Reality Check

I went to the gym today to do a short workout/introductory session with a personal trainer -- it's part of the package deal when you sign up. It wasn't a difficult workout but it did give me a bit of insight into some details.

First off, I weigh 137 now and I have a 36% BMI. That means I'm considered obese. Obese? GAHHHH!!!!! I have 49 lbs of body fat and 88 lbs of muscle/bones/lean tissue. He said he'd like to see me at 121 lbs with a 22% BMI, 27 lbs of body fat and 94 lbs of muscle/bones/lean tissue.

Ha. I haven't seen 121 lbs since I was 21 years old.

The trainer told me that it will easily take 8-10 months for that to happen. Currently he says I have about 77,000 calories to burn to reach the 121 lb goal, since each lb of body fat I now have will take a 3500 calorie burn to remove. 77,000/3500 = 22 lbs of fat that needs to be gone.

He also let me know that I need to EAT. The worst thing I could do, he said, is to tell my body to work harder yet deny it a steady supply of nourishment -- it will conserve by feeding off my muscle mass instead of my fat stores. He said that as we age, the body is losing muscle mass anyway and that lack of exercise only hastens the muscle atrophy. I have to admit that eating more has been a difficult thing for me even though I feel hungrier now. I've been on portion control for so long that it feels very "bad" of me to eat a lot. I've been maintaining 1000-1200 calories a day for a long time and he tells me that's placed my body in a long-term starvation mode, kicking my metabolism down even more from its naturally low starting point. Ack. I don't want that. I suspect that the dramatic weight loss I experienced in 2007 (approx 30 lbs in about 4 months) due to stress diminished my muscles stores rather than my fat stores.

I learned a lot from the session -- some that I knew already and was practicing, and other things that I knew in an abstract sense but had not done the connective thinking necessary to really understand it all.

I'm probably not doing enough and I will probably plateau at some point. I'll need to combat that by applying some muscle confusion techniques when that occurs. I'll also need to remember not to get frustrated and not give up. I'll be buying some resistance bands and using them at the house, and some dumbells too.

Good grief. I'm actually exercising! And liking it! Watch out people, the sky may just start falling any day now. Hee.

In other news, I'm heading out of town tomorrow afternoon to meet X. I haven't seen him since our trip to Las Vegas in December of '07 before my nasty bout of pneumonia. He's going to be in a big city about 3 hours away from me and called to ask if I could meet him (he didn't realize it was 3 hrs away, he thought it was only about 1 or 2 at most) and I told him sure. I said it was the least I could do since he treated me to Vegas! I managed to get a personal day off work and I don't have to drive back tomorrow night so we can both relax and go out to dinner and have a good time. My throat is a little sore right now and I've been feeling that for about 4 days since the weather changed. I've also had a headache off and on the last couple days too as well as an ache in my side near my right kidney that's tender. Here's hoping there's no replay of the meet X/get sick scenario of last time! Or (god forbid!) my kidney stones are moving!

Ehh, my life is just busybusybusy lately. Work, work, work. I haven't quite adjusted yet. I'll get there.

Time for bed. Must get my beauty sleep!

Feeling Good Was Good Enough For Me

I haven't measured myself this week to see if I've lost any more inches but it sure doesn't feel like it. I've been eating like a pig and only working out 4 days a week the last couple of weeks. I'm paying for it, apparently -- I've felt bloaty and miserable. I'd love to blame it on PMS or "that time of the month" but I can't. I was neutered way back in '01 and haven't had to deal with any of that in years. Amen, Hallelulah.

I do have a kinda-sorta-almost-but-not-quite-near excuse for the 4-day workouts. I did some leg lifts last Thursday that I (obviously) did wrong. I strained my back something awful and stayed home from work on Friday, taking Aleve and generally feeling sorry for myself. I decided to look at it as a much needed Mental Health Day.

The kiddo spent last weekend with me and she and I had a great time. We hung out at my BFFs place, where kiddo got a lesson on quadratic equations. BFF is a great teacher; she has had a lot of practice homeschooling her own three kiddos. She definitely has a "teacher mode" that she swings into for lessons and kiddo and I chuckled about that later. I'm sure that the lessons weren't what kiddo exactly considered a "great time" but in her defense, she was the one that took the initiative and brought her book along to my place. Good thing too; she's failing Algebra, got grounded, and is now attending tutorials at her school twice a week. I'm normally a stickler for grades but with Algebra I have difficulty mustering up the proper lecturing mode since I feel for her and understand her sense of simultanous struggle/apathy. I graduated Summa Cum Laude and the only reason I didn't graduate Magna was because of my stupid Algebra courses. Grrrr. They were just so difficult to wrap my head around. It's simply Greek to me, and useless, painful, ridiculous, pointless Greek at that. My kiddo and I are much alike in that regard.

Kiddo and I took a drive on Saturday night in the wee hours of the morning. The time had "sprung forward" and neither of us could sleep. We spent a few hours with our windows rolled down, enjoying the sights and talking and singing to the radio and laughing. I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful, unique, funny person for a daughter. I truly enjoy discovering all the whys and wherefores of how she thinks. We stopped for a snack at a greasy spoon and she told me she loved eating in places like that because they felt lived-in, like real people cooked there and made real food instead of the cookie cutter feel of chains. I drank my decaf (well for the love of God, it WAS 3 am!) and listened to her talk.

I'm going to miss these days when they're gone. I'm trying to remain cognizant of them and relish them as they happen. Life is all about these little details.

I'm feeling all right these days. I get sad on occasion but for the most part I'm doing well. I have so much in my life to feel grateful for.

((Song: "Me And Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin. Lyrics here:
http://www.bluesforpeace.com/lyrics/bobby-mcgee.htm ))

Way Up Firm And High

I weighed myself on Friday and I weighed in at 135.5 lbs. I measured myself on Sunday night and I've lost 1 inch on my hips, waist and chest and a 1/2 inch on my thighs. I've gained a 1/2 inch around my biceps and calves.

Boo yah!

I'm a petite lady at 5' 0" but (other than in high school when I was thisbigaround) as I've matured I've developed into what I call barrel-shaped. Thank my German ancestors for that. Thicker middle, stick arms and stick legs. And yes, I'm also stacked. Thanks for nothing in that department, maternal German ancestry!

I've always wanted to reduce the "girls." I hate bras and it's the first thing I get rid of when I get home in the evening. I should have started wearing a bra in the sixth grade but it was the eighth before I finally started doing so. I just wore big jackets. I've wondered if I did some connective tissue damage since I was by no means small-busted. I say that because frankly, I look like a bushwoman when I don't wear a bra. Flat and to my navel. Bleh.

Anyway, I'd tried here and there over the years to look for something to give me a more rounded, perky look to no avail. I jiggle like a bowl of jello, I don't stay in the silly things when I lean over....you name it. No matter what I bought I'd constantly have to pull it down in the back because it rode up. To me, that translated into "it's not supportive enough to hold the weight" so I'd buy a bigger cup size to counter that problem. Nothing seemed to work, though, and finally I'd just given up and settled into wearing the matronly styles. Plus, I hated the idea of spending any more than $20 on a bra. Especially if they'd ride up and be a general pain in the ass. No way I was spending good money on that!

Over the past month my workout partner/co-worker BK kept telling me over and over that I wasn't wearing the right size bra. She told me that instead of the 36C/40D size range (depending on brand) that I'd been wearing for most of the last 20 years, I should be wearing a much smaller size, relatively speaking. She pegged me for a 32DDD. I admit I didn't buy it. I didn't buy it at all. ME? A 32? Come on! No way.

However, she did look great in her bras. So I turned myself over to her -- if for no other reason than to shut her up and prove her wrong -- and she and I spent this past weekend on a mission. We went to a big girl's store and the lady measured me. Now I've been measured before, and at Victoria's Secret no less! -- but not like this lady did. Talk about a thorough job. Anyway, she measured me at a......yes. A 32.

Um. Aw, bloody hell. BK's eyes were triumphant.

I hate being proved wrong.

So.......we went looking for a bra and exhausted all possibilities save for Dillard's since it was the only place that carried my size. As I was trying them on I heard BK in conversation with the salesladies saying that it was freakish, how such a small lady could be so severely stacked. She meant for me to hear it, evil woman. I chuckled wryly. Whatever. I told her she was just jealous.

So yeah, I bought one. $63! Holy crap, I haven't spent that much money on one article of clothing since 1998. Turns out I'm going to have to special order my size. Yeah, get ready for it. 32I. Not D or E or even G. An I. Sheeeeeeeesh.

But holy smokes, I look good in my shirts. I don't jiggle or bounce. I feel like I'm in a vise, so maybe that's why. Too many years of wearing bras that didn't fit have spoiled me. I'll get used to it, I'm sure. The thing doesn't ride up in the back, the straps don't move, the support is phenomenal. And I love the way I look in it both in AND out of shirts. Like I'm 20 again!

Who knew you could buy 20 years back for 60 bucks?


((Song: "Night Moves" by Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band. Lyrics here:
http://mysite.verizon.net/silverbulletfan/Nghtmvs-Nghtmvs.html ))

Update Before Sleep

New job is still going fine. I've become fast friends with the office manager. She and I are only a few months apart in age and we seem to think alike and find the same things amusing. She's taken to me as fast as I've taken to her. We work very well together and she's got the patience of Job, I'll tell you what!

She tells me that when and if she finds work elsewhere -- the reasons for which I won't go into here but that don't have anything to do with job satisfaction or quality -- she said to me that she would "take me along with her." It's strange but I feel she's being completely sincere. She likes the way I work and I think she believes that I have a lot of potential in this field. I am grateful for the regard she holds for my efforts and I'm happy she thinks my work is worthwhile.

I started out in this job thinking that there was some sort of karmic reason for going to the gym and finding this job through there. I am thinking now that my path was really intended to set me up to meet my office manager instead of the lawyer himself. Call me silly if you will, but it feels rather preordained.

I told kiddo this weekend that many things happen for reasons that you might be completely unaware of at the start. Even seemingly horrible things have hidden golden moments. I told her she should never forget to look for those hidden things in her life.

Speaking of life, I'm pretty content with it right now. I'm working 10-13 hr days and enjoying myself, something I never in the world thought I'd EVER say! I'm going to the gym and feeling good about working out, another thing I would have sworn was the next thing to Hell itself. But I thought this morning on my way to work that I feel happy more consistently now than I did those last years of my marriage. I may be working harder but my life is mine again; I control its path. Feeling in control is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me

The new job is going as well as can be expected. I've been thrown in the deep end and I'm handling cases and drafting documents. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends but I want to make sure that I don't look like an idiot. I've been telling myself today that I simply have to stop getting all stressed out. I woke up this morning with a bit of stuffiness and the realization that the stress of the last few days has apparently kicked my almost-in-remission sickness of a few weeks ago back out of remission. I'm feeling the urge to cough more and more. My throat is sore and my head is achy. I'm not "sick," per se, but I don't feel good either. Damn it all.

I'm going to bed now. At 8:30, sheesh. But I simply can't afford to let this catch back up with me again.

((Song: "Gloom, Despair, And Agony On Me," sung by the cast of Hee Haw. Lyrics here:
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/g/gloomdespairandagonyonme.shtml ))