All The Thoughts In My Head

A few things on my mind today.....

The kidney stones are gone! Apparently I passed the little buggers sometime in the last four years, thank the stars. The x-ray I had on Friday didn't show a single one.

Yes, an x-ray. My kidneys were still hurting so I went. That, and I couldn't.....well.....you know. Get "things" moving? Still can't to a great extent and there is a lot of that hanging around up in my upper transverse colon and bowels. That's what was hurting. It wasn't my kidneys at all.

Ya know -- and stop right here if you get queasy easily or it's just TMI -- I've always been a 3-days between kind of girl. I've since learned that's borderline chronic constipation. Hm, who knew? I just thought it was 'normal' for me. It hasn't affected me in the past much because I wasn't doing any sort of physical exertion but now that I'm working out regularly and my water needs have shot through the roof, things have changed. I was trying to drink plenty of fluids but it appears I hadn't done a bang-up job of it. Oh, and I was getting only miniscule amounts of fiber in my diet.

I've made changes but I have yet to see any....err....tangible results. I've got a vacation to go to on the 15th so I'd best get a move on, if you catch my drift. I bought some Bran Buds cereal and some Activia yogurt and I'll give those a whirl. I'm also taking medication and hopefully things will flush out and I can stop feeling miserable.

I'm also contemplating a completely and utterly scary move -- purchasing a foreclosed home. I can't say much more on that because it's still in that diaphanous stage of thought -- just drifting around in my head. Fifteen years fixed, less than my monthly rent.....I'd have equity.....being frightened of the debt.....I'd have something that is MINE.......but do I want to live in this state instead of moving to a different one for the next fifteen years?....do I have to just because I have a house?....would I get stuck and saddled with this? Etc., etc., etc. Gah.

((Song: "In Too Deep" by Sum 41. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyrics007.com/Sum%2041%20Lyrics/In%20Too%20Deep%20Lyrics.html ))

Let's All Celebrate and Have A Good Time

Tonight I submitted my last assignment for school. I will find out by Wednesday if I passed, although my other grade in this segment of the course was an A so I would have had to fail miserably to get anything other than a passing grade. So for all intents and purposes, I have graduated. I've earned my paralegal certificate.

Now on to the resume building and the recruiters and the job searching and the interviewing. Oh joy. With any luck, I'll find a great job within a year and me and the roommate can go our separate ways and I can find a great place to call my own.

I've got a rum and coke in my hand and the stress has slipped off my shoulders. For the moment, life's looking and feeling pretty good.

((Song: "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang. Lyrics here:
http://www.oracleband.net/Lyrics/celebration.htm ))

Venting....

Sick again. Sore throat and the beginning of congestion. I've got no more sick time because of the pneumonia I had in January and precious little vacation time because of the trial. And here it is only June.

I'm stressed to the max. I'm imagining things I never used to consider at all -- health issues, general obsessiveness. I feel on edge all the time. My sleeping patterns are strange; anyone who knows me knows I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat and stay asleep all night, but recently I've started waking many times during the night and tossing and turning. I don't get restful sleep, which I know is incredibly important.

So far I can't seem to get rid of all my worries completely, but I've definitely noticed that I can "talk" myself down. That's a start. I've got thyroid issues and I hope once they're addressed it'll be one more help to getting myself back on track. And two more weeks of school. Two more! Yay!

It occurred to me the other night that unlike all the other times in my life, I have no one to fall back on. If I get sick and don't have vacation time, I lose wages. If I get really sick, there is no one there to help me. I took on more debt to get another job so now I have more bills than I ever used to when I was single way back when. I am solely and utterly responsible for myself.

While on one level this exhilarates me, on another level, I am terrified. My safety net is gone. I never realized how fucking easy my life had been married to Exh and how much I'd taken for granted until I started worrying that a few days off work meant my bills wouldn't get paid. I cried last night, feeling frightened and alone, wishing I'd stayed married so I wouldn't have to worry. Behind all this bravado I'm just another scared little girl.