The last couple days have been really good ones for me. Life is evening out. I'm hoping this isn't something that will just pack up and move off in a few weeks; instead, I'm hoping it's decided to stay a while.
I enjoy reading other's blogs and am constantly amazed/overwhelmed/intimidated by some of what I see out there. I especially like reading those that manage to capture snippets of life and whirl them like tops until they come out snide or hilarious. The talent there is something I envy. Me? I'm just so absorbed in the details of my relationships lately that I'm like the proverbial broken record. I hope to find more to talk about someday than all this minutia. Don't I pay a therapist for all this bullshit? Oh, no, that was a few months ago. Hah!
This weekend I had dinner over at stbx's. He was out of sorts and I suspected it was because we were to talk more about the impending divorce but I learned it was something entirely different. I won't go into how he eventually chose to share what he shared with me, but it was due to a number of valid reasons. He had ended up attempting to become intimate with another woman, only to have his body play tricks upon him. This was the first time in his entire life that this had happened to him and he was very, very shaken by it.
I talked him through it -- I wasn't at all upset by his actions or his words (the fact that I wasn't was very, very telling about my feelings about him now) but I was concerned that his confidence had been shaken. It really bothered me to see him so unsure of himself. I said that I knew that it was one of those temporary things, and that his idea of sex had never been just to fuck. He wanted intimacy and when his heart and mind were in one place he'd be fine. It didn't mean he was a wimp, it meant he was an honest and decent man and not an asshole.
But I did tell him something I felt he needed to hear. Call me a bitch, but I'll readily admit a piece of me felt vindication. I hope it never happens to him again because I don't wish that upon him, but I was glad that it had! Oh yes indeed! And why? Because for the first time I was able to speak to him about my own feelings on that subject and use a point of reference that he was now intimately familiar with instead of thinking of me as the abnormality -- the freak.
So I said to him, "Now you can truly understand how I've felt for years because of my medical issues. You can truly empathize with the feeling of having your mind want to do something but your body simply won't and how that undermines your confidence at a deep level." I paused and then said, more quietly,"Look how this is bothering you, and this was just once. Now imagine if it happened over and over for years with people telling you it was all in your head. How long would you put yourself through it? When would you start avoiding it completely? When would you have enough?"
He nodded slowly and said he was sorry for all that he'd said and thought. I said thank you and we looked at each other with understanding. One more small piece of closure that I am extremely grateful for.
This morning I was getting ready for work and I thought about him. I am so happy that I've not lost the parts of him that I still love. I have so much to be thankful for. Even now, when we are going our separate ways, we have each other's back.
I'm glad I can talk to him, spend time with him, share thoughts and feelings with him. Make sure we're both okay. But I am soooooooo glad I do not have to climb into bed with him. There wasn't ever enough room; there was always him and me and this other nasty heavy thing that seemed to lay between us. I don't have to deal with that thing any longer, it's gone now.
Thank goodness.
Next time, maybe I can talk about change. Change is good!
((Song: "Let Go" by Frou Frou. Lyrics here: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/gardenstate/letgo.htm ))
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