Other than that sharp turn in Vegas where I had a great time, and an even sharper turn into sickness (from which I've recovered other than a lingering cough) I've been wandering about my apartment for weeks now, adrift, bored.
I've been wondering what to do, knowing that the things I once found fresh and fun and preferable to being wife and mother are now sour and stale, tasteless. I sit in front of the computer, once my lifeline, reading blog after blog until my eyes glaze over. I've plopped my ass in front of the TV and stared blindly at it to pass the time. I've read a few books but that doesn't occupy me much more than an hour at a time. I've been so restless that I've even -- perish the thought! -- considered playing online video games again even though they bore me to tears.
I remember back to my old life, the one I hated, and wonder why I hated it. I had focus. I feel like I've given that focus away and it was a good one, being a mother. I need something new so that I can find that urge again and take up the mantle of mother in a different way, that isn't attached to being "wife."
So this week I'm back at work, at this same nowhere place, going nowhere fast.....and I've decided. I can't do this any longer.
I have to have my own place. I have to have time to be a mother and a career woman. I have to go somewhere and do something with the rest of my life. I cannot stand being 40 and living with a freaking roommate.
Enough.
I'm going back to school.
((Song: "Knowledge Is Power!" from Schoolhouse Rock! Lyrics here:
http://www.schoolhouserock.tv/ ))
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