...

Ex and Yo came over this evening to drop off a washer and dryer for me. It's our old set; they decided to use Yo's. It got dented on the way over because some nimrod teenager rear-ended them on their way over. His insurance was 2 days expired so ex gets stuck having to deal with his own policy's uninsured motorist coverage. Luckily no one was hurt. I have yet to find out if the washer even works.

I only glanced at ex's ring finger once. A shiny new band replaced the one he wore with me. I'd love to say that I sailed through the meeting with ease and panache but I didn't, not really. I was just fine when they were here excepting I couldn't muster up the words to say congrats like my roommate did. I watched the ex carrying the washer and dryer up the stairs to my apartment and even though Yo was standing right there I had to watch myself from being too overprotective of him. He had been seriously injured a few years ago and small things kept popping up in my head, times when I took care of him and how I've always taken care of him. And even though it's been a year and a half since I moved out and a little less than a year since we divorced, it's a habit that's hard to break.

I wonder when I'll finally be able to fully reconcile my head and my heart or when they will finally seamlessly blend without even the hint of the regression they put me through now. I wonder when I'll be able to say congratulations and leave without turning -- literally or figuratively -- to look behind me.

I wonder when I'll really stop loving him.