There's a certain amount of freedom that comes to you as you get older -- at least for me personally. As a girl and young woman I was very rigid about what I thought was proper behavior and very hard on myself/good with excuses when I didn't live up to it. I'm now finding that rigidity is loosening a lot. I'm more sure of myself and less concerned with what others may think about what I do or feel. I know what I need and how I operate. It's funny, though. Years ago I would have looked at the current me and thought she was a slut.
Why? Because I was an idealist. I had a certain idea of how love, sex and romance was and how the three were supposed to be intertwined. I think most women suffer from this ideal to some extent and the differences come in how we choose to resolve it. In my case, I believed sex without true emotion was empty and meaningless. I found little enjoyment in it and no reason to participate in it. Though I still feel sex with emotion is preferable, my determination of the emotions I find acceptable has broadened. I've learned that I'm now capable of more separation than I was capable of in my younger years. I attribute this to the fact that I no longer need a man to help me define who I am. Sadly, I think men manage to go through that journey a lot faster than we women do but we do get there, usually in our late 30s and early 40s. I think it's the origin of why women in that age group are termed 'at their sexual peak.'
Now my regular readers know that I have medical issues regarding my sexual function and also know my feelings about those issues, so I won't rehash much of it here again unless I need to augment my discussion. I had a visitor a few weekends ago, a younger man of 30. I've known him for years though we'd never met face to face, but never got to know him well until we got reacquainted about six months ago. We now spend a lot of time together online -- he's smart and funny, easy to correspond with, considerate, and a bit shy until you get to know him. He's also not my type, for many reasons. He's a smoker. He's got a few personality tics that would drive me crazy over the long term. And he's a large guy, whereas I prefer skinnier guys. So yeah, initially I didn't consider him. I'd invited him to stay at my place over a weekend in which we'd be traveling together to meet a number of others and we ended up having a day's layover before he flew home. As it turned out, it was an interesting evening indeed.
I won't go any further into detail except to say two things. I took him a few places he'd never went before -- and plan to take him a few more in the future -- and he gave me the sense that I was appreciated regardless of my limitations, something I definitely needed. I had a great time. Mrs. Robinson indeed! He left and we've laughed and talked about it since. No strings, no worries. Just a good time. I woke up calm, I smiled about it, and I haven't stopped smiling each time I think about it.
So I'm finally moving towards real peace with this aspect of myself. I have a few people to thank for easing me into it over the years. HD for sure, he was the first to expose me to the possibility that it was not something I needed to hide from but explore and be aware of, and that it was okay to be that way. A couple trips and skips later -- a few times of feeling vaguely guilty or ashamed -- and finally this young guy comes along, this young guy I would have looked at in the past and never considered at all, but am now so glad that I did. I finally got pushed over that edge. It's about time I fully embraced and accepted the fact that my current reality is different from my ancient ideal, and that instead of whining any longer about what isn't, decide to truly enjoy what is.
((Song: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel. Lyrics here:
http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/mrs_robinson.html ))
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