I spent the weekend with my kiddo and threw a Halloween party for her and her friends as well as a few of mine. I cooked like a madwoman -- made brain dip, severed intestines, black spider spaghetti and finger cookies and kitty litter cake for dessert. It was a lot of fun but next year the menu will be streamlined so I won't be so tired that I can't really enjoy the party.
I was taking the kiddo back home to her dad's house last night when I finally saw Yo from a distance -- she was driving away from stbx's house just as the kiddo and I were pulling around the corner. She was facing me and waved to the kiddo and the kiddo waved back at her. She's a mousy little thing. Ha! I wonder what she thought of me.
I went inside, stbx offered me some tea and we began to talk. We talked about any number of subjects but eventually got around to Yo. We talked a bit about her but stbx let me know that I happened to be quite the subject of conversations between them. He told her that I was his dearest friend and she said that it bothered her a little that should the two of them have problems, that he would come to me to discuss them. He pointed out that she had a male friend that she talks to now that she used to be in a relationship with and how was that any different?
I smiled and silently marveled at how stupid boys are. Of course it's different! Yo and her ex boyfriend weren't married for 17 years or shared a life and a child. He might try to assure her that his relationship with me and his relationship with her are in different little boxes, but they aren't. She's aware that there are three people in her burgeoning relationship every bit as much as I knew, 20 years ago, that my first lover's wife was in our relationship. Yo knows how deep my reach goes even if stbx doesn't.
Funny thing. My experience back then is giving me what I need now to understand what's going on here in ways that given Yo's age, she just can't know. I ended up leaving my first lover because I knew deep down he wasn't ready for me. I wonder if she'll figure that out in time too.
Anyway, I asked stbx a question. It was the sort of question that I knew would cut that last umbilical cord between us and once and for all define whether we could ever rebuild our relationship as a couple. I asked it because I've had some difficulties letting go recently, thinking that there might be some way to salvage the "us" that's been a part of my life for so long. Having these fantasies has really been making me feel depressed. I didn't want to leave it and wonder about the what-if's. I had to know for sure.
So I asked him if he would be able to consider a poly/open sort of lifestyle. For a while now I'd had this scenario rolling around in the back of my head about how we could find another way to be together, one in which I wouldn't have to sacrifice him or all the many deep and meaningful layers of our years together. So I presented it to him: keep Yo around, I'd accept her, we'd establish new ground rules. His answer -- which was no, he was a one-woman man -- told me everything I'd needed to hear. I don't know if this makes any sense, but though my internal dialouge had already supplied me with the answer he gave me, I needed to ask it and hear his response to it. Out loud. He needed to give my instinct that external validation.
I felt a real sense of peace when I walked out his door.
((Song: "We Know Where You Sleep" by the Paper Chase. ))
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