Friday night stbx dropped kiddo by my house so she could go out and eat dinner with my parents. She came up to me and gave me a hug without prompting, which took me slightly by surprise. I began to pull away, sure she'd want me to, but instead she got closer and hugged me longer and then -- shock of all shocks! -- gave me a kiss on the cheek. By herself.
It made my day. Hell, it made my week. I tell her how important she is to me but she's always heard that, she takes it for granted. I suppose it's just lucky she doesn't fully realize how important her smallest gestures are or how much she has me wrapped around her finger.
She went with her dad for their family's Thanksgiving celebrations the next day, and I went to spend the weekend at BFF's house.
While there I realized a few things -- well, not so much realized as had to confront. I've not been given to much introspection lately. I've just been numb. I know what I'm doing is right, I know it's best, I know that stbx and I could not have been able to work out our fundamental differences. Many times I feel at peace in my decision. But deep down? I don't want it. Not really. I just know it has to be.
I wish I could be a different person. For the first time in my life I am being confronted with who I am as opposed to who I'd pretended to be. For all my big talk about accepting myself and living without barriers, the fact is, those barriers were comforting. When I lived with stbx I had something to protect and philosophize about. I had my life as wife and mother and then there was my hidden "true self." Well, how verrrrry romantic! -- I was a freedom fighter for my own identity!
But please, that was really nothing more than drivel. Soooo much easier to feel rebellious when you are fighting for something you want to keep preserved -- your freedom, your "true self," your independence. It's easier to define yourself and what you are living for when you can hold it up against the mirror glass of something else and point and say, it's not that.
I don't know. I hate to try to figure out anything now, I am not in the place I need to be to do so. I've got a lot of things to work though. I guess I'm just lost. Whoever I am, I don't think it is who I was fighting for back then -- the philosophizing know-it-all -- and if that is true then the irony of that renders me mute.
This weekend, both BFF and Queen mentioned depression. Yes, I'm aware I'm depressed. It's hard to give up something you want. I'm not good with loss -- I know, I know, who is? -- and I have obsessive tendencies. I keep having to say to myself that this too shall pass. I'll find my sea legs at some point.
I don't find much joy in anything, that's for sure. I want to live by myself. I don't want to see or talk to people, especially those that in the past I've considered close friends. For the most part, even though I have moments where I enjoy myself, my negative emotions are far outweighing my positive ones where they are concerned. I'm having difficulty remembering that these people understand me or even why they would want to. I don't know who they are anymore or why they fit into my life or why I liked any of them once upon a time, other than they're there and I know I used to care and still should. So I try to, and I spend time with them when they all decide we should get together, even though given the choice I would not.
Goodness. I am ashamed to even say this and expose the level of my disregard and dispassion. But there it is, all the same.
I only seem to be making any emotional connections recently to a few others. Thank god for HD and Irish and Grey. They might not realize it but they are helping to remind me that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Lately -- other than my kiddo and the times I'm sitting there laughing with stbx -- spending time with my trio of online friends are the only times spent with real people that I feel alive and aware.
Otherwise? Just leave me the fuck alone.
((Song: "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears. Lyrics here:
http://www.memoriesfade.com/songs/tff.html ))
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