I'm On A Ride And I Want To Get Off

...but they won't slow down/the roundabout."

Those lyrics have been bouncing around in my head for the past hour or so. So much of life seems routine and predictable and then -- every once in a while -- something comes along that shakes you out of your self-imposed coma. It's really hard to stand back and let that something drop away and force yourself to step back into the routine. You find every cell in your body aching to remain in that maelstrom that makes you feel alive instead of existing.

We all know people or places or situations (PPS's) where that aliveness takes hold more readily. Like the proverbial yin and yang, your soul sparks when you face that PPS. It can feel sexual or even be sexual but mostly it's stronger and deeper than that....it's sensual. It feels warm like home even when it scares you half to death. It's primitive, it's unexplainable. You might want to try to explain it because people have a need for understanding in a cause and effect sort of manner, but you can't really face it with reason as a tool to analyze it or as a weapon to confront it. You just know it when you see it. When you do, if you're smart you hang onto that PPS. It is a silver thread joining you to being alive. You don't question, you enjoy. You learn.

It might seem like it would be very hard to deny that you could have this connection but humans are a very contrary species. We can talk ourselves into things, talk ourselves out of things, tell ourselves we don't want things that we do and tell ourselves we want things that we don't. Denial, it is said, is more than just a river in Egypt. Denial is one of our greatest attempts at channeling the whirlwind within. So yeah, it can be done -- people do it all the time. Some live their lives avoiding any contact with that river and others dive in headfirst and do only what their desires tell them to do.

I know it's hard to tread that line between living authentically and living in denial. Allowing yourself an occasional dip in that river might seem too dangerous. You might get caught in the undertow. It's why many people choose to avoid that risk and content themselves with walking on the outskirts of life, especially if they're the type that get so lost in the forbidden revel that they find themselves swimming out too far.

I can't stand not taking that risk. I waded in a pool where I didn't belong for years. It isn't something I regret, necessarily, for I learned about life and about myself while doing it. And I did belong there, once upon a time. But I spent more time yearning for my authentic self during those years than I did actually going about the business of being my authentic self. Life isn't the practice run, it's the main event. You gonna stand behind that curtain until the fat lady sings?

((Song: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:

http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/TheReflex.html ))

If You Try Sometimes, You Just Might Find You Get What You Need...

I've decided to take a more novel approach to a recurring problem that I've been having with my kiddo. The problem is school. She's uninterested and her grades have been slipping. Although some of it can be attributed to her father's wedding (her language teacher said she noticed a rather sharp downturn about three weeks ago and ex said that Yo's son is also acting out a bit at his preschool) I'm not very surprised at this turn of events. Kiddo usually starts out strong and begins to slide. School isn't a priority for her and unlike me, she's never equated good grades with her sense of self-worth...at least not enough to strive for top grades like I did. She just says she doesn't want to.

Barring a lengthy explanation, I've come to the conclusion that grounding her isn't really a long-term solution. While we've grounded her now and she'll stay grounded until she brings her grades up to acceptable levels, I've got this other idea to test.

I'm not really thrilled about it but it's worth a try, especially if one believes (and I do) that part of why my kiddo is so lackluster in the motivation department is because she modeled it after me. I was so driven as a child and young adult and somewhere along the way I stopped being so because I realized that any return I was seeing wasn't worth the effort. I simply downgraded my needs and wants until they matched what effort I was willing to make to realize them. I let my husband take care of me. I stated many times within kiddo's earshot that I was lazy and didn't much care, it was "who I am and I am okay with it."

I know I contributed. So time for me to step up to the plate.

Here's my idea. Since I can't expect her to just suddenly get the desire to buckle down and do the distasteful work just because she's grounded (let me rephrase that; I can expect it of her but it doesn't mean it'll happen) I need to lead with honey and not with vinegar. I've been talking the talk and she knows it. She thinks I'm giving her the vocal equivalent of "do what I say and not what I do." There's no real motivation there.

I need to get her motivated and make her actually want to study so I need to turn it into a situation that'll play on what does inspire her to act. I know she enjoys feeling like she knows more than other people do about some things. She likes a bit of competition. She likes being respected for her ability, and she likes adapting a mentoring stance.

So.....yeah. See, there's this one thing that I've put off forever because I hate doing it so much. I know I should do it but I've made every excuse under the sun for avoiding it. My favorite? "I don't want to." Sheesh. In this, I sound very like my kiddo.

What I'm referring to, of course, is....*shudder*......exercise. Gagggggghhhhhh.

Kiddo knows I feel this way about exercise. She's bugged me for a long time about it but I've blown her off. She's athletic and in JROTC and she's proud of her fitness levels. She feels superior to me for this and it amuses me. Anyway, I feel sure she'll see that if I'm going to voluntarily offer up exercise it's a serious matter indeed and that's exactly what I need her to think. I need her to see that I intend to do more than just talk, but walk the walk.

I see it going something like this: I have to do so much exercise a week, she has to do so much studying. I have to report in to her and I'll make sure to ask for 'tips' from her so she feels like she's mentoring me and making an investment in my success. In return she has to report in to me about her grades. I help her study. She helps me get fit. Ideally, we're each other's cheering section.

I want her to feel like I do when I see her get good grades. I want her sense of competitiveness to rise and I hope that when she gets a real taste of how good it feels to succeed I hope that she'll find it easier to make more of an effort. Maybe if she sees me giving effort to something I despise and becoming better and stronger and more proud of myself for it, maybe she'll be more willing to make the same kind of effort as well.

This might end up being a stupid idea. But the other ways haven't worked so far so when it's broken, you try to fix it, right?


((Song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. Lyrics here:
http://www.keno.org/stones_lyrics/you_cant_always_get_what_you_want.htm ))