I meet stbx for dinner tonight at a local restaurant. I'm to bring all the divorce forms and we're planning to eat and talk over things. He told me he's saved enough money now to do this and that we need to go ahead and get things squared away.
I should be happy, right? Or relieved, at least?
The ties -- however soft they have always rested upon my wrists -- are about to be loosed and my freedom is near at hand. It is what these last two years have slowly and inexorably moved towards. I know that I am making the only decision I can given all the variables. I know that even if I stayed I would not be the woman he wants me to be. I would be all right for a few years and then, as it has been since the beginning, I would become distant, angry, resentful, unresponsive to his overtures, unappreciative. I would refuse to be intimate with him and find no desire for him as a wife should have for her husband in my heart. I would only find friendship, regard, companionship. I would torture him as he tries to make me happy and cannot.
All these things I ~know~ to be true. And yet I hesitate. Now that the time is here, my heart is hurting. Yes, my wrists might be unlocked and my true nature allowed to breathe. I will no longer cause any hurt to him. I am doing ~good~ for him and for me. But the deep needy part of me is screaming at me to grab hold of all the comfort and security and not let go. It is asking me, "What the fuck are you doing?"
God, I want to stop this. I want to go back. I want to change. I want to say that I can.
But I can't. I know better, finally. I owe this to the both of us, to stop the merry go round. So no matter what, this will be done. It must.
((Song: "Silver Moon" by Michael Nesmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.morethanweimagine.com/loose/silver_moon.html ))
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