Life sure can hand you some seismic twists. I was a fool to get lulled into the confidence of thinking that these sorts of things couldn't happen to me any longer. I was a fool to think I was immune to the effects.
The last couple of years I've settled into a pretty consistent pattern. I get up, I go to work, I hang with friends, I may play some video games or watch some TV, I go to bed and get up and do it again. Life has been very simple, steadfast, and predictable. Men have been peripheral in my life and I've been happy with it that way. They come when I want them to and go when I need them to and -- unlike my younger years -- I haven't needed them to complete me, to define me, or to validate me. I have been alone, indeed, but only rarely lonely. The sense of peace and freedom springing from this has been a new-ish frontier I've been exploring with pleasure and I've (hopefully) absorbed many lessons about how to move through the remaining decades of my life.
I've wondered now and again during the last few years how I'd react if anything came along to disturb the surface water sense of familiar I've surrounded myself with. I wondered now and again if, like the proverbial drunk, I would forget everything I have learned, pitch far off the wagon, and fall right back into old ways and old patterns. I'd then assure myself that the time for me to allow myself the luxury of self-deception had passed with my divorce and my subsequent acceptance of both my physical limitations and the emotional consequences they play in my relationships. I'd tell myself that.
Then, yesterday, I got a note from the past -- from someone all but gone in my life. It seems that he is now doing what he should have done six years ago and he and his wife are splitting. The news hit me a bit stronger than I thought it would. I didn't expect to actually "feel" the impact of it like I did and there was a part of me that was very disappointed with myself for those feelings. I kept talking myself down from going onto ledges I didn't need to go. Yesterday was another one of those learning experiences.
Today I feel much more level. I've regained a bit of the equilibrium I lost in the aftermath of the news. I am not the same person I was six years ago and neither is he. He will move on and find the path he needs to be on and it won't be one that contains me, at least not in any sense other than in a (perhaps) different sort of friendship. I cannot give him any more now than I could then -- the difference being, now I'm aware of that. I really do accept myself more now. This, at least, is good.
I also learned not to be so cocky. There are still wagons I can fall off of. I suppose only time can be the final determinator.
P.S. = the man I mentioned in my last post, my co-worker that I went for coffee with? We've spent more time together both with others and by ourselves. He's a nice man and is pleasant to be around but I feel no desire to take the relationship any other place than it is. I think he deserves a moniker here so I will call him CB. This makes sense to me for reasons I won't bother to share here.
Song: "Return Of The Mack" by Mark Morrison. Lyrics here:
http://www.rnbhaven.com/90s-music/lyrics/Return-Of-The-Mack/M/236/5482
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Hello, Yeah It's Been A While
Not much. How bout you?
Since vacation ended I've been busy. I came home to a whole new set of job responsibilities and the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Even though there's been a lot of pressure put on me with these new tasks I think it does me good in the long run. I've found my job more interesting recently -- always a big plus. I also have much more ammunition in the raise category. A few more weeks, enough to show what I've been producing (now that what I produce is a contractual obligation between my company and clients rather than just in-house) and I will go for that raise.
Personally, a thing has -- um, may have? -- come up but it's not really anything I want to talk about just yet. So I'll move on.
A co-worker of mine -- a rather nice-looking man a few years older than me but with a young attitude and a perennial bachelor -- invited me out for coffee after work a few days ago. The men friends I've told about this say it was a de facto date, something a man does when he doesn't have the cahones to ask you out on a real date but would rather test the waters. I was glad they agreed with my initial assessment of the situation. Anyway coffee ended up being dinner (a sandwich shop next door to the coffee joint, not anything we had to plan or drive to) and afterwards a pleasant goodbye and a "See you at work!"
He and I are vastly different people. We share outlooks on many things but come to them from different perspectives and first and foremost, he is quite religious and I am not at all. He's a very nice guy, don't get me wrong, but we're just different. I'm glad we spent time together and I hope that I can continue to have nice conversations with him but, unless he didn't get the vibes that I was sending his way, that is the extent of my interest.
It was a nice time, though. At least I wasn't in front of my computer.
Hah!
((Song: "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan & John Ford Coley. Lyrics here:
http://www.sappylovesongs.net/SeeYouTonight.html ))
Since vacation ended I've been busy. I came home to a whole new set of job responsibilities and the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Even though there's been a lot of pressure put on me with these new tasks I think it does me good in the long run. I've found my job more interesting recently -- always a big plus. I also have much more ammunition in the raise category. A few more weeks, enough to show what I've been producing (now that what I produce is a contractual obligation between my company and clients rather than just in-house) and I will go for that raise.
Personally, a thing has -- um, may have? -- come up but it's not really anything I want to talk about just yet. So I'll move on.
A co-worker of mine -- a rather nice-looking man a few years older than me but with a young attitude and a perennial bachelor -- invited me out for coffee after work a few days ago. The men friends I've told about this say it was a de facto date, something a man does when he doesn't have the cahones to ask you out on a real date but would rather test the waters. I was glad they agreed with my initial assessment of the situation. Anyway coffee ended up being dinner (a sandwich shop next door to the coffee joint, not anything we had to plan or drive to) and afterwards a pleasant goodbye and a "See you at work!"
He and I are vastly different people. We share outlooks on many things but come to them from different perspectives and first and foremost, he is quite religious and I am not at all. He's a very nice guy, don't get me wrong, but we're just different. I'm glad we spent time together and I hope that I can continue to have nice conversations with him but, unless he didn't get the vibes that I was sending his way, that is the extent of my interest.
It was a nice time, though. At least I wasn't in front of my computer.
Hah!
((Song: "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan & John Ford Coley. Lyrics here:
http://www.sappylovesongs.net/SeeYouTonight.html ))
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I'm Back In the Saddle Again
Checking in!
I'm back from my vacation. The parents and the kiddo and I had a great time. We ended up driving about 2700 miles total. It was a bit more rushed this time around than it was 2 years ago since we'd added one destination (Chicago) to our itinerary. This time around was a lot more tiring for my parents -- so much so that if we do it again next year or a few years from now we'll take a plane. If you knew my mom you'd have a surprised and shocked look on your face about now. My mom's never been on a plane and has always sworn she wouldn't do it. When she said that was what she intended to do I could tell she was even more tired than she was letting on. Frankly, I'm pleased as punch. The drive is brutal, my parents are getting older, and I don't want to do it again.
During my time in Chicago I had a wonderful reunion with the girl who was my next door neighbor and best friend during kindergarten and first grade. (I saw her briefly when we were 15 on a visit back but except for that, we hadn't seen each other since we were 7.) We spent an evening at her house and she and her husband threw a backyard cookout for us. They currently own the house three doors down from the house I used to live in and two doors down from the one she grew up in and in which her father still lives. It was fantastic to see her and her family and she and I really bonded again. She's a lovely person.
As an aside -- her brother, 7 years older than we are, was the one I contacted to find her again. He didn't remember me from Adam and hadn't spoken to me in 35 years and yet, by my picture on Facebook, he began to flirt, calling me sexy and cute and saying we should date and all. Oh sheesh! I don't want a relationship (least of all with the brother of a friend of mine!) and I wish I'd had the presence of mind to ask him, "Oh, well, thanks! But hmmmmm, it depends. Are you rich?"
I figure if he can judge whether he wants to date me (i.e., have sex with me) by a picture, I can judge whether I want to date him (i.e., have sex with him) by the size of his wallet. If we're comparing pleasures, a European tour is just as enjoyable as a good lay. Don't ever think I can't be as shallow as a man can!
The funny and priceless moment of the trip? My dad -- bless his heart -- couldn't seem to get it through his head that his 40-something daughter had been driving for over two decades and could probably read roadsigns and directions even in unfamiliar territories (especially given that for 10 years my career was reading maps!) So he'd sit in the back seat making comments about how he could see my exit coming up or something of that nature and fall back on, "Well, I'm just saying!" when he was called on it. But my kiddo, my brilliant, funny, sarcastically witty kiddo, who was sitting in the backseat with him, had finally had enough of this on the way home. To yet another upcoming exit comment, kiddo just calmly said, "Soooo, pawpaw, what are you now, a tour guide?"
I nearly spewed my mouthful of coffee through my nose.
That's my girl!
Other than the great times with family and friends and pursuing a hobby of mine that often requires travel, I learned something else of vital importance on this vacation. I mentioned in my last post about those silly throat issues I've had since last year. Something that I sort of wondered about (or sort of already knew) demonstrated itself clearly to me over the week and a half we were gone. I noticed my throat issues went away significantly during my vacation. As in, I forgot to take my peppermint oil pills and didn't even realize it until the day before we were scheduled to leave.
Upon realizing this I also realized another important thing. I was breathing. Deep and normal breaths. Not holding my breath without realizing it until I drew in a deep breath on purpose. Not the shallow ones that I'd grown accustomed to taking with my chest tight. Not ones that I had to slow down or speed up to feel right. Deep, normal, relaxed breaths. I realized this because the morning I awoke to head home, the old style of breathing and such began again. By the time I arrived in my parking lot I was feeling my throat for the first time in a week.
Sonofabitch. It's stress. Fucking stress. More than that -- anxiety. It's slowly been building up in me for years now, I guess. I just never really noticed it. Perhaps that was what ate my gall bladder away and began my GERD. Perhaps it's causing my migranes. Perhaps, even now, it's destroying the tissues of my throat. It seems finally my body's had enough and it's letting me know it can't manage it any longer without physical repercussions. I need to stop it before it does any more damage.
So what am I going to do about it?
((Song: "Back In The Saddle Again" by Aerosmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.aerosmithfans.com/cds/words/0401.html ))
I'm back from my vacation. The parents and the kiddo and I had a great time. We ended up driving about 2700 miles total. It was a bit more rushed this time around than it was 2 years ago since we'd added one destination (Chicago) to our itinerary. This time around was a lot more tiring for my parents -- so much so that if we do it again next year or a few years from now we'll take a plane. If you knew my mom you'd have a surprised and shocked look on your face about now. My mom's never been on a plane and has always sworn she wouldn't do it. When she said that was what she intended to do I could tell she was even more tired than she was letting on. Frankly, I'm pleased as punch. The drive is brutal, my parents are getting older, and I don't want to do it again.
During my time in Chicago I had a wonderful reunion with the girl who was my next door neighbor and best friend during kindergarten and first grade. (I saw her briefly when we were 15 on a visit back but except for that, we hadn't seen each other since we were 7.) We spent an evening at her house and she and her husband threw a backyard cookout for us. They currently own the house three doors down from the house I used to live in and two doors down from the one she grew up in and in which her father still lives. It was fantastic to see her and her family and she and I really bonded again. She's a lovely person.
As an aside -- her brother, 7 years older than we are, was the one I contacted to find her again. He didn't remember me from Adam and hadn't spoken to me in 35 years and yet, by my picture on Facebook, he began to flirt, calling me sexy and cute and saying we should date and all. Oh sheesh! I don't want a relationship (least of all with the brother of a friend of mine!) and I wish I'd had the presence of mind to ask him, "Oh, well, thanks! But hmmmmm, it depends. Are you rich?"
I figure if he can judge whether he wants to date me (i.e., have sex with me) by a picture, I can judge whether I want to date him (i.e., have sex with him) by the size of his wallet. If we're comparing pleasures, a European tour is just as enjoyable as a good lay. Don't ever think I can't be as shallow as a man can!
The funny and priceless moment of the trip? My dad -- bless his heart -- couldn't seem to get it through his head that his 40-something daughter had been driving for over two decades and could probably read roadsigns and directions even in unfamiliar territories (especially given that for 10 years my career was reading maps!) So he'd sit in the back seat making comments about how he could see my exit coming up or something of that nature and fall back on, "Well, I'm just saying!" when he was called on it. But my kiddo, my brilliant, funny, sarcastically witty kiddo, who was sitting in the backseat with him, had finally had enough of this on the way home. To yet another upcoming exit comment, kiddo just calmly said, "Soooo, pawpaw, what are you now, a tour guide?"
I nearly spewed my mouthful of coffee through my nose.
That's my girl!
Other than the great times with family and friends and pursuing a hobby of mine that often requires travel, I learned something else of vital importance on this vacation. I mentioned in my last post about those silly throat issues I've had since last year. Something that I sort of wondered about (or sort of already knew) demonstrated itself clearly to me over the week and a half we were gone. I noticed my throat issues went away significantly during my vacation. As in, I forgot to take my peppermint oil pills and didn't even realize it until the day before we were scheduled to leave.
Upon realizing this I also realized another important thing. I was breathing. Deep and normal breaths. Not holding my breath without realizing it until I drew in a deep breath on purpose. Not the shallow ones that I'd grown accustomed to taking with my chest tight. Not ones that I had to slow down or speed up to feel right. Deep, normal, relaxed breaths. I realized this because the morning I awoke to head home, the old style of breathing and such began again. By the time I arrived in my parking lot I was feeling my throat for the first time in a week.
Sonofabitch. It's stress. Fucking stress. More than that -- anxiety. It's slowly been building up in me for years now, I guess. I just never really noticed it. Perhaps that was what ate my gall bladder away and began my GERD. Perhaps it's causing my migranes. Perhaps, even now, it's destroying the tissues of my throat. It seems finally my body's had enough and it's letting me know it can't manage it any longer without physical repercussions. I need to stop it before it does any more damage.
So what am I going to do about it?
((Song: "Back In The Saddle Again" by Aerosmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.aerosmithfans.com/cds/words/0401.html ))
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Try To Realize It's All Within Yourself
I've got a vacation coming up. I leave for the midwest in a week's time and man, am I ever looking forward to it! I need some downtime. I love going to that part of the country. It's my childhood home and where I feel most connected. It's a chance for my kiddo and my parents and I to have a lot of laughs and bond and travel. We're planning to drive a total of about 2,000 miles when all is said and done.
I know most people don't like traveling or spending an inordinate amount of time with their parents when you get older -- and I'm no different in most instances -- but this particular trip is an exception. We all go to one midwestern state and visit my brother and sister in law (and we always have a good time with them) before we head out to another midwestern state to spend a few more days with some wonderful cousins. My kiddo has already made lasting memories of her grandparents from the last trip and she'll make more on this one. My parents are in their mid- to late-60s and are my kiddo's only grandparents now since both my ex's parents are dead. Who knows how much longer we'll have my parents around? Spending time with them for both our sakes is important to me.
BFF's daughter has been worried about me, apparently. She said I didn't seem happy. She was right, I haven't been feeling that grand the last couple weeks. I'm feeling much better emotionally though than I was last week, even if physically things are still bothering me. My left calf is starting to tingle and hurt and go to sleep, I've gained enough weight to feel like a real slug, and my throat issues are starting to escalate again (though I'm not sure if it's actually escalating or if the stress is kicking it into high gear.) It's just another reason why going on this trip should be a good thing for me. Jeez, all it seems I'm doing is a constant stream of bitch, bitch, bitch.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I know something's wrong with me. It may not be something that will show itself for years yet but it's there. I hope I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac and that I'll be hale and hearty well into my 70s but I just dont see that happening. I'm already on more medication than my 100-yr old grandmother ever took in her life.
Someday I'll be more accepting of it. My mom tells me her 50's were much better than her 40's because she'd moved past a lot of the midlife changes and I'm inclined to believe her. If you really think about it, remember how much happened to you between 13-20? Your body was rapidly changing and your mind was doing the same. I really believe the so-called 'midlife crisis' is like that was, except now we're a lot less adaptable. Seriously! Less adaptable? You bet! Back then we didn't really understand what real difference was and we certainly didn't feel like we were losing ground. We were moving forward then, into adulthood. Now we're so used to being a certain way and having our bodies do what we need them to do and then life comes along and changes the game plan. You'd think we'd be smarter about it now since we should be able to see what the issues are, but instead of rolling with it or celebrating it? We try to fight it. We fight because we don't feel we're moving forward, we feel we're being forced to give away what we know about who we are. We feel like we're backpedaling or slipping into obscurity. No one wants that. It's a battle, dammit. Our major weapon? Denial.
Sheesh. As lazy as I am, as unambitious and accepting, you'd think I'd just go ahead and give in already! Surrender the field. I know I should. I know that if I did a lot of the stress and anger and melancholy would go with it since it's something that will happen no matter what I do. But somehow it feels that if I give up and let it get me.....I'll become truly old. Old means impending death. And death? I'm not religious. I don't believe there's anything out there after. It's truly an end. I. AM. DONE.
That's what the crux is. I can't seem to accept that. Not yet. So I keep fighting.....
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp))
I know most people don't like traveling or spending an inordinate amount of time with their parents when you get older -- and I'm no different in most instances -- but this particular trip is an exception. We all go to one midwestern state and visit my brother and sister in law (and we always have a good time with them) before we head out to another midwestern state to spend a few more days with some wonderful cousins. My kiddo has already made lasting memories of her grandparents from the last trip and she'll make more on this one. My parents are in their mid- to late-60s and are my kiddo's only grandparents now since both my ex's parents are dead. Who knows how much longer we'll have my parents around? Spending time with them for both our sakes is important to me.
BFF's daughter has been worried about me, apparently. She said I didn't seem happy. She was right, I haven't been feeling that grand the last couple weeks. I'm feeling much better emotionally though than I was last week, even if physically things are still bothering me. My left calf is starting to tingle and hurt and go to sleep, I've gained enough weight to feel like a real slug, and my throat issues are starting to escalate again (though I'm not sure if it's actually escalating or if the stress is kicking it into high gear.) It's just another reason why going on this trip should be a good thing for me. Jeez, all it seems I'm doing is a constant stream of bitch, bitch, bitch.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I know something's wrong with me. It may not be something that will show itself for years yet but it's there. I hope I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac and that I'll be hale and hearty well into my 70s but I just dont see that happening. I'm already on more medication than my 100-yr old grandmother ever took in her life.
Someday I'll be more accepting of it. My mom tells me her 50's were much better than her 40's because she'd moved past a lot of the midlife changes and I'm inclined to believe her. If you really think about it, remember how much happened to you between 13-20? Your body was rapidly changing and your mind was doing the same. I really believe the so-called 'midlife crisis' is like that was, except now we're a lot less adaptable. Seriously! Less adaptable? You bet! Back then we didn't really understand what real difference was and we certainly didn't feel like we were losing ground. We were moving forward then, into adulthood. Now we're so used to being a certain way and having our bodies do what we need them to do and then life comes along and changes the game plan. You'd think we'd be smarter about it now since we should be able to see what the issues are, but instead of rolling with it or celebrating it? We try to fight it. We fight because we don't feel we're moving forward, we feel we're being forced to give away what we know about who we are. We feel like we're backpedaling or slipping into obscurity. No one wants that. It's a battle, dammit. Our major weapon? Denial.
Sheesh. As lazy as I am, as unambitious and accepting, you'd think I'd just go ahead and give in already! Surrender the field. I know I should. I know that if I did a lot of the stress and anger and melancholy would go with it since it's something that will happen no matter what I do. But somehow it feels that if I give up and let it get me.....I'll become truly old. Old means impending death. And death? I'm not religious. I don't believe there's anything out there after. It's truly an end. I. AM. DONE.
That's what the crux is. I can't seem to accept that. Not yet. So I keep fighting.....
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp))
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Act Your Age, Mama, Not Your Shoe Size
This'll be a short little post this time around. It's late and I should be in bed. Instead I've been surfing the net looking at pictures of that gorgeous man, Ian Somerhalder. He plays Damon Salvatore on "The Vampire Diaries." Now if HE was a vampire in real life he could bite me anytime he liked.....
Er, as long as he gave me some notice. Maybe a few weeks or so. Why? So I could go get lipo and a tummy tuck. After all, I need to look GOOD if I'm going to be immortal!
Kiddo told me something amusing last weekend that I'm just now getting around to posting. She and her dad had been planning a pool get-together with their cousin for weeks. A few days before the scheduled get together, Yo finds out her sister is going to meet some guy that Yo's been wanting her to get together with. Yo decides she wants to be there with her sister and wants to stay home instead of go to the pool party thing.
Now if it'd been me I would have scooted the ex and the kiddo off to the pool party and stayed behind to make sure my sis hooked up with some guy if it had been that important to me. But not Yo! She wanted the ex and the kiddo to cancel their plans and stay home with her! Hah! The ex apparently tried to explain to her that this had all been planned for weeks and that it was rude to cancel at the last minute but Yo would hear none of it and -- according to the kiddo -- she stomped out of the house in a fit of temper and went to the park. Sheeeeeesh. I almost feel for the guy.
Almost.
Kiddo said the ex told her that she could go on by herself if she liked but she didn't. I think she really wanted to spend the time with her dad. So he caved. Dumbass. All that does is train her to act like a child if she wants to get her way. Ah well. We all make our beds, don't we?
((Song: "Kiss" by Prince. Lyrics here:
http://www.project80s.com/lyrics/song-lyrics.php?song=kiss-prince-revolution))
Er, as long as he gave me some notice. Maybe a few weeks or so. Why? So I could go get lipo and a tummy tuck. After all, I need to look GOOD if I'm going to be immortal!
Kiddo told me something amusing last weekend that I'm just now getting around to posting. She and her dad had been planning a pool get-together with their cousin for weeks. A few days before the scheduled get together, Yo finds out her sister is going to meet some guy that Yo's been wanting her to get together with. Yo decides she wants to be there with her sister and wants to stay home instead of go to the pool party thing.
Now if it'd been me I would have scooted the ex and the kiddo off to the pool party and stayed behind to make sure my sis hooked up with some guy if it had been that important to me. But not Yo! She wanted the ex and the kiddo to cancel their plans and stay home with her! Hah! The ex apparently tried to explain to her that this had all been planned for weeks and that it was rude to cancel at the last minute but Yo would hear none of it and -- according to the kiddo -- she stomped out of the house in a fit of temper and went to the park. Sheeeeeesh. I almost feel for the guy.
Almost.
Kiddo said the ex told her that she could go on by herself if she liked but she didn't. I think she really wanted to spend the time with her dad. So he caved. Dumbass. All that does is train her to act like a child if she wants to get her way. Ah well. We all make our beds, don't we?
((Song: "Kiss" by Prince. Lyrics here:
http://www.project80s.com/lyrics/song-lyrics.php?song=kiss-prince-revolution))
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