I had a good weekend with the kiddo, which included introducing her to the sardonically comedic pleasure that is Blackadder. I have to admit that I am so proud of myself for doing a bang-up job of raising that kid well. Between Seinfeld, the Monkees, Sex In the City, Monty Python and Blackadder, she'll have a veritable sea of sarcastic, witty one-liners to draw from when needed in all her future endeavors. Score!
Last Sunday the kiddo called me and asked if I was doing anything. It so happened that I was -- I'd planned a slothful day of genealogy -- but when she said she was bored and she wanted to get together, I willingly laid my other plans aside. The fact that she'd called was reason enough!
She and I spent an enjoyable day together and when I dropped her at her dad's he mentioned that he and I hadn't spoken in a few weeks and he was curious about how I was doing. Did I like where I was living and being independent? Was I in a good place emotionally?
I told him that yes, I was enjoying being independent and yes, I was in a good emotional place. And you know, I am.
He told me he felt being married -- and not necessarily to him, but just being in the institution -- seemed to stifle me and that I'd never been able to stretch my wings. I agreed, and then something I hadn't really realized I believed came tumbling out of my mouth. I told him the reason for that was because of my traditionalist sense of marriage. I didn't want to have those traditional ideas but I did nevertheless. You know the one, about making a tacit agreement to step one mental pace behind your husband, be his support network....show your love and respect for his judgement by doing so? Little had I realized that some of the resentment I harbored was not as much against him as it was against myself for making a choice and agreeing to something that over time I was not willing to continue to do. My own beliefs about how marriage "should" be conducted had kept me caged.
I am now free of those self-imposed chains and free to be and do what I wish. I am free to be his equal partner -- his friend. We are now on equal footing. That, I think, is his ultimate gift of love to me. Believe me, I appreciate it.
I either have a lot more growing up to do (meaning, to "get over" the way I feel) or I've finally actually grown up by accepting instead of attempting to bury my own personal unpleasant truths. I stopped trying to put my square peg in someone else's round hole. Like it or not, I'm not a progressive thinker when it comes to relationships. Ah well. At least now I'm aware of it and can avoid situations that show all the signs in the future.
I hope.
The ex said something else He said my kiddo has, on two occasions, said that she never realized how "cool" her mom was. She's also not having the trouble she used to in saying the words, "I love you" to me. Though they are mumbled, they are at least there! The ex said that kiddo has taken to mentioning me a lot more around Yo and plays the music I listen to and is generally a lot more open to admitting that I matter to her.
This means the world to me. I have spent so many tearful days and sleepless nights feeling guilty over voluntarily giving up a relationship with my daughter in order to find my own footing. I worried she would feel abandoned or marginalized or grow cool and distant.
Although I've been witness to the phenomenon time and again, it never ceases to surprise me that the passage of time does actually help change a person's perspectives. I thought I'd lose her, when in fact this may have been the thing we needed at this stage in our lives. She sees me not as the disciplinarian mother to butt heads with (as moms and teenage daughters almost invariably do at this point) but as someone that matters and is not to be taken for granted. I'll be the first to admit I am difficult to live with and I was always the one more in her face to do everything "just right" than her dad is, and she bucked under the constant rules, rules, rules. I think this may have helped spare us those battles for control.
I am feeling so much better now. The guilt is fading. Life is good again. Time does heal most everything if you let it.
((Song: "As We Go Along" by the Monkees. Lyrics here:
http://www.monkees.net/DOCS/LYRICS/ASWEGO.htm ))
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