It took long enough but it finally happened. Yo had her first little insecure mini-meltdown about the way that exh and I deal with each other.
Exh has been storing a few pieces of furniture for me and has also been using an old chest freezer that my parents gave us that's nearly as old as I am and therefore doesn't have sealed freon. I didn't need it at my current apartment and was afraid if it sat without being used it would freeze up, so I encouraged him to use it in the interim.
Exh and I had a chat the other day about the freezer because I am getting 40 lbs of pork this weekend and needed a place to store it. I asked him if he had enough room left to store the pork, he said yes. End of discussion. Or so I thought.
So Yo called me last night -- ostensibly about the freezer -- but there was definitely a subtext to her call. She started out by saying something about how exh didn't think the matter was resolved (I thought, huh?) and that she'd moved all their freezer items out and that they could make it without it. At this juncture it seemed she wanted me to pick it up. I explained I didn't have room, I didn't want to risk ruining it if it sat useless, and that I thought it was of greater benefit if was put it to good use.
She hem-hawed around a bit more and, not attaining her true objective, she finally came out and said what she'd been trying to avoid. "Well, I just have a problem with someone coming into my house when I'm not there."
Aha, there it was.
This flabbergasted me -- and frankly, it also pissed me off. I wondered if she even noticed that I ring her doorbell when I come over to pick up kiddo and never go into the house without doing so. However, I managed to keep a level tone when I said, "Yo, I wouldn't ever step foot in your house without calling first," because the subtext was so patently obvious. Insecurity Central -- marking her territory and staking her claim. She didn't want any of my stuff in HER house. She has enough reminders of me already.
My response took the wind out of her sails and gave her no recourse but to accept the way things were, lest she appear to be the bitch the really wanted to be. She mumbled a quick, "Oh, well, okay then. It can stay." I said thank you and we hung up.
I realize now that when I discussed the use of the freezer with exh without including Yo in the decision making, it was a bit shortsighted of me. I also see how the ease with which my exh and I get along is very disconcerting to her and places her in the position of wondering where she fits in. She feels that, as his wife, she deserves more say in matters. None of this is unreasonable. I do need to practice better communication in the future to head these sorts of things off at the pass.
I spoke to exh about it all this morning. He told me a number of things -- too much to go into here -- but he did say that Yo knew the way things were when she married him and that she needs to get okay with it or else she'll only end up making herself unhappy needlessly. While this is rational on the surface, it's shortsighted on his part. Ignoring her feelings and/or trivializing them is dangerous -- he did it with me and it ended up doing irreversible damage. I don't think he realized then what his actions were implying and it's apparent he hasn't learned much since that time. She's at her most sensitive now and frankly, he's depending on the fact that -- like a man -- she'll be able to look past her own insecurities and trust her rational mind. Very rarely do we women do this sort of thing skillfully at a young age. It's hard to learn to trust a man's love for you when your heart feels like such a fragile thing in the beginning.
I began this post feeling a bit upset at her. I feel now, at the end, that it might be time that she and I have the lunch we haven't yet had. Perhaps hearing some things from me might soothe her mind. As much as I believe that exh made a terrible mistake by marrying Yo so quickly and reboundingly, now that he has, I hate to see another young woman questioning herself and not feeling able to trust her own judgement -- and ending up mistrusting the man she lives with instead.
And as for the furniture -- well, he's removing it from storage because he needs the money since Yo lost her job. I'll be storing it at BFF's house for the moment, which I thank her for. I'll find another place for it as soon as I can.
((Song: "Lesson Learned" by Ray LaMontagne. Lyrics here:
http://ferrydust.com/words/1543/ray-lamontagne-lesson-learned ))
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