Pardon my moods.
My last post sounded so harsh. I thought about my words all day yesterday, picking through them like something I accidentally threw out in the trash.
Let me be clear here. It's not that I don't care for my friends, not at all. To be honest, I'm jealous. When I'm jealous I pull away or worse, get prickly and nasty. It's easier to distance myself than have to admit to myself that I'm capable of feeling so petty at the very same time that I am thrilled that they are doing so well. It feels disgusting, like I'm a bad person, and how can I feel both at the same time?
After all, I'm glad they are where they are now, and that they have the relationships they have, and that they're happy after putting up with so much. I truly am. It's all richly deserved and a long time coming and if someone -- anyone -- were to criticize them, I'd be all up in their faces. I've done exactly that, in just the last few days as a matter of fact.
The only explanation I can think of for my reaction is that I feel that no matter how richly deserved it is, it -- meaning the relationships I see them having -- is something I cannot have because seemingly I can't value one enough to maintain it. So if that's true, why do I want it? Would I take it if I could have it? And if I did have it, would it be right for me or would I find some way to sabotage it?
Good god. Talk about crazy. Another example of wanting something for the sake of having it, and then not appreciating it when I had it. Another example of the real crap behind all this. I'm not able to accept who I am yet. I've not put away all the things that I wish I was, but simply am not. And I'm angry. I'm pissed as hell that I can't just be content.
That anger tranforms into jealousy and then that jealousy, hidden, becomes a sour attitude and then finally, disassociation and distance. It's a wonder they even want me around since they are all quite aware of how I'm acting. I wouldn't want me around.
It's time I talk to all of them and apologize and explain. Be truthful. Own my feelings and let them know it is not something they've done or something that is their fault.
I suspect the root cause of a lot of this is that I'm having a lot of trouble working through the emotional repercussions of my choice to divorce. As the day for the finalization comes closer (after the 6th of December) I am feeling more and more confused, lost, lonely, sad. I'm not dealing well with the end of my marriage and the choice I've made to give up the man that I know -- no matter what I've done, or he's done, or we've done -- is the love of my life. I want to go back to him and live with him and be with him. I wish he would just think I'm worth living with as the companions and life partners and friends we are without sex. I hate that sex matters more to him than I do. I wish I could change and find my lost desire for him and become someone that wants to give it to him -- or to anyone longer than a couple of years! -- without all the baggage. I wish I'd stop wishing that he could change and give up what he needs, which is every bit as important and valid as what I need.
I wish, I wish, I wish. God. I wish I'd just shut up.
I just vomited all this here, and as I wrote I felt it all boil up. I've been bottling a lot of my emotions up for the last month or so. And why? I don't have any real privacy. I need to have time alone, damn it, to grieve in the way I do it, with tears and moods, without censoring or worrying about how I might seem to be. But all this show of emotion puts V off balance. He doesn't want to, much less know how to, deal with it. He tries to and says he's willing to but I can see in his eyes how uncomfortable it makes him. He said to me once that he doesn't understand why I am going back over and over and over things that have been decided and wishes I'd just get over it, I've made the decision, it's the right one, so what's the big deal? And perhaps I shouldn't care about how he feels or how he views my ability to cope. Matter of fact I know I shouldn't. But I do. And I don't want to keep explaining the same old things, so I hold it in.
Getting through this is going to take me a lot longer than I thought it would. It's the main reason why I wish I lived alone. I could do this faster.
((Song: "In The Waiting Line" by Zero 7. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/zero7/inthewaitingline.html ))
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