This weekend kiddo and I had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time in the car driving to our destination, which was a Renaissance faire with Grey and his family and some friends. The entirety of my life lately seems to be rather Renaissance-y. Therefore, it's only right that this become the theme of my post today.
Anyway, the long ride gave kiddo and I some time to sit and talk, something kiddo is not really fond of. She happened to mention Yo's son, the 3-yr old. She said the kid throws things at her, doesn't get scolded or disciplined, that he's a little terror. I believe her because stbx said the same thing some time ago. Anyway, her tone and expression definitely let me know how awful she thought the situation with this toddler is.
Still, I know she is not unbiased. My kiddo can be dramatic. She's an only child, not fond of children or familiar with their different sort of aliveness, and has a tendency toward selfish behavior herself. On the other hand I've seen her be incredibly gentle and tender to some younger children, mostly ones that look up to her in awe or as a figure of authority. The children she tends to favor, though, are the soft-spoken, cautious ones rather than the obnoxious ones. Can't hardly blame her there. I'm not fond of children all that much myself.
This particular child, though, pushes all the wrong buttons for her. She didn't say anything about the why of it but I suspect there are reasons that don't include his poor upbringing.
I pause here for a caveat of sorts. I'll try to be as objective as I can as I go on, keeping some of my messier emotions like envy or disdain at a minimum. I know these color the situation and I'll try to at least remember they're there and weigh them when I listen to my own words and thoughts.
So......
Kiddo has been rather insistent throughout this entire process -- the divorce -- that she is perfectly fine with it and it doesn't bother her. I don't believe that for a second.
I wonder if part of her is taking out some anger or hurt in a "safe" way; focusing on the child and letting herself hate him much more passionately than she would if he was merely another friend's child. After all, he isn't. His mother is dating her father, and there is the potential that she could get stuck living with the boy if stbx and Yo's relationship progresses. That must be a real fear for her. No doubt part of her is angry at her father and is trying to figure out why he'd want to have such a brat around. She must feel like he isn't making her a consideration.
Both of us have explained what we could about our divorce to our kiddo, but much of it is so complex and deep that it is simply not something she can understand at her age. But surely she must wonder how her father could have another woman so fast? She knows that people break up and hook up and often the one happens because of the other. Who knows? Perhaps she's come to the conclusion that because stbx began dating Yo within the first month of our separation, we just chose to leave out the fact that Yo was a factor in our divorce?
And if she thinks that was true -- and it isn't, for the record -- well, who could blame her if she is angry?
I must sit down and address these issues with her and find out if my wonderings are meaningless.
And in other randomness:
I'm enjoying a renaissance of sorts with HD. For the last couple of days he and I have chatted like crazy. I enjoy him so much. He reminds me that life isn't all doomy and gloomy, I do have a habit of getting very lost in all of life's crazy details. He's the type of man that I hope to find someday. I hope he knows how much of a compliment that is. He gives me hope that there are indeed men like that out there. And he's got a fantastically sensual way about him too, which doesn't hurt! He can rev me up like a primed Porsche.
Grey. The weekend with him was interesting. He called me twice yesterday and we ended up spending about an hour on the phone. I have all sorts of tender feelings for him, he and I have been through a lot together. We talked about our kids and our experiences and though we said nothing particularly personal, our talks were limned with intimacy. I think he needs that mental caress, like a soft comforting pat on the shoulder. I do not know his motivations yet -- whether he desires me as well as enjoys my companionship or if it is simply friendship -- but as in any long-term friendship between men and women, perhaps a bit of both? It is interesting that he doesn't let his wife know we talk. There are reasons for that, not all of which involve those sorts of reasons -- most of it is innocent enough. But there is a small part that is not. Ah well. I will let it be what it is and try not to analyze it to death....or so I say, as I sit here typing all this and analyzing it. I cannot escape who I am after all.
I intend to take bellydance lessons. Starting next month. I am sure it will be an experience, one of many to introduce me to places outside the box.
2007 is almost over. On to the next new year.
((Song: "Stay Up Late" by Talking Heads. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4573 ))
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