A co-worker brought his son into the office today. The boy is about four or so. I can hear the kid chattering away and I've seen him wandering about carrying his coloring books and clutching his crayons. The women in the offices surrounding the perimeter of the father's desk keep coming in and clucking like mother hens over this kid. They laugh and hover and supervise, and it's annoying as hell.
In years previously -- meaning when my own kiddo was small -- I developed a "resistance," if you will, against younger children because of the constant exposure I had to my own child. I still noticed other people's children but I had a higher degree of tolerance for them. As the kiddo has grown, this resistance has been fading away because it's simply not needed for my continued survival any longer.
In other words, I've gone back to just not liking kids all that much.
I can't describe how thrilled I am that my own kiddo is beyond that stage and that she's rapidly growing into her own. I love her independence. It's like the reward that I'm finally getting to taste of after many years of toil.
I still have a greater tolerance for kids than I did previous to having one of my own, but even when I was in that stage I didn't do the full press court like some of these women here are doing. Perhaps some of the younger ones have that biological urge to reproduce leading them along; perhaps some of the older ones are nostalgic for times they felt they mattered more than they do now. I experience twinges of both those things and think every mother does. On the whole, though, I think I wasn't ever really designed to be an earthmother, willing to welcome all the little children of the world to her bosom. I'm more likely to be the one standing at the door kicking them out of the nest and looking forward to the hours of peace and solitude that await me.
I've wondered sometimes if that means I am a bad mother. A distant mother. An uninterested one. Am I incapable of the deep love for helpless humanity that is supposed to make a woman a real woman? I've let those thoughts intrude and beat me down on occasion. There's nothing quite like a little self-flagellation, eh? But then I think about the times that I smothered the kiddo and took care of her every need, and the deep and overwhelming love that I have for her even as I ache to push her out into the world and see her flower. I think about the years I willingly gave her. Then I realize that I don't wish to give her too many more of them and I feel the need to reclaim the rest of the years that I have to me, for me and me alone.
I think then that maybe I'm not so different from a lot of mothers. I'm just a bit more honest with myself.
((Song: "Creatures Of Love" by Talking Heads. Lyrics here:
http://www.actionext.com/names_t/talking_heads_lyrics/creatures_of_love.html ))
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
My Day At The Ex-In-Laws
I noticed that exh's family have welcomed Yo into their fold and make her feel like one of them. she looked comfortable amongst them as well. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was the second wife of some other family I'd want to feel like I belonged, or alternatively, I would want my family to be able to actively embrace another man that I loved and brought into the familial circle. Many families can't or won't do that, and it's a testament to exh's family strength that they can with such warmth.
I felt very much like I did those last few years when I would go to the house though...like an outsider, looking in. I think much of those feelings were internally generated, because everyone seemed genuinely welcoming and glad to see me. I would stand apart from everyone and watch rather than be in the midst of everything. It wasn't my place. Though I admit to imagining scenarios where I'd be the one everyone gravitated toward -- I think I even posted here that I thought I'd fit in better than Yo -- that didn't actually come to pass. Maybe it was of my own doing. I just didn't feel like I belonged there any longer. And I don't, not really. Just peripherally. Part of that feeling of distance is due to the time that's passed, but the other part came about when I saw exactly how much the family had embraced Yo. Even though that should be the way it is, and much of me is glad of that, I guess seeing it made me feel a bit marginalized. It's funny. I was wandering the empty house when everyone else was outside and saying to myself, "I want to go home, I don't want to be here," at the same time being a bit hurt that they replaced me. Why should I feel that, since it was my choice to vacate?
I did get the chance to sit for a bit and talk with my ex-sister-in-law, whom I'll call Carrie since she looks so much like SJP from Sex In The City. Her situation with exh's brother is much the same as it was two years ago and I don't doubt it will continue to be that way. I know she's aware that her marriage has been dying for a long time and the last couple of years have been the active throes. She says she knows her choices and that of them, for the moment, her choice is to stay where she is. I can't say anything about that choice because I did the same for a long time and understand it. She may choose differently once her youngest is grown. She told me that she will always consider me her sister-in-law and she said she'd like to make plans this summer to come up and have a girl's day out. I'll be there. Of all my ex-in-law's, Carrie is the one I care for the most.
In the strange department, Exh's youngest sister asked for my cell phone number and gave me hers. She said we should get together. Hm. I'll not hold my breath. She's a good person but she's a mom of three and she and I never did bond like Carrie and I did. Some of it was because of the ten years between us in age. Some, because during her youth she was a wild child and lived with us for a bit and abused our good nature. She's matured of course, but I'm afraid I have an elephant's memory and I nurse hurts for a long time. I like her, and respect her maturing, and see she's a different person, but our personalities just don't mesh like mine with Carrie does.
It was an interesting day. Don't know when I'll do it again.
I felt very much like I did those last few years when I would go to the house though...like an outsider, looking in. I think much of those feelings were internally generated, because everyone seemed genuinely welcoming and glad to see me. I would stand apart from everyone and watch rather than be in the midst of everything. It wasn't my place. Though I admit to imagining scenarios where I'd be the one everyone gravitated toward -- I think I even posted here that I thought I'd fit in better than Yo -- that didn't actually come to pass. Maybe it was of my own doing. I just didn't feel like I belonged there any longer. And I don't, not really. Just peripherally. Part of that feeling of distance is due to the time that's passed, but the other part came about when I saw exactly how much the family had embraced Yo. Even though that should be the way it is, and much of me is glad of that, I guess seeing it made me feel a bit marginalized. It's funny. I was wandering the empty house when everyone else was outside and saying to myself, "I want to go home, I don't want to be here," at the same time being a bit hurt that they replaced me. Why should I feel that, since it was my choice to vacate?
I did get the chance to sit for a bit and talk with my ex-sister-in-law, whom I'll call Carrie since she looks so much like SJP from Sex In The City. Her situation with exh's brother is much the same as it was two years ago and I don't doubt it will continue to be that way. I know she's aware that her marriage has been dying for a long time and the last couple of years have been the active throes. She says she knows her choices and that of them, for the moment, her choice is to stay where she is. I can't say anything about that choice because I did the same for a long time and understand it. She may choose differently once her youngest is grown. She told me that she will always consider me her sister-in-law and she said she'd like to make plans this summer to come up and have a girl's day out. I'll be there. Of all my ex-in-law's, Carrie is the one I care for the most.
In the strange department, Exh's youngest sister asked for my cell phone number and gave me hers. She said we should get together. Hm. I'll not hold my breath. She's a good person but she's a mom of three and she and I never did bond like Carrie and I did. Some of it was because of the ten years between us in age. Some, because during her youth she was a wild child and lived with us for a bit and abused our good nature. She's matured of course, but I'm afraid I have an elephant's memory and I nurse hurts for a long time. I like her, and respect her maturing, and see she's a different person, but our personalities just don't mesh like mine with Carrie does.
It was an interesting day. Don't know when I'll do it again.
Monday, April 6, 2009
I'm Still Alive
I've been performing a little experiment this weekend. I've gone wheat- and gluten-free.
I think I mentioned before how bloated I've been feeling? Well, I've lost about 5 lbs from what I weighed at the doctor's less than a week ago. I don't feel bloated and my energy levels are pretty high. I'm not sure if the change in diet has anything to do with it yet, but it's sure not hurting me.
I'm going to tell my doc to look for signs of celiac when he's doing the colonoscopy. Celiac can lay dormant for years and get triggered during long stressful periods or during bouts of serious illnesses like pneumonia. I don't know whether some of my bowel disturbances are due to anything like celiac, but even if I'm not celiac, perhaps I have an intolerance to it. I have felt better since leaving it alone. If that means adapting to an entirely new way of eating, especially giving up my adorable, lovely breads (*whimper*) then so be it. If it means I live and feel better, than it'll be worth it. I have a choice here. I can look at it from the avenue of what I lose or I can look at it from what I gain. What I gain is the ability to go outside my comfort zone; once again I can experience new foods and learn to widen my range of eatables. That sounds like fun.
Like quinoa! I tried it this weekend and I've really fallen for its unique texture and nutty taste. It takes some effort to make it because it has a soapy substance called saponin on it that you have to soak off (30 mins does the trick) and then rinse a couple times before putting it on to cook. But soooo worth it. A hard boiled egg and a bowl of quinoa in the morning with some soy milk and a sprinkle of muscovado sugar on top tastes like heaven.
I've done some reading this weekend, too. Wheat lies in so many insiduous places like in Splenda (maltodextrin) in soft drinks (caramel flavoring) and even in plain old cheddar cheese (annato, used for color.) Sheesh.
Anyway, I won't know for sure until I get all the tests done so there's no use fretting about it any longer. I'll just keep eating without wheat and see what I feel like over the next couple weeks. If I feel better -- especially if I don't feel bloated! -- then I'll make the change.
As we were speaking of the possibility of celiac this morning, BK told me that I needed to move out of my place and into my own apartment. She said something that gave me pause. She said, "After all, you're a new person so you need a new place. Look at what you're doing. Eating differently, exercising? You're remaking yourself."
Hm. Maybe I am.
I'll be spending Easter Sunday at the ex-mother in law's house. Exh invited me and the kiddo to go along and watch the little ones do their eggs. I haven't yet accepted an invite so I decided to take this one. I haven't seen exh's youngest niece yet -- she's about 8 months old or so -- and I can catch up with all of my ex-in-laws. I like them, they're good people.
I wonder how Yo will take this -- when I fit in so effortlessly and she's still trying? Two weeks ago I received notice of my cousin's death in the mail addressed to my old place, so it came to exh's house. He handed it to me; I read it and immediately become visibly upset. Exh didn't give me a hug or comfort me though Yo offered some words of condolence. A day later exh calls me and apologizes for not showing me comfort. He said, "You know, until she gets secure in the relationship between her and me," and I said, "Yes, I knew exactly why you didn't."
And I did. I understand it....but it amuses me.
((Song: "Alive" by Pearl Jam. Lyrics here:
http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/970/pearl_jam..ten..alive.html ))
I think I mentioned before how bloated I've been feeling? Well, I've lost about 5 lbs from what I weighed at the doctor's less than a week ago. I don't feel bloated and my energy levels are pretty high. I'm not sure if the change in diet has anything to do with it yet, but it's sure not hurting me.
I'm going to tell my doc to look for signs of celiac when he's doing the colonoscopy. Celiac can lay dormant for years and get triggered during long stressful periods or during bouts of serious illnesses like pneumonia. I don't know whether some of my bowel disturbances are due to anything like celiac, but even if I'm not celiac, perhaps I have an intolerance to it. I have felt better since leaving it alone. If that means adapting to an entirely new way of eating, especially giving up my adorable, lovely breads (*whimper*) then so be it. If it means I live and feel better, than it'll be worth it. I have a choice here. I can look at it from the avenue of what I lose or I can look at it from what I gain. What I gain is the ability to go outside my comfort zone; once again I can experience new foods and learn to widen my range of eatables. That sounds like fun.
Like quinoa! I tried it this weekend and I've really fallen for its unique texture and nutty taste. It takes some effort to make it because it has a soapy substance called saponin on it that you have to soak off (30 mins does the trick) and then rinse a couple times before putting it on to cook. But soooo worth it. A hard boiled egg and a bowl of quinoa in the morning with some soy milk and a sprinkle of muscovado sugar on top tastes like heaven.
I've done some reading this weekend, too. Wheat lies in so many insiduous places like in Splenda (maltodextrin) in soft drinks (caramel flavoring) and even in plain old cheddar cheese (annato, used for color.) Sheesh.
Anyway, I won't know for sure until I get all the tests done so there's no use fretting about it any longer. I'll just keep eating without wheat and see what I feel like over the next couple weeks. If I feel better -- especially if I don't feel bloated! -- then I'll make the change.
As we were speaking of the possibility of celiac this morning, BK told me that I needed to move out of my place and into my own apartment. She said something that gave me pause. She said, "After all, you're a new person so you need a new place. Look at what you're doing. Eating differently, exercising? You're remaking yourself."
Hm. Maybe I am.
I'll be spending Easter Sunday at the ex-mother in law's house. Exh invited me and the kiddo to go along and watch the little ones do their eggs. I haven't yet accepted an invite so I decided to take this one. I haven't seen exh's youngest niece yet -- she's about 8 months old or so -- and I can catch up with all of my ex-in-laws. I like them, they're good people.
I wonder how Yo will take this -- when I fit in so effortlessly and she's still trying? Two weeks ago I received notice of my cousin's death in the mail addressed to my old place, so it came to exh's house. He handed it to me; I read it and immediately become visibly upset. Exh didn't give me a hug or comfort me though Yo offered some words of condolence. A day later exh calls me and apologizes for not showing me comfort. He said, "You know, until she gets secure in the relationship between her and me," and I said, "Yes, I knew exactly why you didn't."
And I did. I understand it....but it amuses me.
((Song: "Alive" by Pearl Jam. Lyrics here:
http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/970/pearl_jam..ten..alive.html ))
Friday, April 3, 2009
All We Are Is Dust In The Wind
I've been a little sad lately. I haven't felt like blogging much, at least not here. I do a genealogy blog that I've done a bit of work on, though. It's cathartic.
Nearly 15 years ago now I met my first real "cousin" doing genealogy that didn't belong to the last two generations of my immediate family. Her 3rd g-grandfather and my 4th g-grandfather were brothers. We bonded immediately, although there was over 30 years difference in our ages. She and I researched together for a long time and eventually took a trip together in '01 back to a little town in IL where our ancestors once lived.
She told me in January that she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer of a kind that doesn't let its victims live very long. She told me one of her deepest regrets was not being able to documentally prove a father-son lineage that we intuitively knew to be true. I immediately scheduled a trip back to where they were living at the time so I could find that proof for her.
That is the trip I will go on in 2 weeks. I had hoped to make it in time, but I found out last week that I didn't. She passed away two weeks ago. I'm still going on the trip and it will still be a lot of fun. I hope I do find that proof. I hope that if I do, she'll know it no matter where she happens to be now.
RIP, my friend. I'll miss you.
Let's see.....in health news I have a colonoscopy/endoscopy scheduled for the end of April. That oughta be fun -- not. It'll likely put me about $1.5k in debt after all is said and done since my damned deductible is so high. We'll see....but I have Barrett's and would just as soon get all that looked at. Going under anesthesia is NOT my cup of tea anyway and I've heard with bad teeth it's not necessarily a wise idea at all. I suppose I'll have to call the doc and let him know I have bad teeth and see what he says.
I am sooooooo looking forward to that trip I mentioned. I'm tired. Working two jobs and hitting the gym (though due to a sore back I am out this week) is wiping me out.
This weekend is MINE MINE MINE! Roommate is gone, kiddo is with her dad. On the agenda: sleeping, laying about in pajamas, bringing my budgeting program up to date, planning the genealogical information I need to research on my trip, more sleeping. Maybe coffee in jammies and a good book here and there? Oh, and maaaaybe a little teensy bit of bad TV.
And unless something special comes up -- NO guests.
((Song: "Dust In The Wind" by Kansas. Lyrics here:
http://en.slowradio.com/lyrics/kansas:dust_in_the_wind ))
Nearly 15 years ago now I met my first real "cousin" doing genealogy that didn't belong to the last two generations of my immediate family. Her 3rd g-grandfather and my 4th g-grandfather were brothers. We bonded immediately, although there was over 30 years difference in our ages. She and I researched together for a long time and eventually took a trip together in '01 back to a little town in IL where our ancestors once lived.
She told me in January that she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer of a kind that doesn't let its victims live very long. She told me one of her deepest regrets was not being able to documentally prove a father-son lineage that we intuitively knew to be true. I immediately scheduled a trip back to where they were living at the time so I could find that proof for her.
That is the trip I will go on in 2 weeks. I had hoped to make it in time, but I found out last week that I didn't. She passed away two weeks ago. I'm still going on the trip and it will still be a lot of fun. I hope I do find that proof. I hope that if I do, she'll know it no matter where she happens to be now.
RIP, my friend. I'll miss you.
Let's see.....in health news I have a colonoscopy/endoscopy scheduled for the end of April. That oughta be fun -- not. It'll likely put me about $1.5k in debt after all is said and done since my damned deductible is so high. We'll see....but I have Barrett's and would just as soon get all that looked at. Going under anesthesia is NOT my cup of tea anyway and I've heard with bad teeth it's not necessarily a wise idea at all. I suppose I'll have to call the doc and let him know I have bad teeth and see what he says.
I am sooooooo looking forward to that trip I mentioned. I'm tired. Working two jobs and hitting the gym (though due to a sore back I am out this week) is wiping me out.
This weekend is MINE MINE MINE! Roommate is gone, kiddo is with her dad. On the agenda: sleeping, laying about in pajamas, bringing my budgeting program up to date, planning the genealogical information I need to research on my trip, more sleeping. Maybe coffee in jammies and a good book here and there? Oh, and maaaaybe a little teensy bit of bad TV.
And unless something special comes up -- NO guests.
((Song: "Dust In The Wind" by Kansas. Lyrics here:
http://en.slowradio.com/lyrics/kansas:dust_in_the_wind ))
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