Sunday, September 30, 2007

We Know You, They Know Me

Carl Jung identified something that he called the concept of synchronicity -- an acausal principle, whereas there are effects without causes. Things seemingly random and unique, independent of each other, but connected somehow. I think I've been experiencing just such a synchronicity lately in my friendships. Some of them seem to be changing or expanding or growing, all in different ways, but all in the space of just a few days. I cannot help but feel these events are connected although there is really no probable way that they are.

I spoke about a month ago about the burgeoning friendship between my stbx and myself. We spent most of the day together today sitting in front of my computer, drawing up the divorce petition and agreement. What a strange sense of comfortableness and camraderie there was between us as we talked through everything. Not one cross word or random negative feeling to pollute anything. Afterward we took the kiddo with us to visit my parents and sat there with them laughing and talking, just like we used to do. And as I drove home with stbx in the backseat and kiddo in the front I found myself thinking that it was really incredible that we had not lost the ability to feel like a family even though we may have redefined what that meant. Blessings counted.

I spoke a few days ago about Grey. I haven't spoken to him since in any depth -- we briefly touched base on Friday about spending some time together later next month -- but the awkwardness with which we both spoke during that call let me know that he would have rather been speaking to me alone. I wished he had been, for given some of the issues that he is currently dealing with he could use the listening ear. I do wish I could talk to him more often than I do.

Then there was the friend of mine that I learned something new about-- Irish. We were meant to speak together on Thursday afternoon but I have not heard from him since Wednesday afternoon. I grow increasingly concerned about him; it is unlike him to do something like this. I'm worried and I hope he's all right. I hope he'll be around in the morning and I can get some resolution here. It is a shame we weren't able to speak to each other.

And then, lastly, there is HD. After months of barely speaking due to circumstances beyond our control -- geographical ones mostly -- I quite randomly bumped into him this weekend. I'd meant to speak of him here soon and had been thinking of him for the last few days. So I have to think it was more than coincidental that I should run into him like that because it was almost as if I'd conjured him up!

But anyway we spoke, quickly falling back into our comfortable companionship, catching up on each other's lives, a smile on my face the whole time. HD has a natural charisma and his presence is palpable -- he embeds so much personality in everything he says even though it's only words on a screen. If I were to describe him, I'd have to say first that he is the most curious person I think I've ever met. Curious about everything in life, picking apart everything, rubbing the underbelly of all things. That's him. He isn't satisfied with the broad generalities and he doesn't concern himself with propriety when his curiosity is aroused and he knows the person he's speaking to won't be offended by his probes. He is nothing if not a social and psychological coroner, wanting to see, feel, taste and touch every sinew that ties someone together. He is sensuality personified and one of the sexiest men I've ever had the pleasure to meet. I can't wait to meet him face to face one day. I know it'll happen, it's inevitable.

Our friendship is in a state of flux right now. I welcome it. Change is good. He can teach me a lot and I'm ready to learn. I know I've taught him some things; he once told me that if he hadn't met me his life might be a lot different than it currently is. I think that's true and I hope I haven't led him astray.

And here I'd meant my entry to be about why love and sex were fundamentally opposed forces. I'll speak of that too, soon. But synchronicity spoke and I had to answer.

((Song: "Synchronicity I" by the Police. Lyrics here: http://www.scarlet.nl/~gugten/lyric05.htm ))

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I've Known You For A Long Time

Getting to know someone is an intimately fluid process. There is a dynamic that forms between two people as they begin to forge whatever sort of relationship they will eventually grow to have.

Some people start spilling their deepest darkest selves from the moment they meet someone they want to get to know, believing closeness and trust is only built by exposing themselves and being vulnerable. Others share in bursts and then withdraw into silence, frightened by their momentary spontaneity. Still others exercise caution, choosing instead to observe and listen. We each follow our own rhythm, designed in part by the hardwiring of our birth and finely tuned by our desires and experiences.

And so it happens that what takes some people three months, can take others three years. Or sometimes it's never. Fast or slow, it's a journey. Sometimes you meet someone that initially grates but somehow you manage to scratch beneath the surface and find that hidden gold. Sometimes what you thought was gold was only pyrite. And sometimes a relationship fits perfectly until, with the passing of time, it becomes tighter with age like a pair of jeans after one meal too many. It just doesn't feel right any longer and something's got to be taken out.

It's always interesting when you're in one of these relationships......life isn't really life without them. I don't just mean relationships of the romantic variety, though those are included of course. I mean relationships. Daughter. Mother. Friend. Enemy. Coworker. Acquaintance. Next-door neighbor. Anything that causes one life to interact with another life. You get into them, you get out of them, sometimes with grace and sometimes with callousness. The relationships we ignore, embrace, nuture, accept or choose give life drama and fullness of a sort that we human beings simply cannot live without. I often think that no matter what anyone says about wishing for a quiet life, the true fulfillment of that wish would come at a high price. You would be alone, in every sense of that word. Not for me. I want those that I have around me to give me the entirety of human experience. It's what I am here for.

I write this because a friend of mine, one I've known for years, suddenly became someone else behind all the other things that I am sure about him. I felt a sense of such smallness when I realized it had been something I could have simply asked about if I had not been so selfishly concerned with my own little world. He told me he'd made the conscious choice to remain silent until now and while a part of me was injured, more of me realized the wisdom that he exercised in his life....the mistakes he makes do teach him. I feel a new sense of discovery in my relationship with him and because of this, he and I have new paths to walk down together now. I can't wait!

((Song: "Propinquity(I've Just Begun To Care)" by Michael Nesmith. Lyrics here:
http://www.morethanweimagine.com/nevfighter/propinquity.html ))

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I Just Want To Say Hello Again

With the exception of BFF and Reb and two other girls (Queen and Cat) most of my friends are men. I had a group of friends that I got to know when they were 17-18 and I was 21. I'm 40 now and all of them are still my friends. I'll talk about all of these people in another entry.

Last night I got a call from an old friend -- one of those who is a longer-standing friend than the group I mentioned above. I met him when he was 11 and he's now in his late 30s. I'll call him Grey.

Grey and I have had a bumpy ride. We met as children and knew ~of~ each other for some years. After a time he moved away with his family and I went my own way as well. He moved back when he got out of high school and we were introduced again.

We've spent the intervening years from then to now in various stages of friendship. We were close when we all hung out together during our college years. I married, so did he, he moved off, and we began to drift apart in the way of people whose lives move onto different paths. We would talk and keep in touch, sure, but then go through dry spells. Eventually we grew closer again and then a few years later abruptly we just stopped being friends. It was painful at the time and we weren't friends for a while. Then he came back a few years ago and apologized, and I accepted. There was a few awkward years full of questions and explanations, and eggshell moments. And here we are now. I am glad to call him friend again. I sure had missed him.

So anyway, Grey and I had a long talk, well over an hour. It was a very nice one, filled with moments of heavy and moments of light. For the most part our conversation -- not the words themselves but the echoes behind them -- filled me with warmth. I marvelled that so much had passed between us and that its poison had lost its sting, leaving only its scar behind. And that the scar, now healed, has left us stronger. We've passed through that gauntlet, you see. We know we can survive.

That thought gives me so much hope.


((Song: "My Sacrifice" by Creed. Lyrics here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/creed/mysacrifice.html ))

Friday, September 14, 2007

And Isn't It Ironic...Dontcha Think?

I'm sure everyone has noticed my new sidebar by now -- "The Players In My Drama." I'd meant to do that for a long time and had never been able to remember it long enough to sit down and do it.

Anyway, I was proud of remembering and doing it so I mentioned it to V. I figured he'd appreciate it as he was mentioned in it, and he does love to be noticed! So I showed off all my l33t html skillz (hah!), he went to sit down, and I kept plunking away at my keyboard.

A few minutes later he called in from the living room. "Hey! What did you call BiB?"

I sat there for a moment, quite sure I had a holy shit look on my face. Finally I said, "Actually? I'd forgotten to include him at all."

I started laughing. This can only be an improvement, right?


((Song: "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette. Lyrics here: http://www.alanis-morissette.com/lyrics/jlp.html#Ironic ))

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

This Doesn't Have to Be Anything at All

Couldn't be bothered to blog for a bit, but I'm back. Isn't everyone thrilled?

I'm meeting kiddo after work today for coffee. I'm looking forward to the time I'll get to spend with even though it often seems like a superhuman effort to get her to open up and talk to me. We can talk easier over IMs (as I mentioned recently) but I also want to be able to talk face to face. I want to know what's going on in her life and the only way I'll be able to do that is to keep the lines of communication open. I know this seems like common sense -- and it is! -- but this is my daughter we're talking about here. She's the consummate closed door.

There's one other thing I'm a bit conflicted about, something that to be honest I didn't think I'd have to deal with quite yet. I've been been trying to sort out my feelings about it so that when it does eventually come to a point where I'll need to address it verbally, I'll be able to do so with confidence. So here's the thing: if you'll recall my stbx was seeing a woman that I spoke about briefly a week or so ago. I learned this past weekend that she is 22 years old and has a 3 yr old son! My stbx said that he had dialed their relationship back to that of friends but that she (I'll call her Yo from now on) had been spending some time with my kiddo, taking her to the mall on one occasion and taking her out to eat at an Italian place on another.

Now one might think that I would have issues with this because of some misplaced idea that a young girl is everything that I am not, that he's replacing me, etc. These things aren't what's bothering me. I'm well aware that the idea that such a young woman can find him attractive at his age is very intoxicating to him. I know he feels rejected and that this is a good pet to his self-esteem. I'm even pleased that he's getting those good feelings because he needs them to help him make moves forward in his life. I don't begrudge him his needs and wants and I don't feel he's disrespecting me in the least. And that's the honest truth.

However, there's a bigger part of me that feels very vindicated. Throughout the years he's looked down his nose at how people were so silly for getting themselves into obviously questionable situations and for being unable to use reason to determine what another's motives are. Yet here he is in one of these situations with a young girl who has a young child, who is sexually aggressive and probably more experienced than he is, and who almost certainly finds him attractive more for what he represents to her than for his own personality. So when push comes to shove he's not above stupidity and certainly not above all the rest of us plebes that succumb to impulse. I am strangely comforted by this. I hope it doesn't turn out badly for him -- not at all! -- but I do hope he learns the lesson of humility. That is one lesson he really does need to learn.

All that is amusing to me but I'm less concerned with his personal life (I hope he has a good one) than with how what he does -- and does so quickly -- might impact my child. In other words it might have been a good idea for him to remain alone for a longer amount of time instead of allowing someone to move into the family unit with such speed, even if it is under the guise of friends. My daughter isn't that stupid -- she sees. And Yo? Obviously Yo is smart. She's trying to get to know my kiddo and her efforts have paid off; he told me that her attempts have impressed him. He even called her "mature," the poor deluded man. Hah! Anyway, our kiddo is his vulnerable spot right now and she's not an idiot. She's exploiting it.

I could have said all the above to him but I chose not to though I know he saw some of my thoughts on my face. I did tell him he needed to be careful and pointed out that he might be acting in haste. He expressed some thoughts that were along those lines but at the same time he expressed others (like asking others he knew in May/December relationships how they managed the gap) that told me he was contemplating things with Yo a bit more deeply than he let on. So while he said he backed her off into the "friends" place and isn't introducing any more physical stuff, he's kidding himself. All that is simply a matter of time and probably a smaller amount of time than he thinks.

My major concern here, though, is my kiddo. I want to talk to her about her life but I won't sit there and milk her for information. I know that I should broach the subject at least so that she doesn't make her feel like she's got to constantly wonder what to hide from mom about dad and what to hide from dad about mom. I suppose I could ask her how she liked spending time with Yo, what they did at the mall and whatnot, but I'm unsure at this point about how to ask it so that it seems casual and comfortable and not a grilling session. I need to get a handle on what I feel about this before bringing it into a conversation with kiddo.

I didn't think I'd have to deal with this quite this fast so I hadn't factored this sort of situation into my thoughts about the divorce. I had assumed that stbx would either a) remain alone for a while to gain equilibrium or b) carry on something discreet without involving kiddo. I hadn't counted on this third option to be a reality for some time yet.

I'm feeling some jealousy about this -- "this" being Yo's buddy-buddy sort of attempt to get into my kid's good graces. It all stems from my own feelings of insecurity. I know that kiddo and I have a distant sort of relationship even if stbx says things like "she's got a relationship with you that I don't have" and "she depends on you even if she doesn't let you know" and "no other woman will ever be able to replace you." I know, rationally, that these things are all true. But how do you tell that to your heart when I remember when she was 10-12 yrs old and begging me to spend time with her and pay attention to her and instead I ignored her because I was ass-deep in a video game to escape my relationship troubles? And when finally, face blank and eyes empty, she stopped asking? Is it partly my fault that she is the way she is?

Maybe someday I'll escape the guilt of that, and that'll probably only be when she absolves me of it. Until then I'll have to carry it with me and try like hell to fight my own demons, the one on the right that wants to try to fix it and the one on the left that tells me its useless because she doesn't care enough to get it fixed at all.

Jealousy, yes indeed, because Yo doesn't have all this shit to surmount. She can be cool and fun and why not? There are only 8 years between them! But I can choose how to respond to this and for now I'm going to keep it in its proper perspective and just keep spending time with kiddo and keep being her mom. It's all I can do.


((Song: "Stop Dragging My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty. Lyrics here:
http://www.nicksfix.com/stopdrag.htm ))

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Ain't No Law Against It Yet

My kiddo and I were talking online last night. I love talking to her on instant messenger programs; she and I communicate so much better online than in person or on the phone. I suspect it's because she doesn't have to worry about meeting my eyes, monitoring her tone of voice, or risking an accidental eye roll that I may interpret as disrespectful or something. Whatever works, I say.

So last night I was telling her about my trip out of town this weekend and meeting a girl (well, young woman) who had two moms. Kiddo thought this was totally cool and expressed a wish that she had two moms or two dads. I laughed and told her that I was sorry I couldn't fulfill that particular wish because I simply liked boys too much. I told her more about my meeting with this young woman, whose moms had made a documentary called the "Dildo Diaries," which all interested parties can read about right here.

Extrapolated, the documentary concerns a absolutely archaic section of the Texas Penal Code (yeah, pun definitely not intended.) Section 43.23 is as follows: "A person commits an offense if he ... possesses with intent to wholesale promote any obscene material or obscene device. A person who possesses six or more obscene devices ... is presumed to possess them with intent to promote the same."

I was telling my kiddo about this and and at one point she made me spit out my tea with her witty comeback. Damn, but my kid is quick! I'm so proud!!!

Anyway, our conversation:

Me: Texas doesn't allow any more than 6 dildos or else you're a felon! That obviously targets women because hello, men wouldn't have them to actually use on a regular basis. And we can't have our women replacing men with batteries, now can we? No way, no sir! Not in Texas!

Kiddo: Yeah, mom. I can imagine it now. The dildo police at your door, guns drawn, yelling "Ma'am? Ma'am? PUT.....the dildo......ON THE FLOOR!"


And don't think I won't wax very poetic about this subject in the near future. All funnies aside, this ridiculous fucking law really chaps my ass.


((Song: "she Bop" by Cyndi Lauper. Lyrics here:
http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/cyndi_lauper/she_bop.html ))