We all have these internal dialogues going on in our heads, about everything, not just body image or whatever. Mine's defeatist. Mine whispers, "you've gained some of the weight back you lost last year though you told yourself you wouldn't. You can say you'll do something about it but you don't. You know you won't. You know you'll say it but never do it, so why bother?"
This sort of thing makes me feel helpless.....adrift. I find myself slipping into lassitude no matter how many times I've conquered things in my life that I need to, how many times I've stood up and done the hard thing even though it hurt, and how many times I've felt the rewarding rush of pride and esteem from my victories. You'd think the rememberence of those feelings would spur me into action. You'd think.
I admire those go-to-it sorts. I do. But if I'm honest, brutally so, I also envy them and resent them. Why? Because I compare myself to them and I always pull up short. That sort of feeling should make me want to rise to their level.
Instead that whispering voice -- that voice I try like hell not to listen to, that Dark Passenger -- tells me that if something is inevitable, there is no use in fighting it. Just give up because you can't win anyway.......and go find something else.
((Song: "New Religion" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/NewReligion.html ))
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