Sex & Chocolate

Guess which one I'm having?

Chocolate, of course. Sex is highly overrated. And chocolate lasts longer.

* * * * *

Let's see......

roomie is off to the Great Northwest for a week, my BFF is getting hitched tomorrow, I spent the weekend with kiddo and she and I had a great time at Queen's house (who is recovering from major surgery that I hope does her a world of good) watching "Firefly" and "Swingtown" and "Hot Fuzz." By the way, "Swingtown" is a great show! The clothes and the hair and the music, down to the telephones and the shag carpet and the avacado kitchen appliances, are spot on. I'm enjoying it immensely. I remember 1976.

I don't remember the swinging lifestyle, of course. I was way too young for that. I'm also not naive enough to think that all swingers act like Trina and Tom (the couple on the show.) I suppose I am naive enough -- or idealistic enough -- to hope that somewhere out there, there will be a man able to indulge all the different things I need in order to have a full intimate relationship. Tom comes about as close to "that man" as I've seen. Maybe he's out there. But if he is, will I believe that he's really being real?

It appears that a national TV news program is interested in doing a story on the case that I was a juror on. I have no idea what that means. Will I be on TV? Will I just get a phone call one day? Will nothing happen at all? I won't know for a while, I'm sure.

Exh is getting married in two more months. They've set a date but I won't divulge it here. He and I had a bit of a talk about a lot of things after I dropped kiddo off this evening. We went all over the map -- how I felt about his upcoming nuptials, how Yo feels about me and some of her insecurities and strengths, about some of mine, and my thoughts on what needs he was satisfying to go so far so fast with this. I told him I knew he just wants to be married and that I knew it was because he has always needed something outside himself to focus on in order to make life worthwhile. He agreed. And when I revealed that I felt "easily replaced," he said, "You're not easily replaced. Believe me," and we exchanged one of those looks that would have inevitably led to a heated kiss in the movies or on TV. But in real life? -- well, I have no idea what he thought or felt -- but no heat, not really, not on my end. I just felt the sharp tang of regret. Maybe he was feeling that same sort of amalgram.

I've not been writing much lately, mainly because I'm struggling with another phase of that grieving process. I've not really been very talkative to friends or family either, and I know at least some of my friends (notably HD) have noticed. I just don't feel like sounding too much like a broken record until I figure it out.

When I was married I pushed and pushed against the gilded cage I'd built for myself. I wanted freedom and I was profoundly frustrated that I couldn't taste of it from where I was ensconced. I resented the people around me that "prevented" me from being my full authentic self, which I felt would only be released when I was untethered by duty, obligation or guilt.

What I never realized until I got divorced -- and even for a long time after that because I was just so giddy with taking full and free breaths! -- was that "those people" had given my life boundaries. I had a place to feel secure and people that depended upon me. I had a sense of belonging. I knew where I was going and I knew why even if I didn't like it all the time. And most vital -- my life had meaning.

Now I come home every afternoon and look around at my empty apartment and wonder what it all means now that I don't have the people whom I didn't realize until I lost them, meant everything in the world to me. Who am I, now? Where is the meaning, now?

I'll figure it out.