You Tried Your Best But You Were Only Being You

I've always believed my ex was a bit more emotionally developed than many men, but now I've begun to wonder how much of this development was his own and how much was dependent upon my feeding him the proper signals.

Some months ago the ex and I had a heated phone conversation about his impending nuptials and how fast he'd moved with Yo, and some of my behavior during that call was something I wasn't proud of. I ended up revealing more of my hurt feelings and regrets than I cared to and after it was over and we'd apologized to each other I resolved that I wouldn't let myself lose it like that again. I have my pride.

Since then I've kept that internal promise though it's been much harder recently. Their marriage has stirred up that sleeping giant. Screw friendly; civil is about all I've been able to muster up. One would think that ex knows me well enough to see through my facade but he gave me some cause to wonder last night when he invited me to a dinner at his next-door neighbor's house. This next-door neighbor had many dinners over at his place with me and the ex, and now he wants me to go over there and share dinner with the old neighbor and the new wife? Can you say awkward?

And oh yes, there was the great moment when her boy called my ex "Daddy!"

Maybe later on I'll be able to share a dinner over there but right now I'm too raw and I don't think he gets that because unlike me, he's got distractions and this new family to help him funnel away or cover over any underlying emotions. My reactions to his marriage probably won't make much sense to him -- after all, I was the one that left! I was the one that didn't try to save anything or didn't want to! I was the one that wanted him to find a happier relationship! -- all of that is true in and of itself. But as in anything involving the heart, there's much more to it. I just don't want to have to explain all of it to him.

So I refused dinner. I don't think I could have said no any faster without being rude. I might have skated along the other side of rude even though I tried not to. I left soon thereafter and when he reached around to hug me I pulled away ever so slightly and he just ended up patting my back. I said a quick goodbye and made my escape.

The only way I can continue to do this is to distance myself from the lot of them. I didn't have to before he got married but I do now. I don't like crying myself to sleep at night and I can't let it get to me like that for too much longer. The only way I can keep that from happening is to pull away. The more I cling to the what was, the less I am able to deal with the what it is now, and I have to do that for my own well-being.

I'm sure he'll notice the distance eventually. Maybe he'll even understand it. Hopefully he'll understand it without being told and that for right now and for some time from now, sacrificing the closeness we had is the price that's got to be paid. We can talk about our kiddo. Time will do the rest.


((Song: "Runaground" by James. Lyrics here:
http://www.cmt.com/lyrics/james/runaground/1382514/lyrics.jhtml ))