It's been a week since I've moved out. Still no internet at my new place and I've not had much time to do anything but settle in. Still, I wanted to check in and say I'm still alive. Hopefully sometime before my internet is supposed to be hooked up on the 24th, I'll be able to post.
I've been running the gamut of emotions. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but determined. Well, let's rephrase that. I'm not very determined today, but on the whole I have been.
Hear that? That's the sound of all my preconceptions popping.
More later.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Giggles
I love this girl, I am not ashamed to admit it! She rocks!
http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/?par=msnrelblogrelated?iv_cobrandRef=msnwomen
Read her blog. I insist.
I needed the giggles today after my late night call with the local cable company from hell -- time Warner (insert boos and hisses here). H-e-double hockeysticks sort of hell. Let me elaborate.
I'd set up an appointment three weeks ago to get digital phone/cable/broadband. Yes, it took them three weeks to come out and set up service. So they get here and set it up, last call of the day and all that. The repairmen were nice enough -- matter of fact, one of the repairmen was so impressed by the fact that I actually knew who King Diamond was that he gave me his number and said to me it was because "you might need to get hold of me for your new apartment set-up, just call me when you know the service number and I'll be sure to take that call for you."
Yeah. Like I believed that. Hee! But I digress.
Anyway, 40 minutes after they leave it starts going wiggy. And I'm up til nearly midnight messing with them -- they tried to tell me that they could not get another serviceman out there for another few weeks and I told them I wanted one out today.......which I got them to do after much persuasion/begging/pleading/grovelling. See, I don't want my kiddo in the house without a phone.
So we'll see what happens today with this.
http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/?par=msnrelblogrelated?iv_cobrandRef=msnwomen
Read her blog. I insist.
I needed the giggles today after my late night call with the local cable company from hell -- time Warner (insert boos and hisses here). H-e-double hockeysticks sort of hell. Let me elaborate.
I'd set up an appointment three weeks ago to get digital phone/cable/broadband. Yes, it took them three weeks to come out and set up service. So they get here and set it up, last call of the day and all that. The repairmen were nice enough -- matter of fact, one of the repairmen was so impressed by the fact that I actually knew who King Diamond was that he gave me his number and said to me it was because "you might need to get hold of me for your new apartment set-up, just call me when you know the service number and I'll be sure to take that call for you."
Yeah. Like I believed that. Hee! But I digress.
Anyway, 40 minutes after they leave it starts going wiggy. And I'm up til nearly midnight messing with them -- they tried to tell me that they could not get another serviceman out there for another few weeks and I told them I wanted one out today.......which I got them to do after much persuasion/begging/pleading/grovelling. See, I don't want my kiddo in the house without a phone.
So we'll see what happens today with this.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
It's Time To Be A Big Girl Now And Big Girls Don't Cry
This might be the last entry I can do for a while -- other than a few at work -- before I lose my internet service for almost the rest of the month. I'll be packing up my computer and installing the other one as primary at the house so hub and daughter can have email and all that. I'll be busy as all hell tonight and tomorrow night.
One more night after this one and I will move into my new place. One more evening spent with my husband and then that is that. I'm nervous and scared, excited and prepared....all at the same time.
But I can do this. There are so many reasons why I have to.
And on an entirely unrelated note, a friend I'll call Irish and I were chatting today. I was telling him about my new bed and he told me that now that I'll be separated and am finally getting some physical therapy/medical help for my dyspareunia, I can finally have the great sex that's been eluding me. My response?
Me: Hehehe, riiiiiight! I haven't had really good sex in so long that it seems sort of like Bigfoot. It's been spotted a couple of times but it's never been scientifically proven to exist.
Amen!
((Song: "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Lyrics here: http://fergalicious.4t.com/text/big.html ))
One more night after this one and I will move into my new place. One more evening spent with my husband and then that is that. I'm nervous and scared, excited and prepared....all at the same time.
But I can do this. There are so many reasons why I have to.
And on an entirely unrelated note, a friend I'll call Irish and I were chatting today. I was telling him about my new bed and he told me that now that I'll be separated and am finally getting some physical therapy/medical help for my dyspareunia, I can finally have the great sex that's been eluding me. My response?
Me: Hehehe, riiiiiight! I haven't had really good sex in so long that it seems sort of like Bigfoot. It's been spotted a couple of times but it's never been scientifically proven to exist.
Amen!
((Song: "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Lyrics here: http://fergalicious.4t.com/text/big.html ))
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Move The Heart, Switch The Pace
I've been feeling a bit better today about most things.
I got a decent night's sleep last night after indulging in a candy-cane martini and a bit of silly television. That "Singing Bee" is actually fun. I did a pretty good job of it, being the lyrics maven that I am. Hah! And yes, the ghost of BiB skittered through my memory since there's no way in hell I can ever match my lyric skills to his. His ghostly presence in my mind, though, was painted more with the warmth of shared times and less with the bitter edge of regret. It is too bad that we no longer speak. It would have been pleasant for both of us to do some mutual exchanging of tales of how we kicked lyrical ass.
My more even-toned feelings have to do with some financial situations I'm taking care of. I went and bought a bed for myself and spent an extra $100, thinking that instead of skimping on a purchase it would be best for me to spend a bit extra and get more wear and tear out of it. No, I don't plan on doing any late-night romps with anyone for at least a year -- and this is a vow I've made to myself that I don't intend to break (except for one person who shall heretofore remain nameless) -- but just that the bed is going to have to last for years. In purchases like this you get what you pay for. I was proud of myself for being a bit pre-emptive and not listening to my more cheapskate side. Hah!
I've signed myself up for a high-yield interest savings account and transferred some funds over to it. Not much, but it's a start. I intend to get my ass out of the nearly $7k debt that I am taking out of my marriage. I don't know how long it will take but I will do it. I am also signing up for direct deposit and transferring a certain amount immediately to my high-yield savings account.
I'm going to have the time to sit down and go over things with a fine-toothed comb because I won't have internet in my new apartment for about 10 days and I'll be bored. I'll also make a serious budget and stick to it once I know exactly what amount I can expect of my take home salary minus my healthcare and others expenditures. I sit down today with my HR Manager and will not only do the direct deposit/savings transfer but will also begin a 401K at either 3% or 6% if I think I can do that much. I am 40 and need to consider my later years quickly.
These plans make me feel better and more in control. Taking the reins is giving me a sense of peace even though I am in debt and at a fairly low-paying job. Taking these steps gives me the hope that I can rise and prosper.
Wish me luck!
((Song: "Cuts You Up" by Peter Murphy. Lyrics here: http://www.savedbyzero.org/lyrics/cuts_you_up/ ))
.
I got a decent night's sleep last night after indulging in a candy-cane martini and a bit of silly television. That "Singing Bee" is actually fun. I did a pretty good job of it, being the lyrics maven that I am. Hah! And yes, the ghost of BiB skittered through my memory since there's no way in hell I can ever match my lyric skills to his. His ghostly presence in my mind, though, was painted more with the warmth of shared times and less with the bitter edge of regret. It is too bad that we no longer speak. It would have been pleasant for both of us to do some mutual exchanging of tales of how we kicked lyrical ass.
My more even-toned feelings have to do with some financial situations I'm taking care of. I went and bought a bed for myself and spent an extra $100, thinking that instead of skimping on a purchase it would be best for me to spend a bit extra and get more wear and tear out of it. No, I don't plan on doing any late-night romps with anyone for at least a year -- and this is a vow I've made to myself that I don't intend to break (except for one person who shall heretofore remain nameless) -- but just that the bed is going to have to last for years. In purchases like this you get what you pay for. I was proud of myself for being a bit pre-emptive and not listening to my more cheapskate side. Hah!
I've signed myself up for a high-yield interest savings account and transferred some funds over to it. Not much, but it's a start. I intend to get my ass out of the nearly $7k debt that I am taking out of my marriage. I don't know how long it will take but I will do it. I am also signing up for direct deposit and transferring a certain amount immediately to my high-yield savings account.
I'm going to have the time to sit down and go over things with a fine-toothed comb because I won't have internet in my new apartment for about 10 days and I'll be bored. I'll also make a serious budget and stick to it once I know exactly what amount I can expect of my take home salary minus my healthcare and others expenditures. I sit down today with my HR Manager and will not only do the direct deposit/savings transfer but will also begin a 401K at either 3% or 6% if I think I can do that much. I am 40 and need to consider my later years quickly.
These plans make me feel better and more in control. Taking the reins is giving me a sense of peace even though I am in debt and at a fairly low-paying job. Taking these steps gives me the hope that I can rise and prosper.
Wish me luck!
((Song: "Cuts You Up" by Peter Murphy. Lyrics here: http://www.savedbyzero.org/lyrics/cuts_you_up/ ))
.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Helpless, Helpless, Helpless
I can barely keep my tears at bay today. I get the feeling this will only get worse as the days move toward the end of the week.
I left a voice message with BiB that stated I would leave my new address in an email when I got it. I have the new address already, of course, but.....well. What can I say? I feel like a bit of me caved a bit, leaving the message. Just leaving the voice message as opposed to an email, I mean.
I attribute it to my weak frame of mind this week. I can only thank goodness BiB wasn't there to pick up when I called. Thank goodness for small blessings.
I feel so very small and alone.
My god, this is hard.
((Song: "Helpless" by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. Lyrics here: http://lyrics.ivory.org/helpless.html ))
I left a voice message with BiB that stated I would leave my new address in an email when I got it. I have the new address already, of course, but.....well. What can I say? I feel like a bit of me caved a bit, leaving the message. Just leaving the voice message as opposed to an email, I mean.
I attribute it to my weak frame of mind this week. I can only thank goodness BiB wasn't there to pick up when I called. Thank goodness for small blessings.
I feel so very small and alone.
My god, this is hard.
((Song: "Helpless" by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. Lyrics here: http://lyrics.ivory.org/helpless.html ))
Monday, July 9, 2007
Is There Anything I'm Going To Miss
This will be a rough week for me. I am moving on Saturday morning.
Poor V. He's looking forward to this and mentioned to me this weekend that he would never have believed that when we met nearly 20 years ago that someday he'd be my roommate. Unfortunately V doesn't realize exactly how much he will take the brunt of whatever grieving I do. My moods may make him uncomfortable and he may even get the feeling that I don't want him around. At times, he'll be right.
Speaking of that, I've noticed how much I've withdrawn emotionally from my friends. I've noticed it for a while but now that the time has come for me to actually do what I've decided to do, it's become exponentially worse. It's as if I feel somewhere deep inside that I'm pedalling backwards trying to find my 20s again but that they don't exist. Try as I might I can't seem to fit them into this so-called new life of mine because right now they feel like replacement parts -- things I'm using to occupy me so that I don't have to think about the real things.
That's really it. Though my reason tells me otherwise, my heart feels like I'm giving up the only real thing I've ever known. I'm choosing to be a part-time mom and an ex-wife and not because I have to or that I have no other choice, but because I'm weak. Incapable. A failure.
So yeah, maybe I'm not quite at the "I accept myself as I am" part. Not there yet. And so in the meantime, my poor friends are the recipients of my apathy and shame at myself.
I tell myself, "This too shall pass."
In other news, I got my full-time status here at my current job though it's not really the job I wanted. It'll do for the time being, though.
Ah yes, moving out. My life this week has been filled with packing, putting things out in the garage, asking hub if he wants this or that and talking calmly and reasonably about so many things. He wants a divorce in six months or so, he said in response to my query. I said all right, I understood.
He won't be there when I move out on Saturday and has made plans to take the kiddo with him out to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. I think it's good that he's taking her along but this is more for him than for her, of course. He's been really quiet and distant. I'm not surprised but I can't say it doesn't bother me because it amplifies my guilt. But I have to soldier on.
And now for my obligatory narcissist moments. I've realized something over the course of my apartment search and subsequent analyzation of my financial situation. I'm finally realizing how much I've grown used to being spoiled rotten.
Rotten, I tell you. Leaving a household making 80k a year and going to one making barely 24k? Yeah. Vast difference. Doesn't matter that we've managed to save only around 10-20k in our 17 years, or that we're just about that in debt. Simply put, if something unexpected occurred a couple hundred dollars here and there was something we could manage. That's not going to be something I can do now. A couple hundred dollars will mean something.
The lack of money is going to bother me on so many levels, some of which are more noble than others. They vary from the practical (what happens if I get sick, or the car keels over?) to the purely vain (I can't go get Starbucks without calculating my monthly net worth when other women my age are contemplating luxury cruises?) Add that to the fact that my hub can do these things and make sure that our kiddo can as well? There's a hefty amount of jealousy there. My freedom is costing me much more than it does him.
He has his own 401K. I don't. I have been working seven years at a job part-time, no 401K, nothing. And I am 40 years old, 25 years from retirement, and I have nothing. Short of making sure some of my hub's social security benefits and 401K will accrue to me since we were married over 10 years, it's all up to me now, baby.
This petrifies me. I know -- rationally, that is -- that it will all eventually be all right and I'll manage to save a bit, maybe even more than my hub will. My frugal soul will re-emerge from the pod of suburban comfort like one of those seventeen-year cicadas do. I'll remember what it was like when I didn't have much, but all of it was mine.
Makes me remember something though. A woman I used to know, a number of years older than me. She was working taking care of plants and singing and making albums in her spare time, all while being a single mom to a young son. I admired all these things about her. But what I didn't admire was her deep sense of cynicism about all the things everyone else had that she didn't. She was bitter over the fact that she had no significant man in her life and that she had to scrape by hand to mouth. It made her a sour person in many ways, and I don't want to be like her. I'll try like hell to look at things differently than she did. Perhaps I met her those years ago so that when I was in her position, I would remember her and determine my own path based on my learning. If so, then I'd best do it right.
Right now, though, I am just nervous, sad, angry, sick to my stomach with stress, guilty......the list goes on. I want to run back into the shelter of the financial comfort that my hub provided. I am mentally castigating myself for my idiocy, for the fact that here I am wanting to leave, making the steps to re-enter my ultra-poor college-hand-to-mouth days, when I'd moved past that already and "grew up" and got comfortable and had it good. Good, I tell you!
Maybe I did. But perhaps I should stop trying to predict things and just wait to see what comes out in the wash.
((Song: "How's It Going To Be?" by Third Eye Blind. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/thirdeyeblindlyrics/3eb_lyrics/hows_it_going_to_be.html ))
Poor V. He's looking forward to this and mentioned to me this weekend that he would never have believed that when we met nearly 20 years ago that someday he'd be my roommate. Unfortunately V doesn't realize exactly how much he will take the brunt of whatever grieving I do. My moods may make him uncomfortable and he may even get the feeling that I don't want him around. At times, he'll be right.
Speaking of that, I've noticed how much I've withdrawn emotionally from my friends. I've noticed it for a while but now that the time has come for me to actually do what I've decided to do, it's become exponentially worse. It's as if I feel somewhere deep inside that I'm pedalling backwards trying to find my 20s again but that they don't exist. Try as I might I can't seem to fit them into this so-called new life of mine because right now they feel like replacement parts -- things I'm using to occupy me so that I don't have to think about the real things.
That's really it. Though my reason tells me otherwise, my heart feels like I'm giving up the only real thing I've ever known. I'm choosing to be a part-time mom and an ex-wife and not because I have to or that I have no other choice, but because I'm weak. Incapable. A failure.
So yeah, maybe I'm not quite at the "I accept myself as I am" part. Not there yet. And so in the meantime, my poor friends are the recipients of my apathy and shame at myself.
I tell myself, "This too shall pass."
In other news, I got my full-time status here at my current job though it's not really the job I wanted. It'll do for the time being, though.
Ah yes, moving out. My life this week has been filled with packing, putting things out in the garage, asking hub if he wants this or that and talking calmly and reasonably about so many things. He wants a divorce in six months or so, he said in response to my query. I said all right, I understood.
He won't be there when I move out on Saturday and has made plans to take the kiddo with him out to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. I think it's good that he's taking her along but this is more for him than for her, of course. He's been really quiet and distant. I'm not surprised but I can't say it doesn't bother me because it amplifies my guilt. But I have to soldier on.
And now for my obligatory narcissist moments. I've realized something over the course of my apartment search and subsequent analyzation of my financial situation. I'm finally realizing how much I've grown used to being spoiled rotten.
Rotten, I tell you. Leaving a household making 80k a year and going to one making barely 24k? Yeah. Vast difference. Doesn't matter that we've managed to save only around 10-20k in our 17 years, or that we're just about that in debt. Simply put, if something unexpected occurred a couple hundred dollars here and there was something we could manage. That's not going to be something I can do now. A couple hundred dollars will mean something.
The lack of money is going to bother me on so many levels, some of which are more noble than others. They vary from the practical (what happens if I get sick, or the car keels over?) to the purely vain (I can't go get Starbucks without calculating my monthly net worth when other women my age are contemplating luxury cruises?) Add that to the fact that my hub can do these things and make sure that our kiddo can as well? There's a hefty amount of jealousy there. My freedom is costing me much more than it does him.
He has his own 401K. I don't. I have been working seven years at a job part-time, no 401K, nothing. And I am 40 years old, 25 years from retirement, and I have nothing. Short of making sure some of my hub's social security benefits and 401K will accrue to me since we were married over 10 years, it's all up to me now, baby.
This petrifies me. I know -- rationally, that is -- that it will all eventually be all right and I'll manage to save a bit, maybe even more than my hub will. My frugal soul will re-emerge from the pod of suburban comfort like one of those seventeen-year cicadas do. I'll remember what it was like when I didn't have much, but all of it was mine.
Makes me remember something though. A woman I used to know, a number of years older than me. She was working taking care of plants and singing and making albums in her spare time, all while being a single mom to a young son. I admired all these things about her. But what I didn't admire was her deep sense of cynicism about all the things everyone else had that she didn't. She was bitter over the fact that she had no significant man in her life and that she had to scrape by hand to mouth. It made her a sour person in many ways, and I don't want to be like her. I'll try like hell to look at things differently than she did. Perhaps I met her those years ago so that when I was in her position, I would remember her and determine my own path based on my learning. If so, then I'd best do it right.
Right now, though, I am just nervous, sad, angry, sick to my stomach with stress, guilty......the list goes on. I want to run back into the shelter of the financial comfort that my hub provided. I am mentally castigating myself for my idiocy, for the fact that here I am wanting to leave, making the steps to re-enter my ultra-poor college-hand-to-mouth days, when I'd moved past that already and "grew up" and got comfortable and had it good. Good, I tell you!
Maybe I did. But perhaps I should stop trying to predict things and just wait to see what comes out in the wash.
((Song: "How's It Going To Be?" by Third Eye Blind. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/thirdeyeblindlyrics/3eb_lyrics/hows_it_going_to_be.html ))
Friday, July 6, 2007
Random Things pt 2
I got an apartment and will try to update after the weekend once things settle down. In the meantime, more random things....
This post resonated with me and I wanted to make note of it:
http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/greek_tragedy/2007/07/disposable-inco.html
And also from her (Stephanie): "I never said it was easy. It sucks the big fat hairy moose cock. But in the times where we hurt the most, we really do the most growing. Not that growth seems like the most appealing sell, but when you're going through it... and it hurts like hell, there is comfort in knowing that your soul, your journey, is progressing, that you're at least moving forward as hard as it is. And it totally prepares you for anything else thrown your way. It's a reminder... "Shit, I got through that, so I'll get through this too."
-- Yeah, this rings so true now. I know I'm doing the right thing but now that I know I have a place and I've signed a lease and it's REALLY REAL? Gahhhhh. I can do this. I can.
Oh, and this quote will go on my sidebar:
"If someone shows you who they are....believe them." -Maya Angelou
This post resonated with me and I wanted to make note of it:
http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/greek_tragedy/2007/07/disposable-inco.html
And also from her (Stephanie): "I never said it was easy. It sucks the big fat hairy moose cock. But in the times where we hurt the most, we really do the most growing. Not that growth seems like the most appealing sell, but when you're going through it... and it hurts like hell, there is comfort in knowing that your soul, your journey, is progressing, that you're at least moving forward as hard as it is. And it totally prepares you for anything else thrown your way. It's a reminder... "Shit, I got through that, so I'll get through this too."
-- Yeah, this rings so true now. I know I'm doing the right thing but now that I know I have a place and I've signed a lease and it's REALLY REAL? Gahhhhh. I can do this. I can.
Oh, and this quote will go on my sidebar:
"If someone shows you who they are....believe them." -Maya Angelou
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Random Things
Just back to post a few random quotes, and a note from a friend that lives in Australia who is very dear to me indeed. Hopefully I'll get to meet him in person in the next three or four months!
On to the quotes....
“You are the master of your words until they are spoken. Then they become the master of you, so choose your words carefully.”
“Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
And from my Aussie friend....
"Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige's wall there was this one: ''Matters of great concern should be treated lightly.'' Master lttei commented, "Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."
"Among one's affairs there should not be more than two or three matters of what one could call great concern. If these are deliberated upon during ordinary times, they can be understood. Thinking about things previously and then handling them lightly when the time comes is what this is all about. To face an event anew and solve it lightly is difficult if you are not resolved beforehand, and there will always be uncertainty in hitting your mark. However, if the foundation is laid previously, you can think of the saying, "Matters of great concern should be treated lightly," as your own basis for action.
"What he's saying there is that you think things through, and make a commitment to a path then the decision is easy and doesn't take much thought, each time it comes up."
On to the quotes....
“You are the master of your words until they are spoken. Then they become the master of you, so choose your words carefully.”
“Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
And from my Aussie friend....
"Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige's wall there was this one: ''Matters of great concern should be treated lightly.'' Master lttei commented, "Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."
"Among one's affairs there should not be more than two or three matters of what one could call great concern. If these are deliberated upon during ordinary times, they can be understood. Thinking about things previously and then handling them lightly when the time comes is what this is all about. To face an event anew and solve it lightly is difficult if you are not resolved beforehand, and there will always be uncertainty in hitting your mark. However, if the foundation is laid previously, you can think of the saying, "Matters of great concern should be treated lightly," as your own basis for action.
"What he's saying there is that you think things through, and make a commitment to a path then the decision is easy and doesn't take much thought, each time it comes up."
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