Shopping with my kiddo was the theme for this past weekend. We went shopping a total of three times without dragging of feet or whining about having to actually go, which -- I believe -- is a record for us. The first time was for a bra. The second was at this cool vintage shop in the arts district. The third was at a ritzy department store's discount outlet. I'll speak of the bra last.
Now my kiddo normally lives in overly baggy jeans and skate shoes and hoodies two sizes too big. Most people who meet her think she's a boy and with good reason. Her hair is cropped short to meet JROTC regs, she doesn't wear makeup, and she wears sports bras that smush her down.
Anyway, she's starting to get interested in "cooler" clothing and things that fit more to size. Yay! We went into a vintage clothing store in the local arts district because it was a way to walk off our root beer drinking binge (kiddo is a root beer fiend and this place had 28 varieties!) We were looking around and I spotted this vintage long-sleeved b&w Lanvin shirt with a street scene on it. On another rack was a v-necked vest, black and shiny "snakeskin" style, that zipped in the back. Both were size 2/4-ish and when kiddo tried them on together they looked fantastic! She fell in love and I knew right then I'd get them both for her xmas present. A little steep, but whatever. I rarely buy anything any more and it was just a great pleasure for me to do it. It's almost like I'm living vicariously through her because she's got the body to wear that stuff and when I had it, I never took advantage.
The third time we went shopping was at a local department store discount outlet. It was during this trip that she tried on a hot pink Anne Klein blazer that looked smashing but was just not cheap enough for my budget after the Lanvin. Kiddo did happen to mention that she'd decided she was happy that her dad was marrying Yo and that the prospect of having a little brother wasn't as bad as she'd originally thought. She told me Yo's son had been talking nonstop to the babysitter about kiddo and that made her feel really good. I told her I thought it was good that she felt that way. And I do. Well, for the most part.
And oh yes.....my ex is getting married this weekend. It's why we went shopping for the bra.
My kiddo is in the wedding but not as one of the bridesmaids, thank goodness. It is sooooo not her style. She's playing the best (wo)man role, standing next to her father. Yo took kiddo out a month or so ago and bought her a black tux to wear that can be used for formal events later on. It's a woman's tux and cut to fit as such -- my kiddo is taller than I am with a lithe frame that very much resembles Katherine Moenning's (who plays Shane from the L Word.) The shirt she got to wear underneath is fuchsia and kiddo loves it. However, the sports bras my kiddo wears just don't work with the shape of the tux so when I picked her up she and I had to go buy a new bra, the first 'real' one she needed to actually size. Coulda knocked me over with a feather when the size she eventually needed was 34D!
All this aside, my feelings concerning the wedding are like a soup, really -- you throw in a little of this and a little of that and even if they don't fit together originally, eventually they make something different. I'm relieved, angry, sad, hopeless, bitter, amused, happy for him, hopeful it works out, replaced, jealous, revolted.....the list goes on and on. I try them on and throw them away like suits. I never know which one I'll be wearing on any given day.
I find myself wondering how soon it will be before Yo gets knocked up. Ex isn't getting any younger and if he waits too long he'll be 60 before the kid would even be out of high school. Kiddo might be getting a half-sibling as well as a step-sibling. There's this part of me that wonders why he feels the need to change what our little family was in order to make kiddo's life 'better.' Making it better implies that whatever he might have told me, he really never believed that kiddo's being an only child was any good. I had the sense of that here and there throughout our marriage but I always thought that one way wasn't any better or worse than the other, just different. It's amazing, how we lived together for 17 years and yet could find ourselves in such completely different places. It's like we never knew each other at all. I know that's not true, but at times it certainly feels like it.
One other niggling thing. I've thought about the time frame he says that he met Yo in but there is something about it that's not quite jiving with what I recall him talking about at the time. I remember him talking about their initial meetings and the aftermath of them months before I moved out. I remember wondering at the time if he wasn't a bit interested in her because of the way the situation played out. Funny, though. He says now he met her a few weeks after I moved out.
He's lying.
You know, that's okay. You'd think -- of all the things that would make me angry and bitter -- that stretch of the truth would be the major sore point. You'd think so. But honestly, it's not. It is knowing that even if he didn't actually cheat, he was guilty enough about what he did feel that he felt he needed to cover over the circumstances of their meeting with the soft cloth of prevarication.
That means he's just as infallible as I am. Now that, I like. Now that is comforting.
((Song: " Love and Marriage" by Frank Sinatra. Lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/frank-sinatra/love-and-marriage.html ))
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