Kiddo and I spent some quality time together over the t-day holiday. There was a bit of a health scare that was minor (though she's going to have it checked out) and so she was more inclined to cling to my side than usual. She couldn't sleep and we ended up driving around until 3 am talking -- and it was a great heart to heart -- and when we got home, I massaged her back and she fell asleep in my arms and I was completely overwhelmed with the love I had for her. I'd promised her that I was going to speak to her father about some of what we'd spoken about, and I did so with her blessing.
So stbx and I had a short discussion t-day night and then picked it up last night, which morphed into our first post-split altercation. It started about kiddo and her feelings about her dad meeting someone so quickly. I said some things I'd been thinking but holding in because I was determined to withhold my personal thoughts, since I felt I'd given up that right when I walked out the door. But when I learned this weekend that some of it had made my kiddo a little confused and unsure I felt it prudent to speak up. I spoke up all right. In fact I got a little zealous and somewhere in the middle of it, it became not so much about her and more about my own judgment against him and my own jealousy and unease. He became defensive and said things about me that originated from his own hurt feelings about my choice to leave him and him feeling abandoned and lonely.
It wasn't horribly bad but I think we both deserved it when the other lashed out and said hurtful things in response. We didn't yell or call each other names, it wasn't mean or spiteful, it was just vigorous. We also both called each other out on the times when we stepped outside the boundaries of what was in the best interests of kiddo and let it become about us. And on the upside, we both called and apologized and we're back to being civil and warm.
Although I am shamed that I allowed some of the feelings to slip out that I would have preferred to keep to myself, I'm also glad that this all happened. I have been sad and lonely lately, wishing to rebuild and wondering if the impasses that we ran up against in our marriage could be somehow rectified or adjusted, or something. Last night helped remind me that we really aren't in the same place any longer and we couldn't be even if we did get back together. That wishes are for horses and all that jazz.
Still, it makes me sad.
((Song: "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owen Youngs. Download the song here:
http://2006.sxsw.com/music/showcases/band/2833.html ))
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