Notice Anything?

Yes, the blog has become a splendiferous burst of color. So much better than that drab miserable blackness that was there mostly because my life felt that way a few years ago. I felt it was time to sweep away the old and insert the new.

I'll be away from the blog for a few days. I am serving on a jury. It will be a valuable lesson as I'm currently studying for a career in the legal profession. It will be interesting, to say the very least.

Oh and thank you soooooo much, my dear friend who gave me the idea of Galt 1069 (you know who you are!) I stole it blatantly and without shame.

It Was Easy-Japanesey

I'm not sure that the ex and I have broken up yet. Oh, we're divorced all right, and have been for months. But broken up? You be the judge.

This morning I got a call from him. He'd received a text from his sister-in-law about plans on Friday. Though her text didn't say it, the plans involved a birthday party for her son that she wanted our kiddo to attend. (She'd also texted me about the plans to clear them with me since this coming weekend is my weekend with kiddo.)

He started out by explaining he'd received a text and that the text was speaking of Friday, and before he began explaining that he was calling to ask if I knew what the hell the text was about, I had already started laughing and told him what was going on. I then kidded him about his pride about not wanting to text her back and ask. He admitted that yes, she'd spoken to him about it this weekend but for the life of him he couldn't recall what she was talking about. So I laughed again and then said to him, "So this is how it is, hm? We're divorced and you still depend on my memory as your day planner?"

He said, "Well, yeah. You're still my default wife!" We laughed a few more minutes together and then said our goodbyes. But in the way of things like this, the conversation brought to focus a lot of the things I've been thinking about the last couple days.

I knew what he'd done and why he was calling before he had to explain. He wasn't insulted by my disparaging comments about his memory or by the fact that I took pleasure in pointing out that he'd lived up to my expectations of such. It was a conversation of acknowledgment of who and what we were, and of understanding and acceptance --and yes, affection -- for those idiosyncrasies.

I miss that, you know; the "being known" part. That part of the intimacy of being married was what held the most meaning to me and I don't think I fully understood the entirety of its value to me when I was in the thick of it -- when we were more sharply reminded of the needs that we couldn't meet for each other and forgetful of the things that we already had. I would be foolish to forget that we both sacrificed things when we divorced though I suspect that neither of us wagered on the strength of this one.

I hope that we don't lose that "being known" feeling that it took us so very long to build. So far we haven't, but very little time has passed. No one has replaced me for him or vice versa. Not even Yo, which is assuredly the reason she thinks of him as her Mr. Big (a topic for another post for sure!) I just know that of all the things I have gained and have lost, missing this sense of belonging is the hardest of all my pills to swallow.

Not to say that my gains haven't been good ones. When the ex and the kiddo were driving home from visiting me at the ER (I was having some sort of racing pulse/warm feelings/slight confusion issues, story not really necessary here) the ex said that the kiddo told him something. She said she was getting over her low self-esteem and she was really liking her life, as well as realizing she loved her mom, and that she never realized her mom was such a cool person.

That meant a lot to me. But I couldn't resist it; when the ex called to tell me that, I told him, "You mean all I had to do to get my daughter to appreciate me was to leave?"

We both chuckled but you know, maybe there's more truth in there than I realize. You don't really appreciate things until you can no longer take them for granted. She and I can get along on a different level now that I'm not the one riding her ass constantly about every little decision or move she makes.

I readily admit that I was doing just that. I always have tried to exert control over my environment and I doubt I'll change on that score anytime soon. I tried to stop that with her in particular, telling myself it was best for her if I didn't. I didn't do a very good job. It's not in my nature. So it's probably better that she lives with her dad, where he lets her make more of her own decisions and live with the consequences they render. She'll be all the more mature and capable because of it.

I won't know how good my decision truly was for a while yet, but maybe I'm starting to catch some small glimpses of it even at this juncture. That is a comforting thought.

((Song: "I Got The Drop On You" by Mike Doughty. Lyrics here:
http://www.mikedoughty.com/music/lyrics/123 ))

Technical Difficulties

We'll be back to our regularly scheduled program as soon as a) my provider decides it'll fix my internet service in a consistent manner instead of letting it appear and then disappear in small bursts, and b) my place of employment decides to stop blocking Blogger.

We'll Make Up Our Story As We Go Along

I had a good weekend with the kiddo, which included introducing her to the sardonically comedic pleasure that is Blackadder. I have to admit that I am so proud of myself for doing a bang-up job of raising that kid well. Between Seinfeld, the Monkees, Sex In the City, Monty Python and Blackadder, she'll have a veritable sea of sarcastic, witty one-liners to draw from when needed in all her future endeavors. Score!

Last Sunday the kiddo called me and asked if I was doing anything. It so happened that I was -- I'd planned a slothful day of genealogy -- but when she said she was bored and she wanted to get together, I willingly laid my other plans aside. The fact that she'd called was reason enough!

She and I spent an enjoyable day together and when I dropped her at her dad's he mentioned that he and I hadn't spoken in a few weeks and he was curious about how I was doing. Did I like where I was living and being independent? Was I in a good place emotionally?

I told him that yes, I was enjoying being independent and yes, I was in a good emotional place. And you know, I am.

He told me he felt being married -- and not necessarily to him, but just being in the institution -- seemed to stifle me and that I'd never been able to stretch my wings. I agreed, and then something I hadn't really realized I believed came tumbling out of my mouth. I told him the reason for that was because of my traditionalist sense of marriage. I didn't want to have those traditional ideas but I did nevertheless. You know the one, about making a tacit agreement to step one mental pace behind your husband, be his support network....show your love and respect for his judgement by doing so? Little had I realized that some of the resentment I harbored was not as much against him as it was against myself for making a choice and agreeing to something that over time I was not willing to continue to do. My own beliefs about how marriage "should" be conducted had kept me caged.

I am now free of those self-imposed chains and free to be and do what I wish. I am free to be his equal partner -- his friend. We are now on equal footing. That, I think, is his ultimate gift of love to me. Believe me, I appreciate it.

I either have a lot more growing up to do (meaning, to "get over" the way I feel) or I've finally actually grown up by accepting instead of attempting to bury my own personal unpleasant truths. I stopped trying to put my square peg in someone else's round hole. Like it or not, I'm not a progressive thinker when it comes to relationships. Ah well. At least now I'm aware of it and can avoid situations that show all the signs in the future.

I hope.

The ex said something else He said my kiddo has, on two occasions, said that she never realized how "cool" her mom was. She's also not having the trouble she used to in saying the words, "I love you" to me. Though they are mumbled, they are at least there! The ex said that kiddo has taken to mentioning me a lot more around Yo and plays the music I listen to and is generally a lot more open to admitting that I matter to her.

This means the world to me. I have spent so many tearful days and sleepless nights feeling guilty over voluntarily giving up a relationship with my daughter in order to find my own footing. I worried she would feel abandoned or marginalized or grow cool and distant.

Although I've been witness to the phenomenon time and again, it never ceases to surprise me that the passage of time does actually help change a person's perspectives. I thought I'd lose her, when in fact this may have been the thing we needed at this stage in our lives. She sees me not as the disciplinarian mother to butt heads with (as moms and teenage daughters almost invariably do at this point) but as someone that matters and is not to be taken for granted. I'll be the first to admit I am difficult to live with and I was always the one more in her face to do everything "just right" than her dad is, and she bucked under the constant rules, rules, rules. I think this may have helped spare us those battles for control.

I am feeling so much better now. The guilt is fading. Life is good again. Time does heal most everything if you let it.

((Song: "As We Go Along" by the Monkees. Lyrics here:
http://www.monkees.net/DOCS/LYRICS/ASWEGO.htm ))

I Ain't Got The Legs To Run That Race

It's really hard to deal with when someone that you know understands nothing of what they speak of tries to pass judgment upon you. Of all the things that turn me off of religion or its practitioners and/or adherents to the ideals behind it, that would have to be my number one pet peeve.

I realize that we are all subject to our prejudices in one way or another. That's a given and I'm not immune to the practice myself. I think a certain way and I (like most of us) tend to imprint my environment with the stamp of my perceptions. But I would like to hope that I've managed to perfect a blend of mental gymnastics with a certain amount of empathy that would allow me to step into another's shoes and see (if only temporarily) through their eyes. I hope I've learned enough about life in my 40 years to be able to extrapolate another's thought patterns when I am given a set of variables. And I most certainly hope that I am able to do this by the laying aside of MY thought patterns, if only for that small period it takes to perform my calculations. A form of emotional algebra, if you will?

It might be a supreme irony, then, for me to complain about people who can't do this. After all, I should be able to step into their shoes, right? Right. And I can, and I do. Understand, that is. What frustrates me are the people who are unwilling to even make the attempt and deem it needless to do so on grounds of moral superiority. Those who are unwilling to make the effort and instead believe -- without testing, without asking -- that what they think is right and what others think is wrong just because THEY think it. Walking through the world with blinders on makes me crazy.

Those sorts of people tend to think logical thought is a one-way path and once they begin to walk it there is no need to deviate from that path. I wonder what fears lie underneath such a need. Is it easier to move through life if you have boundaries that you create and thoughts to think and beliefs to believe and no questions asked? Safety and security and the need to feel correct about things becomes paramount. The question why? should have a solution; as a matter of fact, every question should have a solution. Asking a question and knowing it cannot be answered is not only useless but irrelevant. Don't have an answer? Ask an authority, get an answer, and move on.

To these people, intelligence becomes a badge they wear and can show proudly to others....but most importantly to themselves. Spouting empirical knowledge becomes a measure of their worth. What they "know" assures them that there is a logical order to people and things and that they have a place within it.

I know it is too much for me to expect that a person who thinks like this will be able to understand a vastly different point of view, or even want to. When the correct answer has been found, the work it takes to suspend their own set of beliefs and superimpose another's -- and then pretend that the other's view is now "correct" -- is too much if not impossible.

Given all this, it is left up to me to do the work. I am the one with the ability, after all. Understand it I might, but I will remain eternally frustrated, oftentimes exasperated, and randomly insulted.


((Song: "Too Sick To Pray" by A3. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/song/544988.html ))

These Are The Contents Of My Head

Spoke to BiB tonight after a rather long hiatus.

I'm not sure yet how I feel about it. I'm wandering the apartment with some port in hand, wondering what to do to keep myself occupied. V is out of town this weekend going to visit some chick in a city a few hours from here. I've definitely been looking forward to having the place to myself and I'm enjoying it, don't get me wrong. I plan to do a certification program online this weekend, and enjoy the time to sleep in, and get some genealogy done. Oh, I have plenty to do.

But BiB leaves me with a bit of unease tonight. I've spoken to him before -- a couple of times now since I've lived here -- but this is the first time in almost a year that I'm really feeling that old sense of melancholy. The conversation was longer than normal and friendlier than normal and we were both much more at ease.

I shouldn't be surprised. It's been almost two years. Enough time has passed that we should be easily talking and laughing. So if that is so, why is this so difficult? It shouldn't be.

The conversation took a shift when he mentioned that there was a conference here that he wasn't going to this year but that he could possibly make it to next year. He works for a law firm in their IT department (he hasn't told me which one, I haven't asked) and they are possibly sending him to FL for some training in the next few months. Of course when he mentioned all this, our conversation dwelled a bit on the details of each others emails (he still has mine in his old account, he checked and let me know he had it) and the giving out of new email addresses. We spoke a little about getting together for lunch if he happens to be here next year; I mentioned it and he agreed and seemed amenable to the idea.

I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole thing. Right now, at this moment, I miss him again as I remember all the things we said and did and were. There were points tonight where we clicked again, laughing and joking like the friends we used to be. I know it wasn't the same, but it did feel nice.

So here I am tonight, melancholy and pensive, thinking back over the past again. And yes. I miss him.

((Song: "Why?" by Annie Lennox. Lyrics here:
http://artists.letssingit.com/annie-lennox-why-936tvlt ))

You Don't Know What You Think You Know

The phone rang this morning around 7 am as I was packing my things to head to work. I figured it had to be the ex, and sure enough, it was. He's begun the practice of calling me at that time because he's in his truck heading to work, by himself, and can therefore speak to me without worrying if the kiddo is around poking her nose and ears into everything.

His first words?

"Well.....have you heard the news?"

In that fraction of a second that existed before I said, "No," my brain did that fill in the blank thing. What it filled in was, "You and Yo are getting married."

Because yes, I think they eventually might. It's only been seven or eight months since they've been going out but the ex was never just a dating type. He wants a permanent woman. He's not good doing the by himself sort of thing.

And if they do, I have to wonder....how will he tell me about it? Will he be awkward? Unsure? Will it just tumble out all in a rush?

But that's not what he said, of course. He was letting me know the latest in kiddo's relationship saga. Seems her ex-girlfriend's parents have decided to let the two girls talk again. This is a big step for her parents; they'd initially had a religious and moral cataplexy and had barred the girls from spending time together. The girls haven't really seen too much of each other for about a year.

Anyway, the kiddo is quite happy. It was my job to counsel prudence and forethought on her part in order to maintain this sudden turn of events. I did that job in between a run to the bookstore to pick up "The Princess Bride" (a book she's required to read in her English class) and some zombie book by a guy named Max Brooks. She told me she'd already thought of that and was planning to treat this like the second chance she knew it was.

I dropped her off at her house and the ex was there. We spoke to the kiddo a bit about her grades -- one of which is threatening to put her into grounding mode -- and then after a bit of lecturing/griping/general parenting, I got in my car to head home.

A mixture of emotions went with me, the old familiar trio of guilt and sadness and relief. They've lessened over the passing months but they've yet to go away completely. I've told myself over and over in my life that emotions that you don't confront never really go away but just hide somewhere dark until they sense it's safe to come out again.

Am I confronting these? I'm not sure yet. Guess I'll find out someday.


((Song: "Call The Police" by James Morrison. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jamesmorrison/callthepolice.html ))