And I Thought, "Hello New Shoes!"

I am unlike a lot of women in that I only have less than a dozen pairs of shoes in my closet.

There are my black heels and my white heels, dressy and rarely used. My black flat sandals that tend to slide off my feet so they sit in the back of my shoe tree. I have two pairs of sneakers, one for the angel side of me and one for the devil -- one is a white pair of Keds and the other is a black and white Converse sneaker. Both pairs match all my jeans. There's a pair of camel-colored mules with black tire tread bottoms and a tan pair of Timberlands that squeak with each step. Oh, and a couple of pairs of all purpose suede pumps -- one brown, one black -- that can be dressy with slacks or be just this side of casual with denim. And for very casual, I have this great pair of Premier Italian suede sandals that resemble Birkenstocks. God, they're comfortable.

And last but certainly not least there are my pair of black zip-up ankle boots. They are my go-to shoe; my default when all else fails or I just don't feel like standing there all wishy-washy-ing. They go with absolutely everything and if I had to make the proverbial "on a desert island" choice, these would be what I'd take along.

Until now, I've been very happy with my shoes. All of these pairs have been with me a long time and have had plenty of time to mold to my feet and I like them that way. I know what outfits they all go with and I don't have to stand there in my closet and fret about what shoe to wear with what shirt. I don't have to try. Or think. Or wonder. I just knew.

So imagine my surprise when I realized just last night that I'd left a pair of shoes behind in the Exh's closet! It was the pair I'd grown used to the most. I'd done all the breaking in I'd needed to do with those. They fit me to a T.

Well, at least I thought they had....until I saw Yo wearing them. Apparently she's trying like hell to fit into my shoes.

You know what, though? Looking at those shoes on her feet, I realized something. And no, it wasn't bitterness that she was trying to borrow my shoes. It must be hard to try to fit into someone's else's shoes and walk in them in all the places they used to go with their previous owner. No, those old things have outlived their usefulness to me, so much so that I'd forgotten I even left them behind. I don't have to (much less want to) wear hand-me-downs from someone's else's life. I get the chance to break in another pair.

I'm looking forward to shopping for a new pair of shoes.

((Song: "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini. Lyrics here:
http://www.absolutelyrics.com/lyrics/view/paolo_nutini/new_shoes/))

Let's All Celebrate and Have A Good Time

Tonight I submitted my last assignment for school. I will find out by Wednesday if I passed, although my other grade in this segment of the course was an A so I would have had to fail miserably to get anything other than a passing grade. So for all intents and purposes, I have graduated. I've earned my paralegal certificate.

Now on to the resume building and the recruiters and the job searching and the interviewing. Oh joy. With any luck, I'll find a great job within a year and me and the roommate can go our separate ways and I can find a great place to call my own.

I've got a rum and coke in my hand and the stress has slipped off my shoulders. For the moment, life's looking and feeling pretty good.

((Song: "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang. Lyrics here:
http://www.oracleband.net/Lyrics/celebration.htm ))

All Those People, All Those Lives

Things are going better now. All my tests came back normal, even my thyroid. Well, borderline normal. I firmly believe that my thyroid has been spiking and when it does, it sends me into these crazy, shaky episodes. Whether or not my labwork shows me anything concrete, I know my own body and I know that I am symptomatic on occasion. I am pleased that I don't have any serious health issues -- my MRI looks fine as does my nerve conduction tests -- so I will be extra vigilant and pay extra attention to my symptoms when they occur. My doctor will retest me in 2 months and we'll go from there. In the meantime I'll do some research for natural ways to self-regulate. I'm also considering yoga classes. Getting some flexibility back and some meditative time sure sounds attractive about now. I have to admit I'm feeling better just knowing I can retain some control. Goodness, I'm Type A. Hah!

I've planned a family vacation for the end of July to visit my brother and his wife as well as a few more scattered family members. My parents and the kiddo and I are heading to the land of my birth; the Midwest. I have lived in Texas for 3/4ths of my life but the Midwest has always remained my "center" no matter how much family I establish here. My family lived in the Midwest since 1839 -- almost 160 years on the same piece of land. There is a marker from the state commemorating this fact on the front part of our property. My parents own part of that land and they intend to deed it to me in the next five years so that in case they should have unforeseen medical expenses and/or go to a nursing home, the state cannot take the land from them to pay debt. I don't know that I'll ever live there again -- there's virtually no job market and it's very agrarian -- but it is important to me. Each time I've ventured back (1982, 1995, 2001) I've felt this tug in my soul akin to a spiritual coming home and it shakes me to the core every time. I love that place. Who knows....I might build there when I retire.

Anyway, I'm an avid genealogist and have been for the last sixteen years; one of my points of pride has been the book I've written about my family. It was based on an ancestor of mine and his fifteen children. I traced the lineage of all fifteen so it took me eight years to complete and when all was said and done, it consisted of a little over 3000 people. This ancestor lived in the Northeast, then moved to the Midwest as well but in a different state than the one I was speaking of earlier. I never expected to see this area for myself because I had no real reason to go there.....until now. Why? Because by an odd twist of fate my world-traveling brother and his wife (they once lived in the foothills of the Himalayas) decided to settle in the Midwest. The two of them had not read my book and were not aware of the state our ancestor had once lived in, but by damned if they didn't go and buy a house 30 miles away from the county where he once lived! Isn't that incredible?

I'm excited as hell because now I get to traipse through courthouses and cemeteries and libraries full of old documents and pedigrees. I get to walk the land that he did. I get to see if I can locate graves of aunts and uncles and cousins. I will do all this with my daughter in tow and hopefully she too will grow to appreciate these tangible threads of family when she sees the excitement in my face. When she was younger she called them "Mom's Dead People." Yeah, they are. But they're all alive in us.

((Song: "Cemetary Gates" by the Smiths. Lyrics here:
http://www.davemcnally.com/lyrics/TheSmiths/CEMETERYGATES(239).asp ))

Venting....

Sick again. Sore throat and the beginning of congestion. I've got no more sick time because of the pneumonia I had in January and precious little vacation time because of the trial. And here it is only June.

I'm stressed to the max. I'm imagining things I never used to consider at all -- health issues, general obsessiveness. I feel on edge all the time. My sleeping patterns are strange; anyone who knows me knows I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat and stay asleep all night, but recently I've started waking many times during the night and tossing and turning. I don't get restful sleep, which I know is incredibly important.

So far I can't seem to get rid of all my worries completely, but I've definitely noticed that I can "talk" myself down. That's a start. I've got thyroid issues and I hope once they're addressed it'll be one more help to getting myself back on track. And two more weeks of school. Two more! Yay!

It occurred to me the other night that unlike all the other times in my life, I have no one to fall back on. If I get sick and don't have vacation time, I lose wages. If I get really sick, there is no one there to help me. I took on more debt to get another job so now I have more bills than I ever used to when I was single way back when. I am solely and utterly responsible for myself.

While on one level this exhilarates me, on another level, I am terrified. My safety net is gone. I never realized how fucking easy my life had been married to Exh and how much I'd taken for granted until I started worrying that a few days off work meant my bills wouldn't get paid. I cried last night, feeling frightened and alone, wishing I'd stayed married so I wouldn't have to worry. Behind all this bravado I'm just another scared little girl.

It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding

My roommate has a job now, finally, so I get an average of three hours alone every day after I get home from work. It's been fantastic! Of course when I finish with my own school and secure a "real" job I won't have that time, but then again, I'll be making plans to find a place by myself. I'll be a big girl!

There was this issue I haven't mentioned it in here yet because I wanted to make sure it was happening before I did? I mentioned it first in my post of 6 May and mentioned it a few times thereafter. Well, it seems like it's happening so I might as well just address it. Looks like Exh is going to ask Yo to marry him.

Yes, indeed. To marry him.

I can't begin to list the reasons why it's just an unwise decision at this juncture. Really, do I even have to?

When I first mentioned it here in early May the kiddo was having a difficult time adjusting to it. This was not because of Yo, since they get along well enough, but because of Yo's 3-yr old son. Kiddo's been an only child her whole life and seeing the amount of time her father had to spend on this boy was arousing her jealousy and insecurity. When she found out Kiddo posted a not-so-nice bulletin complete with expletives on her MySpace page, forgetting that Yo would also receive it as she was one of her Friends. (I'll admit to a secret giggle about that here, but to kiddo's face I made different noises, heh.)

In the last month Exh and I have had ample opportunity to discuss the changes. I've had a bit of time to sort through most of my own feelings about it and though they're not gone by any means, they've subsided a bit. All petty jealousies and insecurities aside, I do earnestly hope he finds in her what he didn't get from me, and that this is not the rebounding mistake it appears to be, and that he finds happiness. Everyone deserves that in their lives. More importantly, my kiddo's adjusted to it. She is very much like me in that we don't take to change easily. When confronted by any change in our routines our first instinct is to buck and resist, but when we have a while to think things through we usually come around to adjusting quite well.

I've done more than my share in helping to accomplish kiddo's adjustment. She's a very loyal person and I was aware she needed me to adjust first so she didn't fear that enjoying all that would come her way wouldn't be disloyal to me. It's been very hard for me to do that when inside I feel a host of conflicting emotions, but I've done it. I wanted to help her see that there's more benefit to be had from embracing others and letting them enrich your life than in being insular. I wanted to give her permission to enjoy benefits that could range from possibly having a half-sibling of her own as well as having Yo's son for a step-brother.

There was another incident that happened this week involving Yo's insecurities with me, but I'll leave that for another day. As it is, they probably will not marry for a year or so. He hasn't asked her yet but they've discussed it. He tells me he intends to ask her soon but also mentioned it would be a while before they actually marry because he told her to go ahead and sign a year's lease on an apartment a month ago. So a lot can happen between now and then.

In the meantime, my responsibility is to my kiddo. I'm not dividing my time between her and some guy and I don't need to consider anyone else's feelings but hers, so I'm in a good position to make sure she adjusts well to everything that happens around her.

Don't think I didn't make sure the exh knew that regardless of my feelings about his decision, I was going to present a supportive and encouraging face to kiddo. First off, I refuse to be one of those ex-spouses that denigrate the other or try to pit the children against the other to make themselves the favorite. And secondly, it gives me the high road and believe me, in our marriage, I didn't have it often so I'm sure enjoying walking it now!

I had my moments of satisfaction, though. Don't think for a minute I didn't remind him about all the years he'd spent insisting he'd never be one of those types to ignore the reality of a situation because he fell into the trap of thinking it was different for him and different from everyone else's experiences.

And I relished another, most enjoyable morsel: I made sure he knew that I knew that all that posturing was just holier than thou bullshit and that he could be a dumbass just like the rest of us.

God, that makes me feel good. Is that wrong? :D

((Song: "White Wedding" by Billy Idol. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4885 ))