Couldn't be bothered to blog for a bit, but I'm back. Isn't everyone thrilled?
I'm meeting kiddo after work today for coffee. I'm looking forward to the time I'll get to spend with even though it often seems like a superhuman effort to get her to open up and talk to me. We can talk easier over IMs (as I mentioned recently) but I also want to be able to talk face to face. I want to know what's going on in her life and the only way I'll be able to do that is to keep the lines of communication open. I know this seems like common sense -- and it is! -- but this is my daughter we're talking about here. She's the consummate closed door.
There's one other thing I'm a bit conflicted about, something that to be honest I didn't think I'd have to deal with quite yet. I've been been trying to sort out my feelings about it so that when it does eventually come to a point where I'll need to address it verbally, I'll be able to do so with confidence. So here's the thing: if you'll recall my stbx was seeing a woman that I spoke about briefly a week or so ago. I learned this past weekend that she is 22 years old and has a 3 yr old son! My stbx said that he had dialed their relationship back to that of friends but that she (I'll call her Yo from now on) had been spending some time with my kiddo, taking her to the mall on one occasion and taking her out to eat at an Italian place on another.
Now one might think that I would have issues with this because of some misplaced idea that a young girl is everything that I am not, that he's replacing me, etc. These things aren't what's bothering me. I'm well aware that the idea that such a young woman can find him attractive at his age is very intoxicating to him. I know he feels rejected and that this is a good pet to his self-esteem. I'm even pleased that he's getting those good feelings because he needs them to help him make moves forward in his life. I don't begrudge him his needs and wants and I don't feel he's disrespecting me in the least. And that's the honest truth.
However, there's a bigger part of me that feels very vindicated. Throughout the years he's looked down his nose at how people were so silly for getting themselves into obviously questionable situations and for being unable to use reason to determine what another's motives are. Yet here he is in one of these situations with a young girl who has a young child, who is sexually aggressive and probably more experienced than he is, and who almost certainly finds him attractive more for what he represents to her than for his own personality. So when push comes to shove he's not above stupidity and certainly not above all the rest of us plebes that succumb to impulse. I am strangely comforted by this. I hope it doesn't turn out badly for him -- not at all! -- but I do hope he learns the lesson of humility. That is one lesson he really does need to learn.
All that is amusing to me but I'm less concerned with his personal life (I hope he has a good one) than with how what he does -- and does so quickly -- might impact my child. In other words it might have been a good idea for him to remain alone for a longer amount of time instead of allowing someone to move into the family unit with such speed, even if it is under the guise of friends. My daughter isn't that stupid -- she sees. And Yo? Obviously Yo is smart. She's trying to get to know my kiddo and her efforts have paid off; he told me that her attempts have impressed him. He even called her "mature," the poor deluded man. Hah! Anyway, our kiddo is his vulnerable spot right now and she's not an idiot. She's exploiting it.
I could have said all the above to him but I chose not to though I know he saw some of my thoughts on my face. I did tell him he needed to be careful and pointed out that he might be acting in haste. He expressed some thoughts that were along those lines but at the same time he expressed others (like asking others he knew in May/December relationships how they managed the gap) that told me he was contemplating things with Yo a bit more deeply than he let on. So while he said he backed her off into the "friends" place and isn't introducing any more physical stuff, he's kidding himself. All that is simply a matter of time and probably a smaller amount of time than he thinks.
My major concern here, though, is my kiddo. I want to talk to her about her life but I won't sit there and milk her for information. I know that I should broach the subject at least so that she doesn't make her feel like she's got to constantly wonder what to hide from mom about dad and what to hide from dad about mom. I suppose I could ask her how she liked spending time with Yo, what they did at the mall and whatnot, but I'm unsure at this point about how to ask it so that it seems casual and comfortable and not a grilling session. I need to get a handle on what I feel about this before bringing it into a conversation with kiddo.
I didn't think I'd have to deal with this quite this fast so I hadn't factored this sort of situation into my thoughts about the divorce. I had assumed that stbx would either a) remain alone for a while to gain equilibrium or b) carry on something discreet without involving kiddo. I hadn't counted on this third option to be a reality for some time yet.
I'm feeling some jealousy about this -- "this" being Yo's buddy-buddy sort of attempt to get into my kid's good graces. It all stems from my own feelings of insecurity. I know that kiddo and I have a distant sort of relationship even if stbx says things like "she's got a relationship with you that I don't have" and "she depends on you even if she doesn't let you know" and "no other woman will ever be able to replace you." I know, rationally, that these things are all true. But how do you tell that to your heart when I remember when she was 10-12 yrs old and begging me to spend time with her and pay attention to her and instead I ignored her because I was ass-deep in a video game to escape my relationship troubles? And when finally, face blank and eyes empty, she stopped asking? Is it partly my fault that she is the way she is?
Maybe someday I'll escape the guilt of that, and that'll probably only be when she absolves me of it. Until then I'll have to carry it with me and try like hell to fight my own demons, the one on the right that wants to try to fix it and the one on the left that tells me its useless because she doesn't care enough to get it fixed at all.
Jealousy, yes indeed, because Yo doesn't have all this shit to surmount. She can be cool and fun and why not? There are only 8 years between them! But I can choose how to respond to this and for now I'm going to keep it in its proper perspective and just keep spending time with kiddo and keep being her mom. It's all I can do.
((Song: "Stop Dragging My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty. Lyrics here:
http://www.nicksfix.com/stopdrag.htm ))
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