I had my job interview.
I think it went quite well and I hope to hear from them in the coming weeks. I'd say more, but there is so much swirling about in my head that I'm afraid it would be the virtual equivalent of diarrhea. So I keep it short and simple.
I was reading something today that was rather apropos, so I'll quote the relevant parts from Steph's blog, Greek Tragedy (see my sidebar):
"You can be as open as you want to be, but if you aren't taking risks, if you aren't extending yourself maybe beyond your natural comfort level, it's really not much you're doing. You're doing safe. What you know. And that's not growing. It's living on a treadmill......And the only bit of advice I can offer is, try to see your life as an adventure. Imagine that you'll be married in less than a year. What do you want for you right now, knowing that soon your life will never be the same? Will you ever have the chance to travel alone? I know it sounds scary or lonesome, but really, you live this life only once. Why wouldn't you dare to do something that scares you a little? What is it that you think you might miss about your life right now, as it is? Do more of it. Because chances are, that's exactly what will happen. I'm not sure it's ever exactly as we planned. Thank God."
Yes. I have been experiencing flashes of mortifying fear. I am so entrenched in a comfort zone, more entrenched than I think I fully realized. The prospect of this job -- of moving, of changing, of doing things I'd convinced myself were not mine to do ever because that was someone else's life I was dreaming about! -- the prospects have terrified me. It's made me want to retreat or to freeze like a deer in a headlight. To swing out again and knock myself down so no one else can.
My best friend and I were talking the other day and I told her I felt like I needed conformation that this job was best for me, that I was doing the "right thing" by pursuing something that I "selfishly" wanted. She told me, "The hardest thing you will experience or try to get through is not being able to turn around and ask him for permission."
I nearly gasped with the truth of it. I've had my husband as my rock for so long that he was my yardstick. My measurement of the validity of many -- if not virtually all -- of my thoughts and judgements on the things around me. "So what do you think?" was my phrase of choice. I would listen, absorb, trust his wisdom and in the knowledge that whatever he said to me it was because he loved me. And he did, and does.....of that I have no doubt. We are not at odds, he and I. Not at the core of things. But I did not realize how much of my own autonomy that I was giving away in the process. I want that back now. So yes, it is not a phrase I need to ask of him anymore even though he'd be happy to give it to me. I need to begin to listen to my own reason, wisdom and knowledge and learn to trust my own internal compass.
That is what I most desire.....and fear the most. Isn't it funny how those two feelings are like the heads and tails of any coin?
((Song: "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.aerosmith-lyrics.com/Toys_WalkThisWay.html))
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