Must Have Used The Wrong Line

Filed in the "just when you think you've seen everything" file....

I have an imaginary point system when it comes to men and I'd wager most women (and men!) do too. Like most people, I have automatic deductions and additions that I apply. Do you smoke? Sorry, no. Are you really listening to me? Score! Look like you haven't bathed in a while? Bzzzzzz, move along. Are you into me without being disrespectful or lewd? Dingdingding! Wear your jeans too tight and under your gut and your hair too 'business in the front and party in the back'? See ya!

Some of my rules are obvious ones and others deeply personal. I don't have a lot of rules, but the ones that I do have are hard and fast. Otherwise, I think I'm pretty fair. I start a man out at the base point of zero, and then I let the chips fall where they may. It usually doesn't take long for the guy to provide me with reasons to add or subtract. Experience has taught me that it's generally a pretty good system.

My good friend Harl's mother passed away this past weekend. I took off work for a few hours this afternoon to attend her memorial service. After the service we all went to the church's dining room to eat lunch and I was seated across from Harl and her husband.

Soon a man with curly, probably dyed surfer-blond hair and who looked to be in his mid-50's sat down in the chair to my left. He took one obvious and appraising look at me and said, "Who are you?"

Before I had the chance to respond to what I hadn't decided was either a direct or a downright rude inquiry, Harl's husband told him that I was Harl's friend from high school. He then introduced the man to me as Harl's uncle, her mother's brother. Ahhhh. I dismissed the rudeness/directness issue immediately, taking into account that the service had been rough on all Harl's family members. I introduced myself by name and he responded in kind. I gave my condolences and we made small talk while we settled down to eat.

Imagine my surprise when not even a minute had passed before I had to whip out my internal slide rule.

Let's see......he tried to impress me with his Harley (-5), he placed his phone down on the table between us and let me know I needed to call my number on it (-5), and he told me to walk slower the next time I went back to the buffet so he could enjoy the view (-10). All those, while horrible attempts at pickup lines, were at least amusing so I comped him (+5). But oh, he wasn't done. Ten minutes into his sell he asked my name again (-5.) And finally, he capped it off by telling me he wasn't into relationships (which actually upped him +5!) but he lost those points in nothing flat by saying it was because he preferred to love 'em and leave 'em.

I had to respond to that last comment. "Not really selling yourself here," I told him dryly. That made Harl laugh out loud. He tried to explain it away by saying he'd given me a bonus because instead of finding out he was an ass after he kissed up to me for months, he was being honest and making me aware that he was an ass upfront. I had to score him a few points for a quick recovery (+5) but it still didn't make up for the whole impending ass-ness possibility (-20.)

All in all, he didn't do well at all, checking in at -35. Even at that score he was in my Oh-Hell-No category. But trying to pick up a chick at his sister's memorial service?

Insta-FAIL!

((Song: "Right Place Wrong Time" by Dr. John. Lyrics here:
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/sahara/rightplacewrongtime.htm))

Way Back In The Hills....

Listening to bluegrass makes me feel like a child again; it stirs up a deep sense of nostalgia that other genres of music don't manage to do for me on a consistent basis. Disco makes me feel like dancing, the blues bring me down, jazz makes me feel mellow or cool, and rock? Rock is harder for me to narrow down because it inspires many different feelings in me depending on the lyrics and tone of the song. But bluegrass is easy to define.

If you knew me, you wouldn't peg me for a bluegrass fan. As a general rule my preference in music, whatever the genre, is lyrics-based. I listen primarily to the words first and consider songs as poems set to music. I'm not a fan of the hick mentality, and I certainly don't cotton to Christian music. Bluegrass is at its heart everything that I don't like and yet, it calls to me. The ex used to tease me about it because it was so incongruous to my ethos. Much bluegrass music is at the very least gospel-tinged if not seriously religious. I know that, but I can't explain it -- when I listen to bluegrass the religious aspects of the genre don't make much of an impression on me. I don't even really hear it because it feels so 'right' springing from this 'from the dirt' style of music. Something about the banjos, the mandolins, the picking of the guitars and the harmony of voices blending lend themselves to singing about the divine anyway. It's rugged and markedly individualistic even as it conjures up friends and family, love, and a place to hang your hat. It's a basic form of song from the heart and soul. Uplifting even when it's sad or lonely. It makes me sit and tap my toes and smile. It makes me ache for the Midwest of my youth and the times I sang along with my dad when he played his guitar. It makes me remember.

I'm not a fan of today's alt-country at all but I enjoy much of the old steel guitar stuff. Whatever the genre I like authenticity and for me, when it comes to country it doesn't feel authentic if it's borrowing from other genres. If you're going to be country, be country. Embrace it, invest in it, play it like it comes off the back of a hay wagon with three or four boys picking guitars and fiddling. Country has lost much of that, dipping its toes in the blues and slowing it down or diving into the rock waters and speeding it up. In bluegrass, that back in the hills feeling remains.

I don't think I've ever featured a song on my blog but there's a first time for everything. I should probably do it more often. I don't have the lyrics for this one so you'll just have to listen to it right here. It's Paul and Pap Wilson singing "Way Back In The Hills," a song written by Bob Amos and performed originally by Front Range. Enjoy!