Venting....

Sick again. Sore throat and the beginning of congestion. I've got no more sick time because of the pneumonia I had in January and precious little vacation time because of the trial. And here it is only June.

I'm stressed to the max. I'm imagining things I never used to consider at all -- health issues, general obsessiveness. I feel on edge all the time. My sleeping patterns are strange; anyone who knows me knows I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat and stay asleep all night, but recently I've started waking many times during the night and tossing and turning. I don't get restful sleep, which I know is incredibly important.

So far I can't seem to get rid of all my worries completely, but I've definitely noticed that I can "talk" myself down. That's a start. I've got thyroid issues and I hope once they're addressed it'll be one more help to getting myself back on track. And two more weeks of school. Two more! Yay!

It occurred to me the other night that unlike all the other times in my life, I have no one to fall back on. If I get sick and don't have vacation time, I lose wages. If I get really sick, there is no one there to help me. I took on more debt to get another job so now I have more bills than I ever used to when I was single way back when. I am solely and utterly responsible for myself.

While on one level this exhilarates me, on another level, I am terrified. My safety net is gone. I never realized how fucking easy my life had been married to Exh and how much I'd taken for granted until I started worrying that a few days off work meant my bills wouldn't get paid. I cried last night, feeling frightened and alone, wishing I'd stayed married so I wouldn't have to worry. Behind all this bravado I'm just another scared little girl.