Monday, January 29, 2007

I'll Remember These Things the Most

My apologies for my absence. It's been a little intense around here.

I'll be writing again soon.



((Song: "Train In Vain" by the Clash. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/traininv.htm))

Saturday, January 20, 2007

They Said They Were Friends of Mine

Thinking about a quote I found on a blog that I read at http://www.graceundressed.blogspot.com/. Here is what she said....

"At the same time, a person who can disappear from your life on their whim without warning or explanation doesn't make a very good friend. Or not for someone like me, who gets pretty attached to the people I like."

Yeah.

I've been thinking about this particular relationship for some time now, about becoming friends, staying friends, what makes a good friend and what makes a bad one. How people look at being friends and how they define what friendship means to them. I said it best to a friend of mine this evening. Funny, those words: "friend of mine," when this person is the one that I'm doing all the wondering about:

[19:19] My "friend": we're friends yeah
[19:19] My "friend": but not sit down and pour out our lives friends
[19:20] Me: I think that that is the only kind of friend I know. Friends are those people to me. That is why, I think, that the difficulties are arising. Because a person i say hello to and talk to in game or in here? They aren't my friends. I have no real deep care or concern or interest in their lives or their doings. But my real friends, I do. Three dimensions.
[19:22] Me: I care about them that way, and i want them to care about me in that way. I can just talk to any old person in channel about surface bullshit. Boring, and useless, and absolutely meaningless. I need more from my friends than that. And you just aren't willing to give it. And though it makes me sad, I have really begun to see that.

Yes, I'm seeing it. It hurts. It hurts in places that no one really likes to talk about. But it was telling that as the conversation ended and I sat alone staring at the screen and letting myself really feel, I felt a sense of loss that was all threaded through with futility and the beginnings of acceptance. I am beginning to accept. I don't want to. I'm not a quitter when it comes to those that I care about. But it was like Under The Palms said in her blog about a painting. I've still got value no matter who has decided to relegate me to a box in the attic instead of hanging me up on the wall.

Perhaps that choice was made because I'd let that friend down too. I had. That friend is still very hesitant about investing in me, as honesty has never been my strong point. And though right now I am being as honest with this person as I can and/or have been, perhaps that boy has called wolf one too many times. For that, I need -- and will-- accept responsibility. If it has cost me a friendship, then it is a cost I have no choice but to pay.

I just wish that I could have a magic wand.

((Song: "Friends of Mine" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here: http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/FriendsOfMine.html))

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

"Darkness And Light"

One of the many poems I've written ((and this is copyrighted so contact me if you want to use it))

Through the filmy haze of a weekend afternoon
Amidst the sharp braying sounds of the city
I watch him loping towards me.
I have to catch my breath in the crispy air.
Something quietly sleeping suddenly stirs behind my eyes.
I feel it stretch behind its cage, cording through me, touching off sparks.
I wait, caught between darkness and light.

Threading through the dimness of the restaurant
And back out in the bleary blinking street
The scudding clouds surround us as his hand encloses mine.
His long fingers a siren’s promise as the corner turns and tilts.
Warm, I sway against him like a lifeline, dizzy.
Another movement from it deep within, another spark, a fluid rush.
I freeze, caught between darkness and light.

In the veiled silent shadows of a chilly room
Amongst the softest mellow click of a turning lock
He blurs away in swirls of cloth and ragged breaths.
For hours we weave a duet of desire, a wave cresting and washing back to sea.
I drown in the lushly ardent pools of grey-blue in his eyes.
Awakened now, it rises to its feet and turns small circles, growling in hunger.
I gasp, slipping between darkness and light.

The staves of slanting sunlight pour across his brow
Obscuring his face above mine in the tango we compose
We surge together as his kisses sluice into my parched soul.
I struggle in the undertow, clinging for dear life to the rocks of his shoulders.
In this desert of madness we are each other’s oasis.
Ravenous, I feel its claws raking at the doors of its pen, roaring for freedom.
I moan, veering between darkness and light.

As the light through the trees dapples the windshield
And the road rushing below pulls him ever closer to home
He is a nearby shadow singing in my blood with fingers entwined.
I shiver in his shade, this live thing crawling along the surface of my skin.
He fades, not looking back, through the doorway of his house.
Vehemently it razes its walls and stirs up the dirt, kicking at the shattered bars.
I acquiesce, floating in darkness and light.

Ten to One

((taken from http://redheadinthecity.blogspot.com/))

Ten Things About You
1. I'm a redhead
2. I'm 15 lbs lighter than I was 15 years ago
3. I'm a procrastinator
4. I'll always be a Midwestern girl at heart
5. I never let go of things that mean anything to me
6. I am selfish
7. I'm not so much beautiful as "cute"
8. My feet get ice cold
9. My hair isn't naturally curly
10. I write poetry

Nine Things You Love
1. My daughter
2. Being a redhead
3. Music of all sorts
4. Playing online RPGs
5. Genealogy
6. Ancient Egypt
7. My friends and my family members
8. Earl Grey Tea
9. BiB

Eight Songs You Love
((only eight?? -- Gahhh......okay, other than the ones I've listed on the sidebar....))
1. "The Chauffeur" - Duran Duran
2. "Ossining" - Mike Doughty
3. "Come Undone" - Duran Duran
4. "Set The Fire To The Third Bar" - Snow Patrol
5. "Cowboy" - Kid Rock
6. "Silhouette" - Chris Whitley
7. "Love Song" - The Cure
8. "Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of The New Day" - Jethro Tull

Seven Things You Wear Daily
1. Contacts
2. Makeup
3. No underwear
4. Shoes
5. A smile
6. Socks
7. Lipstick

Six Things That Make You Smile
1. My daughter
2. My friends
3. Songs
4. The innocence of children
5. Memories of the past
6. A good cup of coffee

Five Things You're Looking Forward To
1. A new job
2. The next phase of my life
3. Writing that novel
4. Spending time with my daughter
5. Going on a few summer trips

Four Things You're Scared Of
1. Heights
2. Dolls and marionettes
3. My daughter dying
4. Change

Three Things That Annoy You
1. Housework
2. Things that don't work like they are supposed to
3. People who won't talk to me

Two Of Your Favorite Books
1. Atlas Shrugged
2. The Necroscope series

One Thing You Can't Live Without
1. Love

Friday, January 12, 2007

There's Nothing to Keep Us Tied Here Now

I had my second counseling session yesterday afternoon. It went about like I expected, with a few gems that made me think as I left the office.

One, I'm not half as in tune with my feelings and my understandings about myself as I'd believed. Well.....yes, I am. But I am verrrrry good at denial. Good to the point of scary good. I have lots of parts of me that all feel different things about this so-called "revelation." Part of me is a bit shaken, part of me is disappointed in myself, part of me is determined to look upon what will be revealed in all honesty (as I've always "prided" myself on being able to do), part of me is scared shitless at doing just that for fear of what I've been hiding.....and a last part? A last sick little part of me is perversely proud. You go, girrrrrl!

Oh, good grief.

Another thing my counsellor -- from now on known as P -- mentioned: something called the four R's of dealing with feelings when in a relationship with someone that you want to invest in, especially in the romantic sense. She says that women implement these a lot more than men do because of their natural/societal pressure to conform, but that often men do these too with even less ability to see the pattern of it:

First, Repression. For example, say you're with your SigOther. He tells a joke that you've heard countless times but for the sake of politeness and consideration to him, you say nothing but smile and pretend to laugh again. You hold back what you would really like to say, which is "Jesus Christ stop telling that stupid joke, and please do me the favor of recalling that you've told me that joke before, it's like you don't even remember what you say to me!"

Second, Resentment. This begins to come into play when he continues to tell that joke, and you begin to think that yes indeedy, he's not remembering what you've told each other in those private moments. You begin to wonder what ELSE he's not remembering. It begins to seem like you're not important enough in his eyes to bother.

Third, Rejection. You go from resenting the joke itself, to building a scenario about your SigOther himself. "Yep," you tell yourself, "he's a class-A jerk. This is just another example of what an ass he is in almost every aspect of his relationship with me." And you pull out your little internal whiteboard and start keeping tabs of all the times he's fucked up. It's no longer about just one little joke.

And fourth, Regression. Of all of them, this one is the most difficult to really see. It's because you begin to operate in a form of denial. The denial is often so pure and strong that you really do think you've moved past all the old resentments and issues. You say, "Ohhhh, whatever was I reacting so harshly for! Of course it isn't me, that is just who he is. He's such a good guy and I know that I'm lucky to have him and I should just count my blessings and stop complaining about how hard I have it."

I've been in the third and fourth phases for a long time now. A looooong time. In the last year, I'd begun seeing Stage 4 for what it was, but had not really known how to put a definition on what I had been feeling.

As to where I go from here, I am unsure. But I do know that this is one of the scariest times in my life. Put up or shut up, do or die, authenticity or denial. Socrates, here I come! Whooohooo!

And as an aside (and since I am thinking about being authentic, this is a good snippet about finding yourself) that I found at http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=822353:

"The secret is to become a self-seeker. Though the psycho-brains differ on details, there's general agreement that we have to move toward authenticity, toward an expression of our uniqueness....Carl Jung, the Swiss sultan of psyche, called the process individuation, or the coming to self.

"Here's the quickie version of Jung's model. In youth, we assemble a persona, a public face that helps us get along...behind this mask, we suppress all our neuroses, dreads, and the stuff that's too dark, artistic, or just plain odd for polite company.

"As long as things go well, this works. But once the persona starts screwing up (e.g., lets us get fired or divorced), all those stifled secrets, once willing to shut up, start shouting up from the basement. To move from young...to maturity, we've got to (1) hear those till-now smothered voices, and (2) do at least some of what they tell us to. The trick, by Jung, is to divest the self of the false wrappings of the persona. Time to set the self free."

((Song: "Whither Vulcan" by Remy Zero. Lyrics here:
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Whither-Vulcan-lyrics-Remy-Zero/3E8B50F4CA0E958948256C6800300C55))

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I Just Keep Losing My Beat

After a phone conversation this morning, shivering in a cold car, 30 minutes late for work, words loud in my ear but silent in all the most pertinent places. A few bones were tossed, a few heartfelt things were said. But by whom? Both of us? And though I flipped open the phone intending on creating an end, by the time I pressed my phone closed I only heard the distant swoosh of hopes slapping against a shore and echoes of having walked this path before.

I've been doing my work this afternoon on autopilot. I keep wondering if this time, things will actually be different. That's what, seemingly, was intimated. Funny thing is, I think the intimations are correct. I just wonder if we're staring at each other across a chasm that we keep trying to bridge, but using our own ladders and not trusting the other's ladder enough to even try to walk on it. I should feel happy and relieved, full of expectations and hopes.

So then why do I feel like there's been a death in the family?


((Song: "Somebody To Love" by Queen. Lyrics here:
http://www.queenwords.com/lyrics/songs/sng11_10.shtml))

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

And Tell You of My Dreaming

Before anyone points it out to me....

Yes, I realize that this template has links I don't know how to utilize. I'm a virgin html-er, thankyouverymuch. I'll get the hang of it soon enough.

A few days ago I was talking about how women subsume their desires. I came across this on Stephanie Klein's blog at http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/, one I read religiously because she is such an incredible wordsmith. To her, words are not just words. She paints sight, smell, touch, and feel into them and as you read they literally weave in and out of your head. She deserves all the success she's had and more:

"We learn at such a young age to deny our desires for the common good. And we’ve been doing it so long; we bury them without thinking. And want resurfaces confused and dizzy, and I'm left unsure if what I crave is what I really want. In my silent lazy moments, desire resurfaces and scares the want, but never right out of me. It’s there, lingering, like dormant dreams from the previous night just as you close your eyes for bed. They rush in for a second, and you’re sure you remember, but as soon as you try, you can’t."

Oh yes....I am SOOOooooo doing this! http://www.cringebook.com/

My dreams last night were fragmented. I dreamed of big apartments with glass doors and walls connected by an open courtyard in my old hometown (a place that those sorts of urban-like clean lines would never ever be) and small quaint Cape Cods and glowing sage-colored Victorians. In the midst of that I dreamed of blogs and blog templates and blogs I've read.....oh my the blogs! And as I awoke this leapt into my head. Hm. I think I should use it somewhere:

"The opinions stated herein are the express property of the author of this blog. I reserve the right to question the judgement, sanity, general health and even the very existence of any creature that lives upon the face of this Earth, whether they be plant, animal or mineral-based."

A quote from Peter Boyle: "Whatever we lose, we'll get back."

And here are a few pretty accurate quotes by Rosanne Barr, regardless of what you think of the lady herself. Myself, I think she's done the School of Hard Knocks to death. She's probably come out if it with the sort of street wisdom that my mother has:

"Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil."

"You're as sick as your secrets."

"Women's problem with sex is simple: We don't like having sex with someone we know too well."

Hah!


((Song: "Dreaming" by Blondie. Lyrics here:

http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php;jsessionid=DFCE1AE35B9540D2E3C0F28E2DAE9B4F?hid=MMSGF9I%2FJgM%3D))

Monday, January 8, 2007

I Can’t Say Half Empty or Half Full Now....

I wonder if I am using all this to keep reminding myself that I need to keep a focus on my needs and not just accept and stay silent. I then wonder if that's not just my excuse to keep him around. Then I wonder again if it's because I have hopes that I just shouldn't have. Then I wonder if I'm second-guessing myself, or is it third- or even fifth-guessing myself now? I can't keep fucking track anymore. Then I wonder if.....stop. Just stop. You know what you need to do.

You need to let.......

him......

Go.

For the love of God, woman. Just do it. Can't you feel it inside? How very tired you are? How much of this will you take just to salvage your pride?


(Song: "Where Have You Gone?" by Mike Doughty. Find the lyrics here:
http://www.mikedoughty.com/music/lyrics/87))

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Ask Myself While I Stay Inside....

Decisions.

A simple little word, nice sound, two syllables. Easy to say but a bitch to make. And even when made, so much more of a bitch to follow through on. I've mentioned that I'm not a follow-through sort of gal unless within certain circumstances, haven't I? Yes you have. Okay. Just so that's out there before I go on.

Lately I have been surrounded by a few instances of people in my life who are (or did) have difficulty making decisions. It's funny how decisions are so simple when you're listening to someone talking about their problems; how that light of clarity shines right down and you can tell them matter-of-factly that "this is what you should do!" Yet when applied to your own life and circumstances, your clarity is at best a genie....popping in and out whenever it damn well feels like it. Because whether you're 10 or 40, you live in your heart as well as your head and you are convinced that your life is different -- and why? Because you are invested in it so deeply. You don't have that sort of investment in the lives of those people you give advice to. There's a vast difference between saying "should" and saying "will." Part of that difference is being willing to embrace change. And we all know how hard that is.

I went to the counselor on Friday and actually came away feeling very confident in my ability to work with her. I am hopeful that I can begin to work some changes in my own life and for the first time in well over a year I am ready to consider this. I have a few goals in mind for these sessions and with my natural first-burst excitement of any new project, I feel like I could do anything. I know I tend to get the wind knocked out of my sails over time, and I really do not want that to happen here. I want to follow through. No, more than that. I absolutely need to follow through. Much more is at risk than has been for...ohh.....longer than I can remember.

My primary goal is to make decisions independently. For a woman my age, that sounds laughable. I should there's that nasty word again be very capable in that by now, shouldn't I? Perhaps. But here's the rub: I am convinced that learning to depend upon themselves and trust their own judgement -- as well as being able to work through conflicting feelings -- is the hardest thing that women face. I think it is natural for us to think collectively and we subsume our own inner desires and needs because we cannot bear to sacrifice (or even take a chance on sacrificing) our social networks and interpersonal relationships. We are willing to adapt to the needs of others -- indeed, we are happy when we do so, and those feelings spur us on to even greater effort! And I don't think men really ever do feel this aspect of the biological urge for the approval of others. I think their aspect of the approval of others is more competitive (with other men) and protective (with women.) But in both cases with men, they learn early on to seek their own internal compass and follow it, and trust in it. Women trust in the opinions of others and end up never truly letting their own internal guide develop.

Example: watch even a young boy. When asked, he will look you in the eye and tell you what he wants. He won't give a rat's ass if everyone else in the room wants something different. He will state his opinion, his thoughts, his feelings, all because they are his. Now watch even a young girl. When asked what she wants or thinks or feels, what does she do? Watch her eyes. They slide to her mother or father or friends as she gauges what the "feel" of the room wants, what her friends want to do, how she can phrase her answer to best please the multitude. She might have an opinion and might state it -- yes, some girls do -- but the vast majority learn quickly that they lose their social networks and risk their acceptance if they do not. They learn to want what others want. I have a daughter, an independent one for sure, but I see it in her just like I see it in so many of my daughter's friends and my friend's daughters. I see it in their mothers. And I see it in me.

I suggest that, at least in part, women DO know what they want; they just find themselves unable to assert themselves because their fear of losing the others in their lives and that social and emotional support network is their most instinctual drive. It can be compared to a man's sexual impulse as one of the most basic, primordial urges he has, one he follows purely without conscious thought every time his eyes stray to a woman's body.

I will even go so far as to say that since in many cases a woman's trust in her internal compass never develops, women can lose their sense of themselves and who they are. Or worse, they can know it exists, know or feel what is there, and stifle it. But what one wants eventually will out. Men wonder why so many women are "lying bitches" or "wishy-washy" sorts. Well, unable to assert her own desires, she lies, saying one thing to please and doing another to please herself. She says she thinks or feels one way but acts in a different manner -- leading men to think she does not know what she wants. She is not doing this consciously in many instances any more than a man is consciously imagining himself fucking any number of women. It just happens. It just is. It is who we are as biological beings. But what does matter is that it is something that we can realize and control when we attain the confidence and the awareness that it is something that we need to adjust to be happier and more self-sufficient.

When does that time arrive? For me, it is arriving now. I know that I must somehow manage to separate myself from all the other people in my life and figure out what "I" want. I do not mean that I should forget about my daughter's needs; of course not, for she is the one person that matters to me and should. All the others are adults, and we can all manage ourselves. But I find that I am unduly influenced by what others want, what they need, how I could hurt them, how I think they would feel. I have to make decisions based on what I know will follow and what I know I need as opposed to subsuming myself again for the good of the whole. Men do this all the time. It can be done.

So this is what I want to learn this year. Trust in my own judgement. Learn to feel the "me" and not imagine how others would feel and do what would only be good for them. I've done that for.....well....for as long as I can recall. Time to get in touch with the truth of me and stop the lies.

((Song: "Shelf In The Room" by Days of the New. Lyrics here: http://www.oddrealm.com/dotn/lyrics.html#Shelf))

Friday, January 5, 2007

Gotta keep faith that your path will change....

A few nattering things before I go into my post:

I'm still playing with the templates in this place and I'm sure I'll change them like underwear or socks for a while until I find one I like. Actually, I want to create my own but since I know absolutely nil about html, it might take a while. It's probably best to stop sinking myself into online roleplaying games and learn some honest skills. Keeping the mind active and all, right?

Music is a touchstone in my life. Music connects me to me as well as connecting me to the important people and events in my life, past and present. I use it to find comfort, to dwell in pain, to explore perspectives, to find words to thoughts and feelings unexpressed, and to shine a light upon things that like to hide in darkness. So in here, I'll use it to find my blog post titles, and I'll try to provide lyrics whenever possible. And I fully intend to have posts in here about certain groups and songs that resonate for me at certain times.

"A little cheese with that whine." Oh yes, I'll whine in here. It's my party and I'll whine if I want to. But I'll try to whine constructively, won't I, me? Good luck with that.

Oh, and about those little asides. Yeah, I'll talk to myself. It's healthy!

Now to the post, short but sweet since work is calling. I've got an appointment with a counseler today, the first one I've ever seen. I've always prided myself on working through my own issues, even if it took a while. I'm very self-aware though not very goal-oriented, I tend to procrastinate and/or operate under the assumption that if I don't do anything about something for long enough it will fade away under the weight of apathy. You're lazy. Okay, okay......lazy.

Yes, I've been lazy for the last decade, ignoring things long enough and letting them slip silently back underground. That's been successful for me inasmuch that I can be genuinely happy for another few years (sometimes as much as 4-6 years.) But then, just like a phoenix rises from the ashes or a zombie that keeps rising from the same damned grave up come those same old issues though they might have a slightly different face -- or perhaps they just turn a different profile to me. This has happened three times now since the early 90's. And you know, I'm tired of it now. I've learned it is not going away. Time to turn my body and face it full-on. Hence the counselling.

That, and the issues I am dealing with now are a lot larger that I have been accustomed to dealing with. I hesitate to use the word depression but I also know that it has taken me a year to pull myself out of feeling numb and lost. A year nearly to the day. January of last year hit me hard and I hope that I can begin to see a light at the end of a long tunnel. But, but.....don't forget about.... oh yes. Well. For one thing, the past and the present and the future are not points in time for me. They blend so deeply in my psyche. There are many things that I can rearrange in my thoughts and my feelings but that is immutable. It is who I am.

Embracing me. That is my goal now. Staring at my Shadow Self and welcoming her, really welcoming her instead of paying lip service to the process like I've done in the past. First step is to go to see someone, say I need help, and then not letting things fucking slide.

Let's get to it then.


((SONG: "Tomorrow" by James. Find the lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/james-tomorrow-lyrics.html))

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

If I Could Save Time In A Bottle....

I used to keep a journal years ago and I originally wrote this entry in there. Then I republished it recently and when I decided to begin a blog here for the new year I thought it fitting that my first post should be about time. Time is something that's been in the forefront of my mind lately. So here it is:


"My, how time flies.

When I was young I had a romantic ideal of life, relationships, and how the world works....I had all sorts of illusions about things. As Valmont in 'Dangerous Liaisons' (my favorite movie) says, "I've lost them on my travels." While at times I mourn the loss, wishing to be able to go back and feel that naive again, for the most part I am happy that I can see things like they are and not like a fantasy. I miss being 18, that time when you don't even notice you have a body because it doesn't creak and let you know it's there. But if someone were to come up and offer me the ability to go back, sacrificing my knowledge of course, I'd have to decline. I value my experiences, good and bad alike. They make me who I am. I like myself. I truly do.

I remember being a teenager, and my dad would tell me that time would go faster as I got older. I couldn't wrap my head around it, because when you're a teenager, time never seems to do anything but crawl. You keep looking into the future, waiting for that thing you're going to accomplish, or that person you're going to have, or that fortune you're going to make. When you're waiting for time to catch up to your dreams, when you're 16 and you know that you have to be 21 to actually do anything in this world, time is your enemy. Time has what you want and the most frustrating thing in the world is to know you have to wait for him to pry his bloody claws loose of what's rightfully yours to use.

Then you're in your 20's and time is your friend -- you see possibilities and you don't feel useless, you feel free! Free of your parents, your old life, your same-old, same-old. You can be the real you instead of what you pretended to be to get everyone to leave you alone, and you don't have to wait for anyone because you can finally do it all yourself.

But when you're 39 and you start finding yourself looking back, time once again becomes your enemy. But this time, instead of trying to get him to loosen his claws, you start wanting him to tighten up a bit. He's loosened the claws so much that time is like sand through his fingers -- slipping away, so damned quickly that you can actually see the days go by. You see a different face in the mirror. You see yourself doing the same thing, over and over, the same work schedule, the same household duties, the same family you used to have but this one was one you began yourself, instead of merely being one of its additions. So much more of what you do means so much more to the ones that depend on you, and it weighs you down. You feel that the hours and days you see going by are being stolen from you -- how dare they go so fast when you have so much you need to do?

You start wondering how much of that slippery time can be dribbled towards yourself, how can you compartmentalize time into slices for everyone else when what time you have is meant for you? -- and yes, you start to feel greedy with it. It is fear, stark, plain, and simple. Fear that there's a limit to the sand pouring through the fingers of Time, and you can't get it to pause for a second while you get your bearings. You know so much more about who you are but then you begin to see you don't have time to fit it all in. You want to stamp your foot and you wish with all your heart that time would once again crawl as slowly as it did when you were a teen.

But who knows? -- maybe when I'm 80 and I can really, really look back I'll laugh at myself for worrying about it at all. After all, if I've learned anything, I've learned that once something begins it doesn't just end. It keeps going, faster and faster, and you don't have the option to stop it. You can either jump on and enjoy the ride or spend your time bitching at the conductor from the sidelines.

Me, I grab all that sand that I can grab, because my life is the one thing that I own that I've paid cash for. I willingly give what I can, but I also take what I must have. I'm no good to anyone or anything -- least of all me -- if I don't..... "


((SONG: "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce, lyrics here: http://www.ondragonswing.com/ninjababe/lyrics/timebottl.htm))