Shall We Call This A Lesson Learned?

It took long enough but it finally happened. Yo had her first little insecure mini-meltdown about the way that exh and I deal with each other.

Exh has been storing a few pieces of furniture for me and has also been using an old chest freezer that my parents gave us that's nearly as old as I am and therefore doesn't have sealed freon. I didn't need it at my current apartment and was afraid if it sat without being used it would freeze up, so I encouraged him to use it in the interim.

Exh and I had a chat the other day about the freezer because I am getting 40 lbs of pork this weekend and needed a place to store it. I asked him if he had enough room left to store the pork, he said yes. End of discussion. Or so I thought.

So Yo called me last night -- ostensibly about the freezer -- but there was definitely a subtext to her call. She started out by saying something about how exh didn't think the matter was resolved (I thought, huh?) and that she'd moved all their freezer items out and that they could make it without it. At this juncture it seemed she wanted me to pick it up. I explained I didn't have room, I didn't want to risk ruining it if it sat useless, and that I thought it was of greater benefit if was put it to good use.

She hem-hawed around a bit more and, not attaining her true objective, she finally came out and said what she'd been trying to avoid. "Well, I just have a problem with someone coming into my house when I'm not there."

Aha, there it was.

This flabbergasted me -- and frankly, it also pissed me off. I wondered if she even noticed that I ring her doorbell when I come over to pick up kiddo and never go into the house without doing so. However, I managed to keep a level tone when I said, "Yo, I wouldn't ever step foot in your house without calling first," because the subtext was so patently obvious. Insecurity Central -- marking her territory and staking her claim. She didn't want any of my stuff in HER house. She has enough reminders of me already.

My response took the wind out of her sails and gave her no recourse but to accept the way things were, lest she appear to be the bitch the really wanted to be. She mumbled a quick, "Oh, well, okay then. It can stay." I said thank you and we hung up.

I realize now that when I discussed the use of the freezer with exh without including Yo in the decision making, it was a bit shortsighted of me. I also see how the ease with which my exh and I get along is very disconcerting to her and places her in the position of wondering where she fits in. She feels that, as his wife, she deserves more say in matters. None of this is unreasonable. I do need to practice better communication in the future to head these sorts of things off at the pass.

I spoke to exh about it all this morning. He told me a number of things -- too much to go into here -- but he did say that Yo knew the way things were when she married him and that she needs to get okay with it or else she'll only end up making herself unhappy needlessly. While this is rational on the surface, it's shortsighted on his part. Ignoring her feelings and/or trivializing them is dangerous -- he did it with me and it ended up doing irreversible damage. I don't think he realized then what his actions were implying and it's apparent he hasn't learned much since that time. She's at her most sensitive now and frankly, he's depending on the fact that -- like a man -- she'll be able to look past her own insecurities and trust her rational mind. Very rarely do we women do this sort of thing skillfully at a young age. It's hard to learn to trust a man's love for you when your heart feels like such a fragile thing in the beginning.

I began this post feeling a bit upset at her. I feel now, at the end, that it might be time that she and I have the lunch we haven't yet had. Perhaps hearing some things from me might soothe her mind. As much as I believe that exh made a terrible mistake by marrying Yo so quickly and reboundingly, now that he has, I hate to see another young woman questioning herself and not feeling able to trust her own judgement -- and ending up mistrusting the man she lives with instead.

And as for the furniture -- well, he's removing it from storage because he needs the money since Yo lost her job. I'll be storing it at BFF's house for the moment, which I thank her for. I'll find another place for it as soon as I can.

((Song: "Lesson Learned" by Ray LaMontagne. Lyrics here:
http://ferrydust.com/words/1543/ray-lamontagne-lesson-learned ))

I've Got A Lot Of Catching Up To Do

Ergh. Still on decongestants and guaifensin. Still a bit coughy and a bit stuffy without them. I swear, if these last two weeks are anything like what I can expect from allergies I'll just save myself the trouble and the expense and cut my nose off now. I can always breathe through my mouth.

Still working out and still cursing it with every last breath, although this morning in spinning class I started telling myself that half my problem is mental -- I "convince" myself into thinking my body won't do something that it is actually able to do if I'd just let it. So instead of thinking, "Only seven more minutes of hell," I started repeating, "You CAN do it, let yourself." And finally, after a time.....I did. And I found that I was smiling halfway through.

Now if only I can find that mental place all the time.

I've been a little down lately. I learned about a month ago that a cousin of mine -- a woman that I've only actually met face-to-face once but who has been working side-by-side with me on our family genealogy for the last fifteen years -- has been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. She's in her mid-70's and she says she's accepted her fate and that she's had a good life with good family and friends. She and I corresponded regularly after she told me this until last week, when she abruptly stopped emailing. I started getting worried and tried to call but the phone number she gave me wasn't working. I sat and silently stewed until yesterday, when she emailed me again. She didn't tell me where she was, but it ended up that she didn't have to. She sent me a copy of an email she sent the company that hosts her family web site; she and I have been trying to get the reins of the site handed over to me but have had little success because her messages have went unanswered. In the email she mentioned her stint in the hospital and her urgency for resolution because she had little time left.

Funny. Even though I know that this is happening, seeing it hit me hard. I had asked her about a time frame and she told me less than a year. I think she was being generous. I think she has less time left than she wants me to know. She's such a wonderful lady, and I love her. I'm going to miss her when she's gone.

Death is such a specter to me. It terrifies me. I can't imagine my own death or dealing with its nearness with anything resembling the grace that my cousin is managing. I'd gladly become a vampire if I could. I've suffered panic attacks since my brush with death in a post-operative mishap (I was given demerol, which I'd used before but apparently it didn't mix well with my other anesthesia and I stopped breathing.) Now I simply don't handle anything related to side effects or possible problems well at all. "Going under" and using anesthesia petrifies me. I feel like such a wimp, since before that post-op reaction I wasn't scared of anything....

I can't escape death. It will get me. I know it. I hate it.

It's beyond my control.



Song: "The Night Is Still Young" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/12-gardens-live/careless-talk-0 ))

And The Winner Is.....

Strep, Round Two.

I was just getting over my strep when I had a bad allergy attack -- the first real one I've ever had since I've just developed the damned things over the last 6-9 months -- and it spiraled me back into the cycle. Drainage = irritated throat = infection = strep. I'm achy and bitchy and all the other -y's that you can think of. I called my doc and he gave me another scrip for a different antibiotic. He told me if this one didn't clear it up I'd have to come back in.

Arrrrrrgh. What is it aboout January that makes my body think it just hasn't filled its quota of sick for the year?

Hup, One, Two, Three......

So I joined this gym.

Starting on the 13th of January I worked out an hour each day up until this Tuesday, when I came down with strep. I went to the doc on Wednesday, got antibiotics on Thursday, and spent my weekend recovering while busying myself scanning in all my old family pictures and genealogical documents.

I've now recovered from the strep and am back at work. I went to work out today for an hour and plan on getting up at fuck-thirty (read: 4:30 am) in the morning to do it again. I am working out with this girl in my office who's lost about 60 lbs so far and plans to continue her weight loss. She attends school in the evenings after work so we have to make it before work at 7 am if we want to get any workout time in and believe me, she does. She's a drill sergeant, I tell you, a sadistic freaking drill sergeant! Damn her hide, she won't let me skate or wiggle out of workouts. I've done more physical activity in the last two weeks than I've done for the past two years.

She just might be my savior.

Hee!

I Am In A Conventional Dither

Happy New Year everyone!

Let's see......where to start?

The holidays were fine. Rather enjoyable, as a matter of fact. I didn't feel the heavy obligations that I always felt when I was married so -- because I didn't HAVE to go to all these places -- I enjoyed going to the few I did go to. (My parents with the kiddo, in other words.)

The roommate and my friend Queen are dating...well, whatever passes for dating nowadays I suppose. I'm admittedly a little blurry on the definition. The roommate is in many ways like her ex. During my talk with her I told her she tended to gravitate toward emotionally challenged, unavailable men that make her work for the scraps of affection they throw her way. I mentioned her romantic entanglements resemble her relationship with her mother -- working for approval and praise and feeling that if either are given to her without her effort or her sacrifice it's worthless. I said, rather bluntly, that her relationship with roomate is like updating her software - Ex version 2, or "EX.2" Hee! I'm still concerned on many levels because I don't see anything but an oncoming train at the end of this particular tunnel, but I've said my peace to Queen and don't care to lose a friendship over it. She's a big girl. But I'll be there when he runs her over.

I'm going after work to join a gym. There's a first time for everything, hm? I've went a few times with a girl I work with and so far so good. I had troubles the last time I worked out -- 3 months, 4-5 times a week, 30-45 min each session, eating less than 1200 calories a day...and the only thing I got for it? Toned arms. Didn't lose a pound, didn't lose an inch. Thyroid, anyone????....but that's a subject for another rant. Anyway, I've got to think of it as a health and maintenance issue to keep me feeling strong and fit as opposed to a vanity issue. I do recall feeling better doing it. So I'm putting money where my mouth is.

Hm.....oh yes. I've got a few more additions to the "Oh My God She's Young" files: when I walked into the house a few days ago to pick up the kiddo Yo was there sitting on the couch with her laptop sending messages on MySpace. I briefly wondered why she was there since most of the time kiddo is home alone that soon after school is out. I found out why quickly. Seems Yo got fired from her job for, and I quote, "opening my mouth one too many times." This is the second job she's been fired from in as many years. But no worries, because she's apparently contemplating going back to school but "I don't know what I want to do." This is of course all on the Exh's dime. This oughta be fun; I remember well how tight it was for he and I and the kiddo to live on his salary and mine, much less his on its own. Then there's the fact that she likes to spend money a lot more than I do and that there's four of them. Wait, maybe five! As she was telling me about the job she said, "It'd be just my luck to get pregnant right now too." I thought to myself well that's easy to prevent you silly goose, but that works only if she really wants to prevent it in the first place. It's obvious she doesn't.

So I ended up standing outside talking to the exh while she was rolling around in the grass and chasing my kiddo, laughing and giggling. I watched her out of the corner of my eye and her youth was so painfully apparent that as I went on talking to exh I actually felt embarrassed for him.

Which also reminds me -- she's got over $800 worth of unpaid tickets to her home state and if she doesn't pay them, she could do jail time.

Oh my dear exh, whatever were you thinking when you hitched your cart to this wagon? Er, or it might be more accurate to ask, whatever were you thinking WITH?


((Song: "A Wonderful Guy" by Tex Beneke and Margaret Whiting. Lyrics here:
http://legalgeekery.com/2008/11/08/fallout-3-song-list/comment-page-3/))