And A Time For Every Purpose

Inspired by a blog entry I read over at Under the Palms (see sidebar):

I was reading Under The Palm's latest blog today and in it she speaks about reconnecting. That subject has been resonating with me recently as well so I guess I'll just put our similar mental wavelengths down to synchronicity.

And oh before I go any further, check out http://www.x365.org/. I want to do that soon. I don't think I'll post it here as it has real names and such attached but I'd like to do it for my own benefit.

Anyway.

I've been struggling lately. First off, October is a hard month for me. So many memories are attached to this month and it's hard to shake those.

Since beginning these steps toward my new life I've been thinking a lot about the people that I have in my old one and where they're going to fit or if they even still do. They haven't changed, but I am in the process of doing so. I sit and think sometimes about what my life will look like on the other side when I've finished figuring all this out.

I've been struggling for a few hours now, editing and re-editing this piece and trying so hard to catch just the right essence of what I'm trying to say. But I'm tired and cranky and it's late and I'm done trying to be eloquent. I'll just say it as best as I'm able.

The people I call friends will surely have their patiences tried in the next year or so with me. I swing wildly from needing them around me to pushing them away. I go from relishing their presences and being comforted in the knowledge that they know me, know what I'm experiencing, and will excuse me, to wanting them all to just be different people and stop pretending like it is twenty years ago. God, we are all heavy under the weight of all the years. We can't go back and undo any of it, make it different, make us different.

And then I think, it is not them. It is me. I am the one that feels all this weight. It is my burden that blurs my sight. I am the one that wishes she were someone else.

I thought my depression had lifted after liberating myself. But now I question that. I expected to be alone, and to be lonely, but I didn't expect all the things that I enjoyed when I was married to be so incredibly boring and empty when I wasn't. The irony is staggering. I can do all the things I desperately wanted to do and now that I can, I find them stultifyingly boring. I am wondering about this simple truth: how much of what I wanted to do, what gave me joy and made me feel in control when I was married, was there just because I couldn't do any of it?

I've spoken a bit to BiB. You'd think it would mean something but I don't think it does; it might just be polite noises and empty words. But it feeds us both somehow. I don't think he's immune to it any more than I am. I learned over the weekend that he was hurt too and that his memory of it has spanned the last few years. Damn it all, if I knew the magic formula to reconnect with him! I wonder how much I would sell or give to know it. There is no other frustration quite so agonizing as that which is borne out of futility.

I tell myself that there is a time and a place for all things. I can't tell myself anything different and still be able to make sense of it.

I continue speaking to Grey. He's called me at least twice a week for the last month or so and it's been lovely. The reconnection I yearn for from BiB, I am reaping in spades with Grey. I was typing this and wondering why I hadn't heard from him and then happened to look at my phone and then there it was -- a missed call with his name attached, from when I had grabbed a quick shower. It made me smile.

I try to keep perspective. I know that this apathy will pass. I know that I told myself months ago that I should keep my head no matter what path my heart wants to take. But damn, the path I'm on seems so empty and cold and meaningless.


((Song: "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds. Lyrics here:
http://www.bluesforpeace.com/lyrics/turn-turn-turn.htm ))