Been thinking about something concerning the recent conversation between stbx-hub and I this weekend. We spoke about a lot of things but I mentioned something that has been on my mind a lot. I wanted his take on how our kiddo was dealing with the split and if he'd had any insight about how how she felt about me.
He said that she'd said a few things that let him know that she was placing a bit of the blame on me. He was quick to say that he felt she was showing him her loyalty by defending him and letting him know she was there for him. He said he always told her not to judge me too harshly and that he did let her speak of her feelings without allowing her to disrespect me in word or deed.
It didn't surprise me. It's anyone's first instinct to lash out and place blame when they hurt. And no matter what she says to my face, she's hurt at this. I'm convenient, the one that makes the most sense to blame. After all, I'm the one that left.
She's defending her dad -- which she views as the injured party -- much like I did when my parents argued when I was her age and I thought my mom was the bitch and my dad the blameless one. Of course as I grew older I came to understand that my dad was by no means blameless and that my mother was not the bitch I'd taken her to be.
I suppose that the only thing I can do is keep being her mom and hope that eventually she comes to that realization too. I know some people never do and can't seem to get past blaming their parents. If there's anything up above (and it makes a difference at all anyway) I pray that my kid isn't one of those. She's shown a capacity for wisdom in some arenas that continually surprises me so I hold out hope that she'll eventually see that I'm not a bitch.
I hope she comes to understand as much as she can, even though she'll never have the whole story.
My poor roommate. He's got a year of living with me and my moods, my inscrutable silences, my sadness, my anger and guilt, my jags of crying. I wish sometimes I were alone in that apartment just so I could let it all out. I hold it in because I'm not alone and I feel so tired of having to explain the why of it all the time. He looks at me like he wants to fix it and I just want him to go away and leave me to it.
I head out of town tomorrow. A stay out of town will be nice and getting to spend a few days with my younger brother and his wife will be fun. So I'll be back on Monday.
((Song: "I Don't Blame You" by Cat Power. Lyrics here:
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/I-Don't-Blame-You-lyrics-Cat-Power/66D7DEAC129E709548256D41000D0C21 ))
No comments:
Post a Comment