I've got a vacation coming up. I leave for the midwest in a week's time and man, am I ever looking forward to it! I need some downtime. I love going to that part of the country. It's my childhood home and where I feel most connected. It's a chance for my kiddo and my parents and I to have a lot of laughs and bond and travel. We're planning to drive a total of about 2,000 miles when all is said and done.
I know most people don't like traveling or spending an inordinate amount of time with their parents when you get older -- and I'm no different in most instances -- but this particular trip is an exception. We all go to one midwestern state and visit my brother and sister in law (and we always have a good time with them) before we head out to another midwestern state to spend a few more days with some wonderful cousins. My kiddo has already made lasting memories of her grandparents from the last trip and she'll make more on this one. My parents are in their mid- to late-60s and are my kiddo's only grandparents now since both my ex's parents are dead. Who knows how much longer we'll have my parents around? Spending time with them for both our sakes is important to me.
BFF's daughter has been worried about me, apparently. She said I didn't seem happy. She was right, I haven't been feeling that grand the last couple weeks. I'm feeling much better emotionally though than I was last week, even if physically things are still bothering me. My left calf is starting to tingle and hurt and go to sleep, I've gained enough weight to feel like a real slug, and my throat issues are starting to escalate again (though I'm not sure if it's actually escalating or if the stress is kicking it into high gear.) It's just another reason why going on this trip should be a good thing for me. Jeez, all it seems I'm doing is a constant stream of bitch, bitch, bitch.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I know something's wrong with me. It may not be something that will show itself for years yet but it's there. I hope I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac and that I'll be hale and hearty well into my 70s but I just dont see that happening. I'm already on more medication than my 100-yr old grandmother ever took in her life.
Someday I'll be more accepting of it. My mom tells me her 50's were much better than her 40's because she'd moved past a lot of the midlife changes and I'm inclined to believe her. If you really think about it, remember how much happened to you between 13-20? Your body was rapidly changing and your mind was doing the same. I really believe the so-called 'midlife crisis' is like that was, except now we're a lot less adaptable. Seriously! Less adaptable? You bet! Back then we didn't really understand what real difference was and we certainly didn't feel like we were losing ground. We were moving forward then, into adulthood. Now we're so used to being a certain way and having our bodies do what we need them to do and then life comes along and changes the game plan. You'd think we'd be smarter about it now since we should be able to see what the issues are, but instead of rolling with it or celebrating it? We try to fight it. We fight because we don't feel we're moving forward, we feel we're being forced to give away what we know about who we are. We feel like we're backpedaling or slipping into obscurity. No one wants that. It's a battle, dammit. Our major weapon? Denial.
Sheesh. As lazy as I am, as unambitious and accepting, you'd think I'd just go ahead and give in already! Surrender the field. I know I should. I know that if I did a lot of the stress and anger and melancholy would go with it since it's something that will happen no matter what I do. But somehow it feels that if I give up and let it get me.....I'll become truly old. Old means impending death. And death? I'm not religious. I don't believe there's anything out there after. It's truly an end. I. AM. DONE.
That's what the crux is. I can't seem to accept that. Not yet. So I keep fighting.....
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp))
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Thursday, July 16, 2009
To Everything....
....there is a season.
My exh's mother has been diagnosed with Stage 4 gastric cancer that has metastasized to her bones. A preliminary endoscopic biopsy had come up negative but the doctor, saying he knew he'd seen something, insisted that the test be done again. This result confirmed what he'd seen. The next steps (treatment, pain management, etc.) are dependent upon results from another, more thorough biopsy.
I attended a family meeting last night and stood a little aside from the crowd. Yo had called me and invited me and I was glad she had -- my regard for her grew a little bit more because of it. MIL held court and spoke at some length to her children and her grandchildren. Amongst other things, she told them how proud she was of all of them. She said she hoped she'd been able to help establish strong family ties that would extend past her and keep the family units together. My throat tightened more than once. It was highly emotional, yes, but at the same time it was quiet....and powerful....and comforting.
I wondered what was going through her mind. I wondered what would be going through mine if I found myself in her shoes. Would I handle the knowledge with grace and dignity or would I cower and deny and curl up into a fetal ball of terror? Would I prefer to die instantly to avoid the trauma of the slow loss of control or would I prefer to wrest what little control I had out of what was left of my life? And lastly, as I stood there listening to her soothe her children instead of allowing herself to be soothed....did she realize what a gift it was to have the time with those she loved and assist them and herself in seeking such closure?
I don't know what I'll do when my time comes. I only hope that I'll have half of MIL's courage.
Her children's reactions, however, were what most interested me (pardon me if that sounds clinical, it's not what I intend) and were very indicative of their personalities as well as their historical relationship with their mother. The exh wore his heart on his sleeve. He was emotional at home and became fairly easily choked up during MIL's speech as well as later when he allowed himself to think about it. He adjourned to his brother's house after the speech was over. His brother, meanwhile, was silent -- he's the type to rarely display any emotion but irritation. Of the girls, the eldest was obviously upset but held herself in check -- she'd been through it all once before with the sudden death of one of her teenage sons in an accident four years ago.
The three eldest children weren't too outside the norm, as far as grief goes. The youngest, though -- her reactions were far and away the most interesting to me. Of all the children, the youngest has had the most difficult relationship with her mother for the most years. Being so much alike, the struggle for liberation, control and mutual respect was a roughly fought one. In the last half dozen years or so youngest began to settle into a committed relationship and have children of her own. She was finally grown up enough to look past the mother in her mother and see into the woman.
Youngest had been the one to take MIL to the doctor's appointments and had the most knowledge about what had been said to her during the consultations. Youngest switched into "instruction mode" quite often. Always a way to deal with her insecurities (she's a dozen years younger than the rest of her siblings and felt she was never taken seriously) this is an aspect of her personality that has always slightly annoyed me but it was especially noticeable last night.
Youngest was the one that kept reframing words and phrases others would utter. "Don't talk like it's a done deal," she'd say. "We don't know." Or, "We don't need to talk about all that yet, let's concentrate on getting mom better." The rest of the family would nod and say yes, but all the rest of us know. We might not have the diagnosis on paper yet, but we all know. MIL's been vaguely sick (and in the last year or so, not so vaguely) for the last decade. MIL told me she knew something was wrong and that she chose to be the ostrich and told youngest this. Youngest is just choosing to block her ears.
It's understandable, though.
Youngest is losing a mother she's barely had time to really get to know, adult to adult. There's a sense of deep unfairness in her for that. There's also a deeper wellspring borne of regret for being a stupid kid/teenager/young adult who chose to allow her own feelings of stubbornness and spite to control her behavior and push her mother away instead of hold her close. She thought she'd have years. She doesn't want to have to acknowledge that there's not much more time.
My research on cancer that metastasizes to bone is dire. Even if it's a form of gastric cancer they can treat, and even if they can treat the bones themselves, this sort of cancer is one (if not THE) most painful forms of cancer you can have. Median survival rate even with treatment is 42-67 days from diagnosis.
The next few months will be rough.
((Song: "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds. Lyrics here:
http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/lyrics/byr_turntt.html ))
My exh's mother has been diagnosed with Stage 4 gastric cancer that has metastasized to her bones. A preliminary endoscopic biopsy had come up negative but the doctor, saying he knew he'd seen something, insisted that the test be done again. This result confirmed what he'd seen. The next steps (treatment, pain management, etc.) are dependent upon results from another, more thorough biopsy.
I attended a family meeting last night and stood a little aside from the crowd. Yo had called me and invited me and I was glad she had -- my regard for her grew a little bit more because of it. MIL held court and spoke at some length to her children and her grandchildren. Amongst other things, she told them how proud she was of all of them. She said she hoped she'd been able to help establish strong family ties that would extend past her and keep the family units together. My throat tightened more than once. It was highly emotional, yes, but at the same time it was quiet....and powerful....and comforting.
I wondered what was going through her mind. I wondered what would be going through mine if I found myself in her shoes. Would I handle the knowledge with grace and dignity or would I cower and deny and curl up into a fetal ball of terror? Would I prefer to die instantly to avoid the trauma of the slow loss of control or would I prefer to wrest what little control I had out of what was left of my life? And lastly, as I stood there listening to her soothe her children instead of allowing herself to be soothed....did she realize what a gift it was to have the time with those she loved and assist them and herself in seeking such closure?
I don't know what I'll do when my time comes. I only hope that I'll have half of MIL's courage.
Her children's reactions, however, were what most interested me (pardon me if that sounds clinical, it's not what I intend) and were very indicative of their personalities as well as their historical relationship with their mother. The exh wore his heart on his sleeve. He was emotional at home and became fairly easily choked up during MIL's speech as well as later when he allowed himself to think about it. He adjourned to his brother's house after the speech was over. His brother, meanwhile, was silent -- he's the type to rarely display any emotion but irritation. Of the girls, the eldest was obviously upset but held herself in check -- she'd been through it all once before with the sudden death of one of her teenage sons in an accident four years ago.
The three eldest children weren't too outside the norm, as far as grief goes. The youngest, though -- her reactions were far and away the most interesting to me. Of all the children, the youngest has had the most difficult relationship with her mother for the most years. Being so much alike, the struggle for liberation, control and mutual respect was a roughly fought one. In the last half dozen years or so youngest began to settle into a committed relationship and have children of her own. She was finally grown up enough to look past the mother in her mother and see into the woman.
Youngest had been the one to take MIL to the doctor's appointments and had the most knowledge about what had been said to her during the consultations. Youngest switched into "instruction mode" quite often. Always a way to deal with her insecurities (she's a dozen years younger than the rest of her siblings and felt she was never taken seriously) this is an aspect of her personality that has always slightly annoyed me but it was especially noticeable last night.
Youngest was the one that kept reframing words and phrases others would utter. "Don't talk like it's a done deal," she'd say. "We don't know." Or, "We don't need to talk about all that yet, let's concentrate on getting mom better." The rest of the family would nod and say yes, but all the rest of us know. We might not have the diagnosis on paper yet, but we all know. MIL's been vaguely sick (and in the last year or so, not so vaguely) for the last decade. MIL told me she knew something was wrong and that she chose to be the ostrich and told youngest this. Youngest is just choosing to block her ears.
It's understandable, though.
Youngest is losing a mother she's barely had time to really get to know, adult to adult. There's a sense of deep unfairness in her for that. There's also a deeper wellspring borne of regret for being a stupid kid/teenager/young adult who chose to allow her own feelings of stubbornness and spite to control her behavior and push her mother away instead of hold her close. She thought she'd have years. She doesn't want to have to acknowledge that there's not much more time.
My research on cancer that metastasizes to bone is dire. Even if it's a form of gastric cancer they can treat, and even if they can treat the bones themselves, this sort of cancer is one (if not THE) most painful forms of cancer you can have. Median survival rate even with treatment is 42-67 days from diagnosis.
The next few months will be rough.
((Song: "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds. Lyrics here:
http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/lyrics/byr_turntt.html ))
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Let's All Celebrate
Well, it's (sort of) official, at least in my mind. If I'm not celiac, per se, I'm definitely affected by wheat. I haven't eaten wheat for a week or so now but I decided to have a fried egg sandwich last night because I was lazy and didn't want to fix anything else.
Ugh. This morning I feel as bloated as a beached whale.
So yeah, it appears that it's time to re-evaluate my diet and make permanent changes. If I have colitis, and I may, then the wheat-free diet has seemed to help keep flare-ups to a minimum. So be it.
I'd been feeling a little down again -- as I mentioned a few posts ago -- but the last couple days have improved my mood considerably. I hope it signals the beginning of an upswing instead of a glitch. The roomie is headed out of town for a few weeks and that means I get the apartment to myself. Two whole weeks! Whoo hoo!
Well, gee. Whatever shall I do?
((Song: "Celebration" by Kool and The Gang. Lyrics here:
http://www.energyexpressband.com/lyrics/wedding%20lyrics%20celebration%20kool%20the%20gang.htm ))
Ugh. This morning I feel as bloated as a beached whale.
So yeah, it appears that it's time to re-evaluate my diet and make permanent changes. If I have colitis, and I may, then the wheat-free diet has seemed to help keep flare-ups to a minimum. So be it.
I'd been feeling a little down again -- as I mentioned a few posts ago -- but the last couple days have improved my mood considerably. I hope it signals the beginning of an upswing instead of a glitch. The roomie is headed out of town for a few weeks and that means I get the apartment to myself. Two whole weeks! Whoo hoo!
Well, gee. Whatever shall I do?
((Song: "Celebration" by Kool and The Gang. Lyrics here:
http://www.energyexpressband.com/lyrics/wedding%20lyrics%20celebration%20kool%20the%20gang.htm ))
Friday, May 1, 2009
If I Squeeze My Grape, Then I Drink My Wine
You know how you get those days when all you want to do is get in the car and drive? Go nowhere, really, but just go? Listen to the music pour from the speakers and wash over you as you let everything weighing you down just empty out of you?
I'm having one of those days.
I thought about Grey today when I heard some Kenny Wayne Shepard pop up on my mp3 player. I texted him and we chatted a bit. Just touching base with him made me smile and feel better. I've been wondering if I'm not sinking a little bit again; dipping my toes in and breaking through the surface of a tiny depression. All the symptoms are there again. By now you'd think I'd know to anticipate that my moods will ebb and flow, but it concerns me that it seems the ebbs are coming closer and closer together as I am growing older.
Am I happy? Well, that's the million dollar question, isn't it? When my thoughts turn to escape -- even if I'm not really sure what it is that I'm trying to escape FROM -- it usually means no, or at least an "I don't think so."
When I first got divorced I went through a "celebratory" period, for lack of a better term. Going over to friend's houses, listening to music, dancing and singing and laughing. It wasn't that I hadn't done that before -- I had -- but it no longer carried the underlying frisson of "reporting" in to someone. Feeling that freedom was a wonderful antidote.
That celebratory feeling is gone now. I don't spend as much time with my friends and haven't because I'd rather spend more and more of my time in my room, alone. I don't feel the desire to go out and I don't feel as connected to my friends as I did then. I just feel very alone in a way that my friends can't fill.
I'm also frustrated at some health issues. More than each one independently, all together they make me feel helpess and useless and have made me look at my own mortality and the faster and faster passing of all-too-important years. It's one thing to think abstractly of your own finiteness and quite another to get old enough to really grasp its totality. I know that I'm in the midst of working through some existential issues and I won't get them sorted out until I reach an acceptance of both the inevitability of my own ending and my inability to prevent it from occurring. Right now I get angry and scared and feel indignation, injustice, desperation and futility instead of that place of calm acceptance.
This is a really hard battle for me. I'm a natural half-empty girl. Pessimism is my drink of choice. Maybe I'm just exhausted with the battle -- mentally, that is. When I'm in good health I'm a lot more upbeat and social and don't dwell on all these sorts of things. I need to remind myself that I won't always be in picture perfect health. I simply have to find way to enjoy life no matter what, instead of spending what years I have (and they could be a very many yet) in a funk fueled by my anger at losing what is, in actuality, only an illusionary control. After all, when my time does come, I want to be able to handle it with dignity and acceptance and not despair.
So anyway, these feelings, which I've experienced in the past, are back with a vengeance. That's why I think I've been dipping my toes into the waters of sadness again. Such is my lot. I comfort myself with the fact that after I forge through these issues I'll be in a better frame of mind. My mom tells me her 50s were much better than her 40s. I suspect that's because these sorts of things had been resolved. At least I hope so.
((Song: "Grey Room" by Damien Rice. Lyrics here: http://www.eskimofriends.com/lyrics.asp#grey ))
I'm having one of those days.
I thought about Grey today when I heard some Kenny Wayne Shepard pop up on my mp3 player. I texted him and we chatted a bit. Just touching base with him made me smile and feel better. I've been wondering if I'm not sinking a little bit again; dipping my toes in and breaking through the surface of a tiny depression. All the symptoms are there again. By now you'd think I'd know to anticipate that my moods will ebb and flow, but it concerns me that it seems the ebbs are coming closer and closer together as I am growing older.
Am I happy? Well, that's the million dollar question, isn't it? When my thoughts turn to escape -- even if I'm not really sure what it is that I'm trying to escape FROM -- it usually means no, or at least an "I don't think so."
When I first got divorced I went through a "celebratory" period, for lack of a better term. Going over to friend's houses, listening to music, dancing and singing and laughing. It wasn't that I hadn't done that before -- I had -- but it no longer carried the underlying frisson of "reporting" in to someone. Feeling that freedom was a wonderful antidote.
That celebratory feeling is gone now. I don't spend as much time with my friends and haven't because I'd rather spend more and more of my time in my room, alone. I don't feel the desire to go out and I don't feel as connected to my friends as I did then. I just feel very alone in a way that my friends can't fill.
I'm also frustrated at some health issues. More than each one independently, all together they make me feel helpess and useless and have made me look at my own mortality and the faster and faster passing of all-too-important years. It's one thing to think abstractly of your own finiteness and quite another to get old enough to really grasp its totality. I know that I'm in the midst of working through some existential issues and I won't get them sorted out until I reach an acceptance of both the inevitability of my own ending and my inability to prevent it from occurring. Right now I get angry and scared and feel indignation, injustice, desperation and futility instead of that place of calm acceptance.
This is a really hard battle for me. I'm a natural half-empty girl. Pessimism is my drink of choice. Maybe I'm just exhausted with the battle -- mentally, that is. When I'm in good health I'm a lot more upbeat and social and don't dwell on all these sorts of things. I need to remind myself that I won't always be in picture perfect health. I simply have to find way to enjoy life no matter what, instead of spending what years I have (and they could be a very many yet) in a funk fueled by my anger at losing what is, in actuality, only an illusionary control. After all, when my time does come, I want to be able to handle it with dignity and acceptance and not despair.
So anyway, these feelings, which I've experienced in the past, are back with a vengeance. That's why I think I've been dipping my toes into the waters of sadness again. Such is my lot. I comfort myself with the fact that after I forge through these issues I'll be in a better frame of mind. My mom tells me her 50s were much better than her 40s. I suspect that's because these sorts of things had been resolved. At least I hope so.
((Song: "Grey Room" by Damien Rice. Lyrics here: http://www.eskimofriends.com/lyrics.asp#grey ))
Monday, April 6, 2009
I'm Still Alive
I've been performing a little experiment this weekend. I've gone wheat- and gluten-free.
I think I mentioned before how bloated I've been feeling? Well, I've lost about 5 lbs from what I weighed at the doctor's less than a week ago. I don't feel bloated and my energy levels are pretty high. I'm not sure if the change in diet has anything to do with it yet, but it's sure not hurting me.
I'm going to tell my doc to look for signs of celiac when he's doing the colonoscopy. Celiac can lay dormant for years and get triggered during long stressful periods or during bouts of serious illnesses like pneumonia. I don't know whether some of my bowel disturbances are due to anything like celiac, but even if I'm not celiac, perhaps I have an intolerance to it. I have felt better since leaving it alone. If that means adapting to an entirely new way of eating, especially giving up my adorable, lovely breads (*whimper*) then so be it. If it means I live and feel better, than it'll be worth it. I have a choice here. I can look at it from the avenue of what I lose or I can look at it from what I gain. What I gain is the ability to go outside my comfort zone; once again I can experience new foods and learn to widen my range of eatables. That sounds like fun.
Like quinoa! I tried it this weekend and I've really fallen for its unique texture and nutty taste. It takes some effort to make it because it has a soapy substance called saponin on it that you have to soak off (30 mins does the trick) and then rinse a couple times before putting it on to cook. But soooo worth it. A hard boiled egg and a bowl of quinoa in the morning with some soy milk and a sprinkle of muscovado sugar on top tastes like heaven.
I've done some reading this weekend, too. Wheat lies in so many insiduous places like in Splenda (maltodextrin) in soft drinks (caramel flavoring) and even in plain old cheddar cheese (annato, used for color.) Sheesh.
Anyway, I won't know for sure until I get all the tests done so there's no use fretting about it any longer. I'll just keep eating without wheat and see what I feel like over the next couple weeks. If I feel better -- especially if I don't feel bloated! -- then I'll make the change.
As we were speaking of the possibility of celiac this morning, BK told me that I needed to move out of my place and into my own apartment. She said something that gave me pause. She said, "After all, you're a new person so you need a new place. Look at what you're doing. Eating differently, exercising? You're remaking yourself."
Hm. Maybe I am.
I'll be spending Easter Sunday at the ex-mother in law's house. Exh invited me and the kiddo to go along and watch the little ones do their eggs. I haven't yet accepted an invite so I decided to take this one. I haven't seen exh's youngest niece yet -- she's about 8 months old or so -- and I can catch up with all of my ex-in-laws. I like them, they're good people.
I wonder how Yo will take this -- when I fit in so effortlessly and she's still trying? Two weeks ago I received notice of my cousin's death in the mail addressed to my old place, so it came to exh's house. He handed it to me; I read it and immediately become visibly upset. Exh didn't give me a hug or comfort me though Yo offered some words of condolence. A day later exh calls me and apologizes for not showing me comfort. He said, "You know, until she gets secure in the relationship between her and me," and I said, "Yes, I knew exactly why you didn't."
And I did. I understand it....but it amuses me.
((Song: "Alive" by Pearl Jam. Lyrics here:
http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/970/pearl_jam..ten..alive.html ))
I think I mentioned before how bloated I've been feeling? Well, I've lost about 5 lbs from what I weighed at the doctor's less than a week ago. I don't feel bloated and my energy levels are pretty high. I'm not sure if the change in diet has anything to do with it yet, but it's sure not hurting me.
I'm going to tell my doc to look for signs of celiac when he's doing the colonoscopy. Celiac can lay dormant for years and get triggered during long stressful periods or during bouts of serious illnesses like pneumonia. I don't know whether some of my bowel disturbances are due to anything like celiac, but even if I'm not celiac, perhaps I have an intolerance to it. I have felt better since leaving it alone. If that means adapting to an entirely new way of eating, especially giving up my adorable, lovely breads (*whimper*) then so be it. If it means I live and feel better, than it'll be worth it. I have a choice here. I can look at it from the avenue of what I lose or I can look at it from what I gain. What I gain is the ability to go outside my comfort zone; once again I can experience new foods and learn to widen my range of eatables. That sounds like fun.
Like quinoa! I tried it this weekend and I've really fallen for its unique texture and nutty taste. It takes some effort to make it because it has a soapy substance called saponin on it that you have to soak off (30 mins does the trick) and then rinse a couple times before putting it on to cook. But soooo worth it. A hard boiled egg and a bowl of quinoa in the morning with some soy milk and a sprinkle of muscovado sugar on top tastes like heaven.
I've done some reading this weekend, too. Wheat lies in so many insiduous places like in Splenda (maltodextrin) in soft drinks (caramel flavoring) and even in plain old cheddar cheese (annato, used for color.) Sheesh.
Anyway, I won't know for sure until I get all the tests done so there's no use fretting about it any longer. I'll just keep eating without wheat and see what I feel like over the next couple weeks. If I feel better -- especially if I don't feel bloated! -- then I'll make the change.
As we were speaking of the possibility of celiac this morning, BK told me that I needed to move out of my place and into my own apartment. She said something that gave me pause. She said, "After all, you're a new person so you need a new place. Look at what you're doing. Eating differently, exercising? You're remaking yourself."
Hm. Maybe I am.
I'll be spending Easter Sunday at the ex-mother in law's house. Exh invited me and the kiddo to go along and watch the little ones do their eggs. I haven't yet accepted an invite so I decided to take this one. I haven't seen exh's youngest niece yet -- she's about 8 months old or so -- and I can catch up with all of my ex-in-laws. I like them, they're good people.
I wonder how Yo will take this -- when I fit in so effortlessly and she's still trying? Two weeks ago I received notice of my cousin's death in the mail addressed to my old place, so it came to exh's house. He handed it to me; I read it and immediately become visibly upset. Exh didn't give me a hug or comfort me though Yo offered some words of condolence. A day later exh calls me and apologizes for not showing me comfort. He said, "You know, until she gets secure in the relationship between her and me," and I said, "Yes, I knew exactly why you didn't."
And I did. I understand it....but it amuses me.
((Song: "Alive" by Pearl Jam. Lyrics here:
http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/970/pearl_jam..ten..alive.html ))
Friday, April 3, 2009
All We Are Is Dust In The Wind
I've been a little sad lately. I haven't felt like blogging much, at least not here. I do a genealogy blog that I've done a bit of work on, though. It's cathartic.
Nearly 15 years ago now I met my first real "cousin" doing genealogy that didn't belong to the last two generations of my immediate family. Her 3rd g-grandfather and my 4th g-grandfather were brothers. We bonded immediately, although there was over 30 years difference in our ages. She and I researched together for a long time and eventually took a trip together in '01 back to a little town in IL where our ancestors once lived.
She told me in January that she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer of a kind that doesn't let its victims live very long. She told me one of her deepest regrets was not being able to documentally prove a father-son lineage that we intuitively knew to be true. I immediately scheduled a trip back to where they were living at the time so I could find that proof for her.
That is the trip I will go on in 2 weeks. I had hoped to make it in time, but I found out last week that I didn't. She passed away two weeks ago. I'm still going on the trip and it will still be a lot of fun. I hope I do find that proof. I hope that if I do, she'll know it no matter where she happens to be now.
RIP, my friend. I'll miss you.
Let's see.....in health news I have a colonoscopy/endoscopy scheduled for the end of April. That oughta be fun -- not. It'll likely put me about $1.5k in debt after all is said and done since my damned deductible is so high. We'll see....but I have Barrett's and would just as soon get all that looked at. Going under anesthesia is NOT my cup of tea anyway and I've heard with bad teeth it's not necessarily a wise idea at all. I suppose I'll have to call the doc and let him know I have bad teeth and see what he says.
I am sooooooo looking forward to that trip I mentioned. I'm tired. Working two jobs and hitting the gym (though due to a sore back I am out this week) is wiping me out.
This weekend is MINE MINE MINE! Roommate is gone, kiddo is with her dad. On the agenda: sleeping, laying about in pajamas, bringing my budgeting program up to date, planning the genealogical information I need to research on my trip, more sleeping. Maybe coffee in jammies and a good book here and there? Oh, and maaaaybe a little teensy bit of bad TV.
And unless something special comes up -- NO guests.
((Song: "Dust In The Wind" by Kansas. Lyrics here:
http://en.slowradio.com/lyrics/kansas:dust_in_the_wind ))
Nearly 15 years ago now I met my first real "cousin" doing genealogy that didn't belong to the last two generations of my immediate family. Her 3rd g-grandfather and my 4th g-grandfather were brothers. We bonded immediately, although there was over 30 years difference in our ages. She and I researched together for a long time and eventually took a trip together in '01 back to a little town in IL where our ancestors once lived.
She told me in January that she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer of a kind that doesn't let its victims live very long. She told me one of her deepest regrets was not being able to documentally prove a father-son lineage that we intuitively knew to be true. I immediately scheduled a trip back to where they were living at the time so I could find that proof for her.
That is the trip I will go on in 2 weeks. I had hoped to make it in time, but I found out last week that I didn't. She passed away two weeks ago. I'm still going on the trip and it will still be a lot of fun. I hope I do find that proof. I hope that if I do, she'll know it no matter where she happens to be now.
RIP, my friend. I'll miss you.
Let's see.....in health news I have a colonoscopy/endoscopy scheduled for the end of April. That oughta be fun -- not. It'll likely put me about $1.5k in debt after all is said and done since my damned deductible is so high. We'll see....but I have Barrett's and would just as soon get all that looked at. Going under anesthesia is NOT my cup of tea anyway and I've heard with bad teeth it's not necessarily a wise idea at all. I suppose I'll have to call the doc and let him know I have bad teeth and see what he says.
I am sooooooo looking forward to that trip I mentioned. I'm tired. Working two jobs and hitting the gym (though due to a sore back I am out this week) is wiping me out.
This weekend is MINE MINE MINE! Roommate is gone, kiddo is with her dad. On the agenda: sleeping, laying about in pajamas, bringing my budgeting program up to date, planning the genealogical information I need to research on my trip, more sleeping. Maybe coffee in jammies and a good book here and there? Oh, and maaaaybe a little teensy bit of bad TV.
And unless something special comes up -- NO guests.
((Song: "Dust In The Wind" by Kansas. Lyrics here:
http://en.slowradio.com/lyrics/kansas:dust_in_the_wind ))
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
All The Thoughts In My Head
A few things on my mind today.....
The kidney stones are gone! Apparently I passed the little buggers sometime in the last four years, thank the stars. The x-ray I had on Friday didn't show a single one.
Yes, an x-ray. My kidneys were still hurting so I went. That, and I couldn't.....well.....you know. Get "things" moving? Still can't to a great extent and there is a lot of that hanging around up in my upper transverse colon and bowels. That's what was hurting. It wasn't my kidneys at all.
Ya know -- and stop right here if you get queasy easily or it's just TMI -- I've always been a 3-days between kind of girl. I've since learned that's borderline chronic constipation. Hm, who knew? I just thought it was 'normal' for me. It hasn't affected me in the past much because I wasn't doing any sort of physical exertion but now that I'm working out regularly and my water needs have shot through the roof, things have changed. I was trying to drink plenty of fluids but it appears I hadn't done a bang-up job of it. Oh, and I was getting only miniscule amounts of fiber in my diet.
I've made changes but I have yet to see any....err....tangible results. I've got a vacation to go to on the 15th so I'd best get a move on, if you catch my drift. I bought some Bran Buds cereal and some Activia yogurt and I'll give those a whirl. I'm also taking medication and hopefully things will flush out and I can stop feeling miserable.
I'm also contemplating a completely and utterly scary move -- purchasing a foreclosed home. I can't say much more on that because it's still in that diaphanous stage of thought -- just drifting around in my head. Fifteen years fixed, less than my monthly rent.....I'd have equity.....being frightened of the debt.....I'd have something that is MINE.......but do I want to live in this state instead of moving to a different one for the next fifteen years?....do I have to just because I have a house?....would I get stuck and saddled with this? Etc., etc., etc. Gah.
((Song: "In Too Deep" by Sum 41. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyrics007.com/Sum%2041%20Lyrics/In%20Too%20Deep%20Lyrics.html ))
The kidney stones are gone! Apparently I passed the little buggers sometime in the last four years, thank the stars. The x-ray I had on Friday didn't show a single one.
Yes, an x-ray. My kidneys were still hurting so I went. That, and I couldn't.....well.....you know. Get "things" moving? Still can't to a great extent and there is a lot of that hanging around up in my upper transverse colon and bowels. That's what was hurting. It wasn't my kidneys at all.
Ya know -- and stop right here if you get queasy easily or it's just TMI -- I've always been a 3-days between kind of girl. I've since learned that's borderline chronic constipation. Hm, who knew? I just thought it was 'normal' for me. It hasn't affected me in the past much because I wasn't doing any sort of physical exertion but now that I'm working out regularly and my water needs have shot through the roof, things have changed. I was trying to drink plenty of fluids but it appears I hadn't done a bang-up job of it. Oh, and I was getting only miniscule amounts of fiber in my diet.
I've made changes but I have yet to see any....err....tangible results. I've got a vacation to go to on the 15th so I'd best get a move on, if you catch my drift. I bought some Bran Buds cereal and some Activia yogurt and I'll give those a whirl. I'm also taking medication and hopefully things will flush out and I can stop feeling miserable.
I'm also contemplating a completely and utterly scary move -- purchasing a foreclosed home. I can't say much more on that because it's still in that diaphanous stage of thought -- just drifting around in my head. Fifteen years fixed, less than my monthly rent.....I'd have equity.....being frightened of the debt.....I'd have something that is MINE.......but do I want to live in this state instead of moving to a different one for the next fifteen years?....do I have to just because I have a house?....would I get stuck and saddled with this? Etc., etc., etc. Gah.
((Song: "In Too Deep" by Sum 41. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyrics007.com/Sum%2041%20Lyrics/In%20Too%20Deep%20Lyrics.html ))
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me
The new job is going as well as can be expected. I've been thrown in the deep end and I'm handling cases and drafting documents. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends but I want to make sure that I don't look like an idiot. I've been telling myself today that I simply have to stop getting all stressed out. I woke up this morning with a bit of stuffiness and the realization that the stress of the last few days has apparently kicked my almost-in-remission sickness of a few weeks ago back out of remission. I'm feeling the urge to cough more and more. My throat is sore and my head is achy. I'm not "sick," per se, but I don't feel good either. Damn it all.
I'm going to bed now. At 8:30, sheesh. But I simply can't afford to let this catch back up with me again.
((Song: "Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me," sung by the cast of Hee Haw. Lyrics here:
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/g/gloomdespairandagonyonme.shtml ))
I'm going to bed now. At 8:30, sheesh. But I simply can't afford to let this catch back up with me again.
((Song: "Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me," sung by the cast of Hee Haw. Lyrics here:
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/g/gloomdespairandagonyonme.shtml ))
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I've Got A Lot Of Catching Up To Do
Ergh. Still on decongestants and guaifensin. Still a bit coughy and a bit stuffy without them. I swear, if these last two weeks are anything like what I can expect from allergies I'll just save myself the trouble and the expense and cut my nose off now. I can always breathe through my mouth.
Still working out and still cursing it with every last breath, although this morning in spinning class I started telling myself that half my problem is mental -- I "convince" myself into thinking my body won't do something that it is actually able to do if I'd just let it. So instead of thinking, "Only seven more minutes of hell," I started repeating, "You CAN do it, let yourself." And finally, after a time.....I did. And I found that I was smiling halfway through.
Now if only I can find that mental place all the time.
I've been a little down lately. I learned about a month ago that a cousin of mine -- a woman that I've only actually met face-to-face once but who has been working side-by-side with me on our family genealogy for the last fifteen years -- has been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. She's in her mid-70's and she says she's accepted her fate and that she's had a good life with good family and friends. She and I corresponded regularly after she told me this until last week, when she abruptly stopped emailing. I started getting worried and tried to call but the phone number she gave me wasn't working. I sat and silently stewed until yesterday, when she emailed me again. She didn't tell me where she was, but it ended up that she didn't have to. She sent me a copy of an email she sent the company that hosts her family web site; she and I have been trying to get the reins of the site handed over to me but have had little success because her messages have went unanswered. In the email she mentioned her stint in the hospital and her urgency for resolution because she had little time left.
Funny. Even though I know that this is happening, seeing it hit me hard. I had asked her about a time frame and she told me less than a year. I think she was being generous. I think she has less time left than she wants me to know. She's such a wonderful lady, and I love her. I'm going to miss her when she's gone.
Death is such a specter to me. It terrifies me. I can't imagine my own death or dealing with its nearness with anything resembling the grace that my cousin is managing. I'd gladly become a vampire if I could. I've suffered panic attacks since my brush with death in a post-operative mishap (I was given demerol, which I'd used before but apparently it didn't mix well with my other anesthesia and I stopped breathing.) Now I simply don't handle anything related to side effects or possible problems well at all. "Going under" and using anesthesia petrifies me. I feel like such a wimp, since before that post-op reaction I wasn't scared of anything....
I can't escape death. It will get me. I know it. I hate it.
It's beyond my control.
Song: "The Night Is Still Young" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/12-gardens-live/careless-talk-0 ))
Still working out and still cursing it with every last breath, although this morning in spinning class I started telling myself that half my problem is mental -- I "convince" myself into thinking my body won't do something that it is actually able to do if I'd just let it. So instead of thinking, "Only seven more minutes of hell," I started repeating, "You CAN do it, let yourself." And finally, after a time.....I did. And I found that I was smiling halfway through.
Now if only I can find that mental place all the time.
I've been a little down lately. I learned about a month ago that a cousin of mine -- a woman that I've only actually met face-to-face once but who has been working side-by-side with me on our family genealogy for the last fifteen years -- has been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. She's in her mid-70's and she says she's accepted her fate and that she's had a good life with good family and friends. She and I corresponded regularly after she told me this until last week, when she abruptly stopped emailing. I started getting worried and tried to call but the phone number she gave me wasn't working. I sat and silently stewed until yesterday, when she emailed me again. She didn't tell me where she was, but it ended up that she didn't have to. She sent me a copy of an email she sent the company that hosts her family web site; she and I have been trying to get the reins of the site handed over to me but have had little success because her messages have went unanswered. In the email she mentioned her stint in the hospital and her urgency for resolution because she had little time left.
Funny. Even though I know that this is happening, seeing it hit me hard. I had asked her about a time frame and she told me less than a year. I think she was being generous. I think she has less time left than she wants me to know. She's such a wonderful lady, and I love her. I'm going to miss her when she's gone.
Death is such a specter to me. It terrifies me. I can't imagine my own death or dealing with its nearness with anything resembling the grace that my cousin is managing. I'd gladly become a vampire if I could. I've suffered panic attacks since my brush with death in a post-operative mishap (I was given demerol, which I'd used before but apparently it didn't mix well with my other anesthesia and I stopped breathing.) Now I simply don't handle anything related to side effects or possible problems well at all. "Going under" and using anesthesia petrifies me. I feel like such a wimp, since before that post-op reaction I wasn't scared of anything....
I can't escape death. It will get me. I know it. I hate it.
It's beyond my control.
Song: "The Night Is Still Young" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/12-gardens-live/careless-talk-0 ))
Monday, January 26, 2009
And The Winner Is.....
Strep, Round Two.
I was just getting over my strep when I had a bad allergy attack -- the first real one I've ever had since I've just developed the damned things over the last 6-9 months -- and it spiraled me back into the cycle. Drainage = irritated throat = infection = strep. I'm achy and bitchy and all the other -y's that you can think of. I called my doc and he gave me another scrip for a different antibiotic. He told me if this one didn't clear it up I'd have to come back in.
Arrrrrrgh. What is it aboout January that makes my body think it just hasn't filled its quota of sick for the year?
I was just getting over my strep when I had a bad allergy attack -- the first real one I've ever had since I've just developed the damned things over the last 6-9 months -- and it spiraled me back into the cycle. Drainage = irritated throat = infection = strep. I'm achy and bitchy and all the other -y's that you can think of. I called my doc and he gave me another scrip for a different antibiotic. He told me if this one didn't clear it up I'd have to come back in.
Arrrrrrgh. What is it aboout January that makes my body think it just hasn't filled its quota of sick for the year?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
But You May Feel A Little Sick...
I got a flu shot this season but it's probably not the flu I need to be worrying about. A lot of people in my office have been sick and instead of staying home they come shuffling in, hacking and coughing and sniffling. I can't stay home to avoid them, so I end up swimming in the miasma of germs they cast off. Grrrrreat.
Tis the season and all, right? I know something's going around. The kiddo is home from school today with a sore throat. This time last year I was weeks away from my bout with pneumonia. I don't care to be that sick again. After that I started taking zinc and a multivitamin and gargling with salt water and using a neti pot. Eating more greens and fruits. I took the flu shot when it was offered. Yet I'm thinking my immune system must still be made of tissue paper. I'm not sick -- yet? -- but I've had a headache for the last day and a half and my throat feels a little tender. Damn it, what else can I do? Grrrrr.......
Tonight will be an early night. I'm tired and my health meter feels slightly askew, if you know what I mean. Hopefully a good night's sleep with some aspirin and chicken soup will help.
((Song: "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. Lyrics here:
http://www.pink-floyd-lyrics.com/html/comfortably-numb-wall-lyrics.html ))
Tis the season and all, right? I know something's going around. The kiddo is home from school today with a sore throat. This time last year I was weeks away from my bout with pneumonia. I don't care to be that sick again. After that I started taking zinc and a multivitamin and gargling with salt water and using a neti pot. Eating more greens and fruits. I took the flu shot when it was offered. Yet I'm thinking my immune system must still be made of tissue paper. I'm not sick -- yet? -- but I've had a headache for the last day and a half and my throat feels a little tender. Damn it, what else can I do? Grrrrr.......
Tonight will be an early night. I'm tired and my health meter feels slightly askew, if you know what I mean. Hopefully a good night's sleep with some aspirin and chicken soup will help.
((Song: "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. Lyrics here:
http://www.pink-floyd-lyrics.com/html/comfortably-numb-wall-lyrics.html ))
Monday, May 26, 2008
Try To Realize It's All Within Yourself
Eh, life's been throwing me a few curve balls lately.
I've been dealing with a number of strange "symptoms" over the last month, some of which are almost assuredly physical and some that might have their origins in anxiety. I've experienced a number of warm flushed feelings, following by shortness of breath and numbness and tingling in my hands and arms.
The symptoms I've just described, I've decided, are probably 90% anxiety. I went to the ER last month when I experienced them for the first time and they ran a CT scan and an EKG and did blood tests. Then they sent me for a stress test. The tests all came back normal....at least I thought they had. More about that in a moment.
For the last couple weeks, my right shoulder's been painful. I've experienced numbness from the shoulder to my fingertips on that hand. You know that place in between the time that your limb goes numb and the time it wakes up and gets tingly and painful? Where it burns with that heated feeling and you know it's about to hurt? That's how it's felt for the most part. It gets tingly too, but mostly just burns.
And lastly, on two separate occasions, I've had difficulty getting the thoughts I think to come out of my mouth in the normal amount of time it takes for me to speak. In other words, things seem to slow down and I have to think extra hard and concentrate a bit more in order for my mouth to form the sounds. This has scared me both times because -- to be frank -- it reminds me sharply of my grandmother's TIAs. TIAs are tiny strokes.
So, I went to a doctor that was recommended to me. He asked that I gather all my medical records and send them to him -- a first for any PCP I've seen. I liked him! He was thorough and spoke to me of where I felt I was mentally as well as physically. Another first. Then he looked at my medical records from the ER visit and let me know that my thyroid and liver functions were a bit abnormal.
Really now? I wonder why they didn't mention that when I was there? Damned people. I am sure that my thyroid is causing a bit of this stuff but how much I won't be sure.
My doc let me know he was most concerned about my speech and my shoulder. He scheduled some lab work for me (thyroid, cholesterol, liver) and then he's going to set me up for an MRI to rule out any brain issues that might be causing the speech thing. We'll also do an EMG (electromyography) on the shoulder to see if I might have a pinched nerve. Those 2-3 weeks of neck pain a couple months ago or so might have been another sign of this, who knows.
Anyway.....
There is the anxiety issue. I've managed to calm myself through one of these episodes of flushing and stuff, so I suspect anxiety is at the root of some of it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but my paranoia about medical procedures due to my coding on the table during my hysterectomy and my fear of dying just compound and make me anxious to the point of silliness.
I refuse to take any anti-anxiety meds unless I can't get a handle on it myself, so I'm going to take this step by step and first look into yoga to try to ease my anxiety and learn to self-soothe. I've been under a lot of stress lately -- more than I think -- and I've always prided myself on being generally mellow. Hell, I've always thought I was extremely so! But it appears I might be more like my high strung mother than I thought.
I'm too young for this shit. I've got a good life. I have a great kiddo and a budding fantastic relationship. I have schooling that's almost over and a chance to start a new career and have a new place of my own.
Jesus, no wonder I'm stressing.
Bedtime now. More later.
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp ))
I've been dealing with a number of strange "symptoms" over the last month, some of which are almost assuredly physical and some that might have their origins in anxiety. I've experienced a number of warm flushed feelings, following by shortness of breath and numbness and tingling in my hands and arms.
The symptoms I've just described, I've decided, are probably 90% anxiety. I went to the ER last month when I experienced them for the first time and they ran a CT scan and an EKG and did blood tests. Then they sent me for a stress test. The tests all came back normal....at least I thought they had. More about that in a moment.
For the last couple weeks, my right shoulder's been painful. I've experienced numbness from the shoulder to my fingertips on that hand. You know that place in between the time that your limb goes numb and the time it wakes up and gets tingly and painful? Where it burns with that heated feeling and you know it's about to hurt? That's how it's felt for the most part. It gets tingly too, but mostly just burns.
And lastly, on two separate occasions, I've had difficulty getting the thoughts I think to come out of my mouth in the normal amount of time it takes for me to speak. In other words, things seem to slow down and I have to think extra hard and concentrate a bit more in order for my mouth to form the sounds. This has scared me both times because -- to be frank -- it reminds me sharply of my grandmother's TIAs. TIAs are tiny strokes.
So, I went to a doctor that was recommended to me. He asked that I gather all my medical records and send them to him -- a first for any PCP I've seen. I liked him! He was thorough and spoke to me of where I felt I was mentally as well as physically. Another first. Then he looked at my medical records from the ER visit and let me know that my thyroid and liver functions were a bit abnormal.
Really now? I wonder why they didn't mention that when I was there? Damned people. I am sure that my thyroid is causing a bit of this stuff but how much I won't be sure.
My doc let me know he was most concerned about my speech and my shoulder. He scheduled some lab work for me (thyroid, cholesterol, liver) and then he's going to set me up for an MRI to rule out any brain issues that might be causing the speech thing. We'll also do an EMG (electromyography) on the shoulder to see if I might have a pinched nerve. Those 2-3 weeks of neck pain a couple months ago or so might have been another sign of this, who knows.
Anyway.....
There is the anxiety issue. I've managed to calm myself through one of these episodes of flushing and stuff, so I suspect anxiety is at the root of some of it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but my paranoia about medical procedures due to my coding on the table during my hysterectomy and my fear of dying just compound and make me anxious to the point of silliness.
I refuse to take any anti-anxiety meds unless I can't get a handle on it myself, so I'm going to take this step by step and first look into yoga to try to ease my anxiety and learn to self-soothe. I've been under a lot of stress lately -- more than I think -- and I've always prided myself on being generally mellow. Hell, I've always thought I was extremely so! But it appears I might be more like my high strung mother than I thought.
I'm too young for this shit. I've got a good life. I have a great kiddo and a budding fantastic relationship. I have schooling that's almost over and a chance to start a new career and have a new place of my own.
Jesus, no wonder I'm stressing.
Bedtime now. More later.
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp ))
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