Thursday, July 8, 2010

Try To Realize It's All Within Yourself

I've got a vacation coming up. I leave for the midwest in a week's time and man, am I ever looking forward to it! I need some downtime. I love going to that part of the country. It's my childhood home and where I feel most connected. It's a chance for my kiddo and my parents and I to have a lot of laughs and bond and travel. We're planning to drive a total of about 2,000 miles when all is said and done.

I know most people don't like traveling or spending an inordinate amount of time with their parents when you get older -- and I'm no different in most instances -- but this particular trip is an exception. We all go to one midwestern state and visit my brother and sister in law (and we always have a good time with them) before we head out to another midwestern state to spend a few more days with some wonderful cousins. My kiddo has already made lasting memories of her grandparents from the last trip and she'll make more on this one. My parents are in their mid- to late-60s and are my kiddo's only grandparents now since both my ex's parents are dead. Who knows how much longer we'll have my parents around? Spending time with them for both our sakes is important to me.

BFF's daughter has been worried about me, apparently. She said I didn't seem happy. She was right, I haven't been feeling that grand the last couple weeks. I'm feeling much better emotionally though than I was last week, even if physically things are still bothering me. My left calf is starting to tingle and hurt and go to sleep, I've gained enough weight to feel like a real slug, and my throat issues are starting to escalate again (though I'm not sure if it's actually escalating or if the stress is kicking it into high gear.) It's just another reason why going on this trip should be a good thing for me. Jeez, all it seems I'm doing is a constant stream of bitch, bitch, bitch.

I guess what it all comes down to is this: I know something's wrong with me. It may not be something that will show itself for years yet but it's there. I hope I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac and that I'll be hale and hearty well into my 70s but I just dont see that happening. I'm already on more medication than my 100-yr old grandmother ever took in her life.

Someday I'll be more accepting of it. My mom tells me her 50's were much better than her 40's because she'd moved past a lot of the midlife changes and I'm inclined to believe her. If you really think about it, remember how much happened to you between 13-20? Your body was rapidly changing and your mind was doing the same. I really believe the so-called 'midlife crisis' is like that was, except now we're a lot less adaptable. Seriously! Less adaptable? You bet! Back then we didn't really understand what real difference was and we certainly didn't feel like we were losing ground. We were moving forward then, into adulthood. Now we're so used to being a certain way and having our bodies do what we need them to do and then life comes along and changes the game plan. You'd think we'd be smarter about it now since we should be able to see what the issues are, but instead of rolling with it or celebrating it? We try to fight it. We fight because we don't feel we're moving forward, we feel we're being forced to give away what we know about who we are. We feel like we're backpedaling or slipping into obscurity. No one wants that. It's a battle, dammit. Our major weapon? Denial.

Sheesh. As lazy as I am, as unambitious and accepting, you'd think I'd just go ahead and give in already! Surrender the field. I know I should. I know that if I did a lot of the stress and anger and melancholy would go with it since it's something that will happen no matter what I do. But somehow it feels that if I give up and let it get me.....I'll become truly old. Old means impending death. And death? I'm not religious. I don't believe there's anything out there after. It's truly an end. I. AM. DONE.

That's what the crux is. I can't seem to accept that. Not yet. So I keep fighting.....

((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp))