You Know You'll Always Be My Little Girl

Something my daughter said to me this morning made me stop and blink a few times, impressed by her insight and wisdom even though she is only 14. I share it here because I don't want to forget.

We were talking about her friends, her life, her thoughts about some of her friends, some of the things that happen in their lives and her feelings about those events. She'd shared with me some of her more private musings about them and during the course of the conversation she said, "You know, Mom, I really like [her], she's one of my best friends. But really, sometimes her need for attention is more important than her need for honesty. So sometimes I don't know if everything she says is real or just overdramatized."

I told her I was impressed by her insight. I also let her know that many adults do not come to those sorts of realizations about their friends -- or themselves -- until much later in their lives, if at all.

She's not sure about who she is yet. She has issues with her sexuality and with her desire to be a male instead of a female. She's upset at the hand that fate gave her, giving her a female's body when she does think much like a male. She's blunt, she's generally not empathic, she hides her emotions and thoughts -- preferring to think them through internally rather than explore them out loud -- and she's impatient with the drama and manipulation that exists in the female teenage world. I'm not sure if these things she feels now are permanent or temporary but I am aware that she is old enough to know what she feels sexually. No doubt part of it is that she is curious and will be experimental in many aspects of her life until she finds the hats that will fit her best. I am supportive of her and loving towards her no matter what she does or what she becomes. I've told her so many times.

I do know one thing, though -- she's going to become an incredible woman. But she'll always be my little girl.

((Song: "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw. Lyrics here:
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/my-little-girl-16952.html))

Something To Remember

I want to post this in it's (pretty much) entirety and give credit to the author. It might not be a profound statement objectively speaking since it is fairly commonsensical, but it struck a deep chord within me.

So, props go out to Gneiss Guy, who happens to be a genuine, loving, thoughtful soul and an incredible writer. Find him at http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=gneiss_guy


"You can indeed choose how you write your history, or how you write your present situation. I have always lived in a fantasy world, creating my reality to suit me....

"...you choose how you view your past and that I had chosen a decidedly negative view of my own. You remember that view – failure, no fun, screwed up many a time. I still spend a lot of time slipping back there. It’s a familiar place and I gravitate towards it. However...has pushed me to look at things in a different life and I’ve largely rewritten my history or at least how I fared in it...

"Conversations with a good friend have also taught me this – if you like the person you are today, then you can’t be too hard on the path you took because it’s the only way that could get you where you are. I think that’s a really good way to look at your life. Any mistakes that you’ve made or opportunities you’ve missed out on suddenly become stepping stones that you took to get to today.

"There can a downside to this kind of thinking. I spent decades telling myself someday I would be the person I thought I should be. I could conjure an image up in my head and I could make myself believe it would come true. I was riding centuries and writing books and had close friends and was rolling in money and having wild sex. It didn’t come true and it never could have. I think that fantasy life held me back for a long time and it set standards that I could never meet. I was never destined to be a thin, popular, wildly successful stud and seeing New Year after New Year come in without becoming that person drove me deeper and deeper into myself and I labeled myself a failure. It’s hard to see yourself as a failure and then take the baby steps that lead to real change.

"I guess after thinking about it for days, I still don’t know what I’m trying to say. Maybe it’s this -- you can rewrite your past to suit you, but you have to work hard to write your future."

Indeed.

'Cause Ya Don't Only Dream When You're Asleep

The next phase of my life will be coming up soon. I have no idea what this phase will be or how it will end up. But I do know that I feel much more in balance now than I have in the past.

What I mean by that is that I have spent so much of my life listening to and following my heart without really listening to my head. I don't know if that was because I had trouble trusting my own judgement, because my head was telling me what my heart wanted was bad for me and I didn't want to listen, or if it was because I could always just blame any bad outcome on the fact that I had followed my heart. I don't know. But in musing over my past with the clearest head that I think I've ever had, I've seen so many patterns emerge. Some of those are destructive ones and those I intend to change with equal helpings of intestinal fortitude and grim determation. Some patterns just are, though -- not intrinsically bad or good -- and those I'll use or dismiss depending on what they contribute to my well-being.

I have an interesting dilemma now. For the first time in a long while I find myself excited about the prospects of a career. I have a degree, I am by no means uneducated, but I've never needed a career to define me or to give me self-esteem. Except -- in that I was short-sighted.

In my teens I wrote books and decided I would work for a famous magazine and be somebody! Then in college something happened to that ambition. It happened for many different reasons but in part, going out in the working world and seeing the world more for what it was scared me and made me sad. I lost some of my belief in the fact that little old me could change anything at all.

I began working full-time at a convenience store. Soon thereafter I met my husband, laid my writing, my poetry and my silly girlish dreams aside, and began my ~real~ life. The life I knew I should have instead of the one I dreamed about. But do not misunderstand me. I wanted the life I chose and willingly laid these things aside. I did so because I felt that I truly ~was~ girlish and foolish. I wanted to be an adult! So I continued to work full time until I became pregnant and then, of course, stayed home with my child. Since then, in between going to school and finishing my degree, I've worked part time for years and even then only under duress. I always preferred to do hobbies and pursue personal interests instead of "throw the precious hours of my life away towards something that meant nothing to me."

When asked why I did not care to work, I used to proudly say I was lazy and that I had embraced that part of my personality. But that was merely something I said to cover up the deeper truth. In truth, I missed the more ambitious, self-possessed teen and young woman I was before I married. That girl had dreams. Somehow along the way I had convinced myself that pursuing those dreams was useless and that this life was designed to knock people down. So, somewhere deep inside I decided that instead of letting someone knock me down, I was going to sit down. I wasn't going to let anyone get that first shot in; I'd do it for them first. A pre-emptive strike. Why? To prove that I was still the one in control.

How sad this is. And how it did nothing but hurt me, for many years. I only wish I'd had the maturity to see what this feeling, along with many others, would do to my own self-esteem and the relationship with my husband. I might have changed them. Then again, I might not have. Knowing something in your head is quite different from knowing something in your heart and truly believing in it. That is the difference between intelligence and wisdom. Sometimes you really can't see the forest for the trees. And though it might seem that feelings suddenly change, that's not so at all. Feelings are fluid and they build, one little brick upon the other, each piece fitting in silently and invisibly, until one day a building is built and there it is. And it becomes part of the foundation of your life.

Now, perhaps for the first time since my teens, I am ready to pick those girlish dreams back up and open them. And now, I am a woman. I have a confidence I didn't have then. I can only hope that I can let my judgement stand in the place it will need to be when those intangible people come to try to knock me over. I won't be sitting down this time.


((Song: "Until The End" by Norah Jones. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/norahjones/untiltheend.html))

Post Mortem

A lot has been going on this past month or so and I've had trouble blogging. I've felt absolutely full -- mentally and emotionally -- and though you'd think blogging would help relieve the feeling of fullness, it instead felt like one more burden. So I let it lie.

My husband and I will be divorcing. By today's standards our marriage was quite long, and in the eyes of many people that know us, rather better than the average. I am of the opinion that it was better than the average. But people change. I've changed. What fit then does not fit now. There are not words simple enough to contain our relationship or what happened. It was not any one big thing as much as so many little ones. And as in life, marriages and relationships are in the details.

It is such a difficult and sad time for me. Sometimes, even the right decisions make you feel like hell.