It's been nearly a month since I've blogged here. My apologies, but it's been a bit crazy.
I didn't get the job that I wanted and that left me feeling a little cut adrift. Until the prospect of it was taken away I hadn't realized that I'd started making plans in my head about how my life was going to be when I had it. I'd been so concerned with the changes, and frightened of them, that I hadn't seen that I was also embracing them.
So, learning that I wasn't going to be considered sort of took the wind out of my sails there for a few weeks. I suffered through quite a bit of disappointment and was feeling very much like the proverbial rat in a cage. I'm through the majority of bitterness now but I am still sore inside that my life will remain here in this place for at least another year. I found out exactly how much of me wanted to be somewhere else and have the ability to create myself anew.
Instead, I must now confront my other option: staying here. Getting a nowhere job just because I have to. Deciding whether living from paycheck to paycheck again is worth my freedom. Because yes, I shamefully admit to thinking that maybe being where I am, married and comfortable, isn't so bad. But I knew that I would suffer from these moments of wanting and told myself that this time, I would not allow it. I would follow my head -- which knows that this is the right course -- and not my heart, which is full of shoulds -- "I should not do this. I should take the easiest and safest and securest route. I should stop and see I have a great life and a man who loves me and I'm lucky and I should stop bitching."
Well. Those shoulds are not accurate. Because no matter what, the person that I know that I am will eventually out again. You can only keep yourself hidden for so long. For good or for ill, I am not a woman that changes easily. The only changes I make -- and keep -- are the changes that I truly wish to change. No amount of telling myself that I am doing the "right" thing will help me to forget that I am not doing the right thing for me. Oh, I know that is true for many people but I am not concerned with that, only that it is true of myself. I have learned that eventually if I stifle those "right thing for me" feelings they bubble up and I do things that remind myself of it, things that hurt me, and I am tired of that. So I will pause and listen and not only listen, but act. Take heed.
In many ways, this job falling through is likely the best path for me right now. I have strong urges to fly away and move off, stemming from a few sources (not all of which are healthy by any means.) It's no doubt for the best that I have to remain here and get healthy, strong and independent before I go off chasing what it is that I need to chase. I will be here for my daughter as she also does the required transition.
Yes, it will be for the best. But eventually, I will be ready to move and reform a life. Maybe by that time, some things will also be ready for me.
((Song: "Sweetness Follows" by REM. Lyrics here:
http://www.davemcnally.com/lyrics/REM/AUTOMATICFORTHEPEOPLE/))
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