Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Games People Play

I've had a couple of my friends, as well as stbx a few weeks back, ask when I'm going to get back into the dating game.

I suppose the question is warranted. After all, stbx originally thought I was leaving him because I wanted new blood, fresh meat. He thought it was because I was bored with him and needed a new man. I know he realizes now that was not the case, but it was what he thought.

I gave myself a year and I told him so when I left. I still mean it now. It's not even been six months since I left the house I shared with my family. My eyes brim with tears when I think about that and that emotional reaction tells me I am so not ready to date. I'm not in the right mental frame of mind. I still feel like the place where I am, is not home.

Besides, I'm 40. I'm getting older. I'm not an unattractive woman but I haven't ever been the type of woman men walk up to and ask out. Matter of fact, that's never happened to me at all. Ever. But even that is not insurmountable. What is worse is that statistically, the odds are not in my favor. At this stage of the game, men have the edge.

Dating -- or more accurately mating -- is like a pendulum.

Women in their 20's have the largest pool of men to pull from. Guys their own age, guys in their 30's, even their 40's. Hell, they could date a 60-yr old if they wanted to! I don't even need to explain the why of this.

But the pendulum swings when you're my age and heads toward the male side of the spectrum.
For a 20-yr old man, his pool of women includes women his own age and might include the 30-something woman but with some exceptions, that's about the extent of it. But by the time he's in his 40s and 50s his pool of available women has expanded from their 20s through well into their 60s!

So the moral of my story? When you get to be a woman my age, your dating pool becomes less of an Olympic-sized swimming pool and more of a wading pool. Is it any wonder why I don't care to date? Guess I'm just not feeling all that competitive lately.


((Song: "Games People Play" by the Alan Parsons Project. Lyrics here:
http://www.theavenueonline.info/site3/lyrics/gameplay.htm ))

Monday, October 29, 2007

I Am At Peace, I Know What It Is That I Must Do

I spent the weekend with my kiddo and threw a Halloween party for her and her friends as well as a few of mine. I cooked like a madwoman -- made brain dip, severed intestines, black spider spaghetti and finger cookies and kitty litter cake for dessert. It was a lot of fun but next year the menu will be streamlined so I won't be so tired that I can't really enjoy the party.

I was taking the kiddo back home to her dad's house last night when I finally saw Yo from a distance -- she was driving away from stbx's house just as the kiddo and I were pulling around the corner. She was facing me and waved to the kiddo and the kiddo waved back at her. She's a mousy little thing. Ha! I wonder what she thought of me.

I went inside, stbx offered me some tea and we began to talk. We talked about any number of subjects but eventually got around to Yo. We talked a bit about her but stbx let me know that I happened to be quite the subject of conversations between them. He told her that I was his dearest friend and she said that it bothered her a little that should the two of them have problems, that he would come to me to discuss them. He pointed out that she had a male friend that she talks to now that she used to be in a relationship with and how was that any different?

I smiled and silently marveled at how stupid boys are. Of course it's different! Yo and her ex boyfriend weren't married for 17 years or shared a life and a child. He might try to assure her that his relationship with me and his relationship with her are in different little boxes, but they aren't. She's aware that there are three people in her burgeoning relationship every bit as much as I knew, 20 years ago, that my first lover's wife was in our relationship. Yo knows how deep my reach goes even if stbx doesn't.

Funny thing. My experience back then is giving me what I need now to understand what's going on here in ways that given Yo's age, she just can't know. I ended up leaving my first lover because I knew deep down he wasn't ready for me. I wonder if she'll figure that out in time too.

Anyway, I asked stbx a question. It was the sort of question that I knew would cut that last umbilical cord between us and once and for all define whether we could ever rebuild our relationship as a couple. I asked it because I've had some difficulties letting go recently, thinking that there might be some way to salvage the "us" that's been a part of my life for so long. Having these fantasies has really been making me feel depressed. I didn't want to leave it and wonder about the what-if's. I had to know for sure.

So I asked him if he would be able to consider a poly/open sort of lifestyle. For a while now I'd had this scenario rolling around in the back of my head about how we could find another way to be together, one in which I wouldn't have to sacrifice him or all the many deep and meaningful layers of our years together. So I presented it to him: keep Yo around, I'd accept her, we'd establish new ground rules. His answer -- which was no, he was a one-woman man -- told me everything I'd needed to hear. I don't know if this makes any sense, but though my internal dialouge had already supplied me with the answer he gave me, I needed to ask it and hear his response to it. Out loud. He needed to give my instinct that external validation.

I felt a real sense of peace when I walked out his door.


((Song: "We Know Where You Sleep" by the Paper Chase. ))

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

And A Time For Every Purpose

Inspired by a blog entry I read over at Under the Palms (see sidebar):

I was reading Under The Palm's latest blog today and in it she speaks about reconnecting. That subject has been resonating with me recently as well so I guess I'll just put our similar mental wavelengths down to synchronicity.

And oh before I go any further, check out http://www.x365.org/. I want to do that soon. I don't think I'll post it here as it has real names and such attached but I'd like to do it for my own benefit.

Anyway.

I've been struggling lately. First off, October is a hard month for me. So many memories are attached to this month and it's hard to shake those.

Since beginning these steps toward my new life I've been thinking a lot about the people that I have in my old one and where they're going to fit or if they even still do. They haven't changed, but I am in the process of doing so. I sit and think sometimes about what my life will look like on the other side when I've finished figuring all this out.

I've been struggling for a few hours now, editing and re-editing this piece and trying so hard to catch just the right essence of what I'm trying to say. But I'm tired and cranky and it's late and I'm done trying to be eloquent. I'll just say it as best as I'm able.

The people I call friends will surely have their patiences tried in the next year or so with me. I swing wildly from needing them around me to pushing them away. I go from relishing their presences and being comforted in the knowledge that they know me, know what I'm experiencing, and will excuse me, to wanting them all to just be different people and stop pretending like it is twenty years ago. God, we are all heavy under the weight of all the years. We can't go back and undo any of it, make it different, make us different.

And then I think, it is not them. It is me. I am the one that feels all this weight. It is my burden that blurs my sight. I am the one that wishes she were someone else.

I thought my depression had lifted after liberating myself. But now I question that. I expected to be alone, and to be lonely, but I didn't expect all the things that I enjoyed when I was married to be so incredibly boring and empty when I wasn't. The irony is staggering. I can do all the things I desperately wanted to do and now that I can, I find them stultifyingly boring. I am wondering about this simple truth: how much of what I wanted to do, what gave me joy and made me feel in control when I was married, was there just because I couldn't do any of it?

I've spoken a bit to BiB. You'd think it would mean something but I don't think it does; it might just be polite noises and empty words. But it feeds us both somehow. I don't think he's immune to it any more than I am. I learned over the weekend that he was hurt too and that his memory of it has spanned the last few years. Damn it all, if I knew the magic formula to reconnect with him! I wonder how much I would sell or give to know it. There is no other frustration quite so agonizing as that which is borne out of futility.

I tell myself that there is a time and a place for all things. I can't tell myself anything different and still be able to make sense of it.

I continue speaking to Grey. He's called me at least twice a week for the last month or so and it's been lovely. The reconnection I yearn for from BiB, I am reaping in spades with Grey. I was typing this and wondering why I hadn't heard from him and then happened to look at my phone and then there it was -- a missed call with his name attached, from when I had grabbed a quick shower. It made me smile.

I try to keep perspective. I know that this apathy will pass. I know that I told myself months ago that I should keep my head no matter what path my heart wants to take. But damn, the path I'm on seems so empty and cold and meaningless.


((Song: "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds. Lyrics here:
http://www.bluesforpeace.com/lyrics/turn-turn-turn.htm ))

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Okay My Reasoning Might Be Clouded By The Sun

We all have these internal dialogues going on in our heads, about everything, not just body image or whatever. Mine's defeatist. Mine whispers, "you've gained some of the weight back you lost last year though you told yourself you wouldn't. You can say you'll do something about it but you don't. You know you won't. You know you'll say it but never do it, so why bother?"

This sort of thing makes me feel helpless.....adrift. I find myself slipping into lassitude no matter how many times I've conquered things in my life that I need to, how many times I've stood up and done the hard thing even though it hurt, and how many times I've felt the rewarding rush of pride and esteem from my victories. You'd think the rememberence of those feelings would spur me into action. You'd think.

I admire those go-to-it sorts. I do. But if I'm honest, brutally so, I also envy them and resent them. Why? Because I compare myself to them and I always pull up short. That sort of feeling should make me want to rise to their level.

Instead that whispering voice -- that voice I try like hell not to listen to, that Dark Passenger -- tells me that if something is inevitable, there is no use in fighting it. Just give up because you can't win anyway.......and go find something else.

((Song: "New Religion" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/NewReligion.html ))

Saturday, October 13, 2007

A Constant Battle for the Ultimate State of Control

When I say the word “forbidden,” what does it conjure up in your head?

If you’re like most people – well, if you’re like me, anyway – the first thing you start thinking about is all sorts of naughty things. Specifically things you can’t or wouldn’t do. Deviant behaviors. Kinky sex.

Maybe then you think about laws you can’t break, things you think but can’t say (like what the hell is your friend thinking wearing those jeans or that your boss is an asshole) and places you can’t go.

Whatever you think about, the word’s underlying implication is wrong or bad. Forbidden means no.

Why, then, do people risk what they risk for a taste of what is forbidden? Why do they risk heaven and hell, or even everything they have and love, for it? What is it about the human condition that urges us to want that which we cannot have? Why is it, that once we are told something is off-limits, we want it all the more?

It could be argued that this desire is part of the idea of manifest destiny. A desire to strive towards that which we do not have and conquer it. Without the desire to explore what was deemed unattainable we would have been content to crouch in our caves and let life pass us by. No, this desire is part of our path, our natural evolution. Without it we might have become another closed chapter in the evolutionary novel.

I think it’s more about the urge to be self-contained, apart from everyone and everything else. It is such a primal urge, every bit as strong as the need to bond. We need to feel bonded to others, yes, but we also need to bond to ourselves. It’s a matter of trust, really. Self-trust.

Stifling this urge is encouraged in our society, though. It’s not really talked about much; in fact it’s quite the opposite. The psychobabble circus clowns and worried parents talk a blue streak about making sure we all have good self-esteem and the chance to express who we really are. We all pay lip service to self-expression – and don’t tell me you don’t, because you do! -- but when it comes down to that moment where you find yourself doing something that you know society “forbids,” somewhere deep down in your soul you feel angry or guilty or even ashamed. You aren’t really angry at society so much as you’re angry at yourself for allowing it to insinuate itself and its values that deeply into your psyche. That anger causes a lot of people to act out. Do more, faster! Wilder! Crazier! Just for spite. Just because everyone says they aren’t supposed to.

When something is forbidden, it seems that much more attractive -- even if it isn’t. How many times in your life have you attained something you thought was unattainable, or done something you hardly believed yourself capable of? How many times have you indulged in behaviors that you desperately desired, only to find their taste over time was not as sweet? And then, how many other times did you do something because you wanted to want to, not because you really did?

It’s interesting, isn’t it? Maybe a big part of one of the great lessons in life – that of attaining wisdom -- is learning to distinguish the difference between pursuing the forbidden because it titillates, and pursuing it because it is an honest desire devoid of predjudices. Choosing to understand and more importantly accept the why statements behind your behavior. And doing nothing that contradicts those why’s. Contradict your true feelings and beliefs – even if at heart you are a totally pedestrian joe and you really wished to be some wild deviant child that snubs his nose at convention -- and you will not be able to live at peace. It is as simple as that.

The forbidden, then, is less of an opposite reaction and more of an exploratory one. To some it represents excitement and release, to others fear and anarchy.

Guess which one I fall under?


(Song: "A Matter of Trust" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/discography/AMatterOfTrust.html ))

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Let Me Wander Over Yonder

V and I have had a series of conversations that have been percolating in my mind of late. In attempting to illuminate the female to him -- her mind, her heart, her rituals, her relationships with friends and lovers, her communication styles -- I've found that I've shone a light on a few of my own hidden little creatures. Even though I fear my student is deaf, dumb and blind and I grow increasingly aware of the futility of my efforts, I keep plugging away. If nothing else, finding these hidden things within myself is worth all the rest of it. It's an unforeseen but wholly delightful benefit of my teaching.

So I've been thinking about fences.

So much in life is about the "can"s and the "cannot"s -- fence words. It's not really as much about the "will"s and "won't"s because what people will and won't do is so very flexible. The "will"s and "won't"s are limits that spring from within each person so they're personal. They stretch and change with age and wisdom and circumstance. No, the "can"s and "cannot"s are different because they spring from without. They are imposed, not generated....accepted, not self-determined.

When you meet someone and you enmesh your life with theirs it is such an incredible ride. You plumb their depths -- physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally -- and you grow to learn their limits and biases and needs and vulnerabilities. You become something else together and not only you by yourself. You give birth to something, or create it. That process satisfies just about every human need that can be quantified.

Somewhere along the way you learn that with this new little creation come rules that must be followed to keep the whole viable and the other half secure. Often these rules are never spoken but simply understood. Each part of the whole learns of the soft vulnerable underbelly of its other half, the sensitive places where even the lightest touch may cause revolt. It's the classic give and take. One half needs more emotional space. The other half needs more physical gratification.

Most of the time these various needs can be adjusted to but every so often -- and more often than most like to admit -- one part may want to explore and continue to grow, or actually does grow and change, and the other part may need to freeze time and remain the way things were for all eternity. What happens when this comes to a head? How does this get resolved?

If one part of the whole "will" sacrifice their desire then a simple solution is found. If the other "won't" it becomes the decision of the other part to accept that. As said before, the desire to do something is an internal and flexible force. But when growth in a relationship is stalled because one part of the whole knows that the other will not allow for growth and imposes that rule upon the whole it becomes you "cannot." No more give and take.

Unless a person willingly sacrifices a desire or a need it never goes away. When the words go from "will" and "won't" and become "can" or "cannot" -- an external imposition -- a subtle power struggle between the parts of the whole ensues. Once begun, it is rarely stopped. It becomes a battle to win with one's independence and personal growth as the stakes. It becomes a battle that is an internal one as well as an external one because the party fighting that battle is well aware that fighting it risks everything. On the one hand, acceding to the other's demands because you value them and the whole that was created together -- and on the other realizing that to accede stunts its continued growth or renders the whole unrecognizable....a fake. No longer that which could be depended upon.

I have wondered if much of the conflict in relationships is because of the "can"s and the "cannot"s. The desire of one half to possess, control, guide or limit the other half. To keep what is known and comfortable over what is unknown and frightening. To reduce risk. To stunt growth due to fear or anger or any one of any number of paralyzing emotions.

When often, permission is the only key. The only way to open that fence. To say to the other half....you "can." Whatever it is that you feel you "cannot" because of what the whole was or used to be? You "can."

And more often than not, they won't. They just needed to know that they could.


((Song: "Don't Fence Me In" by Bing Crosby. Lyrics here:
http://www.mathematik.uni-ulm.de/paul/lyrics/bingcrosby/dontfe~1.html ))