers quickly or takes a while) I can make up to $260 a month and at least $120. That means I can throw that extra cash at a debt I have that's around $500 and get that paid off in as little as 2-3 months and 4-5 at the most. I like the sound of that.

Then, if I continue, I can add that extra to my other debt, the one I took with me from my marriage. That one is a 4-figure debt. I can get that taken care of in 16-19 months if I continue donating.

Wow. Debt-free in 2 years. I'm speechless.

((Song: "Money" by Pink Floyd. Lyrics here:
http://www.pink-floyd-lyrics.com/html/money-dance-lyrics.html ))