During the long Memorial Day weekend my husband and I sat down and had some interesting discussions. We spoke about finances -- more about that in another entry -- but also more about our situation and our feelings, which have at times been for the good and at others, completely exhausting. I never know which I'm going to get.
He told me he'd been back and forth about whether he was being a bad person. He said he felt like he wasn't loving me enough because he felt if he truly loved me that he'd be able to lay aside his own needs. He felt guilty for having the needs he had even though he'd told me at other times when angry and frustrated that he didn't want to be made to feel guilty for being normal and having a normal libido. I understood what he was trying to say for I've felt it myself. Saying you don't want to feel guilty because when you look deeper you do, and you resent that feeling -- you hate that you feel guilty for something that you should not feel guilty for! Why should you feel guilty for having your own set of needs? That's just not fair to expect someone to lay aside their needs like they don't exist. Oh, it can be done but even when it's successful for the short term, it does deep and lasting damage to the relationship between two people over the long haul.
I told him that he had loved me more than enough. That he wasn't a bad person for having those needs. That he was normal. That he was right for insisting upon taking care of himself after trying so hard for so long. I truly believe all these things. He was doing the best that he was capable of -- being who he was -- just as I was.
And then I learned the question that was hidden within all this. I thought I'd answered before, but it was apparent that it hadn't been clear enough for him. He was still struggling with the conflicting emotions he had between doing what he felt he needed to do and doing what was actually the right thing for himself. And he needed me to answer a question that would help guide him.
We had been discussing the possibility of living as roommates in a sexually barren marriage. In other words, the way I wanted to live with him. In my mind's eye that is as loving partners, comrades and dear friends, as parents and companions, always knowing we have each other's backs. Without the physical pressures that have lingered, other than affection.
He said he could see doing that if he had hope that there was a point where that would end, when I would get better and come back to being his wife in every sense of the word. He said he thought he could do that if that was going to be the result. But he said he felt that if he agreed to do that, that he would be waiting forever. And that was his question. Would he?
I hated to answer this. It made me seem so base. So unworthy. So shallow. To answer it made me reveal all that I had lost for him and how much he had retained for me. To answer it proved that he was the better person than I was, more capable of commitment, loyalty and constancy. But I knew that if I did not answer it honestly I would be hurting him more and perpetuating the cycle of deception within myself that I had vowed to break. So I had to tell him that he probably would.
By all that is holy, karma is such a first-class bitch.
((Song: "Run Around" by Blues Traveler. Lyrics:
http://bluestraveler.com/albumLyrics.php?aid=4#3))
No comments:
Post a Comment