Yo texted me this weekend and asked me out for lunch next weekend.
I kept telling myself I'd ask her but I just kept putting it off. There were all kinds of reasons why it was a good idea for me to do the asking -- be the mature person here, help the transition, make the effort to soothe some jealous edges -- and only one real reason why not to. I didn't want to, there was really nothing to say. But she asked, so I said all right.
Now I know she's trying to fit in because she doesn't feel like there's a place for her. She's looking for me to set her at ease. She wants to make nice. I know all this but really, deep down I never did bother to ask her for any alone time because I don't really have much to say to her. Other than the ex and the kiddo we've got little in common. She's a kid. I am curious, though. I wonder what I'll talk to her about once the 'safe' topic of kiddo is exhausted.
Guess we'll see, huh?
((Song: "Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch" by Weird Al Yankovic. Lyrics here:
http://www.com-www.com/weirdal/girlsjustwanttohavelunch.html ))
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
If You Try Sometimes, You Just Might Find You Get What You Need...
I've decided to take a more novel approach to a recurring problem that I've been having with my kiddo. The problem is school. She's uninterested and her grades have been slipping. Although some of it can be attributed to her father's wedding (her language teacher said she noticed a rather sharp downturn about three weeks ago and ex said that Yo's son is also acting out a bit at his preschool) I'm not very surprised at this turn of events. Kiddo usually starts out strong and begins to slide. School isn't a priority for her and unlike me, she's never equated good grades with her sense of self-worth...at least not enough to strive for top grades like I did. She just says she doesn't want to.
Barring a lengthy explanation, I've come to the conclusion that grounding her isn't really a long-term solution. While we've grounded her now and she'll stay grounded until she brings her grades up to acceptable levels, I've got this other idea to test.
I'm not really thrilled about it but it's worth a try, especially if one believes (and I do) that part of why my kiddo is so lackluster in the motivation department is because she modeled it after me. I was so driven as a child and young adult and somewhere along the way I stopped being so because I realized that any return I was seeing wasn't worth the effort. I simply downgraded my needs and wants until they matched what effort I was willing to make to realize them. I let my husband take care of me. I stated many times within kiddo's earshot that I was lazy and didn't much care, it was "who I am and I am okay with it."
I know I contributed. So time for me to step up to the plate.
Here's my idea. Since I can't expect her to just suddenly get the desire to buckle down and do the distasteful work just because she's grounded (let me rephrase that; I can expect it of her but it doesn't mean it'll happen) I need to lead with honey and not with vinegar. I've been talking the talk and she knows it. She thinks I'm giving her the vocal equivalent of "do what I say and not what I do." There's no real motivation there.
I need to get her motivated and make her actually want to study so I need to turn it into a situation that'll play on what does inspire her to act. I know she enjoys feeling like she knows more than other people do about some things. She likes a bit of competition. She likes being respected for her ability, and she likes adapting a mentoring stance.
So.....yeah. See, there's this one thing that I've put off forever because I hate doing it so much. I know I should do it but I've made every excuse under the sun for avoiding it. My favorite? "I don't want to." Sheesh. In this, I sound very like my kiddo.
What I'm referring to, of course, is....*shudder*......exercise. Gagggggghhhhhh.
Kiddo knows I feel this way about exercise. She's bugged me for a long time about it but I've blown her off. She's athletic and in JROTC and she's proud of her fitness levels. She feels superior to me for this and it amuses me. Anyway, I feel sure she'll see that if I'm going to voluntarily offer up exercise it's a serious matter indeed and that's exactly what I need her to think. I need her to see that I intend to do more than just talk, but walk the walk.
I see it going something like this: I have to do so much exercise a week, she has to do so much studying. I have to report in to her and I'll make sure to ask for 'tips' from her so she feels like she's mentoring me and making an investment in my success. In return she has to report in to me about her grades. I help her study. She helps me get fit. Ideally, we're each other's cheering section.
I want her to feel like I do when I see her get good grades. I want her sense of competitiveness to rise and I hope that when she gets a real taste of how good it feels to succeed I hope that she'll find it easier to make more of an effort. Maybe if she sees me giving effort to something I despise and becoming better and stronger and more proud of myself for it, maybe she'll be more willing to make the same kind of effort as well.
This might end up being a stupid idea. But the other ways haven't worked so far so when it's broken, you try to fix it, right?
((Song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. Lyrics here:
http://www.keno.org/stones_lyrics/you_cant_always_get_what_you_want.htm ))
Barring a lengthy explanation, I've come to the conclusion that grounding her isn't really a long-term solution. While we've grounded her now and she'll stay grounded until she brings her grades up to acceptable levels, I've got this other idea to test.
I'm not really thrilled about it but it's worth a try, especially if one believes (and I do) that part of why my kiddo is so lackluster in the motivation department is because she modeled it after me. I was so driven as a child and young adult and somewhere along the way I stopped being so because I realized that any return I was seeing wasn't worth the effort. I simply downgraded my needs and wants until they matched what effort I was willing to make to realize them. I let my husband take care of me. I stated many times within kiddo's earshot that I was lazy and didn't much care, it was "who I am and I am okay with it."
I know I contributed. So time for me to step up to the plate.
Here's my idea. Since I can't expect her to just suddenly get the desire to buckle down and do the distasteful work just because she's grounded (let me rephrase that; I can expect it of her but it doesn't mean it'll happen) I need to lead with honey and not with vinegar. I've been talking the talk and she knows it. She thinks I'm giving her the vocal equivalent of "do what I say and not what I do." There's no real motivation there.
I need to get her motivated and make her actually want to study so I need to turn it into a situation that'll play on what does inspire her to act. I know she enjoys feeling like she knows more than other people do about some things. She likes a bit of competition. She likes being respected for her ability, and she likes adapting a mentoring stance.
So.....yeah. See, there's this one thing that I've put off forever because I hate doing it so much. I know I should do it but I've made every excuse under the sun for avoiding it. My favorite? "I don't want to." Sheesh. In this, I sound very like my kiddo.
What I'm referring to, of course, is....*shudder*......exercise. Gagggggghhhhhh.
Kiddo knows I feel this way about exercise. She's bugged me for a long time about it but I've blown her off. She's athletic and in JROTC and she's proud of her fitness levels. She feels superior to me for this and it amuses me. Anyway, I feel sure she'll see that if I'm going to voluntarily offer up exercise it's a serious matter indeed and that's exactly what I need her to think. I need her to see that I intend to do more than just talk, but walk the walk.
I see it going something like this: I have to do so much exercise a week, she has to do so much studying. I have to report in to her and I'll make sure to ask for 'tips' from her so she feels like she's mentoring me and making an investment in my success. In return she has to report in to me about her grades. I help her study. She helps me get fit. Ideally, we're each other's cheering section.
I want her to feel like I do when I see her get good grades. I want her sense of competitiveness to rise and I hope that when she gets a real taste of how good it feels to succeed I hope that she'll find it easier to make more of an effort. Maybe if she sees me giving effort to something I despise and becoming better and stronger and more proud of myself for it, maybe she'll be more willing to make the same kind of effort as well.
This might end up being a stupid idea. But the other ways haven't worked so far so when it's broken, you try to fix it, right?
((Song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones. Lyrics here:
http://www.keno.org/stones_lyrics/you_cant_always_get_what_you_want.htm ))
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Hail To The Chief, Who In Triumph Advances....
The historical election is finally over, and thank goodness! I swore to myself that if I had to sit through another political ad I was going to commit violent atrocities upon myself or others. Some simper, some plead, some accuse, some persuade, some uplift, some tear down. Doesn't really matter to me. All are variations on the same theme. It all comes down to a simple fact -- whether they attempt to use vinegar or honey, they are all trying to attract the same flies.
The whole thing kinda makes my stomach turn.
I don't vote. Can you tell? I'm an apathist. If you push me into a corner I lean toward Libertarian but on the whole I really don't care. Four years is a drop in the bucket. The congress and the senate play heavy roles and the president isn't the law unto himself that a lot of people seem to think he is, though he does get to play the unenviable role of scapegoat when things don't go well. He's like an assistant principal.....he has to be the bad guy out there representin' regardless of what actually happens behind the scenes. Doom- and gloomsayers aside, I don't think our country will go to hell in a handbasket in four years and I don't think (except in rare cases) that a president molds the times as much as the times mold the president.
They'll be a lot of commentary from people about the election and their thoughts on the winner. Obama this, Obama that. Color barrier. Man of change. Whatever. The man won the same way every man before him has won -- mostly on popularity since it's like a high school class president election but with bigger budgets -- and he deserves the same sort of chance that anyone else does. He doesn't have experience? True. He doesn't. But then again, how can I sit in judgement of him? I don't have experience in half of what I do either and that doesn't automatically dictate that I don't have the talent or desire or the plain old ability to do the job regardless of my so-called experience. Convicting him before he's had a chance to step to the plate is very short-sighted and borders on the hypocritical. I can't expect one set of rules to apply to me and another to him so I'm more than willing to see what kind of performance he'll provide before I start spitting vitriol. I would hope others feel the same.
I just hope and pray that some wacko nutjob white supremacist doesn't assassinate him. Besides throwing us back 100 years, that will be bad. Really bad. Lock the front door and wait for things to settle down bad. Please, oh pasty white nutjobs, for the love of all that's holy.....stay locked up in your trailers or bunkers or basements or cellars or wherever the hell you choose to gather. I can't stand the idea that I share a skin color with you and get lumped into the same pile of mashed taters.
And California voted down gay marriage. I won't even go into what I feel about that.
Anyway, the real test will not be the fact that Obama made it into the White House. That part -- though it might not have seemed like it -- was easy. Although there are many people in this country who wish nothing more than the status quo, there are a great many others for whom Obama represents a path we've never taken. I liken it to our tradition of manifest destiny; we feel we have the god-given right to take what we want and we want the prospect of change or the appearance of novelty and progressiveness. It fuels our collective spirits. No, the real test will be whether Obama makes it in again in four years. If there's another thing we Americans tend to do, we fall easily into a sense of ennui. Once we've sampled something we're eager to be on to the next thing. Buy a new car and after a few years we start to notice the strange pings and the missewn upholstery. Soon we're bitching about how the paint is chipping or it doesn't drive like it used to and we're eyeing that new model on the showroom floor.
In four years, Obama will be less the "wowee-gee ain't this new and historic" candidate and more the incumbent president who has either performed well or performed badly. At that time his merits -- or lack thereof -- might have a better chance of obfuscating his color. That will be the true test. This is what I'm very curious about. Will we give Obama a get out of jail free card in four years because he's black? Will we excuse his missteps and praise every little victory because he's black? Will he begin to feel like his abilities are being forgotten in the wake of the swelling tide that is his color and begin to feel like the unspoken end to everyone's sentences are the words "....for a black man?" Or will we crucify his every move and find fault where there is none just to prove that the amorphous 'theys' of the country elected a man because he wasn't a WASP?
Time will tell. I wish the poor man luck. He's gonna need it.
((Song: "Hail To The Chief." Music by James Sanderson, words by Sir Walter Scott. Lyrics here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hail_to_the_Chief ))
The whole thing kinda makes my stomach turn.
I don't vote. Can you tell? I'm an apathist. If you push me into a corner I lean toward Libertarian but on the whole I really don't care. Four years is a drop in the bucket. The congress and the senate play heavy roles and the president isn't the law unto himself that a lot of people seem to think he is, though he does get to play the unenviable role of scapegoat when things don't go well. He's like an assistant principal.....he has to be the bad guy out there representin' regardless of what actually happens behind the scenes. Doom- and gloomsayers aside, I don't think our country will go to hell in a handbasket in four years and I don't think (except in rare cases) that a president molds the times as much as the times mold the president.
They'll be a lot of commentary from people about the election and their thoughts on the winner. Obama this, Obama that. Color barrier. Man of change. Whatever. The man won the same way every man before him has won -- mostly on popularity since it's like a high school class president election but with bigger budgets -- and he deserves the same sort of chance that anyone else does. He doesn't have experience? True. He doesn't. But then again, how can I sit in judgement of him? I don't have experience in half of what I do either and that doesn't automatically dictate that I don't have the talent or desire or the plain old ability to do the job regardless of my so-called experience. Convicting him before he's had a chance to step to the plate is very short-sighted and borders on the hypocritical. I can't expect one set of rules to apply to me and another to him so I'm more than willing to see what kind of performance he'll provide before I start spitting vitriol. I would hope others feel the same.
I just hope and pray that some wacko nutjob white supremacist doesn't assassinate him. Besides throwing us back 100 years, that will be bad. Really bad. Lock the front door and wait for things to settle down bad. Please, oh pasty white nutjobs, for the love of all that's holy.....stay locked up in your trailers or bunkers or basements or cellars or wherever the hell you choose to gather. I can't stand the idea that I share a skin color with you and get lumped into the same pile of mashed taters.
And California voted down gay marriage. I won't even go into what I feel about that.
Anyway, the real test will not be the fact that Obama made it into the White House. That part -- though it might not have seemed like it -- was easy. Although there are many people in this country who wish nothing more than the status quo, there are a great many others for whom Obama represents a path we've never taken. I liken it to our tradition of manifest destiny; we feel we have the god-given right to take what we want and we want the prospect of change or the appearance of novelty and progressiveness. It fuels our collective spirits. No, the real test will be whether Obama makes it in again in four years. If there's another thing we Americans tend to do, we fall easily into a sense of ennui. Once we've sampled something we're eager to be on to the next thing. Buy a new car and after a few years we start to notice the strange pings and the missewn upholstery. Soon we're bitching about how the paint is chipping or it doesn't drive like it used to and we're eyeing that new model on the showroom floor.
In four years, Obama will be less the "wowee-gee ain't this new and historic" candidate and more the incumbent president who has either performed well or performed badly. At that time his merits -- or lack thereof -- might have a better chance of obfuscating his color. That will be the true test. This is what I'm very curious about. Will we give Obama a get out of jail free card in four years because he's black? Will we excuse his missteps and praise every little victory because he's black? Will he begin to feel like his abilities are being forgotten in the wake of the swelling tide that is his color and begin to feel like the unspoken end to everyone's sentences are the words "....for a black man?" Or will we crucify his every move and find fault where there is none just to prove that the amorphous 'theys' of the country elected a man because he wasn't a WASP?
Time will tell. I wish the poor man luck. He's gonna need it.
((Song: "Hail To The Chief." Music by James Sanderson, words by Sir Walter Scott. Lyrics here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hail_to_the_Chief ))
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Who Started Out So Young And Strong Only To Surrender...
Lately I've felt like giving up. I haven't been filling out job applications and instead I park my ass in front of the TV and stare at it until the day turns into night and its time for bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I think about picking up a book but when I do I fall asleep, or get bored, or I think I don't have time to plow through 500 pages.
The frustration I feel is palpable. I want out of my apartment. I want to live by myself and not with a roommate at my age. I want a job that isn't something someone right out of high school can do. I earned a certification in order to change this but I'm learning that since I don't have any experience in the legal field no one will look twice at me.
This frustration and hopelessness paralyzes me. I know that the only way to change it is to....well....change it, because it sure won't change itself. Perhaps I'm just easily discouraged. Perhaps. But I've wondered if I'm not simply falling a bit deeper into what Kübler-Ross says is the fourth state of grief, depression. It seems like I've been here before so who knows, maybe I'm cycling back and forth between anger and acceptance and depression. I'll sure be glad when there's more of the one thing I can't change -- time. The passage of time will help.
Part of me longs for what Springsteen called the "Glory Days." If someone walked up and gave me the choice I wouldn't go back, but still....
When you're young or naive or just feeling full of potential and possibility, experiences are shiny and fresh. Unminted and unexplored. Nearly everything felt incredible or unique. Spending time with friends and bonding over long nights of passionate discussion, or non-stop wisecracks limned with liquor. Hearing them tell their stories for the first time and sharing your own. Discovering other people; discovering yourself in the process. Asking those who, what, where, when and why questions and not despairing if the answers weren't set in stone because you knew you didn't really know the answers anyway...they were only right at that moment and they'd change week to week anyway. Nothing felt immutable or hopeless yet.
That was heady stuff, that was. But like anything else it changes.
Years pass. You know yourself better. You're familiar enough with yourself that you know how you'll react to a lot of things before you even do them. The experiences that enriched you and led you on that voyage of self-discovery seem more like peanut butter and jelly rather than filet mignon. They become commonplace, the stuff of everyday instead of the unusual. You want to feel that same jet-fueled rush of connection that you used to but your senses betray you by dulling the essence of it all. You find yourself telling the same old stories and you listen to your friends tell their same old stories and it doesn't feel comforting any longer, it feels stifling. This disappoints you. You don't like that it does and you try to ignore that it does and you try to enjoy it like you did before. You want to enjoy it like you did before! But you don't as often; it comes only rarely.
Some fight this....this atrophy....by pushing the envelope more and more. Risking. Gathering new experiences. And others would say that if you vary the scenery -- get new friends or new surroundings -- that you can have that glittery newness back again. But I know that moving or swapping friends isn't a permanent solution and I am certainly not a risk taker. Instead, I'm a mourner. I mourn the loss of excitement. I mourn the idea that I have to exchange the people I care about for new models just so I can feel any freshness about life. And above all, I mourn the fact that I am the type of person that simply cannot remember that familiarity does not necessarily breed contempt.
So I don't know if it's apathy or just exhaustion. Which reminds me of another lyric -- "life goes on long after the thrill of livin' is gone." It's hard for me to get excited any more about life lately. There's a quote from some song about that, but it's not coming to me at the moment though it feels right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, wait! -- it's David Bowie's 'Changes' -- "and it seemed the taste was not so sweet."
I hope this means that when I finally get a taste of sweet, it'll be all that much sweeter?
((Song: "The Pretender" by Jackson Browne. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/jackson-browne/the-pretender.html ))
The frustration I feel is palpable. I want out of my apartment. I want to live by myself and not with a roommate at my age. I want a job that isn't something someone right out of high school can do. I earned a certification in order to change this but I'm learning that since I don't have any experience in the legal field no one will look twice at me.
This frustration and hopelessness paralyzes me. I know that the only way to change it is to....well....change it, because it sure won't change itself. Perhaps I'm just easily discouraged. Perhaps. But I've wondered if I'm not simply falling a bit deeper into what Kübler-Ross says is the fourth state of grief, depression. It seems like I've been here before so who knows, maybe I'm cycling back and forth between anger and acceptance and depression. I'll sure be glad when there's more of the one thing I can't change -- time. The passage of time will help.
Part of me longs for what Springsteen called the "Glory Days." If someone walked up and gave me the choice I wouldn't go back, but still....
When you're young or naive or just feeling full of potential and possibility, experiences are shiny and fresh. Unminted and unexplored. Nearly everything felt incredible or unique. Spending time with friends and bonding over long nights of passionate discussion, or non-stop wisecracks limned with liquor. Hearing them tell their stories for the first time and sharing your own. Discovering other people; discovering yourself in the process. Asking those who, what, where, when and why questions and not despairing if the answers weren't set in stone because you knew you didn't really know the answers anyway...they were only right at that moment and they'd change week to week anyway. Nothing felt immutable or hopeless yet.
That was heady stuff, that was. But like anything else it changes.
Years pass. You know yourself better. You're familiar enough with yourself that you know how you'll react to a lot of things before you even do them. The experiences that enriched you and led you on that voyage of self-discovery seem more like peanut butter and jelly rather than filet mignon. They become commonplace, the stuff of everyday instead of the unusual. You want to feel that same jet-fueled rush of connection that you used to but your senses betray you by dulling the essence of it all. You find yourself telling the same old stories and you listen to your friends tell their same old stories and it doesn't feel comforting any longer, it feels stifling. This disappoints you. You don't like that it does and you try to ignore that it does and you try to enjoy it like you did before. You want to enjoy it like you did before! But you don't as often; it comes only rarely.
Some fight this....this atrophy....by pushing the envelope more and more. Risking. Gathering new experiences. And others would say that if you vary the scenery -- get new friends or new surroundings -- that you can have that glittery newness back again. But I know that moving or swapping friends isn't a permanent solution and I am certainly not a risk taker. Instead, I'm a mourner. I mourn the loss of excitement. I mourn the idea that I have to exchange the people I care about for new models just so I can feel any freshness about life. And above all, I mourn the fact that I am the type of person that simply cannot remember that familiarity does not necessarily breed contempt.
So I don't know if it's apathy or just exhaustion. Which reminds me of another lyric -- "life goes on long after the thrill of livin' is gone." It's hard for me to get excited any more about life lately. There's a quote from some song about that, but it's not coming to me at the moment though it feels right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, wait! -- it's David Bowie's 'Changes' -- "and it seemed the taste was not so sweet."
I hope this means that when I finally get a taste of sweet, it'll be all that much sweeter?
((Song: "The Pretender" by Jackson Browne. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/jackson-browne/the-pretender.html ))
Monday, October 20, 2008
You Tried Your Best But You Were Only Being You
I've always believed my ex was a bit more emotionally developed than many men, but now I've begun to wonder how much of this development was his own and how much was dependent upon my feeding him the proper signals.
Some months ago the ex and I had a heated phone conversation about his impending nuptials and how fast he'd moved with Yo, and some of my behavior during that call was something I wasn't proud of. I ended up revealing more of my hurt feelings and regrets than I cared to and after it was over and we'd apologized to each other I resolved that I wouldn't let myself lose it like that again. I have my pride.
Since then I've kept that internal promise though it's been much harder recently. Their marriage has stirred up that sleeping giant. Screw friendly; civil is about all I've been able to muster up. One would think that ex knows me well enough to see through my facade but he gave me some cause to wonder last night when he invited me to a dinner at his next-door neighbor's house. This next-door neighbor had many dinners over at his place with me and the ex, and now he wants me to go over there and share dinner with the old neighbor and the new wife? Can you say awkward?
And oh yes, there was the great moment when her boy called my ex "Daddy!"
Maybe later on I'll be able to share a dinner over there but right now I'm too raw and I don't think he gets that because unlike me, he's got distractions and this new family to help him funnel away or cover over any underlying emotions. My reactions to his marriage probably won't make much sense to him -- after all, I was the one that left! I was the one that didn't try to save anything or didn't want to! I was the one that wanted him to find a happier relationship! -- all of that is true in and of itself. But as in anything involving the heart, there's much more to it. I just don't want to have to explain all of it to him.
So I refused dinner. I don't think I could have said no any faster without being rude. I might have skated along the other side of rude even though I tried not to. I left soon thereafter and when he reached around to hug me I pulled away ever so slightly and he just ended up patting my back. I said a quick goodbye and made my escape.
The only way I can continue to do this is to distance myself from the lot of them. I didn't have to before he got married but I do now. I don't like crying myself to sleep at night and I can't let it get to me like that for too much longer. The only way I can keep that from happening is to pull away. The more I cling to the what was, the less I am able to deal with the what it is now, and I have to do that for my own well-being.
I'm sure he'll notice the distance eventually. Maybe he'll even understand it. Hopefully he'll understand it without being told and that for right now and for some time from now, sacrificing the closeness we had is the price that's got to be paid. We can talk about our kiddo. Time will do the rest.
((Song: "Runaground" by James. Lyrics here:
http://www.cmt.com/lyrics/james/runaground/1382514/lyrics.jhtml ))
Some months ago the ex and I had a heated phone conversation about his impending nuptials and how fast he'd moved with Yo, and some of my behavior during that call was something I wasn't proud of. I ended up revealing more of my hurt feelings and regrets than I cared to and after it was over and we'd apologized to each other I resolved that I wouldn't let myself lose it like that again. I have my pride.
Since then I've kept that internal promise though it's been much harder recently. Their marriage has stirred up that sleeping giant. Screw friendly; civil is about all I've been able to muster up. One would think that ex knows me well enough to see through my facade but he gave me some cause to wonder last night when he invited me to a dinner at his next-door neighbor's house. This next-door neighbor had many dinners over at his place with me and the ex, and now he wants me to go over there and share dinner with the old neighbor and the new wife? Can you say awkward?
And oh yes, there was the great moment when her boy called my ex "Daddy!"
Maybe later on I'll be able to share a dinner over there but right now I'm too raw and I don't think he gets that because unlike me, he's got distractions and this new family to help him funnel away or cover over any underlying emotions. My reactions to his marriage probably won't make much sense to him -- after all, I was the one that left! I was the one that didn't try to save anything or didn't want to! I was the one that wanted him to find a happier relationship! -- all of that is true in and of itself. But as in anything involving the heart, there's much more to it. I just don't want to have to explain all of it to him.
So I refused dinner. I don't think I could have said no any faster without being rude. I might have skated along the other side of rude even though I tried not to. I left soon thereafter and when he reached around to hug me I pulled away ever so slightly and he just ended up patting my back. I said a quick goodbye and made my escape.
The only way I can continue to do this is to distance myself from the lot of them. I didn't have to before he got married but I do now. I don't like crying myself to sleep at night and I can't let it get to me like that for too much longer. The only way I can keep that from happening is to pull away. The more I cling to the what was, the less I am able to deal with the what it is now, and I have to do that for my own well-being.
I'm sure he'll notice the distance eventually. Maybe he'll even understand it. Hopefully he'll understand it without being told and that for right now and for some time from now, sacrificing the closeness we had is the price that's got to be paid. We can talk about our kiddo. Time will do the rest.
((Song: "Runaground" by James. Lyrics here:
http://www.cmt.com/lyrics/james/runaground/1382514/lyrics.jhtml ))
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