What a difference a week makes. The ball has definitely been in my court and I've made some choice plays. The one I made the night before last was the most telling.
For background, he and I chatted on Skype a bit last weekend and as a result he's apparently assumed he's got some leeway with me permanently because I decided to allow a bit of it temporarily. Initially I thought that might've been a mistake but you know, the more I think about it, the more I think it was a smart move. It's brought out some behaviors that have been deducting points from his initial score.
So he's popped in game a couple of times over the last week while I've been busy interacting with another player. The first time he did he was chatty for a bit before becoming a little frisky. Okay, so though I took note of it and my reaction to it, I let that one slide. The second time he popped in he said hello, so did I, and then we began to interact in-game. Things were fine at the outset but by the end of the evening things got a little more intense but not beyond reason. Before he logged out he made an out of character comment about being slightly drunk. Ah well. He logged and that was that.
But this third time, night before last? He definitely overplayed his hand. He popped in and didn't say anything but hello before segueing into how I could help him out of what he called his unstimulated state. Wow, I thought, what the fuck, dude? Really? I moved to stage one of my kiss-off maneuvers and told him I was busy and that he'd have to find another avenue to pursue. Think he got the hint with that? Nope. Okaaaay. On to stage two, the 'let's see if there's a reasonable excuse for his poor judgment' stage. I asked him if he'd been drinking. This should have not only clued him into the fact that I hadn't responded favorably but also that he was exhibiting behavior I thought bad enough to originate from alcoholic lack of inhibition. Nope, he didn't catch this hint either! He said he'd only had one. Okay, not enough for that excuse to fly.
Another comment and that was that. I'd had enough. I told him he might want to back off; objectifying me wasn't a turn on and if he wanted to continue to speak to me he'd speak to my brain and not my body parts.
He backpedaled fast. Apologized, three times, profusely, and then left. I haven't seen him since.
A side comment: his disappearing act is fascinating. It means he knows he overplayed his hand. One strong word from a woman and all his macho bravado aside, he scurries off to hide when confronted. He's way softer and more dependent on women than he lets on. Some of his background story makes more sense in light of his actions here. Hmm....
Anyway, the moral to this story is an interesting one. There are times and places for this kind of stuff. It's not that I'm a prude, far from it, especially in this aspect of the seduction game! The mental backing and forthing is fantastic for me. I thoroughly enjoy bantering in this manner and I generally take it as the compliment it is when it's the right time and place. What I mean by that is, generally there's this wavelength you're looking for and you need to be able to read the receptiveness of your partner before you forge ahead. If you don't, you just end up crossing the border between sexy and crude. Major fail.
I'm sure he's licking his wounds and figuring out how to fix it. It'll be interesting to see his approach. Contrite, is my guess. We'll wait for him to take his turn.
((Song: "Centerfield" by John Fogerty. Lyrics here:
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/po_scf.shtml ))
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Would You Run Away? Would You Stay?
So when it rains, it pours.
About three weeks ago an online chat turned into what I'd call the chat version of drunk dialing. I saw him in IRC and messaged him to exchange a hello how you doing and before I knew it he was flirting, teasing and suggesting, his tone definitely different than his normal reserved attitude. Confused at first by this change (he'd been keeping me at a careful distance, only once or twice hinting of the reason behind the distance he studiously maintained) it became clearer when he told me he was drunk. Inebriation opened up the floodgates and he told me more about his life and his relationships with the people in it than I ever assumed he would. He also didn't hint any longer at the reason behind his reserve, telling me he'd kept his distance precisely because from the moment we'd met he'd been interested and he didn't want to be 'that guy.'
The chat as a whole was interesting, to be sure, laced with revelation at first that soon spiraled into innuendo spiced with the witty repartee of two people intent on seeing who could best manipulate the other's reaction. We both wondered who would take the crown from the other, intellectual equals performing an intricate dance. It felt very much like a scene from my favorite movie, Dangerous Liaisons. Even drunk he was very good at it. I enjoyed myself immensely.
We agreed to meet the next day on IRC. He never showed and frankly, I attributed it to a sober day-after kneejerk freakout and let it go at that. He disappeared for weeks, only surfacing last evening. He explained his absence as a need to stop the drinking he was doing and to get a handle on some things in his life. Now that's fine and dandy. He's a big boy with his own life and his own issues and none of those things involve me or will involve me.
I asked him if he remembered that he had invited me to come out and visit him over a weekend this fall. He said he had. He wondered if -- given his disappearing act -- the interest was even still there.
Hm. Food for thought. I admit I am intrigued. I am also hesitant. Boy's got issues. On the one hand, they're not mine and a day or two won't make them so. I can go home and leave them at his feet and say au revoir. On the other, he was a little more pushy sober than I might've liked and how he responds to my dial down request about that will definitely factor into it all.
As it is, I played extremely hard to get, dangling just enough carrot out there to keep him wondering if he'd make some tactical errors with me. He had. He'd conceded the court to me and I felt no guilt in taking the field. The next play is up to me.
I think the crown is mine.
((Song: "What Would Happen" by Meredith Brooks. Lyrics here:
https://www.msu.edu/~ovittles/lyrics/whatwouldhappen.htm ))
About three weeks ago an online chat turned into what I'd call the chat version of drunk dialing. I saw him in IRC and messaged him to exchange a hello how you doing and before I knew it he was flirting, teasing and suggesting, his tone definitely different than his normal reserved attitude. Confused at first by this change (he'd been keeping me at a careful distance, only once or twice hinting of the reason behind the distance he studiously maintained) it became clearer when he told me he was drunk. Inebriation opened up the floodgates and he told me more about his life and his relationships with the people in it than I ever assumed he would. He also didn't hint any longer at the reason behind his reserve, telling me he'd kept his distance precisely because from the moment we'd met he'd been interested and he didn't want to be 'that guy.'
The chat as a whole was interesting, to be sure, laced with revelation at first that soon spiraled into innuendo spiced with the witty repartee of two people intent on seeing who could best manipulate the other's reaction. We both wondered who would take the crown from the other, intellectual equals performing an intricate dance. It felt very much like a scene from my favorite movie, Dangerous Liaisons. Even drunk he was very good at it. I enjoyed myself immensely.
We agreed to meet the next day on IRC. He never showed and frankly, I attributed it to a sober day-after kneejerk freakout and let it go at that. He disappeared for weeks, only surfacing last evening. He explained his absence as a need to stop the drinking he was doing and to get a handle on some things in his life. Now that's fine and dandy. He's a big boy with his own life and his own issues and none of those things involve me or will involve me.
I asked him if he remembered that he had invited me to come out and visit him over a weekend this fall. He said he had. He wondered if -- given his disappearing act -- the interest was even still there.
Hm. Food for thought. I admit I am intrigued. I am also hesitant. Boy's got issues. On the one hand, they're not mine and a day or two won't make them so. I can go home and leave them at his feet and say au revoir. On the other, he was a little more pushy sober than I might've liked and how he responds to my dial down request about that will definitely factor into it all.
As it is, I played extremely hard to get, dangling just enough carrot out there to keep him wondering if he'd make some tactical errors with me. He had. He'd conceded the court to me and I felt no guilt in taking the field. The next play is up to me.
I think the crown is mine.
((Song: "What Would Happen" by Meredith Brooks. Lyrics here:
https://www.msu.edu/~ovittles/lyrics/whatwouldhappen.htm ))
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
We’d Like To Help You Learn To Help Yourself
There's a certain amount of freedom that comes to you as you get older -- at least for me personally. As a girl and young woman I was very rigid about what I thought was proper behavior and very hard on myself/good with excuses when I didn't live up to it. I'm now finding that rigidity is loosening a lot. I'm more sure of myself and less concerned with what others may think about what I do or feel. I know what I need and how I operate. It's funny, though. Years ago I would have looked at the current me and thought she was a slut.
Why? Because I was an idealist. I had a certain idea of how love, sex and romance was and how the three were supposed to be intertwined. I think most women suffer from this ideal to some extent and the differences come in how we choose to resolve it. In my case, I believed sex without true emotion was empty and meaningless. I found little enjoyment in it and no reason to participate in it. Though I still feel sex with emotion is preferable, my determination of the emotions I find acceptable has broadened. I've learned that I'm now capable of more separation than I was capable of in my younger years. I attribute this to the fact that I no longer need a man to help me define who I am. Sadly, I think men manage to go through that journey a lot faster than we women do but we do get there, usually in our late 30s and early 40s. I think it's the origin of why women in that age group are termed 'at their sexual peak.'
Now my regular readers know that I have medical issues regarding my sexual function and also know my feelings about those issues, so I won't rehash much of it here again unless I need to augment my discussion. I had a visitor a few weekends ago, a younger man of 30. I've known him for years though we'd never met face to face, but never got to know him well until we got reacquainted about six months ago. We now spend a lot of time together online -- he's smart and funny, easy to correspond with, considerate, and a bit shy until you get to know him. He's also not my type, for many reasons. He's a smoker. He's got a few personality tics that would drive me crazy over the long term. And he's a large guy, whereas I prefer skinnier guys. So yeah, initially I didn't consider him. I'd invited him to stay at my place over a weekend in which we'd be traveling together to meet a number of others and we ended up having a day's layover before he flew home. As it turned out, it was an interesting evening indeed.
I won't go any further into detail except to say two things. I took him a few places he'd never went before -- and plan to take him a few more in the future -- and he gave me the sense that I was appreciated regardless of my limitations, something I definitely needed. I had a great time. Mrs. Robinson indeed! He left and we've laughed and talked about it since. No strings, no worries. Just a good time. I woke up calm, I smiled about it, and I haven't stopped smiling each time I think about it.
So I'm finally moving towards real peace with this aspect of myself. I have a few people to thank for easing me into it over the years. HD for sure, he was the first to expose me to the possibility that it was not something I needed to hide from but explore and be aware of, and that it was okay to be that way. A couple trips and skips later -- a few times of feeling vaguely guilty or ashamed -- and finally this young guy comes along, this young guy I would have looked at in the past and never considered at all, but am now so glad that I did. I finally got pushed over that edge. It's about time I fully embraced and accepted the fact that my current reality is different from my ancient ideal, and that instead of whining any longer about what isn't, decide to truly enjoy what is.
((Song: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel. Lyrics here:
http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/mrs_robinson.html ))
Why? Because I was an idealist. I had a certain idea of how love, sex and romance was and how the three were supposed to be intertwined. I think most women suffer from this ideal to some extent and the differences come in how we choose to resolve it. In my case, I believed sex without true emotion was empty and meaningless. I found little enjoyment in it and no reason to participate in it. Though I still feel sex with emotion is preferable, my determination of the emotions I find acceptable has broadened. I've learned that I'm now capable of more separation than I was capable of in my younger years. I attribute this to the fact that I no longer need a man to help me define who I am. Sadly, I think men manage to go through that journey a lot faster than we women do but we do get there, usually in our late 30s and early 40s. I think it's the origin of why women in that age group are termed 'at their sexual peak.'
Now my regular readers know that I have medical issues regarding my sexual function and also know my feelings about those issues, so I won't rehash much of it here again unless I need to augment my discussion. I had a visitor a few weekends ago, a younger man of 30. I've known him for years though we'd never met face to face, but never got to know him well until we got reacquainted about six months ago. We now spend a lot of time together online -- he's smart and funny, easy to correspond with, considerate, and a bit shy until you get to know him. He's also not my type, for many reasons. He's a smoker. He's got a few personality tics that would drive me crazy over the long term. And he's a large guy, whereas I prefer skinnier guys. So yeah, initially I didn't consider him. I'd invited him to stay at my place over a weekend in which we'd be traveling together to meet a number of others and we ended up having a day's layover before he flew home. As it turned out, it was an interesting evening indeed.
I won't go any further into detail except to say two things. I took him a few places he'd never went before -- and plan to take him a few more in the future -- and he gave me the sense that I was appreciated regardless of my limitations, something I definitely needed. I had a great time. Mrs. Robinson indeed! He left and we've laughed and talked about it since. No strings, no worries. Just a good time. I woke up calm, I smiled about it, and I haven't stopped smiling each time I think about it.
So I'm finally moving towards real peace with this aspect of myself. I have a few people to thank for easing me into it over the years. HD for sure, he was the first to expose me to the possibility that it was not something I needed to hide from but explore and be aware of, and that it was okay to be that way. A couple trips and skips later -- a few times of feeling vaguely guilty or ashamed -- and finally this young guy comes along, this young guy I would have looked at in the past and never considered at all, but am now so glad that I did. I finally got pushed over that edge. It's about time I fully embraced and accepted the fact that my current reality is different from my ancient ideal, and that instead of whining any longer about what isn't, decide to truly enjoy what is.
((Song: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel. Lyrics here:
http://www.wbr.com/paulsimon/lyrics/mrs_robinson.html ))
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