Update Before Sleep

New job is still going fine. I've become fast friends with the office manager. She and I are only a few months apart in age and we seem to think alike and find the same things amusing. She's taken to me as fast as I've taken to her. We work very well together and she's got the patience of Job, I'll tell you what!

She tells me that when and if she finds work elsewhere -- the reasons for which I won't go into here but that don't have anything to do with job satisfaction or quality -- she said to me that she would "take me along with her." It's strange but I feel she's being completely sincere. She likes the way I work and I think she believes that I have a lot of potential in this field. I am grateful for the regard she holds for my efforts and I'm happy she thinks my work is worthwhile.

I started out in this job thinking that there was some sort of karmic reason for going to the gym and finding this job through there. I am thinking now that my path was really intended to set me up to meet my office manager instead of the lawyer himself. Call me silly if you will, but it feels rather preordained.

I told kiddo this weekend that many things happen for reasons that you might be completely unaware of at the start. Even seemingly horrible things have hidden golden moments. I told her she should never forget to look for those hidden things in her life.

Speaking of life, I'm pretty content with it right now. I'm working 10-13 hr days and enjoying myself, something I never in the world thought I'd EVER say! I'm going to the gym and feeling good about working out, another thing I would have sworn was the next thing to Hell itself. But I thought this morning on my way to work that I feel happy more consistently now than I did those last years of my marriage. I may be working harder but my life is mine again; I control its path. Feeling in control is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me

The new job is going as well as can be expected. I've been thrown in the deep end and I'm handling cases and drafting documents. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends but I want to make sure that I don't look like an idiot. I've been telling myself today that I simply have to stop getting all stressed out. I woke up this morning with a bit of stuffiness and the realization that the stress of the last few days has apparently kicked my almost-in-remission sickness of a few weeks ago back out of remission. I'm feeling the urge to cough more and more. My throat is sore and my head is achy. I'm not "sick," per se, but I don't feel good either. Damn it all.

I'm going to bed now. At 8:30, sheesh. But I simply can't afford to let this catch back up with me again.

((Song: "Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me," sung by the cast of Hee Haw. Lyrics here:
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/g/gloomdespairandagonyonme.shtml ))

Whistle While You Work

I've been told there are many hidden benefits from going to the gym and I can tell you right now, I'm a believer. I know all about developing bone density, preventing cancer or diabetes or heart attacks. I know it keeps you younger and keeps you healthy longer.

I just didn't know it could also benefit you fiscally.

So fast forward. I go and I meet this very nice girl that works out at the same time as my friend and I. She and I talk while we're readying ourselves for the day. One day last week I happen to mention I have a paralegal certificate and have been having trouble getting the experience I need to make the certificate worthwhile. I say I wouldn't mind volunteering a few hours a day to get that experience.

She says she owns a real estate business and across the building from her is this great lawyer who's a super nice, talented guy. She says she'll speak to him and see if he'd be willing to take a volunteer. I say thank you and go on about my day, thinking that like most things, it was idle talk. Not so. That very day -- last Thursday -- I get an email from the lawyer asking me to contact him! Surprised, I do. He asks me to come in on Monday (yesterday). I do.

I get there at the appointed time. We speak briefly and get along really well. I get along equally well with his associate. The lawyer says, "There's a problem with your suggestion to volunteer. There are ethical issues with having a non-employee see confidental client files. So if you're agreeable, I'll hire you as a part time employee. You come in the few hours a day that you can after you get off your current job and learn as much as you can. When I expand my practice -- as I intend to do within the next year -- there's a real possibility there'll be a position for you if you fit in and you'd like to take it. Deal?"

DEAL? DEAL? Hell yes, it's a deal!

So I have a(nother) job! At a real honest to goodness law firm! With opportunity I didn't have even two weeks ago.

And all because I went to this stupid gym.

Not so stupid now, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm????

(And oh yeah, I've also lost some inches. Woooot!!!)


((Song: "Whistle While You Work" by the Seven Dwarves. Lyrics here:
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/snowwhiteandthesevendwarfs/whistlewhileyouwork.htm ))

Faking-tine's Day

So today is Valentine's Day, which incidentally, might have been part of the reason why Yo didn't want me to show up today. That hadn't occurred to me until yesterday or the day before, hah! Shows how much this holiday really means to me. Hell, even when exh and I were still together we didn't celebrate it except for perfunctory card-giving because I hated (and hate) all the pomp and obligatory kiss-kissing.

Come to think of it, there's not really a holiday I DO like.....except Halloween. That one I like.

Anyway, roommate just left the house to head over to Queen's for the weekend. I know -- though he doesn't -- that she's got plans to do the candlelight wining and dining thing, no doubt climaxing (pun definitely intended) with gift exchanging and sweet nothings.

All of which he dreads. As he walked out the door a few minutes ago he said in a resigned tone, "I really don't like Valentine's Day. I'll just play the game."

Her efforts -- which are meaningful to her and are meant to help build a relationship that she values -- are obviously unappreciated. What means so much to her is only partially shared by her significant other. He plans to fake it.

I find it so very sad that she left a marriage that was filled with this sort of fakery, only to enter into another one with the same constraints. Although she might thinks she does, she doesn't really know the man she's dating. Or knows but doesn't want to know. If you catch my drift.

It's Getting Better All The Time

So I got a call from exh last night. He asked me if I could possibly wait until Sunday to bring the pork over to his place. I began to silently chuckle as I asked why.

"Don't even go there. I don't want to go over this again," he said in a half-exasperated, half-resigned tone of voice.

My chuckling grew audible. "So this has something to do with Yo?" I asked, playing my best Captain Obvious role.

"Yesssssss." Drawn out in a long, definitely exasperated sigh.

"And she wants me to bring it on Sunday because....?"

"Because she's going to be there on Sunday. She'll be gone on Saturday."

I let out a bark of laughter. No way was he getting out of being the brunt of my amusement! "And what does she think, that if you and I are alone for more than 5 minutes we'll jump into bed together? Because if you've told her anything about our divorce at all -- and I'm sure you have -- she'll realize the lack of that was easily the largest of our problems."

He chuckled. " Nooooo, it's territory issues. She's.....oh, I don't know. She's just insecure."

We'd switched roles; he was now Captain Obvious. But if he thought that she didn't wonder about the possibility of he and I ever sleeping together again, he was an idiot. She might not think we actually would, but she was convinced that he'd at least think about it with me. It was imagining his desire or -- at the very least, that he could miss me -- that drove her crazy. She feels a sense of control when she's there to mitigate our interactions. Kiddo said a few weeks back that she's been a lot angrier than usual lately, and I'd been noticing it when I had occasion to be there with kiddo. I suspect that her mood -- for lack of a better term -- has its origins in the insecurity battles she is experiencing with exh.

He and spoke of things like having to relive his 20's through her, and having to deal with all her issues, and having to remember that although we've been in her shoes, she's never been in ours. It's been 4 months since their marriage and she's quickly coming out of the "wow we're MARRIED!" stage and into the territorial wobbliness of a strange three-pronged situation. I let him know that there are three people in his marriage and try as I might to extricate myself, I'm still one of them. She keeps dragging me in.

He sounded tired, bless his heart. I felt sorry for him. I gave him the advice I mentioned in an earlier post about taking her feelings seriously lest he repeat the mistakes he made with me, and earned an "I'm getting relationship advice from my ex-wife now?" remark in the process. Hee! But a part of me is enjoying this.

After all....you don't marry Rebound Girl! You just fuck her. You don't marry her! I'm sure there's a reap what you sow thing in there somewhere. Good luck to him. He'll need it. If she's doing this already, he's in for a world of shit.

((Song: "Getting Better" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.beansoftware.com/thebeatleslyrics/Default.aspx?a=lyrics&id=177 ))

Shall We Call This A Lesson Learned?

It took long enough but it finally happened. Yo had her first little insecure mini-meltdown about the way that exh and I deal with each other.

Exh has been storing a few pieces of furniture for me and has also been using an old chest freezer that my parents gave us that's nearly as old as I am and therefore doesn't have sealed freon. I didn't need it at my current apartment and was afraid if it sat without being used it would freeze up, so I encouraged him to use it in the interim.

Exh and I had a chat the other day about the freezer because I am getting 40 lbs of pork this weekend and needed a place to store it. I asked him if he had enough room left to store the pork, he said yes. End of discussion. Or so I thought.

So Yo called me last night -- ostensibly about the freezer -- but there was definitely a subtext to her call. She started out by saying something about how exh didn't think the matter was resolved (I thought, huh?) and that she'd moved all their freezer items out and that they could make it without it. At this juncture it seemed she wanted me to pick it up. I explained I didn't have room, I didn't want to risk ruining it if it sat useless, and that I thought it was of greater benefit if was put it to good use.

She hem-hawed around a bit more and, not attaining her true objective, she finally came out and said what she'd been trying to avoid. "Well, I just have a problem with someone coming into my house when I'm not there."

Aha, there it was.

This flabbergasted me -- and frankly, it also pissed me off. I wondered if she even noticed that I ring her doorbell when I come over to pick up kiddo and never go into the house without doing so. However, I managed to keep a level tone when I said, "Yo, I wouldn't ever step foot in your house without calling first," because the subtext was so patently obvious. Insecurity Central -- marking her territory and staking her claim. She didn't want any of my stuff in HER house. She has enough reminders of me already.

My response took the wind out of her sails and gave her no recourse but to accept the way things were, lest she appear to be the bitch the really wanted to be. She mumbled a quick, "Oh, well, okay then. It can stay." I said thank you and we hung up.

I realize now that when I discussed the use of the freezer with exh without including Yo in the decision making, it was a bit shortsighted of me. I also see how the ease with which my exh and I get along is very disconcerting to her and places her in the position of wondering where she fits in. She feels that, as his wife, she deserves more say in matters. None of this is unreasonable. I do need to practice better communication in the future to head these sorts of things off at the pass.

I spoke to exh about it all this morning. He told me a number of things -- too much to go into here -- but he did say that Yo knew the way things were when she married him and that she needs to get okay with it or else she'll only end up making herself unhappy needlessly. While this is rational on the surface, it's shortsighted on his part. Ignoring her feelings and/or trivializing them is dangerous -- he did it with me and it ended up doing irreversible damage. I don't think he realized then what his actions were implying and it's apparent he hasn't learned much since that time. She's at her most sensitive now and frankly, he's depending on the fact that -- like a man -- she'll be able to look past her own insecurities and trust her rational mind. Very rarely do we women do this sort of thing skillfully at a young age. It's hard to learn to trust a man's love for you when your heart feels like such a fragile thing in the beginning.

I began this post feeling a bit upset at her. I feel now, at the end, that it might be time that she and I have the lunch we haven't yet had. Perhaps hearing some things from me might soothe her mind. As much as I believe that exh made a terrible mistake by marrying Yo so quickly and reboundingly, now that he has, I hate to see another young woman questioning herself and not feeling able to trust her own judgement -- and ending up mistrusting the man she lives with instead.

And as for the furniture -- well, he's removing it from storage because he needs the money since Yo lost her job. I'll be storing it at BFF's house for the moment, which I thank her for. I'll find another place for it as soon as I can.

((Song: "Lesson Learned" by Ray LaMontagne. Lyrics here:
http://ferrydust.com/words/1543/ray-lamontagne-lesson-learned ))

I've Got A Lot Of Catching Up To Do

Ergh. Still on decongestants and guaifensin. Still a bit coughy and a bit stuffy without them. I swear, if these last two weeks are anything like what I can expect from allergies I'll just save myself the trouble and the expense and cut my nose off now. I can always breathe through my mouth.

Still working out and still cursing it with every last breath, although this morning in spinning class I started telling myself that half my problem is mental -- I "convince" myself into thinking my body won't do something that it is actually able to do if I'd just let it. So instead of thinking, "Only seven more minutes of hell," I started repeating, "You CAN do it, let yourself." And finally, after a time.....I did. And I found that I was smiling halfway through.

Now if only I can find that mental place all the time.

I've been a little down lately. I learned about a month ago that a cousin of mine -- a woman that I've only actually met face-to-face once but who has been working side-by-side with me on our family genealogy for the last fifteen years -- has been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. She's in her mid-70's and she says she's accepted her fate and that she's had a good life with good family and friends. She and I corresponded regularly after she told me this until last week, when she abruptly stopped emailing. I started getting worried and tried to call but the phone number she gave me wasn't working. I sat and silently stewed until yesterday, when she emailed me again. She didn't tell me where she was, but it ended up that she didn't have to. She sent me a copy of an email she sent the company that hosts her family web site; she and I have been trying to get the reins of the site handed over to me but have had little success because her messages have went unanswered. In the email she mentioned her stint in the hospital and her urgency for resolution because she had little time left.

Funny. Even though I know that this is happening, seeing it hit me hard. I had asked her about a time frame and she told me less than a year. I think she was being generous. I think she has less time left than she wants me to know. She's such a wonderful lady, and I love her. I'm going to miss her when she's gone.

Death is such a specter to me. It terrifies me. I can't imagine my own death or dealing with its nearness with anything resembling the grace that my cousin is managing. I'd gladly become a vampire if I could. I've suffered panic attacks since my brush with death in a post-operative mishap (I was given demerol, which I'd used before but apparently it didn't mix well with my other anesthesia and I stopped breathing.) Now I simply don't handle anything related to side effects or possible problems well at all. "Going under" and using anesthesia petrifies me. I feel like such a wimp, since before that post-op reaction I wasn't scared of anything....

I can't escape death. It will get me. I know it. I hate it.

It's beyond my control.



Song: "The Night Is Still Young" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/12-gardens-live/careless-talk-0 ))