Viva Las Vegas!

Went to Las Vegas this weekend with X.

I had an incredible time though it was quite surreal. Never in a thousand years would I have dreamed that little old me would be drinking $600 bottles of wine and shopping at Cartier and riding around in a Rolls, much less staying in a 5-star hotel and playing blackjack with $300 buy-in limits. I enjoyed it immensely but it was one of those experiences that you appreciate all the more for its uniqueness. I feel quite sure I wouldn't enjoy it half as much if it were commonplace.

And X? I can't say much about him although my thoughts are full. He is a consummate gentleman. Great conversationalist, confidence with a touch of likeable arrogance and a workhorse ethic, but he knows how to play. And oh did I mention sexy as all hell? Hah! I enjoyed the time I spent with him and he treated me every bit like a lady.

Unfortunately I'd developed a bit of a sore throat before going, which kicked into full-blown flu the day after my return. So here I am coughing and generally feeling miserable. Better today than I did yesterday for sure, but still way under the weather. I wonder if going to Vegas might have helped me get sicker than I would have if I'd stayed home but there's no contest, it was worth it.

In spades. (Get it?)

((Song: "Viva Las Vegas" by Elvis Presley. Lyrics here:
http://www.elvis-presley-biography.com/VivaLasVegas.htm ))

Now I'm Free, Now I'm Free, Now I'm Free

Well, Wednesday was a day of firsts.

1) First time I'd ever been in a courtroom.
2) First time I'd ever been divorced.
3) First time I met my exh's girlfriend.

Went to court on Wednesday and although I was totally stressed that the judge would refuse to allow our unique take on child support (we were exchanging an asset in lieu of it) he looked at it for all of 20 seconds, asked us both if we were amenable to it, and then said it's granted and ushered us off to get our paperwork from the baliff.

And just like that, we were divorced. The ex and I blinked at each other and mumbled something along the order of, "Holy cow. What just happened?"

Talk about anticlimactic.

We spent the majority of the day together in one fashion or another. We held hands in the parking lot, went out for coffee, talked about the ending of our relationship and what we wanted to see from it in the future, and all in all it was a meaningful and enjoyable day. It might sound strange to say this, but it ended like it began.....beautifully.

I am indeed a lucky lady.

Later on, I was spending time with BFF. Exh calls me and tells me he'd like me to join him for a meeting about mineral rights for the house, and that we'll need a notary in order for us to sign the paperwork to lease out those rights. He tells me that Yo is a notary and she'd be happy to do it. I ask if he's sure, he says yes, and although I am not at all convinced he realizes that he's delusional, I agree. I admit, I wanted to meet her.

Long story short, I do. She comes over to the house and we introduce ourselves, and I meet her little boy. It's a short visit and a pleasant one, and I experienced no real amount of jealousy for her place with exh. I do admit to a twinge of jealousy when she and kiddo were hugging and talking about getting together but for the most part? I was pretty relaxed, and proud of myself for it.

I thought about it on the way home and I examined my reactions in more detail as I did. I decided some things. No matter what, I'm kiddo's mom and no one will ever replace me in that role in her eyes. Exh told me he has emphasized that fact to both Yo and the kiddo. And really, it is unreasonable of me to expect him not to find enjoyment out of his life, a form of enjoyment I refused to give, and didn't want to, and couldn't. And it is infinitely more preferable to me that my kiddo be comfortable with and actually like the other woman he is with, than have that woman treat her with indifference and cruelty. It says a lot about Yo's character that she enjoys my kiddo's company. I'd rather all my kiddo's close family be enriching to her.

So these are my first days as a newly single woman. Here's to my next phase of life.

((Song: "Free" by Vast. Lyrics here:
http://www.superlyrics.com/lyrics/kGRU0xYFJL@H@c/Free_lyrics_by_VAST.html ))

I Wonder, Is There Anything I'm Gonna Miss?

Yesterday was a frustrating day.

Stbx and I had our court date to finalize the divorce. Now, we've been doing this ourselves since we can't afford to hire a lawyer (translation: I've been doing the work, stbx trusts me to handle these sorts of things and I take them on willingly -- it's how it's always been.)

Long story short, I did not prepare the correct paperwork and we learned we had to reschedule. We were both upset and irritated by the delay but by the end of the ride back to his place, we had begun taking out our frustrations on the convoluted, confusing court system with a series of joking/ranty comments.

He soothed my frayed nerves and my feelings of idiocy by telling me he was impressed by the inroads I'd made in understanding everything so far without the help of a lawyer. I deeply appreciated his encouragement. We veered off on other topics and somewhere in the midst of all the laughing and joking about weird TV shows and sharing our long-ingrained dual senses of humor, I began to cry.

What made me cry was the realization that of all the humans on the planet, he was still really the only one that truly knows and gets me deeply. More than all my friends -- whom I can laugh with and enjoy time with but who are intrinsically "other" -- he was more than just my friend. He was the rungs on my ladder, the other side of my scale. I really felt at gut-level all the things that I was losing. He looked at me and all I could manage to say was, "I miss you."

He knew what I meant. I tried to pull myself together as he quietly told me that he'd had to take the day previous off work after I'd called to tell him about the court date, that he couldn't concentrate at work after that. We spoke of feeling like failures. We spoke of 20 years of togetherness that now had to somehow be changed. We spoke of things like getting back together and knowing that it would go back to the way it was before whether it took a year, or 2, or 5 to do so. He said he had been so miserable during that time and he didn't want to voluntarily go through all that again. We spoke of the need to have the hope that eventually the pain would recede and all the other things -- the good things -- that we had, and have, would rise to the top like so much rich cream.

So we're still married. It'll be that way for another week while we get another court date set up.

I know he's right. But I do miss him.


((Song: "How's It Going To Be?" by Third Eye Blind. Lyrics here:
http://artists.letssingit.com/third-eye-blind-lyrics-hows-it-going-to-be-7tx7xf4 ))

Cause We're All Afraid Of Each Other

I had a dream last night that was one of the strangest ones I'd had in a while.

I was trying to shut a big door, and the door acted like one of those spinning safe locks -- the kind with the tumblers? You could see the tumblers spin and in order for the door to close properly I had to wait until the tumblers passed over this piece of metal that was sticking out so that it would lock in place -- the thing couldn't spin backward.

So I was messing with the door -- it wasn't working right for me -- while talking with BiB. He was standing to my right, holding a hat or something. I offered to take him home in my car. He looked like he didn't want to wait for me but finally said all right, fine.

Then V came walking up. I nodded to him and said I'd be ready in a minute. I told V that I was planning to leave soon and to make sure to be in the car, and that BiB was going with us. He eyed BiB but said nothing. I saw his look and introduced BiB to him. V's eyebrows raised, but his tone was even as he said his greetings.

V and BiB began to leave and I followed behind, curious to see what would happen because I knew that Grey was waiting in the car with V.

I got in the front seat and turned around to watch just as BiB slid into the passenger's seat of the car. Grey looked at BiB and BiB looked at Grey, neither man having ever met the other. So with an anticipatory smile I said, "Grey, this is BiB. BiB, this is Grey."

Watching the dawning comprehension in both men's eyes and how they subsequently sized one another up was delicious.

And then I awoke.

I laid there for a moment, and the first thing I did was laugh. Ah, how interesting that would be.

((Song: "Dirty Great Monster" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/dirty-great-monster-lyrics-duran-duran.html ))

Grab That Cash With Both Hands

Lately I've been brainstorming about extra ways to make money. I have some debt I'd like to see gone.

So I went to donate plasma this morning at my local donation center. The pay is pretty good. You can donate up to twice a week for $65. That means if I get my butt over there and my body can handle it (I may just do once a week for a while to see if my blood recovers quickly or takes a while) I can make up to $260 a month and at least $120. That means I can throw that extra cash at a debt I have that's around $500 and get that paid off in as little as 2-3 months and 4-5 at the most. I like the sound of that.

Then, if I continue, I can add that extra to my other debt, the one I took with me from my marriage. That one is a 4-figure debt. I can get that taken care of in 16-19 months if I continue donating.

Wow. Debt-free in 2 years. I'm speechless.

((Song: "Money" by Pink Floyd. Lyrics here:
http://www.pink-floyd-lyrics.com/html/money-dance-lyrics.html ))

We Longed For Nothin' And Were Quite Satisfied

Yesterday afternoon I decided -- quite on a lark -- to go down to a theater in the nearest big city (about 30 miles away) to see "I'm Not There," the new movie about Bob Dylan. To get there I needed to do the following: get off work, throw a change of clothes on, get to the train station, catch a bus from the train, dodge freeway traffic, and walk blocks and blocks to the theater. All in less than an hour and a half.

Without going into exceptionally boring detail -- which involves getting turned around, losing ten minutes before realizing it, and walking right by the theater but not seeing it as it was tucked behind a few other buildings -- I didn't make it.

Normally I hate it when I'm confronted by sudden changes to plans that I'd set my heart on. I become agitated or upset or even downright nasty. But this time I decided that I wasn't going to let missing the movie ruin my evening and I was even more proud of myself because I actually "felt" the decision as well as "thought" it.

As I was downtown in the cultural district of the city anyway with time to kill I decided to wander a bit down the avenue I was on and take in the sights. I was surprised -- and quite pleasantly so -- because unlike most sections of a lot of the cities in this part of the country (with the possible exception of Austin) it reminded me a bit of the great Northeastern cities like Boston, which is one of my favorite cities ever.

There's such a difference between the cities in the Northeast/Midwest and those here in the southwest. Cities here have an elegant sort of aesthetic sense to them. Clean straight lines, streets running rationally. Minimalist. They feel young and fresh and clean, eager to learn and grow. It's like they're going out on the town and they're dressed to the nines. They're looking smart and they beckon towards people, urging to be filled.

Not so the cities of the older part of the country. They are organic creatures and when you walk through them it's like all those random blocks of material you throw into a patchwork quilt. They don't look like they'd work together, but they do. The people came there first and like an ivy that curls around a fence or crawls up a brick facade, the city grew up around them. They have twisty-turny streets and squished little alleyways and row upon row of attached little houses, brick streets and old lampposts.

For the most part cities here feel cold to me. I can't invest much in them because they don't make me feel like I'm part of them as much as I am moving through them. I fall in love with cities that allow me to absorb myself into them. I guess it's much harder for me to fall in love with a city that doesn't seem to have an old soul.

Anyway, I wandered the avenue for a while and enjoyed the busy feeling that comes with being immersed in the city and its sights. I decided to find a little out of the way cafe and eat dinner and soon thereafter sipped Chardonnay and ate steamed asparagus out on the patio, people-watching.

Somewhere during the meal it occurred to me that I was thoroughly content. Even happy. I wasn't lonely or longing for another person on the other side of the table to talk to. I wasn't feeling incomplete at all. And god, that felt good.


((Song: "Bob Dylan's Dream" by Bob Dylan. Lyrics here:
http://bobdylan.com/songs/dream.html ))

What The Fuck Was I Thinking?

Kiddo and I spent some quality time together over the t-day holiday. There was a bit of a health scare that was minor (though she's going to have it checked out) and so she was more inclined to cling to my side than usual. She couldn't sleep and we ended up driving around until 3 am talking -- and it was a great heart to heart -- and when we got home, I massaged her back and she fell asleep in my arms and I was completely overwhelmed with the love I had for her. I'd promised her that I was going to speak to her father about some of what we'd spoken about, and I did so with her blessing.

So stbx and I had a short discussion t-day night and then picked it up last night, which morphed into our first post-split altercation. It started about kiddo and her feelings about her dad meeting someone so quickly. I said some things I'd been thinking but holding in because I was determined to withhold my personal thoughts, since I felt I'd given up that right when I walked out the door. But when I learned this weekend that some of it had made my kiddo a little confused and unsure I felt it prudent to speak up. I spoke up all right. In fact I got a little zealous and somewhere in the middle of it, it became not so much about her and more about my own judgment against him and my own jealousy and unease. He became defensive and said things about me that originated from his own hurt feelings about my choice to leave him and him feeling abandoned and lonely.

It wasn't horribly bad but I think we both deserved it when the other lashed out and said hurtful things in response. We didn't yell or call each other names, it wasn't mean or spiteful, it was just vigorous. We also both called each other out on the times when we stepped outside the boundaries of what was in the best interests of kiddo and let it become about us. And on the upside, we both called and apologized and we're back to being civil and warm.

Although I am shamed that I allowed some of the feelings to slip out that I would have preferred to keep to myself, I'm also glad that this all happened. I have been sad and lonely lately, wishing to rebuild and wondering if the impasses that we ran up against in our marriage could be somehow rectified or adjusted, or something. Last night helped remind me that we really aren't in the same place any longer and we couldn't be even if we did get back together. That wishes are for horses and all that jazz.

Still, it makes me sad.

((Song: "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owen Youngs. Download the song here:
http://2006.sxsw.com/music/showcases/band/2833.html ))

Do You Believe In What You Feel

Pardon my moods.

My last post sounded so harsh. I thought about my words all day yesterday, picking through them like something I accidentally threw out in the trash.

Let me be clear here. It's not that I don't care for my friends, not at all. To be honest, I'm jealous. When I'm jealous I pull away or worse, get prickly and nasty. It's easier to distance myself than have to admit to myself that I'm capable of feeling so petty at the very same time that I am thrilled that they are doing so well. It feels disgusting, like I'm a bad person, and how can I feel both at the same time?

After all, I'm glad they are where they are now, and that they have the relationships they have, and that they're happy after putting up with so much. I truly am. It's all richly deserved and a long time coming and if someone -- anyone -- were to criticize them, I'd be all up in their faces. I've done exactly that, in just the last few days as a matter of fact.

The only explanation I can think of for my reaction is that I feel that no matter how richly deserved it is, it -- meaning the relationships I see them having -- is something I cannot have because seemingly I can't value one enough to maintain it. So if that's true, why do I want it? Would I take it if I could have it? And if I did have it, would it be right for me or would I find some way to sabotage it?

Good god. Talk about crazy. Another example of wanting something for the sake of having it, and then not appreciating it when I had it. Another example of the real crap behind all this. I'm not able to accept who I am yet. I've not put away all the things that I wish I was, but simply am not. And I'm angry. I'm pissed as hell that I can't just be content.

That anger tranforms into jealousy and then that jealousy, hidden, becomes a sour attitude and then finally, disassociation and distance. It's a wonder they even want me around since they are all quite aware of how I'm acting. I wouldn't want me around.

It's time I talk to all of them and apologize and explain. Be truthful. Own my feelings and let them know it is not something they've done or something that is their fault.

I suspect the root cause of a lot of this is that I'm having a lot of trouble working through the emotional repercussions of my choice to divorce. As the day for the finalization comes closer (after the 6th of December) I am feeling more and more confused, lost, lonely, sad. I'm not dealing well with the end of my marriage and the choice I've made to give up the man that I know -- no matter what I've done, or he's done, or we've done -- is the love of my life. I want to go back to him and live with him and be with him. I wish he would just think I'm worth living with as the companions and life partners and friends we are without sex. I hate that sex matters more to him than I do. I wish I could change and find my lost desire for him and become someone that wants to give it to him -- or to anyone longer than a couple of years! -- without all the baggage. I wish I'd stop wishing that he could change and give up what he needs, which is every bit as important and valid as what I need.

I wish, I wish, I wish. God. I wish I'd just shut up.

I just vomited all this here, and as I wrote I felt it all boil up. I've been bottling a lot of my emotions up for the last month or so. And why? I don't have any real privacy. I need to have time alone, damn it, to grieve in the way I do it, with tears and moods, without censoring or worrying about how I might seem to be. But all this show of emotion puts V off balance. He doesn't want to, much less know how to, deal with it. He tries to and says he's willing to but I can see in his eyes how uncomfortable it makes him. He said to me once that he doesn't understand why I am going back over and over and over things that have been decided and wishes I'd just get over it, I've made the decision, it's the right one, so what's the big deal? And perhaps I shouldn't care about how he feels or how he views my ability to cope. Matter of fact I know I shouldn't. But I do. And I don't want to keep explaining the same old things, so I hold it in.

Getting through this is going to take me a lot longer than I thought it would. It's the main reason why I wish I lived alone. I could do this faster.




((Song: "In The Waiting Line" by Zero 7. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/zero7/inthewaitingline.html ))

Nothing Ever Lasts Forever

Friday night stbx dropped kiddo by my house so she could go out and eat dinner with my parents. She came up to me and gave me a hug without prompting, which took me slightly by surprise. I began to pull away, sure she'd want me to, but instead she got closer and hugged me longer and then -- shock of all shocks! -- gave me a kiss on the cheek. By herself.

It made my day. Hell, it made my week. I tell her how important she is to me but she's always heard that, she takes it for granted. I suppose it's just lucky she doesn't fully realize how important her smallest gestures are or how much she has me wrapped around her finger.

She went with her dad for their family's Thanksgiving celebrations the next day, and I went to spend the weekend at BFF's house.

While there I realized a few things -- well, not so much realized as had to confront. I've not been given to much introspection lately. I've just been numb. I know what I'm doing is right, I know it's best, I know that stbx and I could not have been able to work out our fundamental differences. Many times I feel at peace in my decision. But deep down? I don't want it. Not really. I just know it has to be.

I wish I could be a different person. For the first time in my life I am being confronted with who I am as opposed to who I'd pretended to be. For all my big talk about accepting myself and living without barriers, the fact is, those barriers were comforting. When I lived with stbx I had something to protect and philosophize about. I had my life as wife and mother and then there was my hidden "true self." Well, how verrrrry romantic! -- I was a freedom fighter for my own identity!

But please, that was really nothing more than drivel. Soooo much easier to feel rebellious when you are fighting for something you want to keep preserved -- your freedom, your "true self," your independence. It's easier to define yourself and what you are living for when you can hold it up against the mirror glass of something else and point and say, it's not that.

I don't know. I hate to try to figure out anything now, I am not in the place I need to be to do so. I've got a lot of things to work though. I guess I'm just lost. Whoever I am, I don't think it is who I was fighting for back then -- the philosophizing know-it-all -- and if that is true then the irony of that renders me mute.

This weekend, both BFF and Queen mentioned depression. Yes, I'm aware I'm depressed. It's hard to give up something you want. I'm not good with loss -- I know, I know, who is? -- and I have obsessive tendencies. I keep having to say to myself that this too shall pass. I'll find my sea legs at some point.

I don't find much joy in anything, that's for sure. I want to live by myself. I don't want to see or talk to people, especially those that in the past I've considered close friends. For the most part, even though I have moments where I enjoy myself, my negative emotions are far outweighing my positive ones where they are concerned. I'm having difficulty remembering that these people understand me or even why they would want to. I don't know who they are anymore or why they fit into my life or why I liked any of them once upon a time, other than they're there and I know I used to care and still should. So I try to, and I spend time with them when they all decide we should get together, even though given the choice I would not.

Goodness. I am ashamed to even say this and expose the level of my disregard and dispassion. But there it is, all the same.

I only seem to be making any emotional connections recently to a few others. Thank god for HD and Irish and Grey. They might not realize it but they are helping to remind me that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Lately -- other than my kiddo and the times I'm sitting there laughing with stbx -- spending time with my trio of online friends are the only times spent with real people that I feel alive and aware.

Otherwise? Just leave me the fuck alone.


((Song: "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears. Lyrics here:
http://www.memoriesfade.com/songs/tff.html ))

The Only Thing You Want From Me

I had a short conversation via IM with BiB on Sunday night. I wanted to touch base because I'd heard he'd been offered a new job. We talked about an hour, maybe a little bit less, and he filled me in on all the hoops he had to jump through to finally get the job offer. He talked about the phone interview, how they played twenty questions with him, how he'd aced their logic quiz (plus giving me the questions and the answers for all of them.) It was the whole nine yards.

Funny, he didn't tell me the name of the company. I knew why. And so I didn't ask.

And after the job offer story and the excruciating detail and the braggadocio? Conversation quickly lulled. He seemed to become suddenly distracted. Didn't ask how I'd been or what was going on in my life or anything of the sort. I offered a detail or two to test the waters, so to speak. Got nothing in return but a few cursory replies. It took me less than five minutes to see he wasn't going to ask, nor much cared. So I took my leave.

It only hurt for a little while.


((Song: "Skin Divers" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/skin-divers-lyrics-duran-duran.html))

Trust The Process

There is little in this life harder than realizing that you are responsible for another life. I don't mean another adult life; that of your partner, your friend, your lover. I mean a child's life -- your child's life. That responsibility is a weight of extraordinary importance and it's a heavy one.

But what is harder than being responsible, is realizing that sometimes you aren't. Sometimes you wish you were. Sometimes the hardest thing is watching them stumble and fall, be angry and depressed and silent and morose, and have to stand silently by, unable to infuse them with your calm. Moments like that make you realize that although we can stand side by side in this world, give support or take it, everyone is ultimately alone. Everyone has to deal with their own internal landscapes.

It's hard for me to accept this. I can accept it for everyone else in the world, but my child? It's harder to accept that the beautiful child that came from my body and into this world -- the one that looked up at me with such innocent eyes -- is only partially within my control.

I used to think that the kind of parenting a child was given was pretty much totally responsible for the kind of adult they became. The whole nuture idea. But the longer I was actually a parent and watched my child grow from infant to toddler, preadolescent to preteen, and now into a teenager? I don't believe that much anymore.

You find out as they grow that the person they are becoming isn't necessarily the one you had hopes they'd be. Every parent hopes their child is a kind, giving soul, happy and willing to believe that life is a joy that's worth it no matter what sort of pain they run up against. Every parent hopes their child can see life's richness and savor it. Every parent worth their salt endeavors to teach their children those very things. You give them an environment rich in love and expressions of affection and rules and discipline to show them that they can depend on being safe. You hope this is enough.

You can do all this, and yet.....

Nature will out. The nature part of the nature vs. nuture is by far the more powerful of the two. Ah, the randomness of genes at work. Nowhere is it more apparent than when two children, raised the same way, turn out so differently. One, from the moment of birth, was smiley and curious and affectionate, and the other was reticient and cautious, shy and retiring. Or compare identical twins and one finds that more than physical looks are similar. Personalities and preferences are also markedly so. Why? How much of personality is hardwired and how much can be manipulated or guided?

In my own case, my daughter is not the child I pictured her to be when I first saw her soft trusting eyes. I admire so many of her traits -- her strength, her ability to believe in herself and what she thinks -- and wish they were my own. I am proud of her in those moments. But just as you don't like everything about everyone, your children are no different in that regard. She has a disregard for other people that embarrasses and angers me. She is selfish and inconsiderate. You may say that many teens are this way and yes, they are -- but many are not. She seems prone to sinking into a depressive state of mind, something that I do and my mother does as well....genetics again? And she does not feel comfortable expressing affection of any sort. Her coolness scares me. I wonder, though....perhaps this is me, needing her to let me know I matter to her.

And last afternoon I saw her cry when she realized how badly she'd hurt me. Perhaps in time she'll learn showing affection is important. I can only hope.

In some part, yes, what your children are and who they become depends on you. Whatever parts you can control or guide or teach, you have an obligation to do so. You try and help make them the greatest "themselves" that they can be. But ultimately you just have to trust the process. You hope that you've been the best parent you can be and that they'll walk through their own internal landscape without getting lost. And that they'll remember -- somehow, somewhere, somewhen -- that you gave them a beacon to follow should they do so.


((Song: "Trust The Process" by John Taylor. Lyrics here:
http://www.thebassgod.com/home.html ))

He's Just A Little Plaything

This weekend kiddo and I had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time in the car driving to our destination, which was a Renaissance faire with Grey and his family and some friends. The entirety of my life lately seems to be rather Renaissance-y. Therefore, it's only right that this become the theme of my post today.

Anyway, the long ride gave kiddo and I some time to sit and talk, something kiddo is not really fond of. She happened to mention Yo's son, the 3-yr old. She said the kid throws things at her, doesn't get scolded or disciplined, that he's a little terror. I believe her because stbx said the same thing some time ago. Anyway, her tone and expression definitely let me know how awful she thought the situation with this toddler is.

Still, I know she is not unbiased. My kiddo can be dramatic. She's an only child, not fond of children or familiar with their different sort of aliveness, and has a tendency toward selfish behavior herself. On the other hand I've seen her be incredibly gentle and tender to some younger children, mostly ones that look up to her in awe or as a figure of authority. The children she tends to favor, though, are the soft-spoken, cautious ones rather than the obnoxious ones. Can't hardly blame her there. I'm not fond of children all that much myself.

This particular child, though, pushes all the wrong buttons for her. She didn't say anything about the why of it but I suspect there are reasons that don't include his poor upbringing.

I pause here for a caveat of sorts. I'll try to be as objective as I can as I go on, keeping some of my messier emotions like envy or disdain at a minimum. I know these color the situation and I'll try to at least remember they're there and weigh them when I listen to my own words and thoughts.

So......

Kiddo has been rather insistent throughout this entire process -- the divorce -- that she is perfectly fine with it and it doesn't bother her. I don't believe that for a second.

I wonder if part of her is taking out some anger or hurt in a "safe" way; focusing on the child and letting herself hate him much more passionately than she would if he was merely another friend's child. After all, he isn't. His mother is dating her father, and there is the potential that she could get stuck living with the boy if stbx and Yo's relationship progresses. That must be a real fear for her. No doubt part of her is angry at her father and is trying to figure out why he'd want to have such a brat around. She must feel like he isn't making her a consideration.

Both of us have explained what we could about our divorce to our kiddo, but much of it is so complex and deep that it is simply not something she can understand at her age. But surely she must wonder how her father could have another woman so fast? She knows that people break up and hook up and often the one happens because of the other. Who knows? Perhaps she's come to the conclusion that because stbx began dating Yo within the first month of our separation, we just chose to leave out the fact that Yo was a factor in our divorce?

And if she thinks that was true -- and it isn't, for the record -- well, who could blame her if she is angry?

I must sit down and address these issues with her and find out if my wonderings are meaningless.

And in other randomness:

I'm enjoying a renaissance of sorts with HD. For the last couple of days he and I have chatted like crazy. I enjoy him so much. He reminds me that life isn't all doomy and gloomy, I do have a habit of getting very lost in all of life's crazy details. He's the type of man that I hope to find someday. I hope he knows how much of a compliment that is. He gives me hope that there are indeed men like that out there. And he's got a fantastically sensual way about him too, which doesn't hurt! He can rev me up like a primed Porsche.

Grey. The weekend with him was interesting. He called me twice yesterday and we ended up spending about an hour on the phone. I have all sorts of tender feelings for him, he and I have been through a lot together. We talked about our kids and our experiences and though we said nothing particularly personal, our talks were limned with intimacy. I think he needs that mental caress, like a soft comforting pat on the shoulder. I do not know his motivations yet -- whether he desires me as well as enjoys my companionship or if it is simply friendship -- but as in any long-term friendship between men and women, perhaps a bit of both? It is interesting that he doesn't let his wife know we talk. There are reasons for that, not all of which involve those sorts of reasons -- most of it is innocent enough. But there is a small part that is not. Ah well. I will let it be what it is and try not to analyze it to death....or so I say, as I sit here typing all this and analyzing it. I cannot escape who I am after all.

I intend to take bellydance lessons. Starting next month. I am sure it will be an experience, one of many to introduce me to places outside the box.

2007 is almost over. On to the next new year.


((Song: "Stay Up Late" by Talking Heads. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4573 ))

I'm On A Ride And I Want To Get Off

First, the appetizers:

Playtime with HD last night. The man is a treasure. He whets my desires. I can hear his sexy accent in my head. He's curious, impulsive, impish. Up for absolutely anything. I just know he'd be a treat. Ahhhhh, my kingdom for just a taste!

I'm going to go visit Grey this weekend. I'm soooooo looking forward to it.

Kiddo texts me today. "Mom, I need cookie dough." I'm thinking it's for school, another one of those godawful sales pitch things. I text her back and ask what she's selling it for. Her answer: "Not selling it, I want some real bad." Then I start laughing when it sinks in; she's craving it. She's such a goof.

My stbx is such a great guy, it's going to be hard to find someone that can hold a candle to him. Or maybe I just like the view of me that I see in his eyes even though I know it's not the right one.

And now on to the meat and potatoes:

In my comments section from my last entry, D mentioned that women hold the power of sex. Yes, they do. I'm not sure I want to wield it, though, at least not long term. It's like a sword. I want to take it up at the beginning and indulge in it when it's sharp and strong and vital and the taste of it is sweet, and then when it dulls, leave the thing hidden away in its sheath where I don't have to see it or even remember it's there.

Too bad that men can't do that.

How on earth do I reconcile all these conflicting desires? I want sex, but I can't stand it. I hate that it exists, but I require it. I need it as a means by which I feel sexy and desired or to feel my power over a man, but when that initial rush fades its appearance makes me feel only resentment. When I submit to it after the initial rush fades and it begins to feel obligatory I get revolted at myself and push the other person away. When I see what men do in its clutches I am disdainful of it, and of them.

So what do I do? I avoid the whole thing. It's so much easier.

Those men that hit on me? I want them to hit on me,sure, but when they do, for the most part, they disgust me. They don't care about me, not really -- all they want is what I can provide. They're out on the prowl, wanting meat. I paint them all with one brush. Yes, I know it's wrong of me to do so but I do it nevertheless. I know it's an overreaction on my part. I know it stems from the love/hate relationship I've had with sex and my own desires or more accurately, their lack thereof. I don't want to feel obligated to continue to provide anything when my desire wanes (as I know it will, it always has) and I know that no matter what any of them say, it all comes down to that eventually. Most relationships are obligations, an unspoken contract if not a spoken, sign-on-the-dotted-line one -- "I'll provide the security you want, you provide the continual sex that I want." It is as simple as that.

Yet I don't know if I can go through life without having any relationships. I don't know that I'm the type of woman that can find satisfaction without forging a deep connection with someone. I should be, given my feelings on the matter -- I should try to be the type to enjoy only casual encounters or short-term, passionate relationships, fleeing when the boredom or the obligation sets in. I want to be, I know I need to be! But wanting and being able to are not the same. I don't think I could be even if I tried. I'm not sure of that yet, or course -- I haven't found someone like that yet -- so maybe it's possible with the right guy, I don't know.

Then there's the whole thing of my feelings getting involved. I find myself falling for a man, imagining something longterm, imagining it would be "different" with him, forgetting that eventually what I feel will fade as the obligations and realities set in. You see, I want to be someone special, not everyday, not just a fuck. I need to be respected as well as desired. I want a man consumed with me but I want the trust and love and support. I want all that just like everyone else does.

And we come to my ultimate Catch-22, the one I can't seem to figure out how to resolve to my satisfaction. Any relationship I try to forge in the future will be subject to this same simple rule: this deep connection I long for has to come with a long-term sexual obligation. It has to in order for the other person to flourish within it. This I know. So what are my choices? Refuse to do it and lose the other person because they would not be able to feel loved and needed and desired, as is their right. Or sit silently, continue to do it even when my desire fades? Only resentment and pain lies down that path, I've been there and done that. It was how I lost my marriage.

Catch-22.

Holy shit, am I ever fucked up.

((Song: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/TheReflex.html ))

Games People Play

I've had a couple of my friends, as well as stbx a few weeks back, ask when I'm going to get back into the dating game.

I suppose the question is warranted. After all, stbx originally thought I was leaving him because I wanted new blood, fresh meat. He thought it was because I was bored with him and needed a new man. I know he realizes now that was not the case, but it was what he thought.

I gave myself a year and I told him so when I left. I still mean it now. It's not even been six months since I left the house I shared with my family. My eyes brim with tears when I think about that and that emotional reaction tells me I am so not ready to date. I'm not in the right mental frame of mind. I still feel like the place where I am, is not home.

Besides, I'm 40. I'm getting older. I'm not an unattractive woman but I haven't ever been the type of woman men walk up to and ask out. Matter of fact, that's never happened to me at all. Ever. But even that is not insurmountable. What is worse is that statistically, the odds are not in my favor. At this stage of the game, men have the edge.

Dating -- or more accurately mating -- is like a pendulum.

Women in their 20's have the largest pool of men to pull from. Guys their own age, guys in their 30's, even their 40's. Hell, they could date a 60-yr old if they wanted to! I don't even need to explain the why of this.

But the pendulum swings when you're my age and heads toward the male side of the spectrum.
For a 20-yr old man, his pool of women includes women his own age and might include the 30-something woman but with some exceptions, that's about the extent of it. But by the time he's in his 40s and 50s his pool of available women has expanded from their 20s through well into their 60s!

So the moral of my story? When you get to be a woman my age, your dating pool becomes less of an Olympic-sized swimming pool and more of a wading pool. Is it any wonder why I don't care to date? Guess I'm just not feeling all that competitive lately.


((Song: "Games People Play" by the Alan Parsons Project. Lyrics here:
http://www.theavenueonline.info/site3/lyrics/gameplay.htm ))

I Am At Peace, I Know What It Is That I Must Do

I spent the weekend with my kiddo and threw a Halloween party for her and her friends as well as a few of mine. I cooked like a madwoman -- made brain dip, severed intestines, black spider spaghetti and finger cookies and kitty litter cake for dessert. It was a lot of fun but next year the menu will be streamlined so I won't be so tired that I can't really enjoy the party.

I was taking the kiddo back home to her dad's house last night when I finally saw Yo from a distance -- she was driving away from stbx's house just as the kiddo and I were pulling around the corner. She was facing me and waved to the kiddo and the kiddo waved back at her. She's a mousy little thing. Ha! I wonder what she thought of me.

I went inside, stbx offered me some tea and we began to talk. We talked about any number of subjects but eventually got around to Yo. We talked a bit about her but stbx let me know that I happened to be quite the subject of conversations between them. He told her that I was his dearest friend and she said that it bothered her a little that should the two of them have problems, that he would come to me to discuss them. He pointed out that she had a male friend that she talks to now that she used to be in a relationship with and how was that any different?

I smiled and silently marveled at how stupid boys are. Of course it's different! Yo and her ex boyfriend weren't married for 17 years or shared a life and a child. He might try to assure her that his relationship with me and his relationship with her are in different little boxes, but they aren't. She's aware that there are three people in her burgeoning relationship every bit as much as I knew, 20 years ago, that my first lover's wife was in our relationship. Yo knows how deep my reach goes even if stbx doesn't.

Funny thing. My experience back then is giving me what I need now to understand what's going on here in ways that given Yo's age, she just can't know. I ended up leaving my first lover because I knew deep down he wasn't ready for me. I wonder if she'll figure that out in time too.

Anyway, I asked stbx a question. It was the sort of question that I knew would cut that last umbilical cord between us and once and for all define whether we could ever rebuild our relationship as a couple. I asked it because I've had some difficulties letting go recently, thinking that there might be some way to salvage the "us" that's been a part of my life for so long. Having these fantasies has really been making me feel depressed. I didn't want to leave it and wonder about the what-if's. I had to know for sure.

So I asked him if he would be able to consider a poly/open sort of lifestyle. For a while now I'd had this scenario rolling around in the back of my head about how we could find another way to be together, one in which I wouldn't have to sacrifice him or all the many deep and meaningful layers of our years together. So I presented it to him: keep Yo around, I'd accept her, we'd establish new ground rules. His answer -- which was no, he was a one-woman man -- told me everything I'd needed to hear. I don't know if this makes any sense, but though my internal dialouge had already supplied me with the answer he gave me, I needed to ask it and hear his response to it. Out loud. He needed to give my instinct that external validation.

I felt a real sense of peace when I walked out his door.


((Song: "We Know Where You Sleep" by the Paper Chase. ))

And A Time For Every Purpose

Inspired by a blog entry I read over at Under the Palms (see sidebar):

I was reading Under The Palm's latest blog today and in it she speaks about reconnecting. That subject has been resonating with me recently as well so I guess I'll just put our similar mental wavelengths down to synchronicity.

And oh before I go any further, check out http://www.x365.org/. I want to do that soon. I don't think I'll post it here as it has real names and such attached but I'd like to do it for my own benefit.

Anyway.

I've been struggling lately. First off, October is a hard month for me. So many memories are attached to this month and it's hard to shake those.

Since beginning these steps toward my new life I've been thinking a lot about the people that I have in my old one and where they're going to fit or if they even still do. They haven't changed, but I am in the process of doing so. I sit and think sometimes about what my life will look like on the other side when I've finished figuring all this out.

I've been struggling for a few hours now, editing and re-editing this piece and trying so hard to catch just the right essence of what I'm trying to say. But I'm tired and cranky and it's late and I'm done trying to be eloquent. I'll just say it as best as I'm able.

The people I call friends will surely have their patiences tried in the next year or so with me. I swing wildly from needing them around me to pushing them away. I go from relishing their presences and being comforted in the knowledge that they know me, know what I'm experiencing, and will excuse me, to wanting them all to just be different people and stop pretending like it is twenty years ago. God, we are all heavy under the weight of all the years. We can't go back and undo any of it, make it different, make us different.

And then I think, it is not them. It is me. I am the one that feels all this weight. It is my burden that blurs my sight. I am the one that wishes she were someone else.

I thought my depression had lifted after liberating myself. But now I question that. I expected to be alone, and to be lonely, but I didn't expect all the things that I enjoyed when I was married to be so incredibly boring and empty when I wasn't. The irony is staggering. I can do all the things I desperately wanted to do and now that I can, I find them stultifyingly boring. I am wondering about this simple truth: how much of what I wanted to do, what gave me joy and made me feel in control when I was married, was there just because I couldn't do any of it?

I've spoken a bit to BiB. You'd think it would mean something but I don't think it does; it might just be polite noises and empty words. But it feeds us both somehow. I don't think he's immune to it any more than I am. I learned over the weekend that he was hurt too and that his memory of it has spanned the last few years. Damn it all, if I knew the magic formula to reconnect with him! I wonder how much I would sell or give to know it. There is no other frustration quite so agonizing as that which is borne out of futility.

I tell myself that there is a time and a place for all things. I can't tell myself anything different and still be able to make sense of it.

I continue speaking to Grey. He's called me at least twice a week for the last month or so and it's been lovely. The reconnection I yearn for from BiB, I am reaping in spades with Grey. I was typing this and wondering why I hadn't heard from him and then happened to look at my phone and then there it was -- a missed call with his name attached, from when I had grabbed a quick shower. It made me smile.

I try to keep perspective. I know that this apathy will pass. I know that I told myself months ago that I should keep my head no matter what path my heart wants to take. But damn, the path I'm on seems so empty and cold and meaningless.


((Song: "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds. Lyrics here:
http://www.bluesforpeace.com/lyrics/turn-turn-turn.htm ))

Okay My Reasoning Might Be Clouded By The Sun

We all have these internal dialogues going on in our heads, about everything, not just body image or whatever. Mine's defeatist. Mine whispers, "you've gained some of the weight back you lost last year though you told yourself you wouldn't. You can say you'll do something about it but you don't. You know you won't. You know you'll say it but never do it, so why bother?"

This sort of thing makes me feel helpless.....adrift. I find myself slipping into lassitude no matter how many times I've conquered things in my life that I need to, how many times I've stood up and done the hard thing even though it hurt, and how many times I've felt the rewarding rush of pride and esteem from my victories. You'd think the rememberence of those feelings would spur me into action. You'd think.

I admire those go-to-it sorts. I do. But if I'm honest, brutally so, I also envy them and resent them. Why? Because I compare myself to them and I always pull up short. That sort of feeling should make me want to rise to their level.

Instead that whispering voice -- that voice I try like hell not to listen to, that Dark Passenger -- tells me that if something is inevitable, there is no use in fighting it. Just give up because you can't win anyway.......and go find something else.

((Song: "New Religion" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/NewReligion.html ))

A Constant Battle for the Ultimate State of Control

When I say the word “forbidden,” what does it conjure up in your head?

If you’re like most people – well, if you’re like me, anyway – the first thing you start thinking about is all sorts of naughty things. Specifically things you can’t or wouldn’t do. Deviant behaviors. Kinky sex.

Maybe then you think about laws you can’t break, things you think but can’t say (like what the hell is your friend thinking wearing those jeans or that your boss is an asshole) and places you can’t go.

Whatever you think about, the word’s underlying implication is wrong or bad. Forbidden means no.

Why, then, do people risk what they risk for a taste of what is forbidden? Why do they risk heaven and hell, or even everything they have and love, for it? What is it about the human condition that urges us to want that which we cannot have? Why is it, that once we are told something is off-limits, we want it all the more?

It could be argued that this desire is part of the idea of manifest destiny. A desire to strive towards that which we do not have and conquer it. Without the desire to explore what was deemed unattainable we would have been content to crouch in our caves and let life pass us by. No, this desire is part of our path, our natural evolution. Without it we might have become another closed chapter in the evolutionary novel.

I think it’s more about the urge to be self-contained, apart from everyone and everything else. It is such a primal urge, every bit as strong as the need to bond. We need to feel bonded to others, yes, but we also need to bond to ourselves. It’s a matter of trust, really. Self-trust.

Stifling this urge is encouraged in our society, though. It’s not really talked about much; in fact it’s quite the opposite. The psychobabble circus clowns and worried parents talk a blue streak about making sure we all have good self-esteem and the chance to express who we really are. We all pay lip service to self-expression – and don’t tell me you don’t, because you do! -- but when it comes down to that moment where you find yourself doing something that you know society “forbids,” somewhere deep down in your soul you feel angry or guilty or even ashamed. You aren’t really angry at society so much as you’re angry at yourself for allowing it to insinuate itself and its values that deeply into your psyche. That anger causes a lot of people to act out. Do more, faster! Wilder! Crazier! Just for spite. Just because everyone says they aren’t supposed to.

When something is forbidden, it seems that much more attractive -- even if it isn’t. How many times in your life have you attained something you thought was unattainable, or done something you hardly believed yourself capable of? How many times have you indulged in behaviors that you desperately desired, only to find their taste over time was not as sweet? And then, how many other times did you do something because you wanted to want to, not because you really did?

It’s interesting, isn’t it? Maybe a big part of one of the great lessons in life – that of attaining wisdom -- is learning to distinguish the difference between pursuing the forbidden because it titillates, and pursuing it because it is an honest desire devoid of predjudices. Choosing to understand and more importantly accept the why statements behind your behavior. And doing nothing that contradicts those why’s. Contradict your true feelings and beliefs – even if at heart you are a totally pedestrian joe and you really wished to be some wild deviant child that snubs his nose at convention -- and you will not be able to live at peace. It is as simple as that.

The forbidden, then, is less of an opposite reaction and more of an exploratory one. To some it represents excitement and release, to others fear and anarchy.

Guess which one I fall under?


(Song: "A Matter of Trust" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/discography/AMatterOfTrust.html ))

Let Me Wander Over Yonder

V and I have had a series of conversations that have been percolating in my mind of late. In attempting to illuminate the female to him -- her mind, her heart, her rituals, her relationships with friends and lovers, her communication styles -- I've found that I've shone a light on a few of my own hidden little creatures. Even though I fear my student is deaf, dumb and blind and I grow increasingly aware of the futility of my efforts, I keep plugging away. If nothing else, finding these hidden things within myself is worth all the rest of it. It's an unforeseen but wholly delightful benefit of my teaching.

So I've been thinking about fences.

So much in life is about the "can"s and the "cannot"s -- fence words. It's not really as much about the "will"s and "won't"s because what people will and won't do is so very flexible. The "will"s and "won't"s are limits that spring from within each person so they're personal. They stretch and change with age and wisdom and circumstance. No, the "can"s and "cannot"s are different because they spring from without. They are imposed, not generated....accepted, not self-determined.

When you meet someone and you enmesh your life with theirs it is such an incredible ride. You plumb their depths -- physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally -- and you grow to learn their limits and biases and needs and vulnerabilities. You become something else together and not only you by yourself. You give birth to something, or create it. That process satisfies just about every human need that can be quantified.

Somewhere along the way you learn that with this new little creation come rules that must be followed to keep the whole viable and the other half secure. Often these rules are never spoken but simply understood. Each part of the whole learns of the soft vulnerable underbelly of its other half, the sensitive places where even the lightest touch may cause revolt. It's the classic give and take. One half needs more emotional space. The other half needs more physical gratification.

Most of the time these various needs can be adjusted to but every so often -- and more often than most like to admit -- one part may want to explore and continue to grow, or actually does grow and change, and the other part may need to freeze time and remain the way things were for all eternity. What happens when this comes to a head? How does this get resolved?

If one part of the whole "will" sacrifice their desire then a simple solution is found. If the other "won't" it becomes the decision of the other part to accept that. As said before, the desire to do something is an internal and flexible force. But when growth in a relationship is stalled because one part of the whole knows that the other will not allow for growth and imposes that rule upon the whole it becomes you "cannot." No more give and take.

Unless a person willingly sacrifices a desire or a need it never goes away. When the words go from "will" and "won't" and become "can" or "cannot" -- an external imposition -- a subtle power struggle between the parts of the whole ensues. Once begun, it is rarely stopped. It becomes a battle to win with one's independence and personal growth as the stakes. It becomes a battle that is an internal one as well as an external one because the party fighting that battle is well aware that fighting it risks everything. On the one hand, acceding to the other's demands because you value them and the whole that was created together -- and on the other realizing that to accede stunts its continued growth or renders the whole unrecognizable....a fake. No longer that which could be depended upon.

I have wondered if much of the conflict in relationships is because of the "can"s and the "cannot"s. The desire of one half to possess, control, guide or limit the other half. To keep what is known and comfortable over what is unknown and frightening. To reduce risk. To stunt growth due to fear or anger or any one of any number of paralyzing emotions.

When often, permission is the only key. The only way to open that fence. To say to the other half....you "can." Whatever it is that you feel you "cannot" because of what the whole was or used to be? You "can."

And more often than not, they won't. They just needed to know that they could.


((Song: "Don't Fence Me In" by Bing Crosby. Lyrics here:
http://www.mathematik.uni-ulm.de/paul/lyrics/bingcrosby/dontfe~1.html ))

We Know You, They Know Me

Carl Jung identified something that he called the concept of synchronicity -- an acausal principle, whereas there are effects without causes. Things seemingly random and unique, independent of each other, but connected somehow. I think I've been experiencing just such a synchronicity lately in my friendships. Some of them seem to be changing or expanding or growing, all in different ways, but all in the space of just a few days. I cannot help but feel these events are connected although there is really no probable way that they are.

I spoke about a month ago about the burgeoning friendship between my stbx and myself. We spent most of the day together today sitting in front of my computer, drawing up the divorce petition and agreement. What a strange sense of comfortableness and camraderie there was between us as we talked through everything. Not one cross word or random negative feeling to pollute anything. Afterward we took the kiddo with us to visit my parents and sat there with them laughing and talking, just like we used to do. And as I drove home with stbx in the backseat and kiddo in the front I found myself thinking that it was really incredible that we had not lost the ability to feel like a family even though we may have redefined what that meant. Blessings counted.

I spoke a few days ago about Grey. I haven't spoken to him since in any depth -- we briefly touched base on Friday about spending some time together later next month -- but the awkwardness with which we both spoke during that call let me know that he would have rather been speaking to me alone. I wished he had been, for given some of the issues that he is currently dealing with he could use the listening ear. I do wish I could talk to him more often than I do.

Then there was the friend of mine that I learned something new about-- Irish. We were meant to speak together on Thursday afternoon but I have not heard from him since Wednesday afternoon. I grow increasingly concerned about him; it is unlike him to do something like this. I'm worried and I hope he's all right. I hope he'll be around in the morning and I can get some resolution here. It is a shame we weren't able to speak to each other.

And then, lastly, there is HD. After months of barely speaking due to circumstances beyond our control -- geographical ones mostly -- I quite randomly bumped into him this weekend. I'd meant to speak of him here soon and had been thinking of him for the last few days. So I have to think it was more than coincidental that I should run into him like that because it was almost as if I'd conjured him up!

But anyway we spoke, quickly falling back into our comfortable companionship, catching up on each other's lives, a smile on my face the whole time. HD has a natural charisma and his presence is palpable -- he embeds so much personality in everything he says even though it's only words on a screen. If I were to describe him, I'd have to say first that he is the most curious person I think I've ever met. Curious about everything in life, picking apart everything, rubbing the underbelly of all things. That's him. He isn't satisfied with the broad generalities and he doesn't concern himself with propriety when his curiosity is aroused and he knows the person he's speaking to won't be offended by his probes. He is nothing if not a social and psychological coroner, wanting to see, feel, taste and touch every sinew that ties someone together. He is sensuality personified and one of the sexiest men I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I can't wait to meet him face to face one day. I know it'll happen, it's inevitable.

Our friendship is in a state of flux right now. I welcome it. Change is good. He can teach me a lot and I'm ready to learn. I know I've taught him some things; he once told me that if he hadn't met me his life might be a lot different than it currently is. I think that's true and I hope I haven't led him astray.

And here I'd meant my entry to be about why love and sex were fundamentally opposed forces. I'll speak of that too, soon. But synchronicity spoke and I had to answer.

((Song: "Synchronicity I" by the Police. Lyrics here: http://www.scarlet.nl/~gugten/lyric05.htm ))

I've Known You For A Long Time

Getting to know someone is an intimately fluid process. There is a dynamic that forms between two people as they begin to forge whatever sort of relationship they will eventually grow to have.

Some people start spilling their deepest darkest selves from the moment they meet someone they want to get to know, believing closeness and trust is only built by exposing themselves and being vulnerable. Others share in bursts and then withdraw into silence, frightened by their momentary spontaneity. Still others exercise caution, choosing instead to observe and listen. We each follow our own rhythm, designed in part by the hardwiring of our birth and finely tuned by our desires and experiences.

And so it happens that what takes some people three months, can take others three years. Or sometimes it's never. Fast or slow, it's a journey. Sometimes you meet someone that initially grates but somehow you manage to scratch beneath the surface and find that hidden gold. Sometimes what you thought was gold was only pyrite. And sometimes a relationship fits perfectly until, with the passing of time, it becomes tighter with age like a pair of jeans after one meal too many. It just doesn't feel right any longer and something's got to be taken out.

It's always interesting when you're in one of these relationships......life isn't really life without them. I don't just mean relationships of the romantic variety, though those are included of course. I mean relationships. Daughter. Mother. Friend. Enemy. Coworker. Acquaintance. Next-door neighbor. Anything that causes one life to interact with another life. You get into them, you get out of them, sometimes with grace and sometimes with callousness. The relationships we ignore, embrace, nuture, accept or choose give life drama and fullness of a sort that we human beings simply cannot live without. I often think that no matter what anyone says about wishing for a quiet life, the true fulfillment of that wish would come at a high price. You would be alone, in every sense of that word. Not for me. I want those that I have around me to give me the entirety of human experience. It's what I am here for.

I write this because a friend of mine, one I've known for years, suddenly became someone else behind all the other things that I am sure about him. I felt a sense of such smallness when I realized it had been something I could have simply asked about if I had not been so selfishly concerned with my own little world. He told me he'd made the conscious choice to remain silent until now and while a part of me was injured, more of me realized the wisdom that he exercised in his life....the mistakes he makes do teach him. I feel a new sense of discovery in my relationship with him and because of this, he and I have new paths to walk down together now. I can't wait!

((Song: "Propinquity(I've Just Begun To Care)" by Michael Nesmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.morethanweimagine.com/nevfighter/propinquity.html ))

I Just Want To Say Hello Again

With the exception of BFF and Reb and two other girls (Queen and Cat) most of my friends are men. I had a group of friends that I got to know when they were 17-18 and I was 21. I'm 40 now and all of them are still my friends. I'll talk about all of these people in another entry.

Last night I got a call from an old friend -- one of those who is a longer-standing friend than the group I mentioned above. I met him when he was 11 and he's now in his late 30s. I'll call him Grey.

Grey and I have had a bumpy ride. We met as children and knew ~of~ each other for some years. After a time he moved away with his family and I went my own way as well. He moved back when he got out of high school and we were introduced again.

We've spent the intervening years from then to now in various stages of friendship. We were close when we all hung out together during our college years. I married, so did he, he moved off, and we began to drift apart in the way of people whose lives move onto different paths. We would talk and keep in touch, sure, but then go through dry spells. Eventually we grew closer again and then a few years later abruptly we just stopped being friends. It was painful at the time and we weren't friends for a while. Then he came back a few years ago and apologized, and I accepted. There was a few awkward years full of questions and explanations, and eggshell moments. And here we are now. I am glad to call him friend again. I sure had missed him.

So anyway, Grey and I had a long talk, well over an hour. It was a very nice one, filled with moments of heavy and moments of light. For the most part our conversation -- not the words themselves but the echoes behind them -- filled me with warmth. I marvelled that so much had passed between us and that its poison had lost its sting, leaving only its scar behind. And that the scar, now healed, has left us stronger. We've passed through that gauntlet, you see. We know we can survive.

That thought gives me so much hope.


((Song: "My Sacrifice" by Creed. Lyrics here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/creed/mysacrifice.html ))

And Isn't It Ironic...Dontcha Think?

I'm sure everyone has noticed my new sidebar by now -- "The Players In My Drama." I'd meant to do that for a long time and had never been able to remember it long enough to sit down and do it.

Anyway, I was proud of remembering and doing it so I mentioned it to V. I figured he'd appreciate it as he was mentioned in it, and he does love to be noticed! So I showed off all my l33t html skillz (hah!), he went to sit down, and I kept plunking away at my keyboard.

A few minutes later he called in from the living room. "Hey! What did you call BiB?"

I sat there for a moment, quite sure I had a holy shit look on my face. Finally I said, "Actually? I'd forgotten to include him at all."

I started laughing. This can only be an improvement, right?


((Song: "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette. Lyrics here: http://www.alanis-morissette.com/lyrics/jlp.html#Ironic ))

This Doesn't Have to Be Anything at All

Couldn't be bothered to blog for a bit, but I'm back. Isn't everyone thrilled?

I'm meeting kiddo after work today for coffee. I'm looking forward to the time I'll get to spend with even though it often seems like a superhuman effort to get her to open up and talk to me. We can talk easier over IMs (as I mentioned recently) but I also want to be able to talk face to face. I want to know what's going on in her life and the only way I'll be able to do that is to keep the lines of communication open. I know this seems like common sense -- and it is! -- but this is my daughter we're talking about here. She's the consummate closed door.

There's one other thing I'm a bit conflicted about, something that to be honest I didn't think I'd have to deal with quite yet. I've been been trying to sort out my feelings about it so that when it does eventually come to a point where I'll need to address it verbally, I'll be able to do so with confidence. So here's the thing: if you'll recall my stbx was seeing a woman that I spoke about briefly a week or so ago. I learned this past weekend that she is 22 years old and has a 3 yr old son! My stbx said that he had dialed their relationship back to that of friends but that she (I'll call her Yo from now on) had been spending some time with my kiddo, taking her to the mall on one occasion and taking her out to eat at an Italian place on another.

Now one might think that I would have issues with this because of some misplaced idea that a young girl is everything that I am not, that he's replacing me, etc. These things aren't what's bothering me. I'm well aware that the idea that such a young woman can find him attractive at his age is very intoxicating to him. I know he feels rejected and that this is a good pet to his self-esteem. I'm even pleased that he's getting those good feelings because he needs them to help him make moves forward in his life. I don't begrudge him his needs and wants and I don't feel he's disrespecting me in the least. And that's the honest truth.

However, there's a bigger part of me that feels very vindicated. Throughout the years he's looked down his nose at how people were so silly for getting themselves into obviously questionable situations and for being unable to use reason to determine what another's motives are. Yet here he is in one of these situations with a young girl who has a young child, who is sexually aggressive and probably more experienced than he is, and who almost certainly finds him attractive more for what he represents to her than for his own personality. So when push comes to shove he's not above stupidity and certainly not above all the rest of us plebes that succumb to impulse. I am strangely comforted by this. I hope it doesn't turn out badly for him -- not at all! -- but I do hope he learns the lesson of humility. That is one lesson he really does need to learn.

All that is amusing to me but I'm less concerned with his personal life (I hope he has a good one) than with how what he does -- and does so quickly -- might impact my child. In other words it might have been a good idea for him to remain alone for a longer amount of time instead of allowing someone to move into the family unit with such speed, even if it is under the guise of friends. My daughter isn't that stupid -- she sees. And Yo? Obviously Yo is smart. She's trying to get to know my kiddo and her efforts have paid off; he told me that her attempts have impressed him. He even called her "mature," the poor deluded man. Hah! Anyway, our kiddo is his vulnerable spot right now and she's not an idiot. She's exploiting it.

I could have said all the above to him but I chose not to though I know he saw some of my thoughts on my face. I did tell him he needed to be careful and pointed out that he might be acting in haste. He expressed some thoughts that were along those lines but at the same time he expressed others (like asking others he knew in May/December relationships how they managed the gap) that told me he was contemplating things with Yo a bit more deeply than he let on. So while he said he backed her off into the "friends" place and isn't introducing any more physical stuff, he's kidding himself. All that is simply a matter of time and probably a smaller amount of time than he thinks.

My major concern here, though, is my kiddo. I want to talk to her about her life but I won't sit there and milk her for information. I know that I should broach the subject at least so that she doesn't make her feel like she's got to constantly wonder what to hide from mom about dad and what to hide from dad about mom. I suppose I could ask her how she liked spending time with Yo, what they did at the mall and whatnot, but I'm unsure at this point about how to ask it so that it seems casual and comfortable and not a grilling session. I need to get a handle on what I feel about this before bringing it into a conversation with kiddo.

I didn't think I'd have to deal with this quite this fast so I hadn't factored this sort of situation into my thoughts about the divorce. I had assumed that stbx would either a) remain alone for a while to gain equilibrium or b) carry on something discreet without involving kiddo. I hadn't counted on this third option to be a reality for some time yet.

I'm feeling some jealousy about this -- "this" being Yo's buddy-buddy sort of attempt to get into my kid's good graces. It all stems from my own feelings of insecurity. I know that kiddo and I have a distant sort of relationship even if stbx says things like "she's got a relationship with you that I don't have" and "she depends on you even if she doesn't let you know" and "no other woman will ever be able to replace you." I know, rationally, that these things are all true. But how do you tell that to your heart when I remember when she was 10-12 yrs old and begging me to spend time with her and pay attention to her and instead I ignored her because I was ass-deep in a video game to escape my relationship troubles? And when finally, face blank and eyes empty, she stopped asking? Is it partly my fault that she is the way she is?

Maybe someday I'll escape the guilt of that, and that'll probably only be when she absolves me of it. Until then I'll have to carry it with me and try like hell to fight my own demons, the one on the right that wants to try to fix it and the one on the left that tells me its useless because she doesn't care enough to get it fixed at all.

Jealousy, yes indeed, because Yo doesn't have all this shit to surmount. She can be cool and fun and why not? There are only 8 years between them! But I can choose how to respond to this and for now I'm going to keep it in its proper perspective and just keep spending time with kiddo and keep being her mom. It's all I can do.


((Song: "Stop Dragging My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty. Lyrics here:
http://www.nicksfix.com/stopdrag.htm ))

Ain't No Law Against It Yet

My kiddo and I were talking online last night. I love talking to her on instant messenger programs; she and I communicate so much better online than in person or on the phone. I suspect it's because she doesn't have to worry about meeting my eyes, monitoring her tone of voice, or risking an accidental eye roll that I may interpret as disrespectful or something. Whatever works, I say.

So last night I was telling her about my trip out of town this weekend and meeting a girl (well, young woman) who had two moms. Kiddo thought this was totally cool and expressed a wish that she had two moms or two dads. I laughed and told her that I was sorry I couldn't fulfill that particular wish because I simply liked boys too much. I told her more about my meeting with this young woman, whose moms had made a documentary called the "Dildo Diaries," which all interested parties can read about right here.

Extrapolated, the documentary concerns a absolutely archaic section of the Texas Penal Code (yeah, pun definitely not intended.) Section 43.23 is as follows: "A person commits an offense if he ... possesses with intent to wholesale promote any obscene material or obscene device. A person who possesses six or more obscene devices ... is presumed to possess them with intent to promote the same."

I was telling my kiddo about this and and at one point she made me spit out my tea with her witty comeback. Damn, but my kid is quick! I'm so proud!!!

Anyway, our conversation:

Me: Texas doesn't allow any more than 6 dildos or else you're a felon! That obviously targets women because hello, men wouldn't have them to actually use on a regular basis. And we can't have our women replacing men with batteries, now can we? No way, no sir! Not in Texas!

Kiddo: Yeah, mom. I can imagine it now. The dildo police at your door, guns drawn, yelling "Ma'am? Ma'am? PUT.....the dildo......ON THE FLOOR!"


And don't think I won't wax very poetic about this subject in the near future. All funnies aside, this ridiculous fucking law really chaps my ass.


((Song: "she Bop" by Cyndi Lauper. Lyrics here:
http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/cyndi_lauper/she_bop.html ))

It's Always Me That Ends Up Getting Wet

I'm headed out of town for the long Labor Day weekend, I'll be attending a barbecue hosted by some of the people that play on my online RPG. I'm looking forward to it for the most part. It is a bit ironic that I'm going, seeing as I am in the process of playing out the plotline that will ultimately result in my character's death. I've played there for over 3 years now and it is where I met a number of good friends, including BiB. Some of the others I'll no doubt talk about here on occasion as well -- Irish, and HD, and RiG -- but those are for another time. At least most of them are, for I'll be speaking of Irish here in just a minute.

Anyway, about my retirement. I've resisted it for some time but with the divorce and all the other changes in my life, I just figured one more change wasn't any big deal. It was well past high time to close that chapter. But who knows, I might go back in after a while, sign up again under a new name, pick a new person to play. Perhaps my disillusionment isn't so much about the game as it was about that particular character. After playing her last night, it certainly seems so. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Another blogger I read was talking about her List, a list of all the sex partners she's ever had. It made me do a quick mental tab of all of mine. Not nearly as many as a lot of the other commenters have, believe me. I have a lot to catch up on. Hah!

Speaking of, I've been noticing something that's been disturbing me. I'm hoping it's due to a number of outside forces like stress and all, but that's never seemed to put me out in this manner before. Given all my years of sexual problems and pain, about the only way I enjoyed sex was solo -- i.e., masturbation. Why would this sort of sex appeal to me more than the garden, two-person sharing variety? Easy. I didn't have to worry about what that nice little buzzing thing was thinking or if I'd injure its ego or hurt its feelings. No one to worry about but me and me alone. Done? Great, turn it off! No kissing or cuddling or none of the how was it for you? or did I satisfy you? or sorry I couldn't have sex like a normal person. It was totally free of all the emotional baggage that came along with being with a real live man with a real live dick. Besides, my hormones -- or lack thereof due to my hysterectomy -- aren't given to maintaining a high level of arousal. That, and if it isn't new and exciting all my desire sort of dissolves as soon as I start getting the least worried about something in bed. All this is so tiring that I am just sick of it. Hence, a sweet little vibrator. It, and me, and no questions asked.

So lately I'm using the thing and I can't seem to work up any enthusiasm. It doesn't feel as good or it's not turning me on like normal, or something. Hells, I actually fell asleep doing it the other night! For the love of god! Maybe it's because it's the same old vibrator and now that I'm poor I can't get a nice one like this little sweetie here or for a twist off the beaten path, I'd not mind trying this. But really, I haven't a clue. I'm worried way more than I should be perhaps, but if I lose this aspect of my sexuality what will I be left with? Nothing. And that prospect isn't a good one at all.

I mentioned it to my friend Irish the other day in chat and this is what he had to say:

Me : And honestly, even when I'm doing myself it's taking longer and I'm not as interested. I can't figure it out.

Irish: hahaha, you have no idea how crazy that sounds. Maybe you just need to take yourself out to dinner and a movie before you make love to yourself? Put the romance back into it??

Me: Ha! I think if I dated myself, I'd have to dump me.

----

Yeah, I'd have to dump me.

Man, is this sad or what?


(Song: "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by the Police. Lyrics here: http://stingetc.com/lyrics/everylit.shtml ))

'Cause There's Beauty In The Breakdown

The last couple days have been really good ones for me. Life is evening out. I'm hoping this isn't something that will just pack up and move off in a few weeks; instead, I'm hoping it's decided to stay a while.

I enjoy reading other's blogs and am constantly amazed/overwhelmed/intimidated by some of what I see out there. I especially like reading those that manage to capture snippets of life and whirl them like tops until they come out snide or hilarious. The talent there is something I envy. Me? I'm just so absorbed in the details of my relationships lately that I'm like the proverbial broken record. I hope to find more to talk about someday than all this minutia. Don't I pay a therapist for all this bullshit? Oh, no, that was a few months ago. Hah!

This weekend I had dinner over at stbx's. He was out of sorts and I suspected it was because we were to talk more about the impending divorce but I learned it was something entirely different. I won't go into how he eventually chose to share what he shared with me, but it was due to a number of valid reasons. He had ended up attempting to become intimate with another woman, only to have his body play tricks upon him. This was the first time in his entire life that this had happened to him and he was very, very shaken by it.

I talked him through it -- I wasn't at all upset by his actions or his words (the fact that I wasn't was very, very telling about my feelings about him now) but I was concerned that his confidence had been shaken. It really bothered me to see him so unsure of himself. I said that I knew that it was one of those temporary things, and that his idea of sex had never been just to fuck. He wanted intimacy and when his heart and mind were in one place he'd be fine. It didn't mean he was a wimp, it meant he was an honest and decent man and not an asshole.

But I did tell him something I felt he needed to hear. Call me a bitch, but I'll readily admit a piece of me felt vindication. I hope it never happens to him again because I don't wish that upon him, but I was glad that it had! Oh yes indeed! And why? Because for the first time I was able to speak to him about my own feelings on that subject and use a point of reference that he was now intimately familiar with instead of thinking of me as the abnormality -- the freak.

So I said to him, "Now you can truly understand how I've felt for years because of my medical issues. You can truly empathize with the feeling of having your mind want to do something but your body simply won't and how that undermines your confidence at a deep level." I paused and then said, more quietly,"Look how this is bothering you, and this was just once. Now imagine if it happened over and over for years with people telling you it was all in your head. How long would you put yourself through it? When would you start avoiding it completely? When would you have enough?"

He nodded slowly and said he was sorry for all that he'd said and thought. I said thank you and we looked at each other with understanding. One more small piece of closure that I am extremely grateful for.

This morning I was getting ready for work and I thought about him. I am so happy that I've not lost the parts of him that I still love. I have so much to be thankful for. Even now, when we are going our separate ways, we have each other's back.

I'm glad I can talk to him, spend time with him, share thoughts and feelings with him. Make sure we're both okay. But I am soooooooo glad I do not have to climb into bed with him. There wasn't ever enough room; there was always him and me and this other nasty heavy thing that seemed to lay between us. I don't have to deal with that thing any longer, it's gone now.

Thank goodness.

Next time, maybe I can talk about change. Change is good!


((Song: "Let Go" by Frou Frou. Lyrics here: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/gardenstate/letgo.htm ))

Here's My Gift To You, Accept It

The dinner was not at all like my imagination pictured it. It felt like.......hm. I know this will sound silly, but it was like putting chocolate icing on a cake. It was like adding that final touch of sweetness to a perfectly baked confection. Making it whole.

We sat in the restaurant and talked for over an hour. He told me again about the value he placed on my friendship and my willingness to stay with it for years after we both knew that it wasn't the same. He said he felt at peace now, knowing that he was able to let go of all the resentment that he'd felt obligated to hold onto for his pride's sake. He said he knew that his pride was standing in the way of resolution and risking the loss of all that he still had. He said he might marry again but that any woman he met would have to be able to deal with me in his life as the sort of close friend that only a lifetime can earn.

He thanked me for laying all our issues aside when he was injured in a motorcycle accident last year and being there for him, and that doing so was one of the things that showed him what sort of woman I was. We spoke about the choices we are making now -- he said that my choice to risk my relationship with my daughter and putting myself into my now-precarious financial situation showed him how important doing the right thing was to me; that I was not just talking the talk but walking the walk. He said he had such admiration for me because of that.

He told me we were doing the right thing. That he was okay. And I could see the truth of all of that in his eyes. He did give me some peace. He even laughed and said, "Who knows? When we're in our 60s and all dried up, maybe we'll marry again."

I told him he was the love of my life. Though I've had others, some stronger and more passionate, those are baby-loves......adolescent ones, not allowed to blossom into full maturity. My love for him was the only one that became an adult. I don't regret a thing.

We both had tears in our eyes at points. He held my hand on occasion. We stood when it was time to go and hugged and kissed cheeks. We left it like we went into it -- with love.

My stbx is such an incredible man. I was so lucky to call him husband. I am equally lucky to still call him friend.


((Song: "Gift" by Rocco Deluca and the Burden. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/roccodelucatheburden/gift.html ))

Now I Must Go.....and Let Go

I meet stbx for dinner tonight at a local restaurant. I'm to bring all the divorce forms and we're planning to eat and talk over things. He told me he's saved enough money now to do this and that we need to go ahead and get things squared away.

I should be happy, right? Or relieved, at least?

The ties -- however soft they have always rested upon my wrists -- are about to be loosed and my freedom is near at hand. It is what these last two years have slowly and inexorably moved towards. I know that I am making the only decision I can given all the variables. I know that even if I stayed I would not be the woman he wants me to be. I would be all right for a few years and then, as it has been since the beginning, I would become distant, angry, resentful, unresponsive to his overtures, unappreciative. I would refuse to be intimate with him and find no desire for him as a wife should have for her husband in my heart. I would only find friendship, regard, companionship. I would torture him as he tries to make me happy and cannot.

All these things I ~know~ to be true. And yet I hesitate. Now that the time is here, my heart is hurting. Yes, my wrists might be unlocked and my true nature allowed to breathe. I will no longer cause any hurt to him. I am doing ~good~ for him and for me. But the deep needy part of me is screaming at me to grab hold of all the comfort and security and not let go. It is asking me, "What the fuck are you doing?"

God, I want to stop this. I want to go back. I want to change. I want to say that I can.

But I can't. I know better, finally. I owe this to the both of us, to stop the merry go round. So no matter what, this will be done. It must.


((Song: "Silver Moon" by Michael Nesmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.morethanweimagine.com/loose/silver_moon.html ))

And For A Sec I Thought I Sounded Sweet, But Sure Enough....

Is this, and will this be, the story of the rest of my life?

I don't know.

--------

I could stay awhile
But sooner or later I'll break your smile
And I can tell a joke
But one of these days I'm bound to choke
And we might start to kiss
But I feel like I can't go through with this
And I bet we could build a home
But I know the right thing for me to do is to leave you alone

I'm beginning to like you
So you probably won't get what I'm going to do.
I'm walking away from you
It probably don't make no sense to you.
But I'm trying to save you
From all of the things that I'll probably say or do.

You'll probably call me a fool
And say I'm doing exactly what a coward would do.
And I'm beginning to like you
It's a shame, what a lame way to live
But what can I do?

Well I hope you appreciate what I do...
I'm a martyr for my love for you.


(Song: "I'm A Martyr For My Love For You" by the White Stripes. Lyrics here:
http://www.whitestripes.com/lo-fi/discs.html?type=albums&release=1&track=11 ))

Will You Ever Win...

I'm back from my out of town trip. I enjoyed the time with my brother and sister-in-law. Those two are made for each other and it makes me smile to see their relationship. It's definitely not the norm, as my brother is more than a little misanthropic. Somehow, though, they make it work. It gives me hope -- however jaded I happen to be right now -- that there is indeed someone for everyone.

While out of town, stbx* called. He wanted to tell me something, he said; get some things off his chest. So I settled down to listen.

I won't go into all of the details about what was said. Summarized, he told me that for the last few years he's held varying degrees of resentment towards me for a number of reasons that run the gamut from my isolationist attitude to my chilly demeanor to treating him like a friend and not a lover. He didn't have to be specific, as I easily filled in all he'd left blank. He said that he had been waking up the last couple mornings thinking about me and wondering why he was doing so -- even berating himself for doing so -- but finally he decided to confront the reasons why he was. He said that when he did, he found that the only thing he wanted to do was accept the fact that I did what was best, that he knew it and had just kept trying to refuse to admit that he knew I'd done the hard thing but the only thing.

He said he thought I was a fantastic person. He said he respected my strength and my honesty, and my ability to look at what we were straight in the face and state that it wasn't what it had been any longer. He said he valued our friendship -- which was what it was at the beginning -- and that he wished to keep that strong. He said that we'd had a wonderful marriage and a wonderful life and a wonderful daughter and he didn't regret any of it.

He said he wanted me to know that I needn't feel any guilt about hurting him, nor should I carry any of it any more. He didn't want me to feel like the bad guy. He wanted me to know that he still loved me and always would, but that he felt like it would change into the sort of love that we would be able to carry forward. He told me what he told me so that I would not hurt so bad at causing so much hurt.

What a remarkable human being he is, to do this sort of thing for the one that left you behind. How lucky I was to know him. No, let me correct that: how lucky I am to know him. In essence, he told me everything that any person who left someone behind would need to hear in order to feel at peace.

Why then, did it tear me up to hear all this? Instead of feeling at peace, I found myself chafing. I know why I felt this way. I do because I carry things around from the relationship that chafe me. I have burdens he does not understand. I have debts to pay. These debts would be easier if he wasn't around all the time, reminding me with his presence, but I think that I am going to have to accept that as part of the payment. Besides, how do you politely say, "I appreciate the offer of friendship but I'd really rather you stay mad at me so that we don't have to see each other much?"

You don't. So I pay my debt in silence. He is being a hell of a person here, and the least I can do is allow him the right to do so.

(* = soon to be ex-hub)


((Song: "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. Lyrics here:
http://www.fleetwoodmac.net/penguin/lyrics/r/rhiannon.htm ))