I don't think too many people operate under a complete absence of faith. I feel safe in saying most of us accept there are unknowns in the world and that those unknown things can and do have direct and profound influence upon human lives. We're all also aware that just because we don't know something, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist nevertheless. The shock of learning something has happened and the subesequent change in one's own personal reality (a death, for example, no matter if it was minutes or years before) doesn't change the moment in time in which the death actually occurred. That's simple subjective versus objective reality and isn't a difficult concept to grasp.
When it comes right down to it, however, I firmly believe some people are better equipped to engage in the processes that faith requires of them than others are. I'm not one of those people. I have this voice in my head, an insistent and uncompromising one. It won't let me ignore it. It refuses to allow me to seek the bliss of believing what it knows I find personally inconsistent. In the past I've tried to reach out and speak to some deity idea and invariably it begins to hiss at me. "You know you lieeeee....." it whispers, and yes, I have to admit than I am.
An important part of being able to find faith is being able to ignore that voice. How many times have I told myself, "I just have to believe that [fill in the blank]
That's okay, though. I'd rather live an internally honest life, even if outwardly it doesn't appear that I am, than live an internal lie. I'm in constant turmoil if I allow myself to do that. I've served my time in that place in the past -- bound with the dual chains of duty and pride -- and finally managed to extricate myself. I'm a work in progress; I'm slowly learning how to integrate the two and live outwardly as I believe inwardly. It means having faith in myself. I continue to seek that sort of faith as well.
When I reflect upon my beliefs and their origins as well as why I can't seem to ignore that voice I hear in this matter above all, I find the concepts of faith, validity, and justice are indelibly entwined in my psyche. In order to place my faith in something there has to be a valid reason for me to do so. This validity doesn't always have a basis in rational logic -- my feelings are of equal validity -- but it does have to be something I've seen in existence or have experienced in action and can therefore extrapolate from. There must also be a sense of fairness or justice before I can allow myself to place my faith in something or someone. It's not enough to merely meet the criteria of a valid reason. While I can accept the randomness in nature, or in whatever collectiveness may exist, or even of chaos itself, I can't seem to accept the same from a deity responsible for the caretaking of humanity. That something could be flippant with the responsibility -- quite frankly -- is beneath my contempt. It's difficult if not impossible for me to allow myself to submit to the whim of another being. To willingly hand my life over for another to run? Goodness, my control issues run deeply!
Go ahead and laugh -- I realize the irony inherent in requiring proof for faith. Faith isn't supposed to be something based on proof. Faith just is, for no "good" reason, for nothing other than pure belief. Faith can and does exist independent of all that could be contrary to it.
I can't, and won't ever, find that sort of faith within me. The voice that whispers the truth that exposes the lie and exists in the deepest recesses of my being won't let it take up residence there. Even when I do the opposite, I know when any choice I make or desire I have is contrary to what I know is my personal truth. That's why I'll never know the bliss of blind or unquestioning faith.
((Song: "Faith" by George Michael. Lyrics here:
http://www.fortunecity.com/tinpan/gallagher/47/faith2.html))
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