After drinks with a friend a few nights ago I came home and sat for a while until the tipsy had all but drained out of me, leaving just an edge of loosened inhibition. I had checked to see if BiB had responded to me and he hadn't. That edge started in on me, poking at me to go ahead and pick up the phone. So....I did. He answered within the first few rings and we chatted for over an hour. It was the first time I'd heard his voice in over four years.
It was a nice call.
His accent was even thicker than I'd remembered. He seemed nervous to begin with, as was I, but he and I both loosened up over the course of the conversation. It wasn't long before I learned that I'd been right about some of the things I'd been contemplating for the last year -- he'd went on vacation where I thought he'd went, and he was with the girl I'd guessed a year ago that he was with. These things reassured me. Whether I liked knowing them or not (and the jury is still deadlocked on that!) it reassured me to know that when we'd went our separate ways the things I told him would happen, happened. I'd been right all those years ago. The MO that I'd predicted he'd follow? He did. The end result? I'd predicted that as well.
Small comfort. But a sweet taste just the same.
The rest of the call was reminiscent without delving in the past hardly at all. We spoke of what we were doing, not what we had done. I let him know that I thought of him as a good man (I do, especially with the benefits of hindsight, time, and emotional distance) and that I was glad to hear that he was happy. I even meant it.
Mostly.
HD told me soon after the call ended that he was surprised, that he'd believed that the fact that BiB "got away" was the thing that had kept him in my heart all these years, and that finding out he'd finally moved on would make it even deeper. I thought about that and to an extent he was right. Being let go isn't something I like and it tends to keep me hooked but I'm also old enough to see that desiring something and actually having it are different things. BiB and I had our moment and it was wonderful, and that moment is gone. That's just the way it is. I'm surprisingly close to being at peace with that.
One thing we discussed was a sweet bit of justice for me though. I made sure that he knew that I had not dated since my divorce. I could tell he was genuinely surprised. I recalled how he had decided to sever our friendship -- and why -- and telling him this was designed to remind him of what he'd thought would happen (I would datedatedate) and what has actually happened. It was pleasing to let him know that, contrary to his belief that he knew me very well, he didn't know me or could predict my later actions half as much as I knew him and his.
I imagine that I will see BiB and his girl come spring at the meet of our video game. I am hopeful that 30b will also attend. But I will enjoy seeing BiB's reaction to my tattoo.
I told BiB during the course of the call that I was tired of acting awkward and uncomfortable around him and that we needed to just stop it already. He agreed. Time will tell on this, though. He did ask me to call him again. I imagine I will.
Hm. I wonder if he told her I called?
Song: "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)" by Jim Croce. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/operator.htm ))
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
If We Had The Chance To Do It All Again, Tell Me, Would We?
Very few people in my life can stir my pot like Grey can. I know he doesn't mean to do it and he'd probably make a concerted effort not to if he realized that he was; he's the type that prefers things stay on an even, steady keel. I know that and so I try to serve him up as little of it as I can, mostly because I don't want him to make that effort. And why? Well, if I'm honest it's because I....like it. Yeah. I'm the one that likes it. I'm the one that wants it and needs it so that I can feel a spark of life flicker in an otherwise muted existence. I'm the one that wants him to remind me that I can still care because I dread the alternative. In truth, then, I help him stir that pot.
He acknowledges that we share more than a friendship. I think he simultaneously likes it, and is disturbed by it. I think while there's a part of him that wants to go back to the way it was between us a decade or so ago, before things changed, there is this other part of him that needs to know that he has made an impact. He enjoys the frissons between us even as they make him uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about it too much, though, because while going over old ground has never been his style, it's always been mine.
There are two sides that I find myself on and sometimes one side weighs the most and sometimes the other does. This...conundrum of him...continually exists for me. Sometimes I even wonder if I conjure it myself and keep feeding it so that it will remain. Perhaps I do. I do know that in this regard, the questions I ask myself have only partial answers.
In other news I'm glad to report that the news that struck me as a surprise eight days ago doesn't bother me much at all any longer. If BiB ever decides to respond to me that might change, but for now things are as they were. Life goes on.
Grey is a different story. But then.....isn't he always?
Song: "The Way We Were" by Barbara Streisand. Lyrics here:
http://old.yoursonglyrics.com/the-way-we-were-barbra-streisand/
He acknowledges that we share more than a friendship. I think he simultaneously likes it, and is disturbed by it. I think while there's a part of him that wants to go back to the way it was between us a decade or so ago, before things changed, there is this other part of him that needs to know that he has made an impact. He enjoys the frissons between us even as they make him uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about it too much, though, because while going over old ground has never been his style, it's always been mine.
There are two sides that I find myself on and sometimes one side weighs the most and sometimes the other does. This...conundrum of him...continually exists for me. Sometimes I even wonder if I conjure it myself and keep feeding it so that it will remain. Perhaps I do. I do know that in this regard, the questions I ask myself have only partial answers.
In other news I'm glad to report that the news that struck me as a surprise eight days ago doesn't bother me much at all any longer. If BiB ever decides to respond to me that might change, but for now things are as they were. Life goes on.
Grey is a different story. But then.....isn't he always?
Song: "The Way We Were" by Barbara Streisand. Lyrics here:
http://old.yoursonglyrics.com/the-way-we-were-barbra-streisand/
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Oh My God...Here I Am...Once Again
Life sure can hand you some seismic twists. I was a fool to get lulled into the confidence of thinking that these sorts of things couldn't happen to me any longer. I was a fool to think I was immune to the effects.
The last couple of years I've settled into a pretty consistent pattern. I get up, I go to work, I hang with friends, I may play some video games or watch some TV, I go to bed and get up and do it again. Life has been very simple, steadfast, and predictable. Men have been peripheral in my life and I've been happy with it that way. They come when I want them to and go when I need them to and -- unlike my younger years -- I haven't needed them to complete me, to define me, or to validate me. I have been alone, indeed, but only rarely lonely. The sense of peace and freedom springing from this has been a new-ish frontier I've been exploring with pleasure and I've (hopefully) absorbed many lessons about how to move through the remaining decades of my life.
I've wondered now and again during the last few years how I'd react if anything came along to disturb the surface water sense of familiar I've surrounded myself with. I wondered now and again if, like the proverbial drunk, I would forget everything I have learned, pitch far off the wagon, and fall right back into old ways and old patterns. I'd then assure myself that the time for me to allow myself the luxury of self-deception had passed with my divorce and my subsequent acceptance of both my physical limitations and the emotional consequences they play in my relationships. I'd tell myself that.
Then, yesterday, I got a note from the past -- from someone all but gone in my life. It seems that he is now doing what he should have done six years ago and he and his wife are splitting. The news hit me a bit stronger than I thought it would. I didn't expect to actually "feel" the impact of it like I did and there was a part of me that was very disappointed with myself for those feelings. I kept talking myself down from going onto ledges I didn't need to go. Yesterday was another one of those learning experiences.
Today I feel much more level. I've regained a bit of the equilibrium I lost in the aftermath of the news. I am not the same person I was six years ago and neither is he. He will move on and find the path he needs to be on and it won't be one that contains me, at least not in any sense other than in a (perhaps) different sort of friendship. I cannot give him any more now than I could then -- the difference being, now I'm aware of that. I really do accept myself more now. This, at least, is good.
I also learned not to be so cocky. There are still wagons I can fall off of. I suppose only time can be the final determinator.
P.S. = the man I mentioned in my last post, my co-worker that I went for coffee with? We've spent more time together both with others and by ourselves. He's a nice man and is pleasant to be around but I feel no desire to take the relationship any other place than it is. I think he deserves a moniker here so I will call him CB. This makes sense to me for reasons I won't bother to share here.
Song: "Return Of The Mack" by Mark Morrison. Lyrics here:
http://www.rnbhaven.com/90s-music/lyrics/Return-Of-The-Mack/M/236/5482
The last couple of years I've settled into a pretty consistent pattern. I get up, I go to work, I hang with friends, I may play some video games or watch some TV, I go to bed and get up and do it again. Life has been very simple, steadfast, and predictable. Men have been peripheral in my life and I've been happy with it that way. They come when I want them to and go when I need them to and -- unlike my younger years -- I haven't needed them to complete me, to define me, or to validate me. I have been alone, indeed, but only rarely lonely. The sense of peace and freedom springing from this has been a new-ish frontier I've been exploring with pleasure and I've (hopefully) absorbed many lessons about how to move through the remaining decades of my life.
I've wondered now and again during the last few years how I'd react if anything came along to disturb the surface water sense of familiar I've surrounded myself with. I wondered now and again if, like the proverbial drunk, I would forget everything I have learned, pitch far off the wagon, and fall right back into old ways and old patterns. I'd then assure myself that the time for me to allow myself the luxury of self-deception had passed with my divorce and my subsequent acceptance of both my physical limitations and the emotional consequences they play in my relationships. I'd tell myself that.
Then, yesterday, I got a note from the past -- from someone all but gone in my life. It seems that he is now doing what he should have done six years ago and he and his wife are splitting. The news hit me a bit stronger than I thought it would. I didn't expect to actually "feel" the impact of it like I did and there was a part of me that was very disappointed with myself for those feelings. I kept talking myself down from going onto ledges I didn't need to go. Yesterday was another one of those learning experiences.
Today I feel much more level. I've regained a bit of the equilibrium I lost in the aftermath of the news. I am not the same person I was six years ago and neither is he. He will move on and find the path he needs to be on and it won't be one that contains me, at least not in any sense other than in a (perhaps) different sort of friendship. I cannot give him any more now than I could then -- the difference being, now I'm aware of that. I really do accept myself more now. This, at least, is good.
I also learned not to be so cocky. There are still wagons I can fall off of. I suppose only time can be the final determinator.
P.S. = the man I mentioned in my last post, my co-worker that I went for coffee with? We've spent more time together both with others and by ourselves. He's a nice man and is pleasant to be around but I feel no desire to take the relationship any other place than it is. I think he deserves a moniker here so I will call him CB. This makes sense to me for reasons I won't bother to share here.
Song: "Return Of The Mack" by Mark Morrison. Lyrics here:
http://www.rnbhaven.com/90s-music/lyrics/Return-Of-The-Mack/M/236/5482
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)