After drinks with a friend a few nights ago I came home and sat for a while until the tipsy had all but drained out of me, leaving just an edge of loosened inhibition. I had checked to see if BiB had responded to me and he hadn't. That edge started in on me, poking at me to go ahead and pick up the phone. So....I did. He answered within the first few rings and we chatted for over an hour. It was the first time I'd heard his voice in over four years.
It was a nice call.
His accent was even thicker than I'd remembered. He seemed nervous to begin with, as was I, but he and I both loosened up over the course of the conversation. It wasn't long before I learned that I'd been right about some of the things I'd been contemplating for the last year -- he'd went on vacation where I thought he'd went, and he was with the girl I'd guessed a year ago that he was with. These things reassured me. Whether I liked knowing them or not (and the jury is still deadlocked on that!) it reassured me to know that when we'd went our separate ways the things I told him would happen, happened. I'd been right all those years ago. The MO that I'd predicted he'd follow? He did. The end result? I'd predicted that as well.
Small comfort. But a sweet taste just the same.
The rest of the call was reminiscent without delving in the past hardly at all. We spoke of what we were doing, not what we had done. I let him know that I thought of him as a good man (I do, especially with the benefits of hindsight, time, and emotional distance) and that I was glad to hear that he was happy. I even meant it.
Mostly.
HD told me soon after the call ended that he was surprised, that he'd believed that the fact that BiB "got away" was the thing that had kept him in my heart all these years, and that finding out he'd finally moved on would make it even deeper. I thought about that and to an extent he was right. Being let go isn't something I like and it tends to keep me hooked but I'm also old enough to see that desiring something and actually having it are different things. BiB and I had our moment and it was wonderful, and that moment is gone. That's just the way it is. I'm surprisingly close to being at peace with that.
One thing we discussed was a sweet bit of justice for me though. I made sure that he knew that I had not dated since my divorce. I could tell he was genuinely surprised. I recalled how he had decided to sever our friendship -- and why -- and telling him this was designed to remind him of what he'd thought would happen (I would datedatedate) and what has actually happened. It was pleasing to let him know that, contrary to his belief that he knew me very well, he didn't know me or could predict my later actions half as much as I knew him and his.
I imagine that I will see BiB and his girl come spring at the meet of our video game. I am hopeful that 30b will also attend. But I will enjoy seeing BiB's reaction to my tattoo.
I told BiB during the course of the call that I was tired of acting awkward and uncomfortable around him and that we needed to just stop it already. He agreed. Time will tell on this, though. He did ask me to call him again. I imagine I will.
Hm. I wonder if he told her I called?
Song: "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)" by Jim Croce. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/operator.htm ))
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
If We Had The Chance To Do It All Again, Tell Me, Would We?
Very few people in my life can stir my pot like Grey can. I know he doesn't mean to do it and he'd probably make a concerted effort not to if he realized that he was; he's the type that prefers things stay on an even, steady keel. I know that and so I try to serve him up as little of it as I can, mostly because I don't want him to make that effort. And why? Well, if I'm honest it's because I....like it. Yeah. I'm the one that likes it. I'm the one that wants it and needs it so that I can feel a spark of life flicker in an otherwise muted existence. I'm the one that wants him to remind me that I can still care because I dread the alternative. In truth, then, I help him stir that pot.
He acknowledges that we share more than a friendship. I think he simultaneously likes it, and is disturbed by it. I think while there's a part of him that wants to go back to the way it was between us a decade or so ago, before things changed, there is this other part of him that needs to know that he has made an impact. He enjoys the frissons between us even as they make him uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about it too much, though, because while going over old ground has never been his style, it's always been mine.
There are two sides that I find myself on and sometimes one side weighs the most and sometimes the other does. This...conundrum of him...continually exists for me. Sometimes I even wonder if I conjure it myself and keep feeding it so that it will remain. Perhaps I do. I do know that in this regard, the questions I ask myself have only partial answers.
In other news I'm glad to report that the news that struck me as a surprise eight days ago doesn't bother me much at all any longer. If BiB ever decides to respond to me that might change, but for now things are as they were. Life goes on.
Grey is a different story. But then.....isn't he always?
Song: "The Way We Were" by Barbara Streisand. Lyrics here:
http://old.yoursonglyrics.com/the-way-we-were-barbra-streisand/
He acknowledges that we share more than a friendship. I think he simultaneously likes it, and is disturbed by it. I think while there's a part of him that wants to go back to the way it was between us a decade or so ago, before things changed, there is this other part of him that needs to know that he has made an impact. He enjoys the frissons between us even as they make him uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about it too much, though, because while going over old ground has never been his style, it's always been mine.
There are two sides that I find myself on and sometimes one side weighs the most and sometimes the other does. This...conundrum of him...continually exists for me. Sometimes I even wonder if I conjure it myself and keep feeding it so that it will remain. Perhaps I do. I do know that in this regard, the questions I ask myself have only partial answers.
In other news I'm glad to report that the news that struck me as a surprise eight days ago doesn't bother me much at all any longer. If BiB ever decides to respond to me that might change, but for now things are as they were. Life goes on.
Grey is a different story. But then.....isn't he always?
Song: "The Way We Were" by Barbara Streisand. Lyrics here:
http://old.yoursonglyrics.com/the-way-we-were-barbra-streisand/
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Oh My God...Here I Am...Once Again
Life sure can hand you some seismic twists. I was a fool to get lulled into the confidence of thinking that these sorts of things couldn't happen to me any longer. I was a fool to think I was immune to the effects.
The last couple of years I've settled into a pretty consistent pattern. I get up, I go to work, I hang with friends, I may play some video games or watch some TV, I go to bed and get up and do it again. Life has been very simple, steadfast, and predictable. Men have been peripheral in my life and I've been happy with it that way. They come when I want them to and go when I need them to and -- unlike my younger years -- I haven't needed them to complete me, to define me, or to validate me. I have been alone, indeed, but only rarely lonely. The sense of peace and freedom springing from this has been a new-ish frontier I've been exploring with pleasure and I've (hopefully) absorbed many lessons about how to move through the remaining decades of my life.
I've wondered now and again during the last few years how I'd react if anything came along to disturb the surface water sense of familiar I've surrounded myself with. I wondered now and again if, like the proverbial drunk, I would forget everything I have learned, pitch far off the wagon, and fall right back into old ways and old patterns. I'd then assure myself that the time for me to allow myself the luxury of self-deception had passed with my divorce and my subsequent acceptance of both my physical limitations and the emotional consequences they play in my relationships. I'd tell myself that.
Then, yesterday, I got a note from the past -- from someone all but gone in my life. It seems that he is now doing what he should have done six years ago and he and his wife are splitting. The news hit me a bit stronger than I thought it would. I didn't expect to actually "feel" the impact of it like I did and there was a part of me that was very disappointed with myself for those feelings. I kept talking myself down from going onto ledges I didn't need to go. Yesterday was another one of those learning experiences.
Today I feel much more level. I've regained a bit of the equilibrium I lost in the aftermath of the news. I am not the same person I was six years ago and neither is he. He will move on and find the path he needs to be on and it won't be one that contains me, at least not in any sense other than in a (perhaps) different sort of friendship. I cannot give him any more now than I could then -- the difference being, now I'm aware of that. I really do accept myself more now. This, at least, is good.
I also learned not to be so cocky. There are still wagons I can fall off of. I suppose only time can be the final determinator.
P.S. = the man I mentioned in my last post, my co-worker that I went for coffee with? We've spent more time together both with others and by ourselves. He's a nice man and is pleasant to be around but I feel no desire to take the relationship any other place than it is. I think he deserves a moniker here so I will call him CB. This makes sense to me for reasons I won't bother to share here.
Song: "Return Of The Mack" by Mark Morrison. Lyrics here:
http://www.rnbhaven.com/90s-music/lyrics/Return-Of-The-Mack/M/236/5482
The last couple of years I've settled into a pretty consistent pattern. I get up, I go to work, I hang with friends, I may play some video games or watch some TV, I go to bed and get up and do it again. Life has been very simple, steadfast, and predictable. Men have been peripheral in my life and I've been happy with it that way. They come when I want them to and go when I need them to and -- unlike my younger years -- I haven't needed them to complete me, to define me, or to validate me. I have been alone, indeed, but only rarely lonely. The sense of peace and freedom springing from this has been a new-ish frontier I've been exploring with pleasure and I've (hopefully) absorbed many lessons about how to move through the remaining decades of my life.
I've wondered now and again during the last few years how I'd react if anything came along to disturb the surface water sense of familiar I've surrounded myself with. I wondered now and again if, like the proverbial drunk, I would forget everything I have learned, pitch far off the wagon, and fall right back into old ways and old patterns. I'd then assure myself that the time for me to allow myself the luxury of self-deception had passed with my divorce and my subsequent acceptance of both my physical limitations and the emotional consequences they play in my relationships. I'd tell myself that.
Then, yesterday, I got a note from the past -- from someone all but gone in my life. It seems that he is now doing what he should have done six years ago and he and his wife are splitting. The news hit me a bit stronger than I thought it would. I didn't expect to actually "feel" the impact of it like I did and there was a part of me that was very disappointed with myself for those feelings. I kept talking myself down from going onto ledges I didn't need to go. Yesterday was another one of those learning experiences.
Today I feel much more level. I've regained a bit of the equilibrium I lost in the aftermath of the news. I am not the same person I was six years ago and neither is he. He will move on and find the path he needs to be on and it won't be one that contains me, at least not in any sense other than in a (perhaps) different sort of friendship. I cannot give him any more now than I could then -- the difference being, now I'm aware of that. I really do accept myself more now. This, at least, is good.
I also learned not to be so cocky. There are still wagons I can fall off of. I suppose only time can be the final determinator.
P.S. = the man I mentioned in my last post, my co-worker that I went for coffee with? We've spent more time together both with others and by ourselves. He's a nice man and is pleasant to be around but I feel no desire to take the relationship any other place than it is. I think he deserves a moniker here so I will call him CB. This makes sense to me for reasons I won't bother to share here.
Song: "Return Of The Mack" by Mark Morrison. Lyrics here:
http://www.rnbhaven.com/90s-music/lyrics/Return-Of-The-Mack/M/236/5482
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Hello, Yeah It's Been A While
Not much. How bout you?
Since vacation ended I've been busy. I came home to a whole new set of job responsibilities and the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Even though there's been a lot of pressure put on me with these new tasks I think it does me good in the long run. I've found my job more interesting recently -- always a big plus. I also have much more ammunition in the raise category. A few more weeks, enough to show what I've been producing (now that what I produce is a contractual obligation between my company and clients rather than just in-house) and I will go for that raise.
Personally, a thing has -- um, may have? -- come up but it's not really anything I want to talk about just yet. So I'll move on.
A co-worker of mine -- a rather nice-looking man a few years older than me but with a young attitude and a perennial bachelor -- invited me out for coffee after work a few days ago. The men friends I've told about this say it was a de facto date, something a man does when he doesn't have the cahones to ask you out on a real date but would rather test the waters. I was glad they agreed with my initial assessment of the situation. Anyway coffee ended up being dinner (a sandwich shop next door to the coffee joint, not anything we had to plan or drive to) and afterwards a pleasant goodbye and a "See you at work!"
He and I are vastly different people. We share outlooks on many things but come to them from different perspectives and first and foremost, he is quite religious and I am not at all. He's a very nice guy, don't get me wrong, but we're just different. I'm glad we spent time together and I hope that I can continue to have nice conversations with him but, unless he didn't get the vibes that I was sending his way, that is the extent of my interest.
It was a nice time, though. At least I wasn't in front of my computer.
Hah!
((Song: "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan & John Ford Coley. Lyrics here:
http://www.sappylovesongs.net/SeeYouTonight.html ))
Since vacation ended I've been busy. I came home to a whole new set of job responsibilities and the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Even though there's been a lot of pressure put on me with these new tasks I think it does me good in the long run. I've found my job more interesting recently -- always a big plus. I also have much more ammunition in the raise category. A few more weeks, enough to show what I've been producing (now that what I produce is a contractual obligation between my company and clients rather than just in-house) and I will go for that raise.
Personally, a thing has -- um, may have? -- come up but it's not really anything I want to talk about just yet. So I'll move on.
A co-worker of mine -- a rather nice-looking man a few years older than me but with a young attitude and a perennial bachelor -- invited me out for coffee after work a few days ago. The men friends I've told about this say it was a de facto date, something a man does when he doesn't have the cahones to ask you out on a real date but would rather test the waters. I was glad they agreed with my initial assessment of the situation. Anyway coffee ended up being dinner (a sandwich shop next door to the coffee joint, not anything we had to plan or drive to) and afterwards a pleasant goodbye and a "See you at work!"
He and I are vastly different people. We share outlooks on many things but come to them from different perspectives and first and foremost, he is quite religious and I am not at all. He's a very nice guy, don't get me wrong, but we're just different. I'm glad we spent time together and I hope that I can continue to have nice conversations with him but, unless he didn't get the vibes that I was sending his way, that is the extent of my interest.
It was a nice time, though. At least I wasn't in front of my computer.
Hah!
((Song: "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan & John Ford Coley. Lyrics here:
http://www.sappylovesongs.net/SeeYouTonight.html ))
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I'm Back In the Saddle Again
Checking in!
I'm back from my vacation. The parents and the kiddo and I had a great time. We ended up driving about 2700 miles total. It was a bit more rushed this time around than it was 2 years ago since we'd added one destination (Chicago) to our itinerary. This time around was a lot more tiring for my parents -- so much so that if we do it again next year or a few years from now we'll take a plane. If you knew my mom you'd have a surprised and shocked look on your face about now. My mom's never been on a plane and has always sworn she wouldn't do it. When she said that was what she intended to do I could tell she was even more tired than she was letting on. Frankly, I'm pleased as punch. The drive is brutal, my parents are getting older, and I don't want to do it again.
During my time in Chicago I had a wonderful reunion with the girl who was my next door neighbor and best friend during kindergarten and first grade. (I saw her briefly when we were 15 on a visit back but except for that, we hadn't seen each other since we were 7.) We spent an evening at her house and she and her husband threw a backyard cookout for us. They currently own the house three doors down from the house I used to live in and two doors down from the one she grew up in and in which her father still lives. It was fantastic to see her and her family and she and I really bonded again. She's a lovely person.
As an aside -- her brother, 7 years older than we are, was the one I contacted to find her again. He didn't remember me from Adam and hadn't spoken to me in 35 years and yet, by my picture on Facebook, he began to flirt, calling me sexy and cute and saying we should date and all. Oh sheesh! I don't want a relationship (least of all with the brother of a friend of mine!) and I wish I'd had the presence of mind to ask him, "Oh, well, thanks! But hmmmmm, it depends. Are you rich?"
I figure if he can judge whether he wants to date me (i.e., have sex with me) by a picture, I can judge whether I want to date him (i.e., have sex with him) by the size of his wallet. If we're comparing pleasures, a European tour is just as enjoyable as a good lay. Don't ever think I can't be as shallow as a man can!
The funny and priceless moment of the trip? My dad -- bless his heart -- couldn't seem to get it through his head that his 40-something daughter had been driving for over two decades and could probably read roadsigns and directions even in unfamiliar territories (especially given that for 10 years my career was reading maps!) So he'd sit in the back seat making comments about how he could see my exit coming up or something of that nature and fall back on, "Well, I'm just saying!" when he was called on it. But my kiddo, my brilliant, funny, sarcastically witty kiddo, who was sitting in the backseat with him, had finally had enough of this on the way home. To yet another upcoming exit comment, kiddo just calmly said, "Soooo, pawpaw, what are you now, a tour guide?"
I nearly spewed my mouthful of coffee through my nose.
That's my girl!
Other than the great times with family and friends and pursuing a hobby of mine that often requires travel, I learned something else of vital importance on this vacation. I mentioned in my last post about those silly throat issues I've had since last year. Something that I sort of wondered about (or sort of already knew) demonstrated itself clearly to me over the week and a half we were gone. I noticed my throat issues went away significantly during my vacation. As in, I forgot to take my peppermint oil pills and didn't even realize it until the day before we were scheduled to leave.
Upon realizing this I also realized another important thing. I was breathing. Deep and normal breaths. Not holding my breath without realizing it until I drew in a deep breath on purpose. Not the shallow ones that I'd grown accustomed to taking with my chest tight. Not ones that I had to slow down or speed up to feel right. Deep, normal, relaxed breaths. I realized this because the morning I awoke to head home, the old style of breathing and such began again. By the time I arrived in my parking lot I was feeling my throat for the first time in a week.
Sonofabitch. It's stress. Fucking stress. More than that -- anxiety. It's slowly been building up in me for years now, I guess. I just never really noticed it. Perhaps that was what ate my gall bladder away and began my GERD. Perhaps it's causing my migranes. Perhaps, even now, it's destroying the tissues of my throat. It seems finally my body's had enough and it's letting me know it can't manage it any longer without physical repercussions. I need to stop it before it does any more damage.
So what am I going to do about it?
((Song: "Back In The Saddle Again" by Aerosmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.aerosmithfans.com/cds/words/0401.html ))
I'm back from my vacation. The parents and the kiddo and I had a great time. We ended up driving about 2700 miles total. It was a bit more rushed this time around than it was 2 years ago since we'd added one destination (Chicago) to our itinerary. This time around was a lot more tiring for my parents -- so much so that if we do it again next year or a few years from now we'll take a plane. If you knew my mom you'd have a surprised and shocked look on your face about now. My mom's never been on a plane and has always sworn she wouldn't do it. When she said that was what she intended to do I could tell she was even more tired than she was letting on. Frankly, I'm pleased as punch. The drive is brutal, my parents are getting older, and I don't want to do it again.
During my time in Chicago I had a wonderful reunion with the girl who was my next door neighbor and best friend during kindergarten and first grade. (I saw her briefly when we were 15 on a visit back but except for that, we hadn't seen each other since we were 7.) We spent an evening at her house and she and her husband threw a backyard cookout for us. They currently own the house three doors down from the house I used to live in and two doors down from the one she grew up in and in which her father still lives. It was fantastic to see her and her family and she and I really bonded again. She's a lovely person.
As an aside -- her brother, 7 years older than we are, was the one I contacted to find her again. He didn't remember me from Adam and hadn't spoken to me in 35 years and yet, by my picture on Facebook, he began to flirt, calling me sexy and cute and saying we should date and all. Oh sheesh! I don't want a relationship (least of all with the brother of a friend of mine!) and I wish I'd had the presence of mind to ask him, "Oh, well, thanks! But hmmmmm, it depends. Are you rich?"
I figure if he can judge whether he wants to date me (i.e., have sex with me) by a picture, I can judge whether I want to date him (i.e., have sex with him) by the size of his wallet. If we're comparing pleasures, a European tour is just as enjoyable as a good lay. Don't ever think I can't be as shallow as a man can!
The funny and priceless moment of the trip? My dad -- bless his heart -- couldn't seem to get it through his head that his 40-something daughter had been driving for over two decades and could probably read roadsigns and directions even in unfamiliar territories (especially given that for 10 years my career was reading maps!) So he'd sit in the back seat making comments about how he could see my exit coming up or something of that nature and fall back on, "Well, I'm just saying!" when he was called on it. But my kiddo, my brilliant, funny, sarcastically witty kiddo, who was sitting in the backseat with him, had finally had enough of this on the way home. To yet another upcoming exit comment, kiddo just calmly said, "Soooo, pawpaw, what are you now, a tour guide?"
I nearly spewed my mouthful of coffee through my nose.
That's my girl!
Other than the great times with family and friends and pursuing a hobby of mine that often requires travel, I learned something else of vital importance on this vacation. I mentioned in my last post about those silly throat issues I've had since last year. Something that I sort of wondered about (or sort of already knew) demonstrated itself clearly to me over the week and a half we were gone. I noticed my throat issues went away significantly during my vacation. As in, I forgot to take my peppermint oil pills and didn't even realize it until the day before we were scheduled to leave.
Upon realizing this I also realized another important thing. I was breathing. Deep and normal breaths. Not holding my breath without realizing it until I drew in a deep breath on purpose. Not the shallow ones that I'd grown accustomed to taking with my chest tight. Not ones that I had to slow down or speed up to feel right. Deep, normal, relaxed breaths. I realized this because the morning I awoke to head home, the old style of breathing and such began again. By the time I arrived in my parking lot I was feeling my throat for the first time in a week.
Sonofabitch. It's stress. Fucking stress. More than that -- anxiety. It's slowly been building up in me for years now, I guess. I just never really noticed it. Perhaps that was what ate my gall bladder away and began my GERD. Perhaps it's causing my migranes. Perhaps, even now, it's destroying the tissues of my throat. It seems finally my body's had enough and it's letting me know it can't manage it any longer without physical repercussions. I need to stop it before it does any more damage.
So what am I going to do about it?
((Song: "Back In The Saddle Again" by Aerosmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.aerosmithfans.com/cds/words/0401.html ))
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Try To Realize It's All Within Yourself
I've got a vacation coming up. I leave for the midwest in a week's time and man, am I ever looking forward to it! I need some downtime. I love going to that part of the country. It's my childhood home and where I feel most connected. It's a chance for my kiddo and my parents and I to have a lot of laughs and bond and travel. We're planning to drive a total of about 2,000 miles when all is said and done.
I know most people don't like traveling or spending an inordinate amount of time with their parents when you get older -- and I'm no different in most instances -- but this particular trip is an exception. We all go to one midwestern state and visit my brother and sister in law (and we always have a good time with them) before we head out to another midwestern state to spend a few more days with some wonderful cousins. My kiddo has already made lasting memories of her grandparents from the last trip and she'll make more on this one. My parents are in their mid- to late-60s and are my kiddo's only grandparents now since both my ex's parents are dead. Who knows how much longer we'll have my parents around? Spending time with them for both our sakes is important to me.
BFF's daughter has been worried about me, apparently. She said I didn't seem happy. She was right, I haven't been feeling that grand the last couple weeks. I'm feeling much better emotionally though than I was last week, even if physically things are still bothering me. My left calf is starting to tingle and hurt and go to sleep, I've gained enough weight to feel like a real slug, and my throat issues are starting to escalate again (though I'm not sure if it's actually escalating or if the stress is kicking it into high gear.) It's just another reason why going on this trip should be a good thing for me. Jeez, all it seems I'm doing is a constant stream of bitch, bitch, bitch.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I know something's wrong with me. It may not be something that will show itself for years yet but it's there. I hope I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac and that I'll be hale and hearty well into my 70s but I just dont see that happening. I'm already on more medication than my 100-yr old grandmother ever took in her life.
Someday I'll be more accepting of it. My mom tells me her 50's were much better than her 40's because she'd moved past a lot of the midlife changes and I'm inclined to believe her. If you really think about it, remember how much happened to you between 13-20? Your body was rapidly changing and your mind was doing the same. I really believe the so-called 'midlife crisis' is like that was, except now we're a lot less adaptable. Seriously! Less adaptable? You bet! Back then we didn't really understand what real difference was and we certainly didn't feel like we were losing ground. We were moving forward then, into adulthood. Now we're so used to being a certain way and having our bodies do what we need them to do and then life comes along and changes the game plan. You'd think we'd be smarter about it now since we should be able to see what the issues are, but instead of rolling with it or celebrating it? We try to fight it. We fight because we don't feel we're moving forward, we feel we're being forced to give away what we know about who we are. We feel like we're backpedaling or slipping into obscurity. No one wants that. It's a battle, dammit. Our major weapon? Denial.
Sheesh. As lazy as I am, as unambitious and accepting, you'd think I'd just go ahead and give in already! Surrender the field. I know I should. I know that if I did a lot of the stress and anger and melancholy would go with it since it's something that will happen no matter what I do. But somehow it feels that if I give up and let it get me.....I'll become truly old. Old means impending death. And death? I'm not religious. I don't believe there's anything out there after. It's truly an end. I. AM. DONE.
That's what the crux is. I can't seem to accept that. Not yet. So I keep fighting.....
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp))
I know most people don't like traveling or spending an inordinate amount of time with their parents when you get older -- and I'm no different in most instances -- but this particular trip is an exception. We all go to one midwestern state and visit my brother and sister in law (and we always have a good time with them) before we head out to another midwestern state to spend a few more days with some wonderful cousins. My kiddo has already made lasting memories of her grandparents from the last trip and she'll make more on this one. My parents are in their mid- to late-60s and are my kiddo's only grandparents now since both my ex's parents are dead. Who knows how much longer we'll have my parents around? Spending time with them for both our sakes is important to me.
BFF's daughter has been worried about me, apparently. She said I didn't seem happy. She was right, I haven't been feeling that grand the last couple weeks. I'm feeling much better emotionally though than I was last week, even if physically things are still bothering me. My left calf is starting to tingle and hurt and go to sleep, I've gained enough weight to feel like a real slug, and my throat issues are starting to escalate again (though I'm not sure if it's actually escalating or if the stress is kicking it into high gear.) It's just another reason why going on this trip should be a good thing for me. Jeez, all it seems I'm doing is a constant stream of bitch, bitch, bitch.
I guess what it all comes down to is this: I know something's wrong with me. It may not be something that will show itself for years yet but it's there. I hope I'm just being a stupid hypochondriac and that I'll be hale and hearty well into my 70s but I just dont see that happening. I'm already on more medication than my 100-yr old grandmother ever took in her life.
Someday I'll be more accepting of it. My mom tells me her 50's were much better than her 40's because she'd moved past a lot of the midlife changes and I'm inclined to believe her. If you really think about it, remember how much happened to you between 13-20? Your body was rapidly changing and your mind was doing the same. I really believe the so-called 'midlife crisis' is like that was, except now we're a lot less adaptable. Seriously! Less adaptable? You bet! Back then we didn't really understand what real difference was and we certainly didn't feel like we were losing ground. We were moving forward then, into adulthood. Now we're so used to being a certain way and having our bodies do what we need them to do and then life comes along and changes the game plan. You'd think we'd be smarter about it now since we should be able to see what the issues are, but instead of rolling with it or celebrating it? We try to fight it. We fight because we don't feel we're moving forward, we feel we're being forced to give away what we know about who we are. We feel like we're backpedaling or slipping into obscurity. No one wants that. It's a battle, dammit. Our major weapon? Denial.
Sheesh. As lazy as I am, as unambitious and accepting, you'd think I'd just go ahead and give in already! Surrender the field. I know I should. I know that if I did a lot of the stress and anger and melancholy would go with it since it's something that will happen no matter what I do. But somehow it feels that if I give up and let it get me.....I'll become truly old. Old means impending death. And death? I'm not religious. I don't believe there's anything out there after. It's truly an end. I. AM. DONE.
That's what the crux is. I can't seem to accept that. Not yet. So I keep fighting.....
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp))
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Act Your Age, Mama, Not Your Shoe Size
This'll be a short little post this time around. It's late and I should be in bed. Instead I've been surfing the net looking at pictures of that gorgeous man, Ian Somerhalder. He plays Damon Salvatore on "The Vampire Diaries." Now if HE was a vampire in real life he could bite me anytime he liked.....
Er, as long as he gave me some notice. Maybe a few weeks or so. Why? So I could go get lipo and a tummy tuck. After all, I need to look GOOD if I'm going to be immortal!
Kiddo told me something amusing last weekend that I'm just now getting around to posting. She and her dad had been planning a pool get-together with their cousin for weeks. A few days before the scheduled get together, Yo finds out her sister is going to meet some guy that Yo's been wanting her to get together with. Yo decides she wants to be there with her sister and wants to stay home instead of go to the pool party thing.
Now if it'd been me I would have scooted the ex and the kiddo off to the pool party and stayed behind to make sure my sis hooked up with some guy if it had been that important to me. But not Yo! She wanted the ex and the kiddo to cancel their plans and stay home with her! Hah! The ex apparently tried to explain to her that this had all been planned for weeks and that it was rude to cancel at the last minute but Yo would hear none of it and -- according to the kiddo -- she stomped out of the house in a fit of temper and went to the park. Sheeeeeesh. I almost feel for the guy.
Almost.
Kiddo said the ex told her that she could go on by herself if she liked but she didn't. I think she really wanted to spend the time with her dad. So he caved. Dumbass. All that does is train her to act like a child if she wants to get her way. Ah well. We all make our beds, don't we?
((Song: "Kiss" by Prince. Lyrics here:
http://www.project80s.com/lyrics/song-lyrics.php?song=kiss-prince-revolution))
Er, as long as he gave me some notice. Maybe a few weeks or so. Why? So I could go get lipo and a tummy tuck. After all, I need to look GOOD if I'm going to be immortal!
Kiddo told me something amusing last weekend that I'm just now getting around to posting. She and her dad had been planning a pool get-together with their cousin for weeks. A few days before the scheduled get together, Yo finds out her sister is going to meet some guy that Yo's been wanting her to get together with. Yo decides she wants to be there with her sister and wants to stay home instead of go to the pool party thing.
Now if it'd been me I would have scooted the ex and the kiddo off to the pool party and stayed behind to make sure my sis hooked up with some guy if it had been that important to me. But not Yo! She wanted the ex and the kiddo to cancel their plans and stay home with her! Hah! The ex apparently tried to explain to her that this had all been planned for weeks and that it was rude to cancel at the last minute but Yo would hear none of it and -- according to the kiddo -- she stomped out of the house in a fit of temper and went to the park. Sheeeeeesh. I almost feel for the guy.
Almost.
Kiddo said the ex told her that she could go on by herself if she liked but she didn't. I think she really wanted to spend the time with her dad. So he caved. Dumbass. All that does is train her to act like a child if she wants to get her way. Ah well. We all make our beds, don't we?
((Song: "Kiss" by Prince. Lyrics here:
http://www.project80s.com/lyrics/song-lyrics.php?song=kiss-prince-revolution))
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
All I Have To Do Is Dream
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was something about riding on a train and traveling through Europe or whatever, but even weirder was sitting at a round table talking to someone while my mom dissected her father's torso like some bizarro scientific lab experiment. And even weirder than THAT? It didn't seem weird to me that she would be doing that. I would love to know what all that means. Ha!
I've been back to the gym now a couple times this week and so far so good. I hope I lose some of the visceral fat I've stored but I won't be holding my breath. Speaking of holding my breath, the past couple days I have noticed pain on the right side of my chest at the end of the inhalation when I breathe in very deeply. Eh. Hopefully it goes away. Anyway, I've got to keep exercising and get my circulation going. I'll do this for a few more weeks before I gauge how it might be helping the edema in my legs.
Christ, I sound 80.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. Hopefully kiddo can come by and we can head over to BFF's house to watch "True Blood" together but I kinda doubt it since she's watching my exSIL's disabled dachshund. Maybe next week! speaking of, I really need to get together with exSIL over the summer. Not only am I her exSIL because I divorced her husband's brother, but she's soon to be divorced from her hub as well. What does that make us? Still exSILs? Hm. Yeah, I think that still works. She's a great lady and a lot of fun. She reminds me of Carrie on SATC so that's gonna be her nickname here. Carrie!
Still having loads of fun with 30b. He's my virtual boyfriend -- at least he's my char's BF and my FWB -- and I get all the great parts and none of the crap. Wow. Seriously, who needs to go get a real one?
((Song: "All I Have To Do Is Dream" by the Everly Brothers. Lyrics here:
http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/the_everly_brothers/all_i_have_to_do_is_dream.html ))
I've been back to the gym now a couple times this week and so far so good. I hope I lose some of the visceral fat I've stored but I won't be holding my breath. Speaking of holding my breath, the past couple days I have noticed pain on the right side of my chest at the end of the inhalation when I breathe in very deeply. Eh. Hopefully it goes away. Anyway, I've got to keep exercising and get my circulation going. I'll do this for a few more weeks before I gauge how it might be helping the edema in my legs.
Christ, I sound 80.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. Hopefully kiddo can come by and we can head over to BFF's house to watch "True Blood" together but I kinda doubt it since she's watching my exSIL's disabled dachshund. Maybe next week! speaking of, I really need to get together with exSIL over the summer. Not only am I her exSIL because I divorced her husband's brother, but she's soon to be divorced from her hub as well. What does that make us? Still exSILs? Hm. Yeah, I think that still works. She's a great lady and a lot of fun. She reminds me of Carrie on SATC so that's gonna be her nickname here. Carrie!
Still having loads of fun with 30b. He's my virtual boyfriend -- at least he's my char's BF and my FWB -- and I get all the great parts and none of the crap. Wow. Seriously, who needs to go get a real one?
((Song: "All I Have To Do Is Dream" by the Everly Brothers. Lyrics here:
http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/the_everly_brothers/all_i_have_to_do_is_dream.html ))
Friday, June 11, 2010
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
Earlier this week the ex texted me and wanted me to meet with him and Yo at a local restaurant to talk over some things about the kiddo. It was in regards to an interesting dilemma that I'm sure many parents of gay and lesbian teens face -- "should she have sleepovers with friends that are girls?" We had a long talk about it. Some things were said that I took exception to (mostly about the general concept as opposed to the kiddo herself) and by evening's end things were worked out to a conclusion that was acceptable to all parties, including the kiddo.
The things I took exception to were about sex in general. I was surprised that I took exception to them, actually, and while listening to the ex and Yo talk I was quietly amused at myself at how far I've come in the last three years since my divorce.
The ex and Yo upheld that double standard -- the thing that chafed at me as a young woman and chafes at me doubly so now. A son? Well, he's supposed to have sex or at least isn't crucified if he does. A daughter? We taught her better than that, and oh no, he's a whore! Grrr. Something else said made me wonder how getting someone pregnant was less tragic than getting pregnant. Even when reminded that our kiddo wouldn't get pregnant I could see that the issue of his daughter's sexuality (not being lesbian, just being a female!) was an uncomfortable one for him.
Female sexuality. Ah yes. We're supposed to be the picky choosy ones. Held to a better standard of behavior and dismissed or denigrated if we don't uphold it. It reminded me of when the ex and I were dating and I slept with him on the first night, but rebuffed him for a few weeks after that. Some months later he remarked that he had at first held no respect for me until I began to rebuff him. I remembered how livid I was that he felt he could sit in judgement of me while reserving no equal judgment concerning his own behavior. Objectively I understand the underlying concern -- "if she'll give it away to me so easily, than how can I be certain she won't give it to someone else or that I'm special?" but sujectively, it is nothing but hypocrisy to me. I guess since I have changed my attitude about sex from 'only done when in love with grave seriousness" to "enjoy it as the pleasure that it is as such things may be fleeting," this sort of insecurity is something I have little patience with.
Hand me the bad parent of the year award right now if you wish but I wasn't overly concerned about the idea of my daughter having sex with a girlfriend. She's 17, she knows about STDs, her risk of pregnancy is nil, and realistically I know that a few hours grabbed at someone's house hanging out of an evening is just as easy for a rendezvous as anything else. She's lesbian but she's also a girl, and females (broadly speaking) are not as indiscriminately sex-focused as males. Whereas men think sexual thoughts dozens of times a day, women can and do go days without having a sexual thought. I am simply not as concerned about my almost-adult daughter's choices.
That said, I know she's in a vastly different place than I am. I'm careful not to share the breadth of my sexual life with my daughter just yet. She needs to learn about her own reactions to situations and how she feels before she tries to emulate the more world-weary attitudes that I have as a 40+ woman. She's not there yet. She doesn't need me to confuse the issue. I give her age-appropriate answers when she asks and share my thoughts that sex should be and is a very important and intimate facet of a relationship. I let her know that compatibility is vitally important.
In other somewhat related news, the ex and Yo have been trying to get pregnant, something I've known about for the last couple months. She's been taking prenatal vitamins and all. Well, it appears that they've been having difficulties and she's saying it can't be her because she had a baby just five years ago while it's been 17 for him so she's wanting to get him tested. He'll have to go do a happy in a cup, I suppose. Ha! He asked me if I thought they might've clipped something during his testicular tortion surgery about 15 yrs back. Maybe, but in doing a bit of research it's more likely his body produced anti-sperm antibodies, something that is apparently a side-effect of the tortion and surgery. Who knows? That's for them to worry about....
I've been playing about with the new templates and will for a while. Bear with me!
((Song: "Let's Talk About Sex" by Salt-n-Pepa. Lyrics here:
http://www.popculturemadness.com/Music/Lyrics/Lets-Talk-About-Sex-Salt-n-Pepa.html))
The things I took exception to were about sex in general. I was surprised that I took exception to them, actually, and while listening to the ex and Yo talk I was quietly amused at myself at how far I've come in the last three years since my divorce.
The ex and Yo upheld that double standard -- the thing that chafed at me as a young woman and chafes at me doubly so now. A son? Well, he's supposed to have sex or at least isn't crucified if he does. A daughter? We taught her better than that, and oh no, he's a whore! Grrr. Something else said made me wonder how getting someone pregnant was less tragic than getting pregnant. Even when reminded that our kiddo wouldn't get pregnant I could see that the issue of his daughter's sexuality (not being lesbian, just being a female!) was an uncomfortable one for him.
Female sexuality. Ah yes. We're supposed to be the picky choosy ones. Held to a better standard of behavior and dismissed or denigrated if we don't uphold it. It reminded me of when the ex and I were dating and I slept with him on the first night, but rebuffed him for a few weeks after that. Some months later he remarked that he had at first held no respect for me until I began to rebuff him. I remembered how livid I was that he felt he could sit in judgement of me while reserving no equal judgment concerning his own behavior. Objectively I understand the underlying concern -- "if she'll give it away to me so easily, than how can I be certain she won't give it to someone else or that I'm special?" but sujectively, it is nothing but hypocrisy to me. I guess since I have changed my attitude about sex from 'only done when in love with grave seriousness" to "enjoy it as the pleasure that it is as such things may be fleeting," this sort of insecurity is something I have little patience with.
Hand me the bad parent of the year award right now if you wish but I wasn't overly concerned about the idea of my daughter having sex with a girlfriend. She's 17, she knows about STDs, her risk of pregnancy is nil, and realistically I know that a few hours grabbed at someone's house hanging out of an evening is just as easy for a rendezvous as anything else. She's lesbian but she's also a girl, and females (broadly speaking) are not as indiscriminately sex-focused as males. Whereas men think sexual thoughts dozens of times a day, women can and do go days without having a sexual thought. I am simply not as concerned about my almost-adult daughter's choices.
That said, I know she's in a vastly different place than I am. I'm careful not to share the breadth of my sexual life with my daughter just yet. She needs to learn about her own reactions to situations and how she feels before she tries to emulate the more world-weary attitudes that I have as a 40+ woman. She's not there yet. She doesn't need me to confuse the issue. I give her age-appropriate answers when she asks and share my thoughts that sex should be and is a very important and intimate facet of a relationship. I let her know that compatibility is vitally important.
In other somewhat related news, the ex and Yo have been trying to get pregnant, something I've known about for the last couple months. She's been taking prenatal vitamins and all. Well, it appears that they've been having difficulties and she's saying it can't be her because she had a baby just five years ago while it's been 17 for him so she's wanting to get him tested. He'll have to go do a happy in a cup, I suppose. Ha! He asked me if I thought they might've clipped something during his testicular tortion surgery about 15 yrs back. Maybe, but in doing a bit of research it's more likely his body produced anti-sperm antibodies, something that is apparently a side-effect of the tortion and surgery. Who knows? That's for them to worry about....
I've been playing about with the new templates and will for a while. Bear with me!
((Song: "Let's Talk About Sex" by Salt-n-Pepa. Lyrics here:
http://www.popculturemadness.com/Music/Lyrics/Lets-Talk-About-Sex-Salt-n-Pepa.html))
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I'm Living Every Minute...
Let's see......
1) It's All For The Best moment -- Mr. Epic Fail of the previous post has bowed out of the ring. That's quite all right by me. I haven't missed him a bit.
2) Great news of the week -- HD told me last night he just might be able to get to the States! I'm thrilled about that and will make a herculean effort to meet him wherever he may be. It might be (probably will be) my only chance so I am there.
3) Relating to #2 -- Now to get the body I had a year or so back. Man, have I let myself go. I think I'm only a couple pounds from my cutoff weight of 140 and for a 5'0" woman, 140 is getting a bit on the iffy side of chunky. So hi ho, hi ho, it's to the gym I go! Next week! I just got a good rejoin deal from my old gym sent to me so I'll take advantage of it this week and sign back up. I'll start off doing spin 3 days a week until I make sure it doesn't kill me and then add strength training.
4) Berate self pause -- TOO MANY CARBS! Bad girl! Bad!
5) "Drop Dead Diva" is a damn funny show. It's borderline goofball and trite at times but there are very few shows that aren't at one time or another. The lead character is great and it's one of those things you can sit back and watch. Other shows (from both this side of the pond and overseas) that are great: "Dead Like Me," "The Vampire Diaries," "Being Human," "Dexter," "True Blood," and "Being Erica."
6) Argh, I have floaties in my eyes that are bugging me. That and I've noticed my vision is a little cloudier and I have to hold things farther away. Age is grand. Not.
7) Haven't thought of an appropriate nickname for my sweet 30-boy from last month but he is a true and total dear. FWB? Yeah, that might have to do though I'd rather have something a bit more unique than that. (Hell, maybe just 30b?) He mentioned the phrase himself last night and then admitted he was a bit awkward about that designation as it wasn't something he'd ever indulged in before. But we're still having a good time and he's a hell of a lot of fun. No gift horse looking here!
Okay, I'm done. Peace out!
((Song: "S.E.X" by Adam and the Ants. Lyrics here:
http://www.project80s.com/lyrics/song-lyrics.php?song=sex-adam-ant ))
1) It's All For The Best moment -- Mr. Epic Fail of the previous post has bowed out of the ring. That's quite all right by me. I haven't missed him a bit.
2) Great news of the week -- HD told me last night he just might be able to get to the States! I'm thrilled about that and will make a herculean effort to meet him wherever he may be. It might be (probably will be) my only chance so I am there.
3) Relating to #2 -- Now to get the body I had a year or so back. Man, have I let myself go. I think I'm only a couple pounds from my cutoff weight of 140 and for a 5'0" woman, 140 is getting a bit on the iffy side of chunky. So hi ho, hi ho, it's to the gym I go! Next week! I just got a good rejoin deal from my old gym sent to me so I'll take advantage of it this week and sign back up. I'll start off doing spin 3 days a week until I make sure it doesn't kill me and then add strength training.
4) Berate self pause -- TOO MANY CARBS! Bad girl! Bad!
5) "Drop Dead Diva" is a damn funny show. It's borderline goofball and trite at times but there are very few shows that aren't at one time or another. The lead character is great and it's one of those things you can sit back and watch. Other shows (from both this side of the pond and overseas) that are great: "Dead Like Me," "The Vampire Diaries," "Being Human," "Dexter," "True Blood," and "Being Erica."
6) Argh, I have floaties in my eyes that are bugging me. That and I've noticed my vision is a little cloudier and I have to hold things farther away. Age is grand. Not.
7) Haven't thought of an appropriate nickname for my sweet 30-boy from last month but he is a true and total dear. FWB? Yeah, that might have to do though I'd rather have something a bit more unique than that. (Hell, maybe just 30b?) He mentioned the phrase himself last night and then admitted he was a bit awkward about that designation as it wasn't something he'd ever indulged in before. But we're still having a good time and he's a hell of a lot of fun. No gift horse looking here!
Okay, I'm done. Peace out!
((Song: "S.E.X" by Adam and the Ants. Lyrics here:
http://www.project80s.com/lyrics/song-lyrics.php?song=sex-adam-ant ))
Friday, May 28, 2010
Put Me In, Coach, I'm Ready to Play
What a difference a week makes. The ball has definitely been in my court and I've made some choice plays. The one I made the night before last was the most telling.
For background, he and I chatted on Skype a bit last weekend and as a result he's apparently assumed he's got some leeway with me permanently because I decided to allow a bit of it temporarily. Initially I thought that might've been a mistake but you know, the more I think about it, the more I think it was a smart move. It's brought out some behaviors that have been deducting points from his initial score.
So he's popped in game a couple of times over the last week while I've been busy interacting with another player. The first time he did he was chatty for a bit before becoming a little frisky. Okay, so though I took note of it and my reaction to it, I let that one slide. The second time he popped in he said hello, so did I, and then we began to interact in-game. Things were fine at the outset but by the end of the evening things got a little more intense but not beyond reason. Before he logged out he made an out of character comment about being slightly drunk. Ah well. He logged and that was that.
But this third time, night before last? He definitely overplayed his hand. He popped in and didn't say anything but hello before segueing into how I could help him out of what he called his unstimulated state. Wow, I thought, what the fuck, dude? Really? I moved to stage one of my kiss-off maneuvers and told him I was busy and that he'd have to find another avenue to pursue. Think he got the hint with that? Nope. Okaaaay. On to stage two, the 'let's see if there's a reasonable excuse for his poor judgment' stage. I asked him if he'd been drinking. This should have not only clued him into the fact that I hadn't responded favorably but also that he was exhibiting behavior I thought bad enough to originate from alcoholic lack of inhibition. Nope, he didn't catch this hint either! He said he'd only had one. Okay, not enough for that excuse to fly.
Another comment and that was that. I'd had enough. I told him he might want to back off; objectifying me wasn't a turn on and if he wanted to continue to speak to me he'd speak to my brain and not my body parts.
He backpedaled fast. Apologized, three times, profusely, and then left. I haven't seen him since.
A side comment: his disappearing act is fascinating. It means he knows he overplayed his hand. One strong word from a woman and all his macho bravado aside, he scurries off to hide when confronted. He's way softer and more dependent on women than he lets on. Some of his background story makes more sense in light of his actions here. Hmm....
Anyway, the moral to this story is an interesting one. There are times and places for this kind of stuff. It's not that I'm a prude, far from it, especially in this aspect of the seduction game! The mental backing and forthing is fantastic for me. I thoroughly enjoy bantering in this manner and I generally take it as the compliment it is when it's the right time and place. What I mean by that is, generally there's this wavelength you're looking for and you need to be able to read the receptiveness of your partner before you forge ahead. If you don't, you just end up crossing the border between sexy and crude. Major fail.
I'm sure he's licking his wounds and figuring out how to fix it. It'll be interesting to see his approach. Contrite, is my guess. We'll wait for him to take his turn.
((Song: "Centerfield" by John Fogerty. Lyrics here:
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/po_scf.shtml ))
For background, he and I chatted on Skype a bit last weekend and as a result he's apparently assumed he's got some leeway with me permanently because I decided to allow a bit of it temporarily. Initially I thought that might've been a mistake but you know, the more I think about it, the more I think it was a smart move. It's brought out some behaviors that have been deducting points from his initial score.
So he's popped in game a couple of times over the last week while I've been busy interacting with another player. The first time he did he was chatty for a bit before becoming a little frisky. Okay, so though I took note of it and my reaction to it, I let that one slide. The second time he popped in he said hello, so did I, and then we began to interact in-game. Things were fine at the outset but by the end of the evening things got a little more intense but not beyond reason. Before he logged out he made an out of character comment about being slightly drunk. Ah well. He logged and that was that.
But this third time, night before last? He definitely overplayed his hand. He popped in and didn't say anything but hello before segueing into how I could help him out of what he called his unstimulated state. Wow, I thought, what the fuck, dude? Really? I moved to stage one of my kiss-off maneuvers and told him I was busy and that he'd have to find another avenue to pursue. Think he got the hint with that? Nope. Okaaaay. On to stage two, the 'let's see if there's a reasonable excuse for his poor judgment' stage. I asked him if he'd been drinking. This should have not only clued him into the fact that I hadn't responded favorably but also that he was exhibiting behavior I thought bad enough to originate from alcoholic lack of inhibition. Nope, he didn't catch this hint either! He said he'd only had one. Okay, not enough for that excuse to fly.
Another comment and that was that. I'd had enough. I told him he might want to back off; objectifying me wasn't a turn on and if he wanted to continue to speak to me he'd speak to my brain and not my body parts.
He backpedaled fast. Apologized, three times, profusely, and then left. I haven't seen him since.
A side comment: his disappearing act is fascinating. It means he knows he overplayed his hand. One strong word from a woman and all his macho bravado aside, he scurries off to hide when confronted. He's way softer and more dependent on women than he lets on. Some of his background story makes more sense in light of his actions here. Hmm....
Anyway, the moral to this story is an interesting one. There are times and places for this kind of stuff. It's not that I'm a prude, far from it, especially in this aspect of the seduction game! The mental backing and forthing is fantastic for me. I thoroughly enjoy bantering in this manner and I generally take it as the compliment it is when it's the right time and place. What I mean by that is, generally there's this wavelength you're looking for and you need to be able to read the receptiveness of your partner before you forge ahead. If you don't, you just end up crossing the border between sexy and crude. Major fail.
I'm sure he's licking his wounds and figuring out how to fix it. It'll be interesting to see his approach. Contrite, is my guess. We'll wait for him to take his turn.
((Song: "Centerfield" by John Fogerty. Lyrics here:
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/po_scf.shtml ))
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Would You Run Away? Would You Stay?
So when it rains, it pours.
About three weeks ago an online chat turned into what I'd call the chat version of drunk dialing. I saw him in IRC and messaged him to exchange a hello how you doing and before I knew it he was flirting, teasing and suggesting, his tone definitely different than his normal reserved attitude. Confused at first by this change (he'd been keeping me at a careful distance, only once or twice hinting of the reason behind the distance he studiously maintained) it became clearer when he told me he was drunk. Inebriation opened up the floodgates and he told me more about his life and his relationships with the people in it than I ever assumed he would. He also didn't hint any longer at the reason behind his reserve, telling me he'd kept his distance precisely because from the moment we'd met he'd been interested and he didn't want to be 'that guy.'
The chat as a whole was interesting, to be sure, laced with revelation at first that soon spiraled into innuendo spiced with the witty repartee of two people intent on seeing who could best manipulate the other's reaction. We both wondered who would take the crown from the other, intellectual equals performing an intricate dance. It felt very much like a scene from my favorite movie, Dangerous Liaisons. Even drunk he was very good at it. I enjoyed myself immensely.
We agreed to meet the next day on IRC. He never showed and frankly, I attributed it to a sober day-after kneejerk freakout and let it go at that. He disappeared for weeks, only surfacing last evening. He explained his absence as a need to stop the drinking he was doing and to get a handle on some things in his life. Now that's fine and dandy. He's a big boy with his own life and his own issues and none of those things involve me or will involve me.
I asked him if he remembered that he had invited me to come out and visit him over a weekend this fall. He said he had. He wondered if -- given his disappearing act -- the interest was even still there.
Hm. Food for thought. I admit I am intrigued. I am also hesitant. Boy's got issues. On the one hand, they're not mine and a day or two won't make them so. I can go home and leave them at his feet and say au revoir. On the other, he was a little more pushy sober than I might've liked and how he responds to my dial down request about that will definitely factor into it all.
As it is, I played extremely hard to get, dangling just enough carrot out there to keep him wondering if he'd make some tactical errors with me. He had. He'd conceded the court to me and I felt no guilt in taking the field. The next play is up to me.
I think the crown is mine.
((Song: "What Would Happen" by Meredith Brooks. Lyrics here:
https://www.msu.edu/~ovittles/lyrics/whatwouldhappen.htm ))
About three weeks ago an online chat turned into what I'd call the chat version of drunk dialing. I saw him in IRC and messaged him to exchange a hello how you doing and before I knew it he was flirting, teasing and suggesting, his tone definitely different than his normal reserved attitude. Confused at first by this change (he'd been keeping me at a careful distance, only once or twice hinting of the reason behind the distance he studiously maintained) it became clearer when he told me he was drunk. Inebriation opened up the floodgates and he told me more about his life and his relationships with the people in it than I ever assumed he would. He also didn't hint any longer at the reason behind his reserve, telling me he'd kept his distance precisely because from the moment we'd met he'd been interested and he didn't want to be 'that guy.'
The chat as a whole was interesting, to be sure, laced with revelation at first that soon spiraled into innuendo spiced with the witty repartee of two people intent on seeing who could best manipulate the other's reaction. We both wondered who would take the crown from the other, intellectual equals performing an intricate dance. It felt very much like a scene from my favorite movie, Dangerous Liaisons. Even drunk he was very good at it. I enjoyed myself immensely.
We agreed to meet the next day on IRC. He never showed and frankly, I attributed it to a sober day-after kneejerk freakout and let it go at that. He disappeared for weeks, only surfacing last evening. He explained his absence as a need to stop the drinking he was doing and to get a handle on some things in his life. Now that's fine and dandy. He's a big boy with his own life and his own issues and none of those things involve me or will involve me.
I asked him if he remembered that he had invited me to come out and visit him over a weekend this fall. He said he had. He wondered if -- given his disappearing act -- the interest was even still there.
Hm. Food for thought. I admit I am intrigued. I am also hesitant. Boy's got issues. On the one hand, they're not mine and a day or two won't make them so. I can go home and leave them at his feet and say au revoir. On the other, he was a little more pushy sober than I might've liked and how he responds to my dial down request about that will definitely factor into it all.
As it is, I played extremely hard to get, dangling just enough carrot out there to keep him wondering if he'd make some tactical errors with me. He had. He'd conceded the court to me and I felt no guilt in taking the field. The next play is up to me.
I think the crown is mine.
((Song: "What Would Happen" by Meredith Brooks. Lyrics here:
https://www.msu.edu/~ovittles/lyrics/whatwouldhappen.htm ))
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
We’d Like To Help You Learn To Help Yourself
There's a certain amount of freedom that comes to you as you get older -- at least for me personally. As a girl and young woman I was very rigid about what I thought was proper behavior and very hard on myself/good with excuses when I didn't live up to it. I'm now finding that rigidity is loosening a lot. I'm more sure of myself and less concerned with what others may think about what I do or feel. I know what I need and how I operate. It's funny, though. Years ago I would have looked at the current me and thought she was a slut.
Why? Because I was an idealist. I had a certain idea of how love, sex and romance was and how the three were supposed to be intertwined. I think most women suffer from this ideal to some extent and the differences come in how we choose to resolve it. In my case, I believed sex without true emotion was empty and meaningless. I found little enjoyment in it and no reason to participate in it. Though I still feel sex with emotion is preferable, my determination of the emotions I find acceptable has broadened. I've learned that I'm now capable of more separation than I was capable of in my younger years. I attribute this to the fact that I no longer need a man to help me define who I am. Sadly, I think men manage to go through that journey a lot faster than we women do but we do get there, usually in our late 30s and early 40s. I think it's the origin of why women in that age group are termed 'at their sexual peak.'
Now my regular readers know that I have medical issues regarding my sexual function and also know my feelings about those issues, so I won't rehash much of it here again unless I need to augment my discussion. I had a visitor a few weekends ago, a younger man of 30. I've known him for years though we'd never met face to face, but never got to know him well until we got reacquainted about six months ago. We now spend a lot of time together online -- he's smart and funny, easy to correspond with, considerate, and a bit shy until you get to know him. He's also not my type, for many reasons. He's a smoker. He's got a few personality tics that would drive me crazy over the long term. And he's a large guy, whereas I prefer skinnier guys. So yeah, initially I didn't consider him. I'd invited him to stay at my place over a weekend in which we'd be traveling together to meet a number of others and we ended up having a day's layover before he flew home. As it turned out, it was an interesting evening indeed.
I won't go any further into detail except to say two things. I took him a few places he'd never went before -- and plan to take him a few more in the future -- and he gave me the sense that I was appreciated regardless of my limitations, something I definitely needed. I had a great time. Mrs. Robinson indeed! He left and we've laughed and talked about it since. No strings, no worries. Just a good time. I woke up calm, I smiled about it, and I haven't stopped smiling each time I think about it.
So I'm finally moving towards real peace with this aspect of myself. I have a few people to thank for easing me into it over the years. HD for sure, he was the first to expose me to the possibility that it was not something I needed to hide from but explore and be aware of, and that it was okay to be that way. A couple trips and skips later -- a few times of feeling vaguely guilty or ashamed -- and finally this young guy comes along, this young guy I would have looked at in the past and never considered at all, but am now so glad that I did. I finally got pushed over that edge. It's about time I fully embraced and accepted the fact that my current reality is different from my ancient ideal, and that instead of whining any longer about what isn't, decide to truly enjoy what is.
((Song: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel. Lyrics here:
http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/mrs_robinson.html ))
Why? Because I was an idealist. I had a certain idea of how love, sex and romance was and how the three were supposed to be intertwined. I think most women suffer from this ideal to some extent and the differences come in how we choose to resolve it. In my case, I believed sex without true emotion was empty and meaningless. I found little enjoyment in it and no reason to participate in it. Though I still feel sex with emotion is preferable, my determination of the emotions I find acceptable has broadened. I've learned that I'm now capable of more separation than I was capable of in my younger years. I attribute this to the fact that I no longer need a man to help me define who I am. Sadly, I think men manage to go through that journey a lot faster than we women do but we do get there, usually in our late 30s and early 40s. I think it's the origin of why women in that age group are termed 'at their sexual peak.'
Now my regular readers know that I have medical issues regarding my sexual function and also know my feelings about those issues, so I won't rehash much of it here again unless I need to augment my discussion. I had a visitor a few weekends ago, a younger man of 30. I've known him for years though we'd never met face to face, but never got to know him well until we got reacquainted about six months ago. We now spend a lot of time together online -- he's smart and funny, easy to correspond with, considerate, and a bit shy until you get to know him. He's also not my type, for many reasons. He's a smoker. He's got a few personality tics that would drive me crazy over the long term. And he's a large guy, whereas I prefer skinnier guys. So yeah, initially I didn't consider him. I'd invited him to stay at my place over a weekend in which we'd be traveling together to meet a number of others and we ended up having a day's layover before he flew home. As it turned out, it was an interesting evening indeed.
I won't go any further into detail except to say two things. I took him a few places he'd never went before -- and plan to take him a few more in the future -- and he gave me the sense that I was appreciated regardless of my limitations, something I definitely needed. I had a great time. Mrs. Robinson indeed! He left and we've laughed and talked about it since. No strings, no worries. Just a good time. I woke up calm, I smiled about it, and I haven't stopped smiling each time I think about it.
So I'm finally moving towards real peace with this aspect of myself. I have a few people to thank for easing me into it over the years. HD for sure, he was the first to expose me to the possibility that it was not something I needed to hide from but explore and be aware of, and that it was okay to be that way. A couple trips and skips later -- a few times of feeling vaguely guilty or ashamed -- and finally this young guy comes along, this young guy I would have looked at in the past and never considered at all, but am now so glad that I did. I finally got pushed over that edge. It's about time I fully embraced and accepted the fact that my current reality is different from my ancient ideal, and that instead of whining any longer about what isn't, decide to truly enjoy what is.
((Song: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel. Lyrics here:
http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/mrs_robinson.html ))
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Time Keeps On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping Into The Future
I don't get to spend as much time as I'd like with some of my friends. There's always something going on and before you know it, you look up and a year or five is gone. Just gone. You never know what's gonna happen tomorrow but somehow you let day after day go by just like they'll always be there to waste. I'm as guilty of it as anyone.
Today Grey and I chatted online a bit. We don't get a chance to do that as much as we used to when we were both at our old jobs. We talked about random and mundane things like the narcissistic behavior that we indulged in when we were younger but don't seem to have the time or energy to devote to it now.
And then suddenly the tone of the conversation changed. Out of the blue, he expressed a wish to be able to see me more often. "I just wish you were around to hang with, play D&D with, eat sushi with," he said, and I responded quickly with a, "Me, too."
It made me a little sad and somehow he was able to tell that it had even though I didn't say a word. He hadn't said it to make me sad, he assured me, but because he just felt it and needed to say it. I let him know that it was okay -- that it was the melancholy sad that comes with the realization that your life is passing you by and you're letting it. It was a sad meant to inform and instruct.
But a piece of me was happy he'd said it too. It means I matter, and who doesn't need that?
((Song: "Fly Like An Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band. Lyrics here:
http://www.thepeaches.com/music/nicedecade/FlyLikeAnEagle.htm))
Today Grey and I chatted online a bit. We don't get a chance to do that as much as we used to when we were both at our old jobs. We talked about random and mundane things like the narcissistic behavior that we indulged in when we were younger but don't seem to have the time or energy to devote to it now.
And then suddenly the tone of the conversation changed. Out of the blue, he expressed a wish to be able to see me more often. "I just wish you were around to hang with, play D&D with, eat sushi with," he said, and I responded quickly with a, "Me, too."
It made me a little sad and somehow he was able to tell that it had even though I didn't say a word. He hadn't said it to make me sad, he assured me, but because he just felt it and needed to say it. I let him know that it was okay -- that it was the melancholy sad that comes with the realization that your life is passing you by and you're letting it. It was a sad meant to inform and instruct.
But a piece of me was happy he'd said it too. It means I matter, and who doesn't need that?
((Song: "Fly Like An Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band. Lyrics here:
http://www.thepeaches.com/music/nicedecade/FlyLikeAnEagle.htm))
Monday, March 15, 2010
Growing Up In A Hurry, Yeah
Still here. My new job's been crazy and my gaming has been consuming. Oh, and I've been sick with bronchitis as well. When I have the time to sit and think about things and come up with a decent post I'll be sure to put it here. Other than that, there's only one tidbit I can think of:
A few weeks ago the kiddo called from school. This initially concerned me and I was about to lecture her on it until she said she'd broken up with her girlfriend. She told me the entire story, which boiled down to the fact that she was tired of having to deal with parents that didn't accept the fact that their daughter and my kiddo were seeing each other. She hated the sneaking around and she hated the drama. She wanted to enjoy being able to go out, openly, and just have the regular relationship style that her straight friends enjoyed.
She poured out her reasons and told me she knew that her girlfriend would be angry and upset and she was upset herself for having to inflict this sort of thing. Then she said, "Mom, I really only called for one thing." She paused briefly, and continued. "I wanted to know if I did the right thing."
I think I blinked a few times and I got that warm feeling. You know the one, when you realize that your kiddo is actually asking for your advice, and trusting in it? The one where it sinks in that your approval and support is important? I got that feeling.
"You did the right thing, kiddo. It was the hard thing, but the right thing often is."
She exhaled audibly and said, "Thanks, mom." Then her voice perked up. "Okay, I have to go. I'll talk to you later."
As I hung up the phone and went back to work I was sufficed with pride. My kiddo is really growing up.
((Song: "Magic Man" by Heart. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/magicman.htm ))
A few weeks ago the kiddo called from school. This initially concerned me and I was about to lecture her on it until she said she'd broken up with her girlfriend. She told me the entire story, which boiled down to the fact that she was tired of having to deal with parents that didn't accept the fact that their daughter and my kiddo were seeing each other. She hated the sneaking around and she hated the drama. She wanted to enjoy being able to go out, openly, and just have the regular relationship style that her straight friends enjoyed.
She poured out her reasons and told me she knew that her girlfriend would be angry and upset and she was upset herself for having to inflict this sort of thing. Then she said, "Mom, I really only called for one thing." She paused briefly, and continued. "I wanted to know if I did the right thing."
I think I blinked a few times and I got that warm feeling. You know the one, when you realize that your kiddo is actually asking for your advice, and trusting in it? The one where it sinks in that your approval and support is important? I got that feeling.
"You did the right thing, kiddo. It was the hard thing, but the right thing often is."
She exhaled audibly and said, "Thanks, mom." Then her voice perked up. "Okay, I have to go. I'll talk to you later."
As I hung up the phone and went back to work I was sufficed with pride. My kiddo is really growing up.
((Song: "Magic Man" by Heart. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/magicman.htm ))
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Let’s Go Back To Church
My kiddo has had a difficult time in her short years finding a church that accepted her for who she is. She would attend other churches with her friends but found that while they preached love and acceptance, the reality was much different. She could never find one that would acknowledge that she could be the person she is and still believe in a Creator. Instead, otherwise supposedly mature adults would exclude her from their "club" by labeling her as immoral or against God and punishing her. She had to hide to be accepted amongst them and ultimately, that wasn't something she was willing to do.
A few weekends ago she was directed toward a church about a half an hour away from her house and her dad took her. The joy in her voice when I spoke to her on the phone afterward was enough for me to offer to take her this last weekend when she stayed with me. She was skeptical about that offer since she is well aware that I am atheist and haven't stepped inside a church (except for weddings and funerals) for more years than she's been alive. But I didn't hesitate. When she described it to me I figured that -- of all the churches I'd heard of so far -- this one would be all right with an atheist in their midst.
So on Sunday we put on our regular everyday clothes and attended a predominantly LGBT church.
I have to say that it was the best church experience I've ever had. The sermon and ceremony was very influenced by the Catholic tradition of mass and communion. Hymns were powerful, the sermon itself was short but inspiring, and everyone seemed warm and close and accepted. I spent the first part of the service watching from behind the pews and the second half in the welcome center drinking coffee and listening to the resonance of the music and the voices raised in song. For moments there, I actually felt that uplifting sense of communal warmth and belief and I must admit, it was a feeling that surprised me as it occurred. It felt good. I thought about it after it had dissipated and wished that feeling was something that could be sustaining in my life and could be a real presence instead of a brief flash. But it isn't. I'm well aware that my experience was nothing but a momentary sense of shared experience and not something that resides within me. However, feeling it was nice. It allowed me a deeper understanding why others that are capable of those profound beliefs consider it such an important aspect of their lives.
After the service I went into the Fellowship hall and looked around and was definitely the "odd woman out" but not in a bad way. Mingling with everyone seemed effortless and there was much laughing and kidding and catching up. No somber seriousness. I really felt comfortable.
Kiddo came out glowing. She's made some friends, she's happy, she's accepted. And that's worth it to me. I'll be taking her every Sunday she's with me and wants to go.
((Song: "Converted" by Alabama 3. Lyrics here: http://lyrics.wikia.com/A3:Converted))
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
It's Just A Fantasy, It's Not The Real Thing
My last commenter prodded me to update. All right, then, let's discuss fantasy and reality.
Some people use fantasy -- games, etc -- to escape reality. To avoid reality. I do that at times, just like everyone else does. I did it a lot the last time I played before I divorced.
This time, though, I'm finding my needs are different ones. Oh, there's still a little of the need to escape, sure. But for the most part this time my desire to game springs from different origins. I'm using it to channel creativity and to interact and socialize. But primarily I am using it to create my own reality or extend my own reality.
In other words, I'm using the game to replace the things that I still desire to have in my reality in theory, but have learned don't actually work for me in practice. I can be that woman that is able to be all the things I would like to be if I weren't who I was and give to another all the things that the real me can't give. I write the script and what's more, if I don't like what I wrote, I can walk away without hurting anyone.
I am, though her, the ultimate voyeur to my own life.
(Song: "Sometimes A Fantasy" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/glass-houses/sometimes-a-fantasy))
Some people use fantasy -- games, etc -- to escape reality. To avoid reality. I do that at times, just like everyone else does. I did it a lot the last time I played before I divorced.
This time, though, I'm finding my needs are different ones. Oh, there's still a little of the need to escape, sure. But for the most part this time my desire to game springs from different origins. I'm using it to channel creativity and to interact and socialize. But primarily I am using it to create my own reality or extend my own reality.
In other words, I'm using the game to replace the things that I still desire to have in my reality in theory, but have learned don't actually work for me in practice. I can be that woman that is able to be all the things I would like to be if I weren't who I was and give to another all the things that the real me can't give. I write the script and what's more, if I don't like what I wrote, I can walk away without hurting anyone.
I am, though her, the ultimate voyeur to my own life.
(Song: "Sometimes A Fantasy" by Billy Joel. Lyrics here:
http://www.billyjoel.com/music/glass-houses/sometimes-a-fantasy))
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