The next phase of my life will be coming up soon. I have no idea what this phase will be or how it will end up. But I do know that I feel much more in balance now than I have in the past.
What I mean by that is that I have spent so much of my life listening to and following my heart without really listening to my head. I don't know if that was because I had trouble trusting my own judgement, because my head was telling me what my heart wanted was bad for me and I didn't want to listen, or if it was because I could always just blame any bad outcome on the fact that I had followed my heart. I don't know. But in musing over my past with the clearest head that I think I've ever had, I've seen so many patterns emerge. Some of those are destructive ones and those I intend to change with equal helpings of intestinal fortitude and grim determation. Some patterns just are, though -- not intrinsically bad or good -- and those I'll use or dismiss depending on what they contribute to my well-being.
I have an interesting dilemma now. For the first time in a long while I find myself excited about the prospects of a career. I have a degree, I am by no means uneducated, but I've never needed a career to define me or to give me self-esteem. Except -- in that I was short-sighted.
In my teens I wrote books and decided I would work for a famous magazine and be somebody! Then in college something happened to that ambition. It happened for many different reasons but in part, going out in the working world and seeing the world more for what it was scared me and made me sad. I lost some of my belief in the fact that little old me could change anything at all.
I began working full-time at a convenience store. Soon thereafter I met my husband, laid my writing, my poetry and my silly girlish dreams aside, and began my ~real~ life. The life I knew I should have instead of the one I dreamed about. But do not misunderstand me. I wanted the life I chose and willingly laid these things aside. I did so because I felt that I truly ~was~ girlish and foolish. I wanted to be an adult! So I continued to work full time until I became pregnant and then, of course, stayed home with my child. Since then, in between going to school and finishing my degree, I've worked part time for years and even then only under duress. I always preferred to do hobbies and pursue personal interests instead of "throw the precious hours of my life away towards something that meant nothing to me."
When asked why I did not care to work, I used to proudly say I was lazy and that I had embraced that part of my personality. But that was merely something I said to cover up the deeper truth. In truth, I missed the more ambitious, self-possessed teen and young woman I was before I married. That girl had dreams. Somehow along the way I had convinced myself that pursuing those dreams was useless and that this life was designed to knock people down. So, somewhere deep inside I decided that instead of letting someone knock me down, I was going to sit down. I wasn't going to let anyone get that first shot in; I'd do it for them first. A pre-emptive strike. Why? To prove that I was still the one in control.
How sad this is. And how it did nothing but hurt me, for many years. I only wish I'd had the maturity to see what this feeling, along with many others, would do to my own self-esteem and the relationship with my husband. I might have changed them. Then again, I might not have. Knowing something in your head is quite different from knowing something in your heart and truly believing in it. That is the difference between intelligence and wisdom. Sometimes you really can't see the forest for the trees. And though it might seem that feelings suddenly change, that's not so at all. Feelings are fluid and they build, one little brick upon the other, each piece fitting in silently and invisibly, until one day a building is built and there it is. And it becomes part of the foundation of your life.
Now, perhaps for the first time since my teens, I am ready to pick those girlish dreams back up and open them. And now, I am a woman. I have a confidence I didn't have then. I can only hope that I can let my judgement stand in the place it will need to be when those intangible people come to try to knock me over. I won't be sitting down this time.
((Song: "Until The End" by Norah Jones. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/norahjones/untiltheend.html))
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