I'm back from my out of town trip. I enjoyed the time with my brother and sister-in-law. Those two are made for each other and it makes me smile to see their relationship. It's definitely not the norm, as my brother is more than a little misanthropic. Somehow, though, they make it work. It gives me hope -- however jaded I happen to be right now -- that there is indeed someone for everyone.
While out of town, stbx* called. He wanted to tell me something, he said; get some things off his chest. So I settled down to listen.
I won't go into all of the details about what was said. Summarized, he told me that for the last few years he's held varying degrees of resentment towards me for a number of reasons that run the gamut from my isolationist attitude to my chilly demeanor to treating him like a friend and not a lover. He didn't have to be specific, as I easily filled in all he'd left blank. He said that he had been waking up the last couple mornings thinking about me and wondering why he was doing so -- even berating himself for doing so -- but finally he decided to confront the reasons why he was. He said that when he did, he found that the only thing he wanted to do was accept the fact that I did what was best, that he knew it and had just kept trying to refuse to admit that he knew I'd done the hard thing but the only thing.
He said he thought I was a fantastic person. He said he respected my strength and my honesty, and my ability to look at what we were straight in the face and state that it wasn't what it had been any longer. He said he valued our friendship -- which was what it was at the beginning -- and that he wished to keep that strong. He said that we'd had a wonderful marriage and a wonderful life and a wonderful daughter and he didn't regret any of it.
He said he wanted me to know that I needn't feel any guilt about hurting him, nor should I carry any of it any more. He didn't want me to feel like the bad guy. He wanted me to know that he still loved me and always would, but that he felt like it would change into the sort of love that we would be able to carry forward. He told me what he told me so that I would not hurt so bad at causing so much hurt.
What a remarkable human being he is, to do this sort of thing for the one that left you behind. How lucky I was to know him. No, let me correct that: how lucky I am to know him. In essence, he told me everything that any person who left someone behind would need to hear in order to feel at peace.
Why then, did it tear me up to hear all this? Instead of feeling at peace, I found myself chafing. I know why I felt this way. I do because I carry things around from the relationship that chafe me. I have burdens he does not understand. I have debts to pay. These debts would be easier if he wasn't around all the time, reminding me with his presence, but I think that I am going to have to accept that as part of the payment. Besides, how do you politely say, "I appreciate the offer of friendship but I'd really rather you stay mad at me so that we don't have to see each other much?"
You don't. So I pay my debt in silence. He is being a hell of a person here, and the least I can do is allow him the right to do so.
(* = soon to be ex-hub)
((Song: "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. Lyrics here:
http://www.fleetwoodmac.net/penguin/lyrics/r/rhiannon.htm ))
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