Growing Up In A Hurry, Yeah

Still here. My new job's been crazy and my gaming has been consuming. Oh, and I've been sick with bronchitis as well. When I have the time to sit and think about things and come up with a decent post I'll be sure to put it here. Other than that, there's only one tidbit I can think of:

A few weeks ago the kiddo called from school. This initially concerned me and I was about to lecture her on it until she said she'd broken up with her girlfriend. She told me the entire story, which boiled down to the fact that she was tired of having to deal with parents that didn't accept the fact that their daughter and my kiddo were seeing each other. She hated the sneaking around and she hated the drama. She wanted to enjoy being able to go out, openly, and just have the regular relationship style that her straight friends enjoyed.

She poured out her reasons and told me she knew that her girlfriend would be angry and upset and she was upset herself for having to inflict this sort of thing. Then she said, "Mom, I really only called for one thing." She paused briefly, and continued. "I wanted to know if I did the right thing."

I think I blinked a few times and I got that warm feeling. You know the one, when you realize that your kiddo is actually asking for your advice, and trusting in it? The one where it sinks in that your approval and support is important? I got that feeling.

"You did the right thing, kiddo. It was the hard thing, but the right thing often is."

She exhaled audibly and said, "Thanks, mom." Then her voice perked up. "Okay, I have to go. I'll talk to you later."

As I hung up the phone and went back to work I was sufficed with pride. My kiddo is really growing up.

((Song: "Magic Man" by Heart. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/magicman.htm ))

Let’s Go Back To Church

My kiddo has had a difficult time in her short years finding a church that accepted her for who she is. She would attend other churches with her friends but found that while they preached love and acceptance, the reality was much different. She could never find one that would acknowledge that she could be the person she is and still believe in a Creator. Instead, otherwise supposedly mature adults would exclude her from their "club" by labeling her as immoral or against God and punishing her. She had to hide to be accepted amongst them and ultimately, that wasn't something she was willing to do.

A few weekends ago she was directed toward a church about a half an hour away from her house and her dad took her. The joy in her voice when I spoke to her on the phone afterward was enough for me to offer to take her this last weekend when she stayed with me. She was skeptical about that offer since she is well aware that I am atheist and haven't stepped inside a church (except for weddings and funerals) for more years than she's been alive. But I didn't hesitate. When she described it to me I figured that -- of all the churches I'd heard of so far -- this one would be all right with an atheist in their midst.

So on Sunday we put on our regular everyday clothes and attended a predominantly LGBT church.

I have to say that it was the best church experience I've ever had. The sermon and ceremony was very influenced by the Catholic tradition of mass and communion. Hymns were powerful, the sermon itself was short but inspiring, and everyone seemed warm and close and accepted. I spent the first part of the service watching from behind the pews and the second half in the welcome center drinking coffee and listening to the resonance of the music and the voices raised in song. For moments there, I actually felt that uplifting sense of communal warmth and belief and I must admit, it was a feeling that surprised me as it occurred. It felt good. I thought about it after it had dissipated and wished that feeling was something that could be sustaining in my life and could be a real presence instead of a brief flash. But it isn't. I'm well aware that my experience was nothing but a momentary sense of shared experience and not something that resides within me. However, feeling it was nice. It allowed me a deeper understanding why others that are capable of those profound beliefs consider it such an important aspect of their lives.

After the service I went into the Fellowship hall and looked around and was definitely the "odd woman out" but not in a bad way. Mingling with everyone seemed effortless and there was much laughing and kidding and catching up. No somber seriousness. I really felt comfortable.

Kiddo came out glowing. She's made some friends, she's happy, she's accepted. And that's worth it to me. I'll be taking her every Sunday she's with me and wants to go.

((Song: "Converted" by Alabama 3. Lyrics here: http://lyrics.wikia.com/A3:Converted))

It's Just A Fantasy, It's Not The Real Thing

My last commenter prodded me to update. All right, then, let's discuss fantasy and reality.

Some people use fantasy -- games, etc -- to escape reality. To avoid reality. I do that at times, just like everyone else does. I did it a lot the last time I played before I divorced.

This time, though, I'm finding my needs are different ones. Oh, there's still a little of the need to escape, sure. But for the most part this time my desire to game springs from different origins. I'm using it to channel creativity and to interact and socialize. But primarily I am using it to create my own reality or extend my own reality.

In other words, I'm using the game to replace the things that I still desire to have in my reality in theory, but have learned don't actually work for me in practice. I can be that woman that is able to be all the things I would like to be if I weren't who I was and give to another all the things that the real me can't give. I write the script and what's more, if I don't like what I wrote, I can walk away without hurting anyone.

I am, though her, the ultimate voyeur to my own life.

(Song: "Sometimes A Fantasy" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/glass-houses/sometimes-a-fantasy))

Our House It Has A Crowd

During the time the ex and I were married he worked at a number of manufacturing plants in their accounting departments. He made friends over the years with a few of the other accountants and line managers and kept in touch with them for some years after leaving the jobs where he'd met them.

One of these friends of his popped into my mind today. I don't even know if the two of them stay in touch any longer and it really doesn't matter anyway since it doesn't pertain to this story. What does pertain is that this friend, who is Mexican-American, was the patriarch of a rather large, extended family. His siblings were always falling on hard times and since he was working and making a decent salary he ended up supporting them financially or allowing them to stay in his home for one reason or another. He even ended up raising a few of their children when those hard times became habitual or routine.

Personally, my open-door policy wouldn't have been so open-ended. I'd have allowed for one such trip through, possibly two if in need. Any more than that and it isn't need so much as indicative of a habi. Those sorts of habits usually end up with one or the other of us holding hard feelings. No thanks.

So far in the year that the ex and Yo (who is also half Mexican-American) have been married, her mother and her mother's boyfriend -- and their small dog -- have lived with them three times. Ex is pretty much supporting them, but to be fair, Yo's mom has been doing all the cooking and cleaning and housework for the family. Her boyfriend works, I believe, but only part-time. He does a lot of odd jobs around the house.

Kiddo seems to have adjusted well to having the two of them in the house and, if truth be told, I know she enjoys not having to do much housework or cooking. But when I spoke to her today I heard a puppy yapping in the background and casually mentioned it. Her response was an aggravated one. "We have more people living here now and they have a puppy."

I didn't ask how many or how they belonged to Yo. I didn't have to; I knew they did and that there were at least two of them. That house has three bedrooms (Ex and Yo's, kiddo's, and Yo's son's) and had six people and three dogs living in it BEFORE the however-many-others and their puppy have come to camp out. What is it with packing people in like fleas? Isn't the ex sick of living on top of other people? Is he planning to end up like his friend?

All I can say is I thank all that's holy that I'm not living there now.

Hm. I wonder if kiddo will want to come live with me?

((Song: "Our House" by Madness. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsplanet.com/index.php3?style=lyrics&id=52762 ))

It's Been A Long Time....

I've been sorely neglecting this little blog. I've been neglecting a lot of things the last couple weeks because I've been indulging an old habit/hobby of mine -- online gaming. I have tried various avenues for this -- most notably WoW -- but the constant grinding and farming for quests just wasn't able to hold my interest as much as the heavy roleplaying systems based on the Neverwinter Nights game. NWN is much like old school Dungeons & Dragons and that has always been near and dear to my heart.

I quit the game about a year before my divorce for a number of reasons, none of which I feel the need to slog through at this juncture. I've recently picked it back up (mostly because of HD, actually, who began again as well) and I've already found an enjoyment in it that was missing by the end of my last time through. Who says you can't revisit something and find something new when you do?

There's not been a lot to say anyway. Life's been rather placid. About the only thing of any consequence has been my continued correspondence with Grey. He told me once just about a week ago that I knew how much he cared about me. I told him then that sometimes I didn't, but thinking about it now? Why, yes. Yes, I do.

((Song: "Wait" by the Beatles. Lyrics here: http://lyrics.wikia.com/The_Beatles:Wait))